Day 175: Is the Grass Greener?

It is fascinating to review my life thus far and see that I have always been jealous. Was I born this way? I mean, even as a baby I wanted what others had for myself because I saw that what others possessed had an effect on them - gave them an experience of themselves that I wanted for myself. What is interesting is that: when I would acquire what others possessed, I rarely experienced myself [with the possession] in the exact same way that I had perceived another as being [with the possession]. This is a pattern that I have repeated throughout my existence within objects, relationships, and my career - it has all been from seeing myself as not having, seeing others as having, desiring having what I see others having, getting what others have, and then not experiencing what I had expected with what I have acquired. As this wanting, needing, desiring, and jealous person, I am competitive - I allow no boundaries to stand in the way of me getting what I want - no person, no situation, no excuses. So, I have to ask myself: given that I have also identified a pattern of laziness and procrastination that exists within and as me, what is it about jealousy that drives me into the opposite polarity of self-will and self-determination? Why have I never harnessed these skills and applied them toward better supporting myself and others?

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always exist with/in/as jealousy. I never question why I always want what I do not have and why I want to get what others have that I do not have - in-fact, I never slow the process down enough to the point where I can look at it and see that it is a pattern that I constantly and continuously participate in. I simply accept that jealousy, that wanting, needing, and desiring what others have is who I am - something negative about myself that I cannot change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want what others possess when and as they look to be having a better/superior experience as a result of that possession. I see what I possess as inferior and as being less-than and/or not as good as what others have for themselves. I exist in this constant and continuous state of: The Grass Is Greener On The Other Side, where when I get to where the grass is apparently 'Greener', I see that what I possessed before and how I experienced myself at that time was Better/Inferior. So, no matter which side I am on, I am never satisfied - I move back-and-forth-and-back-and-forth, trapped in this Superiority/Inferiority - Better/Worse Polarity - never making a decision nor moving in regards to what is actually supportive for myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, think, and imagine that: if someone is happy, content, and/or satisfied with something about themselves, their lives, or something they own, that I will be happy, content, and/or satisfied too with that same exact something as myself and/or something separate and outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be competitive in response to my jealousy. When I compete from a starting point of jealousy, I often compromise myself - I judge, I gossip, I think and speak nasty things, I am spiteful, I am arrogant, I am manipulative and I push my physical body - all to show I am the better person, the better choice, better able, and that I am superior. So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed judgment, gossip, nasty thoughts and spoken word, spite, arrogance, manipulation, disregard for my physical body to exist within and as me - as competition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe (and act as if) I am lazy and a procrastinator when it is quite clear that I will move and physically push myself in response to my mind desires and self-interests. I do not allow myself to see my actual physical drive-ability, embrace myself as that ability, and develop myself to my full potential - no, I being a mind and a mind only apply myself only on those things that separate myself from myself, where I am not taking responsibility, and I'm not standing - most anything that is not actually supportive for me, others, and my external world.

Day 162: Allowing Myself To Get To Know 'New People'

Part Two of self-correction and self-commitment for Day 157: The Rock Star.
Part One is here.

When and as I see that I am attaching myself to and/or making/seeking/maintaining relationships with those that align to my mind's interpretation/definition of Rock Stars, Perfect, and/or The Best as indicated by me ignoring, devaluing, deliberately disassociating myself from, and separating myself from others who do not align with these personality definitions that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as me, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that these personalities are what I have told myself that I must become, be associated with, or related with in order to gain acceptance from my external world and that by giving into my fear of loss of acceptance and acting on it, I am limiting myself from realizing myself, expressing myself as myself, developing my potential, and getting to know parts of myself as I get to know others.

I commit myself to stop separating myself from others by: when and as I see/hear myself communicating to myself that others are 'not like me', that they have nothing in common with me, or I am seeing traits that I have defined as undesirable that I do not want to be associated with, I stop, I breath, I get myself out of my mind and allow myself to explore and learn about others as it is here that I will learn more about myself or parts of myself that I have been suppressing, ignoring, and/or deliberately separating myself from.  Within this, I commit myself to self-forgive, self-correct, and self-commit for any energetic reactions that come up when I am getting to know anyone 'new'.

When and as I see that I am 'looking up to', worshiping, or placing someone on a pedestal that I would like to be and/or be by association, I stop.  I breath and I bring myself back to myself.  I see that this is a pattern that I have been participating in since I was a child and again, it goes back to a time where I believed that it was most important to be accepted by one's external environment and that I am inferior and must trust those that I see as superior.  I remind myself that this bouncing from one-person-to-another over-over-over-again to 'show me the way' has assisted me very little and leads to consequences that are the product of me not developing a relationship of acceptance, trust, respect, and integrity with myself.

