Day 107: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 6

 Why Am I So Curious?

In this blog, I will be walking myself as a Curious character.  To see how I got to here, read Day 106: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 5, Day 105: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 4,  Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3, Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2.

Ooo. What does this button do???

Problem: I Am Curious.  I have been living within and as an expression of Curiosity.  The problem isn't necessarily that I'm curious, the problem is that within myself being curious, I often cause a great deal of trouble within myself and outside of myself as a result of myself not seeing or intentionally ignoring the consequences and possible negative outcomes of my being curious.  When I become curious, I remove common sense and practicality from my processing and I will ignore all warnings and will only hear what I want to hear which is, "Go ahead! Do it.  What's the worst that could happen?"  I do not consider nor care about the effect my actions and decisions have upon others, my physical body, or my environment.  When I act within my curiosity, it is often counter-productive to my self-development.  I have assigned a positive definition to curiosity and it is generally accepted as 'okay' in the world so I have not been motivated to investigate myself within this character, remove my irresponsible expression of curiosity from my living nor suppress it.

Solution: To assist and support myself to not be controlled by my mind Curiosity by walking the dimensions of this Character/Personality with self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitments and thus making myself self-aware and stable within a responsible Physical living of the Word Curiosity.

Reward: Establish self-trust within myself that I will not act on impulse within and as my self-interests, wants and desires and that instead, I will direct myself to explore my physical world, myself, and the beings here with me from a point of responsibility.

Fear Dimension

When I was a child I was aware that what I accepted as information and knowledge became me and because I was not in agreement with others in my environment and did not trust them, I would not allow others, to the best of my ability and awareness, to influence or create who I Am -unless- they showed me via combined spoken words and actions that they cared for me and were looking out for what was best for me - these individuals were rare.  So, from a fear survival and fear of loss of self as I developed Who I Am during my childhood phase before I started Thinking, I interacted with and explored my world Physically as what I could prove to be true on my own was what I could trust.

Note:  I was not in agreement with others because their Words did not align with their living.  I could not make sense of this. And it's interesting to look at pictures from when I was a child at this time because the expression on my face was if I was saying, "This does not make sense."  As I got older, I assumed that it would all make sense when I 'grew up' but it never did. 

Anyway, the core-source-origin point of my Curiosity was fear of survival and loss of self and when I began Thinking, it became Mind Curiosity.

Thought Dimension

The Thought that activates my Curiosity is 'I don't know."  Where if 'I Don't Know" then I go into my Mind Curiosity which then I will test out in the Physical to find an answer as quickly as possible.

Imagination Dimension

When I am directing myself from my mind-curiosity, I imagine only good outcomes where I become a better, wiser, and more valuable person to others.  In my imagination, I am The Hero, The Comedian, The Brightly Shining Star, The Best, and The Most.  With my imagination, I suppress any fears because I Am Invincible!

Internal Conversations/Backchat/Voices in the Head

Recorded in private Backchat Diary.

Reaction Dimension

Negative: When I cannot connect to a specific experience with knowledge and information, I have a negative reaction of Anxiety because I fear being seen as dumb, stupid, naive, and lacking common sense and intelligence.

Positive: When I can connect a  specific experience with knowledge and information, I have a positive reaction of Excitement because I see myself as clever, knowledgeable, important, and bright.

Behavior Dimension

When my Curious Character activates, I lean forward and grasp my chin between my index finger and thumb of my left hand - I pull my arm and bent elbow tight into my body to lock my head in place. I may pull at my bottom lip as I'm thinking about how I'm going to 'pull something off' or a 'plan', my eyes are steady.  When I have decided on the quickest plan to find an answer or to satiate my curiosity/interest, I begin moving reeeeeeally fast from one task to another to accomplish my task as quickly as possible.  I am physically driven, steady, and robotic.

In my next entry, I will begin Self-Forgiveness starting with the Fear Dimension.

Day 106: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 5

Why do I always get myself in trouble??





