Day 211: Pot & Kettle

I've been working with a point for a few months now where I require someone else to assist me with something because I have not seen how I can do it for myself.  I have asked, I have pushed, I have yelled, I have pleaded, I have cried, I have been changing my perspective, changed the way I do things, and I have presented alternative solutions.  There have been times when I just want to throw my arms up in the air and say, 'Fuck it! I give up!' - and I really do wish this was possible - that I could just say, 'I'm done with this', and be done with it.  But it's not happening.

I have noticed that every time I approach this problem and do not come up with a workable solution, that I say to myself, "Well, I'm just going to have to do this on my own ..." And then, I say to myself, "But I don't want to have to do this on my own.  Why do I have to do this on my own?  Everyone else in this similar situation does not have to do this on their own!" I have then started crying and being miserable.  This pattern has been repeating over and over and over again.

I ask myself, "Why am I so emotional about this? Why can I not accept that I am going to have to either give this point up or take care of it on my own?"  And my answer is the same: Because I don't want to.

Tonight my son Hunter was asking me to get him a snack.  Not only was he able to get himself a snack but I was also working so I said, "No. You get it."  The thing is, I will usually just go and get him whatever he wants when he asks, though this time, I didn't see why he couldn't do it himself.  He started to whine, "Noooooooooo. I don't want to do it myself ... you have to do it for me ..." And then started whimpering and carrying on for the next half-hour until he fell asleep.

Well, oh my god.  Talk about the pot showing the kettle how black it is.  He was doing the exact same thing that I had been doing shortly before ... having a temper tantrum.

When I look at what he's experiencing, I see that he's accustomed to me getting him a snack when he wants one and he's satisfied with that. So when the situation changes and he's placed in a position of having to change what he's doing, it's not an easy thing.  I see in him how I have gotten into these habits and ways of doing things based on how they have played out in the past - and I'm so accustomed to things going that one and only way that I do not consider that there may be another way to do things.  In fact, I don't even want to consider it.  My mind does not see the point of it when things work just fine doing the 'old way', the way that I know, and the way that I see everyone else is doing it.

So, the reality is that if this point is important enough for me to have for myself, I will have to do it for myself. And within this, give up all of my ideas, beliefs, memories, past experiences, expectations, and future projections of how it should be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to do certain things on my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to change how I am doing things - even when the situation changes and there are no other practical alternatives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional when things change and as a result of this change, I have to change.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience sadness and pity for myself because things didn't go as planned, as I had hoped, or how others are going about doing similar things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have temper tantrums where I attempt to manipulate the sitatuation - and myself and others in the situation - with crying, anger, frustration, being miserable, and expressing depression.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to control others with these manipulation tactics instead of moving myself to do things for myself by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to do certain things for me - even when I am capable of moving myself to do these things for myself.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy and to not commit myself to doing this important thing for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my beliefs to stand in the way of me changing.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed all of this - ideas, beliefs, memories, past experiences, expectations, future projections, resistance, emotions, temper tantrums, manipulation tactics and laziness - all because I have had a fear of the unknown and having to face it on my own.

I commit myself to do this for myself by putting my all into it, understanding it, exploring it, and learning how to do it on my own.

I commit myself to stopping myself from becoming emotional when I am faced with a point that's changed and as a result must change myself by when and as the thoughts come up of me being the victim somehow, getting the short end of the stick, and/or any of the reasons why things should go as I want, expect, or hope, I stop and breath.  I remind myself: this is Life - Life changes and where I've made the commitment to participate with and be Life, I've got to change too.

I commit myself to be equal-to the force of Life in my change and doing things for myself.

I commit myself to stop handling situations with temper tantrums and other manipulation tactics by when and as I see myself wanting to act out or speak out my frustration because something has changed, I'm not in control of a situation, and/or because I don't know what else to do, I stop and breath.  I don't allow myself to get myself worked up and in a panic and instead allow myself to breath myself back to where I can see things clearly and look at how I can approach the changed situation.  I realize that if I don't allow myself to go into my thoughts and beliefs on the matter, that I'm better able to sort things out and make adjustments as necessary.

I commit myself to stop allowing all of these ideas, beliefs, memories, past experiences, expectations, future projections, and resistances to influence me from changing - I realize that it's all utter nonsense.  And, really, I can be done with it at this point and simply use these things coming up for self-support.