I commit myself to STOP looking up to, worshiping, and/or placing others on a pedestal.  In addition to this, I commit myself to stop myself from acting on an attraction to what I am seeing in others as desirable traits that will 'get me somewhere' where I will want to spend as much time with them as possible in order to become them, integrate their personality into/as myself, and/or be associated with them.  Within this, I commit myself to stopping using others for my individual self-interests.  To actually live this commitment in a practical way, I will direct myself to 'not go there' when and as I experience positive energetic reactions of attraction and/or admiration in relation to another, breath, and remove myself, if required.  I write, I self-forgive, I self-correct, and I self-commit until I am done with this looking outside of myself and making relationships based-on what I can get out of it.  Instead of aligning myself to others for what they are so that I don't have to, I develop my own potential within the principle of what is Best For All.

Within this, I commit myself to, as a parent, to stop encouraging my children to look-up-to, worship and create a relationship with Rock Stars, Celebrities, Super Heroes, and other beings by reminding myself that my starting point is my desire for acceptance, my desire for a savior, my not wanting to take responsibility, and me not putting in the physical time and effort required to develop my own self and my own potential as a real human being - in other words, I commit myself to stop attempting to live out my self-interested desires and fears via my children.

I commit myself to show that the world is structured as it is because of the way that we accept and allow ourselves to exist.  Whether we're looking at Politics, Education, Religion, Corporations, or Government, it is all the same where we allow another to be an authority of us, make decisions for us, and direct us based on the belief that that one person has more value than ourselves - more money, more power, more education, more influence, more social status, more physical attractiveness - rather than actual physical proof of their ability to make decisions that are best for all and to actually follow-through with those decisions. 

Day 157: The Rock Star!

 

"Here is where I began to see why I ignored my physical signs because I was caught up in this idea of myself as having to preserve my individuality as a Rock Star.  Where, in my professional world, this label was given to me, I liked it, and I desired to preserve this because of the doors it opened for me and within this the experience of accomplishment and confirmation of my ability." - Care's Journey To Life, Day 156: Unwinding


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to align myself with the Words Rock Star and the positive meaning that have attached to these words.  In my mind, a Rock Star pushes their physical limits effortlessly, is the best at what they do, stands as a shining beacon, and has a bunch of 'fans' that constantly and continuously give them positive feedback about their performance.  So seeing a Rock Star in a positive light and wanting to be associated to this image so that I could experience myself in this positive way with all the perks that come with it, I pushed myself and forced myself to always be better than the day before.  I see that it's cool to realize my potential for myself however, my starting point was my desire for acceptance, positive feedback from my external world, to make a name for myself, and to insure that I do not miss out any opportunity that would benefit me as an individual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive myself from a point of fearing failure instead of from a point of self-curiosity and self-discovery where I test to see what I can do and how I can better improve myself - for my own self and not for any external reasons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself and/or place myself in a relationship with things and people that I see as Rock Stars, The Best, or Perfected as per my mind's idea or these archetypes.  I worship, admire, look-up-to, follow the lead of, and place myself in loyal relationships with those that fit into my idea and/or imagination of Rock Stars, The Best, and/or Perfected because I tell myself that if I am associated to/with these individuals, that this sends a message to all that this is Who I Am as well which gives me instant access to the positive feeling charge of Acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to integrate this attraction to others whom I Want To Be into and as me to such an extent that it is now an automated behavior.  I have been on autopilot and have not questioned it.  Why would I?  This automation has benefited me time-and-time again - with as little as effort as possible and minimal risk.  So, while I am busy squeezing myself into anothers image and likeness so that I can hide from putting in the effort required to establish self-acceptance, nothing changes.  I ignore anything and anyone outside of my immediate self-interested drive - including my self-communication, others that I do not want to be identified with because they are a mirror of my self-judgment, and the world that I am trying to control by refusing to face it.

From a parental perspective, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show children to do the same as myself.  I encourage children to attach themselves to Super Heroes, Rock Stars and those that look Perfected and like they are The Best in hopes that they will become or be like that imaginary person so that I can say, "I created this person and this person is me." So, as an additional insurance of my acceptance from my external world, I encourage the child to be what I want to be so that I can continue living in the image and likeness of others because it's easy, there is little-to-no risk, and requires much less effort than actually developing myself or showing a child how to develop themselves.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this Hero Worship that we accept and allow ourselves to imprint upon ourselves is the reason why our world is structured the way it is with many on the bottom and one at the top. Where: the one at the top - The Hero, The Rock Star, The Best of the Best, The Perfected Human Being has the money,the resources, the education, and the career. And instead of doing what is required to make sure that all realize their potential, including ourselves, we worship them, we work for them, we accept ourselves as less-than them, we drive ourselves to be like them/be associated with them, allow ourselves to be influenced by them, and enter into a Master-Slave agreement to survive. All because we never once questioned why the world is structured like a pyramid and have not looked at the consequences of our fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of not being accepted, fear of change, and fear of risking anything.

