Day 204: How I Become Hard and Uncaring

This past week, I had the opportunity to communicate with someone that works in the entertainment industry and is very famous.  The purpose of this discussion was to expose the dark side of this world and to show how celebrities are used, manipulated, abused and expected to participate in specific actions to ensure their success, their personal wealth, and for some, their survival and the survival of the people that they care about.  For themselves, they said this was a healing process - that they were breaking the rules - though, for them it was worth it to communicate with the people outside of the world that they exist in as it reminded them of a time when they were normal and the process assisted them to re-align themselves with their humanity.  They said that they were in a unique position of having a group of others around that protected them in a way.

For me, the things that I heard and was shown seem massive.  Like, there are an innumerable amount of points to be sorted out and directed. However, I see how I drive myself when researching new connections and within this, how I do not slow down and support myself with my process through writing - so obviously, I am processing most of this information in my mind which is going to make it seem too big and time consuming to sort through.

More importantly though, I must be self-honest and share that I went into this with some judgments and insecurities.  See, even though I was participating and reminding myself to be open to what was being said and to not make it personal, I saw all of these thoughts about myself running in the background - most (if not all) of which, I attempted to suppress with comforting words like, "This is not me coming through," or, "I am this way, not that that way," or "I am beyond seeing and experiencing myself like this ..."  

I was lost in denial.  So much in-fact that I was determined to show how the personal points that were coming up for me were not actually about me but about something else or something that someone was doing - who they are, how they got to who, what, and where they are, and how the system works.  

I eventually had become angry from all of this and found that I was wanting for this famous individual to take responsibility for what they had done, participated in, and perpetuated.  The consequence of my reactions, suppression, and projections is that my ability to hear and make a connection had been compromised.  I stopped communicating fluidly, I physically felt hardened, and my words became short and sharp.

My head started to hurt which is a flag-point that I use to show myself that I am too much in my thoughts and that I am not getting anywhere by trying to process or sort through what's going on.  For me, it's a reminder to stop participating with the thoughts until I am able to write.  So, the thoughts would come up and I would say, "No.  This is not getting me anywhere," and I then went about arranging myself some space and time to write in my personal journal as these were the points that kept coming up again and again and again - how I was taking this whole thing personal and attempting to pin it on someone or something else and trying to come up with words, phrases, quotes, beliefs, or self-definitions that would make it NOT about me.

I sat down with my journal and I wrote out every thought that was running rampant in mind.  These are some things that I have not wanted to face - childhood experiences, my real beliefs about myself, and how I have always allowed these experiences and beliefs to place me in conflict with myself, confuse, influence, and change who/what I am in any given moment.

Later, when I returned to the discussion and reviewed what had been shared, I saw so many points that I had missed as I was in my thoughts and then reacting. I see that I was fortunate that the entire discussion has been documented on a public platform on the internet - if it had not been, and I had been face-to-face, I would have missed an opportunity to fully understand the presenter and what was being presented.

I also found that when I was no longer in my thoughts nor on the defense in my Ego, that I was able to be more gentle, genuine, and caring.  So, points that I saw were important for me to make were well-received. From this,  I see that I also must stop giving in to this idea that I have to get into places and shake people up which is something that I have been doing for a long time with the belief that it works when in reality it does not.

Day 132: The Helpless Victim - Thought Dimension, Part 2

In this blog I am writing Self-Commitment statements for Self-Forgiveness on Day 131 of the Thought Dimension of The Helpless Victim Character that emerged from realizations while walking a traumatic event.  The initial writing out of the dimensions of this character can be read here: Day 129: The Helpless Victim.

The process from which The Helpless Victim Character emerged can be referenced within these posts:

Day 124: The Day I Fell
Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self-Forgiveness
Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations
Day 127: The Day I Fell - Self-Correction
Day 128: The Day I Fell - Self-Commitment





I commit myself to no longer allow my fear of the thought of losing everyone/everything that I care about to direct me within and as my living - when and as I see that I am reacting to a thought of loss with fear, I stop.   I see, realize, and understand that my thought and my fear are not in my physical reality - these exist in my mind only.  I remind myself that my thought and my fear is not real and commit myself to no longer allowing my thoughts of loss and my fear in reaction to these thoughts to direct me.  Instead, I become the directive principle in my living and move myself based on what is best.

I commit myself to stop allowing a THOUGHT to scare me from changing, doing what is best, working on ways of improving my situation, and stepping outside of my comfort zone.

I commit myself to stop fearing myself by assisting and supporting myself with self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitment which I then live because when I do this, I see that there is no reason to fear myself because as I use these tools and apply them, I become self-honest and aligned to who I want to be.

I commit myself to no longer allow my imagined faces of others as my Diss-Order of Multiple Personalities to keep me from moving in a direction that I have decided is best.  When and as I see these dissing faces in my imagination and consider participating in a scenario/play-out with them, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that this is one of the ways that I have kept myself stuck in to the Helpless Victim Character and at the mercy of my mind.  Also, I see that I no longer need my internal Diss-Order of Multiple Personalities to 'help' me because I have real, actual support and assistance in my physical world.  I am not alone.

I commit myself to becoming the directive principle in my living by reminding myself that when a thought comes up I decide whether or not I will participate with the thought and that it is here that I decide whether or whether or not I will participate in my fear - and so here, I direct myself to release myself from the fear with self-forgiveness and then stand as my decision to stand for/by/as my decision to change, to do what is best, to work on implementing solutions that improve my situation, and to push myself to stop out of my comfort zone.

I commit myself no longer accept and allow myself to participate in and follow the Thoughts that allow me to become The Helpless Victim - I remind myself that the Thoughts present and opportunity for me as an opposite of myself/who I have decided to be and my responsibility to myself and others/my world to stand as an example of as what it means to do what is best, to improve the situation, and to push oneself to step outside of one's comfort zone.

I commit myself to live in awareness and direct myself within and as what is best.

I commit myself to stopping accepting and allowing my Thoughts to take me into my mind and place me in direct conflict with myself - I remind myself that this gets me caught up in my Mind where I completely compromise myself and instead of allowing myself to go into conflict with myself and get caught up in my mind, I instead allow myself to practically walk myself through the process of making a decision that is best and living it.  I commit myself to accept and allow myself to improve my relationship with myself and take the opportunity to contribute as an example of how one can live with and as the point of not accepting and allowing The Helpless Victim Character.

I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing the Thoughts of the Helpless Victim Character to become more urgent/important and/or of greater value than myself stopping, breathing, being here, and directing myself to make a decision that is best and live it.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow ONE Thought/Picture/Image to control/determine the entirety of who I am in any given moment - within this, I commit myself to see the extent of which I have become influenced by the pictures and images within and as my mind and to release myself from this influence with self-forgiveness and then stand as my decision to live who I am here as the directive.