I commit myself to show myself what I can do for myself to support myself.

Day 155: Automated Parent

"When I heard my bone POP, I told myself that I 'really effed myself up this time' and I was aware of why: In spite of the fact that my body had given me plenty of warning and in spite of the consequences I have walked in the recent past for being too hard on my body, I made a decision to repeat a pattern."

When I heard my bone POP, I told myself that I 'really effed myself up this time' and I was aware of why: In spite of the fact that my body had given me plenty of warning and in spite of the consequences I have walked in the recent past for being too hard on my body, I made a decision to repeat a pattern. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2013/09/day-154-im-broken.html#sthash.6aiiYA7c.dpuf

Care's Journey To Life, Day 154: I'm Broken.




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fracture and break my ankle bone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'really effing up this time'.  I see that I am often unnecessarily hard on myself because I believe that punishing myself with Words or thoughts makes a mistake better or more acceptable somehow - which, it never does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself as an emotional reaction to my judgment of myself.  I tell myself that I am taking responsibility for myself by being angry and disappointed at myself, my thoughts, my words, and my actions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how I am repeating and recreating myself as the judgmental and controlling Parent where I judge myself as 'in the wrong', I react in disappointment and anger,  and then expect some sort of show of remorse.  I have accepted and allowed this parenting tactic to such an extent that it has become automated.  I do not question it - even though in the end, when it is all said and done and I have inflicted mental and emotional harm on myself, nothing changes and nothing improves.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate the nature of self-judgment and to ask WHY I have accepted and allowed self-judgment to exist within and as me so that I can assist and support myself to stop bullying, diminishing, and belittling myself and actually get into the process of developing self-acceptance, self-respect and preventing mistakes from repeating. 

Day 147: There's Always Going To Be Something

Part Two of Self-Correction and Self-Commitment statements for Self-Forgiveness statements on Day 145: Hearing What I Want To Hear.  Part One is here.



When and as I see that I am judging myself for not doing enough when looking at what I have accomplished and comparing it to the to-do-list in my mind - I stop, I breath, and I bring myself back to here.  I see, realize, and understand that when I'm following the to-do-list in my mind that it is unlikely that I will ever do enough because I will always find something that needs to be done so that I do not allow myself to be present and here in breath.  Within this, I see that this is yet another 'carrot' that I've put in place for myself to chase after and keep myself distracted from what actually is important for me to get done everyday for me to build self-trust.

I commit myself to working on stopping my mind to-do-list by going back to my physical to-do-list - my list of things that I would like to accomplish within a day, every-other-day, and each week - and refining it to work with the changes that I've made in my living.

When and as I see that I am reacting to my real and/or imagined expectations of myself with anger, I stop and breath until I am clear.  I see, realize, and understand that this anger isn't going to change anything and it's unnecessary.  I mean, why allow myself to get caught up in and distracted by the anger?  This is a perfect time to re-direct myself - instead of getting caught up in the anger, I can look into the anger for a point of self-dishonesty.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to no longer react in anger to my real and/or imagined expectations of myself by breathing, reminding myself that no change will come if I continue to react, and investigating myself in that moment for the point of self-dishonesty that created such an intense reaction within and as me.

Day 121: How Could You Do This To Me? -- Self-Forgiveness

Traumatic Event 1 - Part 2

Day 120: How Could You Do This To Me?
In this blog, I am walking Day 121: Self-Forgiveness