Day 132: The Helpless Victim - Thought Dimension, Part 2

In this blog I am writing Self-Commitment statements for Self-Forgiveness on Day 131 of the Thought Dimension of The Helpless Victim Character that emerged from realizations while walking a traumatic event.  The initial writing out of the dimensions of this character can be read here: Day 129: The Helpless Victim.

The process from which The Helpless Victim Character emerged can be referenced within these posts:

Day 124: The Day I Fell
Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self-Forgiveness
Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations
Day 127: The Day I Fell - Self-Correction
Day 128: The Day I Fell - Self-Commitment





I commit myself to no longer allow my fear of the thought of losing everyone/everything that I care about to direct me within and as my living - when and as I see that I am reacting to a thought of loss with fear, I stop.   I see, realize, and understand that my thought and my fear are not in my physical reality - these exist in my mind only.  I remind myself that my thought and my fear is not real and commit myself to no longer allowing my thoughts of loss and my fear in reaction to these thoughts to direct me.  Instead, I become the directive principle in my living and move myself based on what is best.

I commit myself to stop allowing a THOUGHT to scare me from changing, doing what is best, working on ways of improving my situation, and stepping outside of my comfort zone.

I commit myself to stop fearing myself by assisting and supporting myself with self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitment which I then live because when I do this, I see that there is no reason to fear myself because as I use these tools and apply them, I become self-honest and aligned to who I want to be.

I commit myself to no longer allow my imagined faces of others as my Diss-Order of Multiple Personalities to keep me from moving in a direction that I have decided is best.  When and as I see these dissing faces in my imagination and consider participating in a scenario/play-out with them, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that this is one of the ways that I have kept myself stuck in to the Helpless Victim Character and at the mercy of my mind.  Also, I see that I no longer need my internal Diss-Order of Multiple Personalities to 'help' me because I have real, actual support and assistance in my physical world.  I am not alone.

I commit myself to becoming the directive principle in my living by reminding myself that when a thought comes up I decide whether or not I will participate with the thought and that it is here that I decide whether or whether or not I will participate in my fear - and so here, I direct myself to release myself from the fear with self-forgiveness and then stand as my decision to stand for/by/as my decision to change, to do what is best, to work on implementing solutions that improve my situation, and to push myself to stop out of my comfort zone.

I commit myself no longer accept and allow myself to participate in and follow the Thoughts that allow me to become The Helpless Victim - I remind myself that the Thoughts present and opportunity for me as an opposite of myself/who I have decided to be and my responsibility to myself and others/my world to stand as an example of as what it means to do what is best, to improve the situation, and to push oneself to step outside of one's comfort zone.

I commit myself to live in awareness and direct myself within and as what is best.

I commit myself to stopping accepting and allowing my Thoughts to take me into my mind and place me in direct conflict with myself - I remind myself that this gets me caught up in my Mind where I completely compromise myself and instead of allowing myself to go into conflict with myself and get caught up in my mind, I instead allow myself to practically walk myself through the process of making a decision that is best and living it.  I commit myself to accept and allow myself to improve my relationship with myself and take the opportunity to contribute as an example of how one can live with and as the point of not accepting and allowing The Helpless Victim Character.

I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing the Thoughts of the Helpless Victim Character to become more urgent/important and/or of greater value than myself stopping, breathing, being here, and directing myself to make a decision that is best and live it.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow ONE Thought/Picture/Image to control/determine the entirety of who I am in any given moment - within this, I commit myself to see the extent of which I have become influenced by the pictures and images within and as my mind and to release myself from this influence with self-forgiveness and then stand as my decision to live who I am here as the directive.

Day 111: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 9

By MFM Art

Day 110: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 8, Day 108: Journey To Life - Day 2 - Part 7,  Day 107: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 6,  Day 106: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 5, Day 105: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 4,  Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3, Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2.

Consequence Dimension:

I see, realize, and understand the consequences of me accepting and allowing myself to follow my mind curiosity where I give into my desire for knowledge and information which leads to myself placing myself in situations that it would be best to not compromise myself and/or others in - when and as I am in this energy possessed state, I do not consider how my actions and/or words will effect myself, my self-development and others outside of myself.  Within this, because my starting point is from desire, I often lead myself to that 'place of no return' where if I have a moment of clarity I will continue doing what I have decided to do because I have already set myself in-motion - here, I begin experiencing a great amount of regret which I try to cover-up by justifying my motivation as being 'what's best' when it's really not.  Instead of allowing myself to stand up and say, "No - I'm not going there," I continue to stay in my pattern of taking the bait, going on an energy high, compromising myself, reacting in fear, covering up the negativity of myself that emerges, telling myself that my actions have no consequence/effect on myself and others, and then continuing the cycle again.

