Day 215: Myself As A Leader - Making Some Changes

On Day 213: Dark Side of Myself As A Leader, I took on some points that I've been facing about myself for sometime that I had finally had enough of.  This post is a continuation of that writing and self-forgiveness where I am now making some changes to how I have been seeing and doing things - not only as an external system leader but also internally personally.   Currently, I'm in a cool position of not having to be responsible for a lot of people - so, I can take a step back from it all, breath, and make a new plan for myself.   

I commit myself to stop attempting to possess other people and instead allow myself to let go.

I commit myself to stop repeating, "They are mine," to myself and within this, stop seeing others as mine and instead change my perspective back to myself and focus on becoming my own.

I commit myself to stop the desire to collect people by when and as this desire comes up, I remind myself to get myself collected - to bring the parts of myself that I've separated from myself back to myself. So, instead of going about the process of collecting the individual, I collect the point or part and bring it back here as me.

I commit myself to applying self-control - to take ownership of myself and be self-directive.  By doing this, I will support myself to stop attempting external control, ownership and having to be the only one to make all of the decisions.

I commit myself to stop attempting to separate others from each other and also stop making judgement calls about who can be trusted and who cannot.  I will stop placing myself as a guard and no longer accept and allow to see myself as a 'protector'.  So, when and as I see myself going into that physical urge of being the protector, I stop and breath.  I allow the fear to dissipate and I remind myself that there are no enemies - I have created enemies to feed my fear and utilized judgement to keep the whole thing going.  I'm done with that.  So instead of continuing to project all of this stuff onto others, I will focus on stopping the separation, focus on self-trust, and guarding myself from creating unnecessary consequence for others.

I commit myself to stop attempting to live out and within the alternate realities that I have created in my mind where everything is 'just so' and perfect.  I allow myself to let go of these things and become a collaborator - a Co-Lab-Operator - a Co-Lab-Orator. Co-testing, Co-speaking, co-creating and seeing how I can be a part of testing out others ideas and bringing them to reality.

I commit myself to stop going into panic and/or paranoia when I see a situation or a person as being unpredictable and/or somehow influencing an idea that I've managed to manifest.  I breath, let go, and see what unfolds.  I remind myself to allow myself to be curious again.

I commit myself to stop being territorial as at the moment, as outside of the survival system, I'm not seeing that it benefits anyone but myself. When and as I see that I am becoming physically uneasy or uncomfortable when and as I see someone that is 'too comfortable' or 'too friendly' in a space that I am in and see as mine, I stop, breath, and do not go into a reaction.  I relax and again, allow myself to let go so that I can be comfortable and friendly with myself.  Within this, I will stop my physical reaction of going into the 'bulldog' backchat/composure/stance/expression and see what comes up as an expression of me being here.

I commit myself to stop looking for and mapping out others weaknesses and instead focus on my own weaknesses that I can utilize to assist and support me in my process of oneness and becoming my potential by when and as I see myself looking for points in others that could potentially be seen as 'unlikable', 'weak' or less than perfect qualities, instead of marking others with those things, I flag-point them for myself as points for me to open up as myself and stop ignoring their existence within and as me.

I commit myself to remove the emotional and feeling energies that I have used to connect myself to others - and within this, I commit myself to stop myself from re-creating them. I commit myself to digging into understanding myself and why I have been continuing to not only maintain these connections but to also attempt to form new ones despite my awareness that it's a disservice to myself and others.

I commit myself to focus first on being a self-leader - and to assist and support myself with this process to let go of the fears, beliefs, judgments, thoughts, reactions, and physical programming that I have created within and as myself being an external system leader.  A cool goal I see for myself is to become a sort of life leader where the seeds are planted, the care is provided, and something grows ...

Day 111: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 9

By MFM Art

Day 110: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 8, Day 108: Journey To Life - Day 2 - Part 7,  Day 107: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 6,  Day 106: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 5, Day 105: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 4,  Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3, Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2.