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to play-out the memory of myself within a shocking/traumatic event to incite thoughts of betrayal and being unloved to which I react with experiencing myself again-and-again as hurt, vulnerable, and angry.  Additionally, I use this memory to prove that others cannot be trusted and that, when I am experiencing a traumatic, shocking, and/or stressful event, the only person countable for support and assistance is myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I deserve to be hurt, betrayed, and unloved because of my bad behavior - because I have been bad, I tell myself that I have brought these things onto myself and that if I had been good that I would have earned better treatment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and force others into my definition of what a loving person is.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and force myself into my definition of what a loving person is.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood the great amount of conflict that I have created for myself by forcing myself and trying to force others into being something that is not real and that none of us are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect an apology from outside of myself instead of bringing this point back to myself and forgiving myself for the extensive amount of trauma that I make myself re-live over-and-over-and-over again.  Instead of facing my memories and releasing these memories with writing and forgiveness, I choose to cling to my memories as a reminder of why others deserve my spite, my anger, and my aggression as well as to remind myself why I deserve to receive spite, anger, and aggression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the memories of myself within traumatic events because I fear that I will forget and that I will 'set myself up' to get hurt again.  Within and as this fear of loss, I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I am manifesting these fear within my mind where I continue to hurt myself time-and-time-and-time-again - so, this fear is in-fact useless, has not protected me, and has not changed anything in my living at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that another outside of myself can provide safety, care, and trust.  Because of this image/belief that I created, I have been on the constant look-out for another that I can depend on to provide this for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for another to keep me safe, cared for, and show that others outside of myself can be trusted.  Within and as this desire, I have made decisions that are not in the best interest of anyone - including myself - and I have created undesirable consequences.  I have not allowed myself to see, realize, nor understand that the safety, caring, and trust that I'm looking for outside of myself are actually the points that I must bring/give to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and separate myself from my memories and because of this separation, attempting to ignore, and running-away-from, I have not allowed myself to change my ways of living to establish my well-being, self-care, self-trust, and self-love.

Day 99: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 12

Continuing here with Self-Commitments.
For other posts within my Journey To Life Review - Day 1, see:

Day 98: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 11

Day 97: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 10 

Day 96: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 9
Day 95: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 8
Day 94: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 7
Day 93: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 6
Day 92: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 5

Day 91: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 4

Day 90: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 3

Day 89: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 2

Day 88: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 1

I commit myself to stopping myself from placing unreal expectations on others within the realization that the consequence of myself projecting my ideal relationship on to another is myself experiencing emotional reactions such as disappointment, grief, frustration, and doubt.  Additionally within my process I have come to understand that within this projecting my desires onto others that I am timelooping as I have been doing this for most of my existence and nothing has improved or matched my imagination.  Within this, I commit myself to (for)giving myself what it is that I am looking to separate from myself and project on to others.  I bring it back to myself.

I commit myself to stop attempting to walk others processes for them by bringing the points back to myself, working with what I am given, and not taking what I experience with others as personal. When points emerge that I have walked and am clear within,  I will assist and support others with these points - as I have been assisted and supported.  And I will remind myself the only person one can change is oneself.

I commit myself to stopping myself from believing the thought, "This is impossible.  Nothing is going to change," by not allowing myself to follow the thought nor give the thought any validity with 'proof', 'reasons', and/or 'assumptions' that make it true/real for myself.  Instead, I assist and support myself with writing and self-forgiveness to understand what is behind the excuses like, 'This is impossible," and within this commit myself to shutting those back-doors out.

I commit myself to stopping myself from fighting for my 'individuality' by assisting and supporting myself with writing, self-forgiving, and self-correcting my 'I Am' thoughts and internal statements.

I commit myself no longer allow myself to fear 'being committed' to a mental institution as I have come to understand that those that are committed to mental institutions are a threat to life and as long I continue to walk my process, follow through on my self-commitments, and stand up when faced with consequence of what I have accepted and allowed as a responsible, dedicated human being with integrity than this fear cannot be a reality for me.

Additionally, I commit myself to releasing myself from such fears as 'being committed' as I see, realize, and understand that it is my acceptance and allowance of these fears is how I make it possible for myself to become 'crazy', 'out-of-control', unstable, and possessed - within this commitment, I will use the tools of writing and self-forgiveness to assist and support myself to release these fears.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to use my fears as an excuse to not stand up, change, and take responsibility for myself and my world.  When and as I am faced with my fears, I breath through my fears, I stand up, and do what must be done.

I commit myself to stopping myself from accepting and allowing myself to move myself into the past and future with and as my fears as I see, realize, and understand that this is myself as my mind directing me from here and breathing.  When and as I see myself moving forward and backward in Time to flee from an experience of myself, I stop, I breath and I bring myself back to here and investigate the negative experience of myself within my memories that I'm running from and/or suppressing and I apply self-forgiveness as this will assist and support me to actually change.

I commit myself to stop 'humoring myself' as a reaction to my fears where I will tell myself that I am 'funny' or 'quirky' to 'save face' for myself instead of standing up and facing my fears.

Many more self-commitments to follow.