And so, I see, realize, and understand the Consequences that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring into my world and to myself as a result of me giving into an energy high addiction and then try to hide my fear, guilt, and regret with my 'It's going to be fine' character personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself without consideration for myself and my relationship with others into a 'place of no return' where instead of taking this moment as an opportunity to change where I make a decision that considers the outcome for myself and my relationship with myself and others, I placed my desires/wants/needs as imagined positive energy experiences that I created in my mind before physical, practical reality.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop this behavior pattern when and as I first saw the consequences during the first time that I participated in my mind curiosity where I could have woken up immediately and realized what I am doing to myself, my own life, and my relationships with others and from here, immediately made the decision to no more accept and allow it but to stick to my self-commitment to change, establish self-trust, and be a person with integrity.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to change and instead manipulate myself with reactions of fear, regret, and guilt from where I create another character personality as the 'It's Going To Be Fine' and within this character personality blame others outside of myself in response to the voices in my head as, "Deal with it," without seeing, realizing, and understanding that I am in-fact angry and frustrated with myself for doing something that could compromise my integrity and my relationship with others because I did not stop, slow myself down, and consider all of the consequences of my desired actions before making a decision to follow-through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within and as my curiosity and continue to abdicate my responsibility and 'play naive/dumb' within this behavior when I know exactly what I am doing, accepting, and allowing - and further more how I go to the extent of blaming others 'for not allowing me to be free do what I want' and create additional characters of 'It's Going To Be Fine' and 'Deal With it' - rather than face the situation self-honestly and the consequences that I've manifested.  Instead of taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in, I hide within and as my mind.

Will continue.

Day 99: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 12

Continuing here with Self-Commitments.
For other posts within my Journey To Life Review - Day 1, see:

Day 98: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 11

Day 97: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 10 

Day 96: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 9
Day 95: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 8
Day 94: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 7
Day 93: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 6
Day 92: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 5

Day 91: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 4

Day 90: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 3

Day 89: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 2

Day 88: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 1

I commit myself to stopping myself from placing unreal expectations on others within the realization that the consequence of myself projecting my ideal relationship on to another is myself experiencing emotional reactions such as disappointment, grief, frustration, and doubt.  Additionally within my process I have come to understand that within this projecting my desires onto others that I am timelooping as I have been doing this for most of my existence and nothing has improved or matched my imagination.  Within this, I commit myself to (for)giving myself what it is that I am looking to separate from myself and project on to others.  I bring it back to myself.

I commit myself to stop attempting to walk others processes for them by bringing the points back to myself, working with what I am given, and not taking what I experience with others as personal. When points emerge that I have walked and am clear within,  I will assist and support others with these points - as I have been assisted and supported.  And I will remind myself the only person one can change is oneself.

I commit myself to stopping myself from believing the thought, "This is impossible.  Nothing is going to change," by not allowing myself to follow the thought nor give the thought any validity with 'proof', 'reasons', and/or 'assumptions' that make it true/real for myself.  Instead, I assist and support myself with writing and self-forgiveness to understand what is behind the excuses like, 'This is impossible," and within this commit myself to shutting those back-doors out.

I commit myself to stopping myself from fighting for my 'individuality' by assisting and supporting myself with writing, self-forgiving, and self-correcting my 'I Am' thoughts and internal statements.

I commit myself no longer allow myself to fear 'being committed' to a mental institution as I have come to understand that those that are committed to mental institutions are a threat to life and as long I continue to walk my process, follow through on my self-commitments, and stand up when faced with consequence of what I have accepted and allowed as a responsible, dedicated human being with integrity than this fear cannot be a reality for me.

Additionally, I commit myself to releasing myself from such fears as 'being committed' as I see, realize, and understand that it is my acceptance and allowance of these fears is how I make it possible for myself to become 'crazy', 'out-of-control', unstable, and possessed - within this commitment, I will use the tools of writing and self-forgiveness to assist and support myself to release these fears.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to use my fears as an excuse to not stand up, change, and take responsibility for myself and my world.  When and as I am faced with my fears, I breath through my fears, I stand up, and do what must be done.

I commit myself to stopping myself from accepting and allowing myself to move myself into the past and future with and as my fears as I see, realize, and understand that this is myself as my mind directing me from here and breathing.  When and as I see myself moving forward and backward in Time to flee from an experience of myself, I stop, I breath and I bring myself back to here and investigate the negative experience of myself within my memories that I'm running from and/or suppressing and I apply self-forgiveness as this will assist and support me to actually change.

I commit myself to stop 'humoring myself' as a reaction to my fears where I will tell myself that I am 'funny' or 'quirky' to 'save face' for myself instead of standing up and facing my fears.

Many more self-commitments to follow.