On Day 213: Dark Side of Myself As A Leader, I took on some points that I've been facing about myself for sometime that I had finally had enough of. This post is a continuation of that writing and self-forgiveness where I am now making some changes to how I have been seeing and doing things - not only as an external system leader but also internally personally. Currently, I'm in a cool position of not having to be responsible for a lot of people - so, I can take a step back from it all, breath, and make a new plan for myself.
I commit myself to stop repeating, "They are mine," to myself and within this, stop seeing others as mine and instead change my perspective back to myself and focus on becoming my own.
I commit myself to stop the desire to collect people by when and as this desire comes up, I remind myself to get myself collected - to bring the parts of myself that I've separated from myself back to myself. So, instead of going about the process of collecting the individual, I collect the point or part and bring it back here as me.
I commit myself to applying self-control - to take ownership of myself and be self-directive. By doing this, I will support myself to stop attempting external control, ownership and having to be the only one to make all of the decisions.
I commit myself to stop attempting to separate others from each other and also stop making judgement calls about who can be trusted and who cannot. I will stop placing myself as a guard and no longer accept and allow to see myself as a 'protector'. So, when and as I see myself going into that physical urge of being the protector, I stop and breath. I allow the fear to dissipate and I remind myself that there are no enemies - I have created enemies to feed my fear and utilized judgement to keep the whole thing going. I'm done with that. So instead of continuing to project all of this stuff onto others, I will focus on stopping the separation, focus on self-trust, and guarding myself from creating unnecessary consequence for others.
I commit myself to stop attempting to live out and within the alternate realities that I have created in my mind where everything is 'just so' and perfect. I allow myself to let go of these things and become a collaborator - a Co-Lab-Operator - a Co-Lab-Orator. Co-testing, Co-speaking, co-creating and seeing how I can be a part of testing out others ideas and bringing them to reality.
I commit myself to stop going into panic and/or paranoia when I see a situation or a person as being unpredictable and/or somehow influencing an idea that I've managed to manifest. I breath, let go, and see what unfolds. I remind myself to allow myself to be curious again.
I commit myself to stop being territorial as at the moment, as outside of the survival system, I'm not seeing that it benefits anyone but myself. When and as I see that I am becoming physically uneasy or uncomfortable when and as I see someone that is 'too comfortable' or 'too friendly' in a space that I am in and see as mine, I stop, breath, and do not go into a reaction. I relax and again, allow myself to let go so that I can be comfortable and friendly with myself. Within this, I will stop my physical reaction of going into the 'bulldog' backchat/composure/stance/expression and see what comes up as an expression of me being here.
I commit myself to stop looking for and mapping out others weaknesses and instead focus on my own weaknesses that I can utilize to assist and support me in my process of oneness and becoming my potential by when and as I see myself looking for points in others that could potentially be seen as 'unlikable', 'weak' or less than perfect qualities, instead of marking others with those things, I flag-point them for myself as points for me to open up as myself and stop ignoring their existence within and as me.
I commit myself to remove the emotional and feeling energies that I have used to connect myself to others - and within this, I commit myself to stop myself from re-creating them. I commit myself to digging into understanding myself and why I have been continuing to not only maintain these connections but to also attempt to form new ones despite my awareness that it's a disservice to myself and others.
I commit myself to focus first on being a self-leader - and to assist and support myself with this process to let go of the fears, beliefs, judgments, thoughts, reactions, and physical programming that I have created within and as myself being an external system leader. A cool goal I see for myself is to become a sort of life leader where the seeds are planted, the care is provided, and something grows ...
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