Continuing here from Day 105: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 4,  Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3, Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2.




I had a moment where I was presented with a decision to do or to not to do something that I 'normally' would not do as a response to the multiple voices within me that say, "Not a good idea."  But I was curious and I wanted to see the outcome of doing something that I normally would not do.  So, like a 'bull in a china shop', I ignored my inner-dialogue and pushed a point because I desired to prove a specific outcome and wanted to see if it was true.

Understand that even though I was participating in a behavior that is something I would not 'normally' do, what was actually happening is that I was participating in a behavioral pattern that I have been repeating since I can remember which is:  I see an opportunity for knowledge and information that I have not experienced first-hand in my physical living, I become curious to see what will happen, I charge forward and do not allow myself to hear what's going on within my mind and within this I do not consider any consequences - nor do I see that 'I have to' because I tell myself that I am pushing forward to discover the truth or the outcome.  I am on a mission that does not consider others nor do I consider myself within and as where/who/what I have directed myself to be.  What I have not seen, time-and-time again is that this curiosity, pushing, and bullying through a point leads to trouble.

The only difference this time within this experience is that I made certain that I remained stable where I would not allow myself to get caught up in mind flooding with judgmental voices from the past and future.  Instead of allowing myself to have an 'oh crap ... what did I do?' moment that spirals out-of-control, I breathed, listened to myself, observed my physical reactions and had an 'ah-ha!' moment.

Within this 'ah-ha' moment, I saw where I told myself, 'That Was Bad' and from this starting point all of the voices of those that I have listened to within their judgments of others descended upon me - where I would tell myself as others personalities what their opinion was on 'what I did'.  It was fascinated to see the extent of the amount of others as pictures, expressions, voices, and personalities I had stored within me to tell me how 'bad/wrong' I am.  And with each personality that I brought forth, I would have a fear reaction to each as, "Oh no, this person is going to react to me and I am probably going to lose them for real this time."

I imagine that if I had not been stable and directed myself to stand within my decision at the time that I would have gone into a full-blown mind-possession where I would beat on myself with these voices, opinions, personalities, and reactions for days or weeks on end until I had a melt-down.

This has been going on within and as me for a very long time.  This whole thing - where my Curiosity from self-interested desires, wants, and needs baits me into a mind possession triggered by the Word, 'Bad'.

"You're bad."
"That's bad."
"I'm bad."

So, I see many problems here that are required for myself to write, self-forgive, and take responsibility for.

Problem: I Am Curious - this is how I live and express myself.  I have assigned a positive meaning to the Word Curious as being fun, cute, inquisitive and mischievous - like a kitty cat.  I have not seen that over-and-over again that my curiosity expression from my point of self-interest leads to an outcome that can in some way, shape, form or another be defined as Bad.  To the Word Bad, I have attached a Fear of Loss - fear of losing others and the relationships that I have defined myself by, within, and as others. 

I do not consider consequence within the decision making process of asking myself, "Am I placing others first and doing what is best for all?" or, "Am I placing myself first, acting on impulse, doing what interests me and/or what benefits me only?"

From my fear of loss of self and my fear of survival, I have internalized the personalities, opinions, and expressions of others so that I can react, in any given moment, as what another 'wants to hear or see' as both a self-defense mechanism and a system of control over what I see as 'Bad/Wrong' about me.

Solution: To focus in on and dissect each of these points with writing and self-forgiveness.  To self-correct and self-commit myself to no longer be influenced by what is 'Bad/Good/Right/Wrong' and my self-interests within my decision-making process and to instead make my decisions based on 'What Is Best For All' and placing myself second.

Reward: A clearer understanding of myself and my responsibility as a co-creator of our world as it currently exists.  Self-trust that I will make decisions based on how my decisions will effect others, my physical body, and my world via my living expression, my Words, and my vote.  Break myself out of a pattern that is counter-productive to my development of Self.

So, in the next blog I will be focusing on my 'I Am Curious' Ego/Personality/Character.