Day 114: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 14

Why would I write out a Pros & Cons list before making a decision?



Here I am writing Self-Commitment Statements from Self-Correction and realizations within my process of reviewing my Journey To Life - Day 2.


I commit myself to stopping ignoring, denying, rejecting and/or polarizing points that I see as BAD by embracing the BAD/negative/wrong that exists within and as me and within this facing, assist and support myself through the process of facing, becoming equal-to, and standing within these points with the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.


Within this, I commit myself to stop suppressing the physical pain/discomfort when and as recall memories/experiences by allowing myself to actually experience the pain/discomfort so that I communicate with my physical body about my reactions which will assist and support me within my investigation of myself.


I commit myself to stopping myself from retreating/escaping into my mind where I can go blank/fuzzy/numb by redirecting myself to here in my physical body in breath.

I commit myself to stop trying to find/prove the GOOD in me when I am faced with the BAD by simply stopping because I am aware of when I am doing this.


I commit myself to stopping myself from connecting my behaviors to the Word BAD.  Specifically, within this Journey To Life Review of Day 2: Self-Commitment To Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud, I commit myself to remove any more negative judgements that come up within and as this point and to stopping myself from re-connecting Not Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud to FAILURE and as something BAD by continuing to assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction when/as/if this point resurfaces.

I commit myself to stop telling myself, "I am FINE!" and/or "There is no reason for me to experience myself negatively." When I slow myself down and actually hear myself, I am aware that I am doing this - so, first, to live this commitment, I work on slowing myself with breathing, stopping this, "I Am Fine" and/or "There is no reason to experience myself negatively," and then going back to see/investigate the process that got me here.  When and as I find my core-source-origin point, I use the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction to release myself from having to tell myself 'I Am Fine'.


I commit myself to no longer allow myself to step into my mind character/personality of I Am Curious as I see, realize, and understand that this is irresponsible and the amount of stress that I put on my body is intense which is a consequence of myself being in-conflict with myself.  I will live this self-commitment by instead of allowing myself to react to something I don't know (or that I tell myself might be fun), I stop, and direct myself to sit and write out the PROS and CONS before I move within a decision.  As an additional level of support, I self-forgive any reactions that come up within my PROS and CONS list to make certain that I am clear before I move.


I commit myself to stop judging myself with the personalities of those that I have known - I see, realize, and understand that I have stored/learned/programmed myself with others personalities from a point of fear of not surviving, being bullied, not being liked, and not fitting in - which, the consequences of this is that I have taken away my freedom to explore myself and myself physically in my world within and as my own expression - instead of caving-in, placing myself in-conflict, wearing myself down, begging for forgiveness outside of myself, beating myself up, and allowing myself to fall - I STAND.  I face the personalities/characters that I have allowed to exist within and as me and I sort out WHO each personality is, WHY I use them against/for myself, HOW I am allowing these to influence me in my decision-making process, and WHY I fear losing these specific personalities - in this sorting out process, I will use the tools of writing and self-forgiveness and then self-correction and self-commitments where I see that I can change. 

Day 106: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 5

Why do I always get myself in trouble??





Continuing here from Day 105: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 4,  Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3, Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2.




I had a moment where I was presented with a decision to do or to not to do something that I 'normally' would not do as a response to the multiple voices within me that say, "Not a good idea."  But I was curious and I wanted to see the outcome of doing something that I normally would not do.  So, like a 'bull in a china shop', I ignored my inner-dialogue and pushed a point because I desired to prove a specific outcome and wanted to see if it was true.

Understand that even though I was participating in a behavior that is something I would not 'normally' do, what was actually happening is that I was participating in a behavioral pattern that I have been repeating since I can remember which is:  I see an opportunity for knowledge and information that I have not experienced first-hand in my physical living, I become curious to see what will happen, I charge forward and do not allow myself to hear what's going on within my mind and within this I do not consider any consequences - nor do I see that 'I have to' because I tell myself that I am pushing forward to discover the truth or the outcome.  I am on a mission that does not consider others nor do I consider myself within and as where/who/what I have directed myself to be.  What I have not seen, time-and-time again is that this curiosity, pushing, and bullying through a point leads to trouble.

The only difference this time within this experience is that I made certain that I remained stable where I would not allow myself to get caught up in mind flooding with judgmental voices from the past and future.  Instead of allowing myself to have an 'oh crap ... what did I do?' moment that spirals out-of-control, I breathed, listened to myself, observed my physical reactions and had an 'ah-ha!' moment.

Within this 'ah-ha' moment, I saw where I told myself, 'That Was Bad' and from this starting point all of the voices of those that I have listened to within their judgments of others descended upon me - where I would tell myself as others personalities what their opinion was on 'what I did'.  It was fascinated to see the extent of the amount of others as pictures, expressions, voices, and personalities I had stored within me to tell me how 'bad/wrong' I am.  And with each personality that I brought forth, I would have a fear reaction to each as, "Oh no, this person is going to react to me and I am probably going to lose them for real this time."

I imagine that if I had not been stable and directed myself to stand within my decision at the time that I would have gone into a full-blown mind-possession where I would beat on myself with these voices, opinions, personalities, and reactions for days or weeks on end until I had a melt-down.

This has been going on within and as me for a very long time.  This whole thing - where my Curiosity from self-interested desires, wants, and needs baits me into a mind possession triggered by the Word, 'Bad'.

"You're bad."
"That's bad."
"I'm bad."

So, I see many problems here that are required for myself to write, self-forgive, and take responsibility for.

Problem: I Am Curious - this is how I live and express myself.  I have assigned a positive meaning to the Word Curious as being fun, cute, inquisitive and mischievous - like a kitty cat.  I have not seen that over-and-over again that my curiosity expression from my point of self-interest leads to an outcome that can in some way, shape, form or another be defined as Bad.  To the Word Bad, I have attached a Fear of Loss - fear of losing others and the relationships that I have defined myself by, within, and as others. 

I do not consider consequence within the decision making process of asking myself, "Am I placing others first and doing what is best for all?" or, "Am I placing myself first, acting on impulse, doing what interests me and/or what benefits me only?"

From my fear of loss of self and my fear of survival, I have internalized the personalities, opinions, and expressions of others so that I can react, in any given moment, as what another 'wants to hear or see' as both a self-defense mechanism and a system of control over what I see as 'Bad/Wrong' about me.

Solution: To focus in on and dissect each of these points with writing and self-forgiveness.  To self-correct and self-commit myself to no longer be influenced by what is 'Bad/Good/Right/Wrong' and my self-interests within my decision-making process and to instead make my decisions based on 'What Is Best For All' and placing myself second.

Reward: A clearer understanding of myself and my responsibility as a co-creator of our world as it currently exists.  Self-trust that I will make decisions based on how my decisions will effect others, my physical body, and my world via my living expression, my Words, and my vote.  Break myself out of a pattern that is counter-productive to my development of Self.

So, in the next blog I will be focusing on my 'I Am Curious' Ego/Personality/Character.