Consequence Dimension:

I see, realize, and understand the consequences of me accepting and allowing myself to follow my mind curiosity where I give into my desire for knowledge and information which leads to myself placing myself in situations that it would be best to not compromise myself and/or others in - when and as I am in this energy possessed state, I do not consider how my actions and/or words will effect myself, my self-development and others outside of myself.  Within this, because my starting point is from desire, I often lead myself to that 'place of no return' where if I have a moment of clarity I will continue doing what I have decided to do because I have already set myself in-motion - here, I begin experiencing a great amount of regret which I try to cover-up by justifying my motivation as being 'what's best' when it's really not.  Instead of allowing myself to stand up and say, "No - I'm not going there," I continue to stay in my pattern of taking the bait, going on an energy high, compromising myself, reacting in fear, covering up the negativity of myself that emerges, telling myself that my actions have no consequence/effect on myself and others, and then continuing the cycle again.

And so, I see, realize, and understand the Consequences that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring into my world and to myself as a result of me giving into an energy high addiction and then try to hide my fear, guilt, and regret with my 'It's going to be fine' character personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself without consideration for myself and my relationship with others into a 'place of no return' where instead of taking this moment as an opportunity to change where I make a decision that considers the outcome for myself and my relationship with myself and others, I placed my desires/wants/needs as imagined positive energy experiences that I created in my mind before physical, practical reality.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop this behavior pattern when and as I first saw the consequences during the first time that I participated in my mind curiosity where I could have woken up immediately and realized what I am doing to myself, my own life, and my relationships with others and from here, immediately made the decision to no more accept and allow it but to stick to my self-commitment to change, establish self-trust, and be a person with integrity.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to change and instead manipulate myself with reactions of fear, regret, and guilt from where I create another character personality as the 'It's Going To Be Fine' and within this character personality blame others outside of myself in response to the voices in my head as, "Deal with it," without seeing, realizing, and understanding that I am in-fact angry and frustrated with myself for doing something that could compromise my integrity and my relationship with others because I did not stop, slow myself down, and consider all of the consequences of my desired actions before making a decision to follow-through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within and as my curiosity and continue to abdicate my responsibility and 'play naive/dumb' within this behavior when I know exactly what I am doing, accepting, and allowing - and further more how I go to the extent of blaming others 'for not allowing me to be free do what I want' and create additional characters of 'It's Going To Be Fine' and 'Deal With it' - rather than face the situation self-honestly and the consequences that I've manifested.  Instead of taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in, I hide within and as my mind.

Will continue.

Day 110: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 8

 

In this blog, I will be walking the Fear Dimension of my Curious Character.  For the other dimensions walked thus far, see: Day 108: Journey To Life - Day 2 - Part 7. And to see how I got to here, read  Day 107: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 6,  Day 106: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 5, Day 105: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 4,  Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3, Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be in an uncomfortable situation if I do not have the answers when and as a question is asked of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences and/or potential outcomes within which I will experience myself if I do not have the answers when I am asked a question.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not survive or that I will not make through to the next moment if I do not have the answers when I am asked a question.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go on a relentless search for knowledge and information within which I have directed from a point of fear rather than from a point of real curiosity to understand and explore myself and my world.

Also, as I have walked this point I see that many times my curiosity stemmed from my fear of death and the afterlife where I became completely obsessed with and  possessed by desire, want, and need to 'know' what to expect when I die or to try to find a way for myself to be taken care of in the after-life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct my curiosity toward myself in the future because I fear the unknown.  I have allowed myself to become possessed by this fear and within and as this, I do not see, realize, nor understand that this is my mind fearing what cannot be controlled as well as my mind keeping me in the future so that I do not realize myself here.

Next, I will walk the Consequence Dimension.

In this blog, I will be walking the dimensions of my Curious Character.  To see how I got to here, read  Day 107: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 6,  Day 106: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 5, Day 105: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 4,  Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3, Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/#sthash.quyBo3P4.dpuf

Day 106: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 5

Why do I always get myself in trouble??





Continuing here from Day 105: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 4,  Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3, Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2.




I had a moment where I was presented with a decision to do or to not to do something that I 'normally' would not do as a response to the multiple voices within me that say, "Not a good idea."  But I was curious and I wanted to see the outcome of doing something that I normally would not do.  So, like a 'bull in a china shop', I ignored my inner-dialogue and pushed a point because I desired to prove a specific outcome and wanted to see if it was true.

Understand that even though I was participating in a behavior that is something I would not 'normally' do, what was actually happening is that I was participating in a behavioral pattern that I have been repeating since I can remember which is:  I see an opportunity for knowledge and information that I have not experienced first-hand in my physical living, I become curious to see what will happen, I charge forward and do not allow myself to hear what's going on within my mind and within this I do not consider any consequences - nor do I see that 'I have to' because I tell myself that I am pushing forward to discover the truth or the outcome.  I am on a mission that does not consider others nor do I consider myself within and as where/who/what I have directed myself to be.  What I have not seen, time-and-time again is that this curiosity, pushing, and bullying through a point leads to trouble.

The only difference this time within this experience is that I made certain that I remained stable where I would not allow myself to get caught up in mind flooding with judgmental voices from the past and future.  Instead of allowing myself to have an 'oh crap ... what did I do?' moment that spirals out-of-control, I breathed, listened to myself, observed my physical reactions and had an 'ah-ha!' moment.

Within this 'ah-ha' moment, I saw where I told myself, 'That Was Bad' and from this starting point all of the voices of those that I have listened to within their judgments of others descended upon me - where I would tell myself as others personalities what their opinion was on 'what I did'.  It was fascinated to see the extent of the amount of others as pictures, expressions, voices, and personalities I had stored within me to tell me how 'bad/wrong' I am.  And with each personality that I brought forth, I would have a fear reaction to each as, "Oh no, this person is going to react to me and I am probably going to lose them for real this time."

I imagine that if I had not been stable and directed myself to stand within my decision at the time that I would have gone into a full-blown mind-possession where I would beat on myself with these voices, opinions, personalities, and reactions for days or weeks on end until I had a melt-down.

This has been going on within and as me for a very long time.  This whole thing - where my Curiosity from self-interested desires, wants, and needs baits me into a mind possession triggered by the Word, 'Bad'.

"You're bad."
"That's bad."
"I'm bad."

So, I see many problems here that are required for myself to write, self-forgive, and take responsibility for.

Problem: I Am Curious - this is how I live and express myself.  I have assigned a positive meaning to the Word Curious as being fun, cute, inquisitive and mischievous - like a kitty cat.  I have not seen that over-and-over again that my curiosity expression from my point of self-interest leads to an outcome that can in some way, shape, form or another be defined as Bad.  To the Word Bad, I have attached a Fear of Loss - fear of losing others and the relationships that I have defined myself by, within, and as others. 

I do not consider consequence within the decision making process of asking myself, "Am I placing others first and doing what is best for all?" or, "Am I placing myself first, acting on impulse, doing what interests me and/or what benefits me only?"

From my fear of loss of self and my fear of survival, I have internalized the personalities, opinions, and expressions of others so that I can react, in any given moment, as what another 'wants to hear or see' as both a self-defense mechanism and a system of control over what I see as 'Bad/Wrong' about me.

Solution: To focus in on and dissect each of these points with writing and self-forgiveness.  To self-correct and self-commit myself to no longer be influenced by what is 'Bad/Good/Right/Wrong' and my self-interests within my decision-making process and to instead make my decisions based on 'What Is Best For All' and placing myself second.

Reward: A clearer understanding of myself and my responsibility as a co-creator of our world as it currently exists.  Self-trust that I will make decisions based on how my decisions will effect others, my physical body, and my world via my living expression, my Words, and my vote.  Break myself out of a pattern that is counter-productive to my development of Self.

So, in the next blog I will be focusing on my 'I Am Curious' Ego/Personality/Character.