Day 211: Pot & Kettle

I've been working with a point for a few months now where I require someone else to assist me with something because I have not seen how I can do it for myself.  I have asked, I have pushed, I have yelled, I have pleaded, I have cried, I have been changing my perspective, changed the way I do things, and I have presented alternative solutions.  There have been times when I just want to throw my arms up in the air and say, 'Fuck it! I give up!' - and I really do wish this was possible - that I could just say, 'I'm done with this', and be done with it.  But it's not happening.

I have noticed that every time I approach this problem and do not come up with a workable solution, that I say to myself, "Well, I'm just going to have to do this on my own ..." And then, I say to myself, "But I don't want to have to do this on my own.  Why do I have to do this on my own?  Everyone else in this similar situation does not have to do this on their own!" I have then started crying and being miserable.  This pattern has been repeating over and over and over again.

I ask myself, "Why am I so emotional about this? Why can I not accept that I am going to have to either give this point up or take care of it on my own?"  And my answer is the same: Because I don't want to.

Tonight my son Hunter was asking me to get him a snack.  Not only was he able to get himself a snack but I was also working so I said, "No. You get it."  The thing is, I will usually just go and get him whatever he wants when he asks, though this time, I didn't see why he couldn't do it himself.  He started to whine, "Noooooooooo. I don't want to do it myself ... you have to do it for me ..." And then started whimpering and carrying on for the next half-hour until he fell asleep.

Well, oh my god.  Talk about the pot showing the kettle how black it is.  He was doing the exact same thing that I had been doing shortly before ... having a temper tantrum.

When I look at what he's experiencing, I see that he's accustomed to me getting him a snack when he wants one and he's satisfied with that. So when the situation changes and he's placed in a position of having to change what he's doing, it's not an easy thing.  I see in him how I have gotten into these habits and ways of doing things based on how they have played out in the past - and I'm so accustomed to things going that one and only way that I do not consider that there may be another way to do things.  In fact, I don't even want to consider it.  My mind does not see the point of it when things work just fine doing the 'old way', the way that I know, and the way that I see everyone else is doing it.

So, the reality is that if this point is important enough for me to have for myself, I will have to do it for myself. And within this, give up all of my ideas, beliefs, memories, past experiences, expectations, and future projections of how it should be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to do certain things on my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to change how I am doing things - even when the situation changes and there are no other practical alternatives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional when things change and as a result of this change, I have to change.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience sadness and pity for myself because things didn't go as planned, as I had hoped, or how others are going about doing similar things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have temper tantrums where I attempt to manipulate the sitatuation - and myself and others in the situation - with crying, anger, frustration, being miserable, and expressing depression.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to control others with these manipulation tactics instead of moving myself to do things for myself by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to do certain things for me - even when I am capable of moving myself to do these things for myself.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy and to not commit myself to doing this important thing for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my beliefs to stand in the way of me changing.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed all of this - ideas, beliefs, memories, past experiences, expectations, future projections, resistance, emotions, temper tantrums, manipulation tactics and laziness - all because I have had a fear of the unknown and having to face it on my own.

I commit myself to do this for myself by putting my all into it, understanding it, exploring it, and learning how to do it on my own.

I commit myself to stopping myself from becoming emotional when I am faced with a point that's changed and as a result must change myself by when and as the thoughts come up of me being the victim somehow, getting the short end of the stick, and/or any of the reasons why things should go as I want, expect, or hope, I stop and breath.  I remind myself: this is Life - Life changes and where I've made the commitment to participate with and be Life, I've got to change too.

I commit myself to be equal-to the force of Life in my change and doing things for myself.

I commit myself to stop handling situations with temper tantrums and other manipulation tactics by when and as I see myself wanting to act out or speak out my frustration because something has changed, I'm not in control of a situation, and/or because I don't know what else to do, I stop and breath.  I don't allow myself to get myself worked up and in a panic and instead allow myself to breath myself back to where I can see things clearly and look at how I can approach the changed situation.  I realize that if I don't allow myself to go into my thoughts and beliefs on the matter, that I'm better able to sort things out and make adjustments as necessary.

I commit myself to stop allowing all of these ideas, beliefs, memories, past experiences, expectations, future projections, and resistances to influence me from changing - I realize that it's all utter nonsense.  And, really, I can be done with it at this point and simply use these things coming up for self-support.

I commit myself to show myself what I can do for myself to support myself.

Day 118: How Do I Change The Way I Direct Stressful Events?

 Traumatic Events and Stresses

In the is blog series, I will be writing about Traumatic Events and Stress, how I reacted to these events, what my energy experience was, how I made myself feel in my Mind, how I changed as a result, and how I can change now to no longer accept and allow the past to determine who I am.

Additional Content:
Day 115: How Am I Currently Living With and Directing Stress? 
Day 116: How Do I React To Stressful Events?
Day 117: How Has Stress Changed Me?

 

When and as I see that I am reacting in panic or dread as a response to an event, experience, or problem that I did not anticipate and/or am required to change directions to address, I breath and stabilize myself until I am clear.  I see, realize, and understand that I am reacting to my fear of failing and/or making the wrong decision. I also understand that there are times when I may not be be able to direct an event, experience, and/or problem in a moment - in such cases, instead of reacting, I redirect myself to investigate the event, experience, and/problem, look at how others have approached similar, and get feedback from others as to the best way to proceed.




When and as I see that I am valuing my own experiences, memories, and/or perspectives above an others and within this, immediately dismissing feedback and suggestions that I did not consider, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that to get this point of devaluing another that I have already put them through the process of my reactions, backchat, and judgements that is aligned to my Mind pattern.  Thus, instead of dismissing others feedback and suggestions, I breath, hear, discuss and try out the practical, common-sense solutions that emerge from this type of communication.


When and as I see that I am in-conflict with myself as indicated by me clenching my teeth and moving between two polarity points within my mind, I stop, breath, and slow myself until I am back here and aware of my physical body - when I am stable, I investigate my polarity points and conflict with writing and self-forgiveness.

When and as I see that I have caught myself in a 'picking a personality' polarity trap as indicated by myself moving between opposing personalities as a means to pick a personality that best suits me/from a point of self-interest/gets me the outcome that I want, I stop my participating in my polarity mind trap, breath until I am back to here and remind myself that I must choose/decide/direct myself, my mind, and my physical actions within and as the 1+1 equation of what will be the best outcome for all.

When and as I see that I am physically moving myself quickly from one task to another and not allowing myself to relax and enjoy moments in life, I STOP. I slow myself down and take a moment to 'sit it out'.  I see, realize, and understand that I am fleeing from a fear and a reaction that I had to that fear that made me physically uncomfortable and that I did not want to face. Additionally, I see that I am attempting to ignore the physical discomforts of my accumulated stress that I have not given myself time to sort out. So, instead of using the excuses of 'toughing it out', 'there's too much to do', and/or 'there's not enough time', I redirect myself to assist and support myself with breathing, investigating myself in times of mental stress and physical strain, writing myself out, and using the tool of self-forgiveness to sort out and understand myself.



When and as I see that I am giving up and surrendering myself to the thought/belief/idea that I there is nothing I can do to change my situation, I STOP.  I see, realize, and understand that change is made with the decisions I make in every moment that I am presented and opportunity to make a decision to change.  Within this, I see that 'surrendering' and 'giving up' is myself saying, "I don't want to change."


When and as I see that I am disregarding, 'brushing-off', and/or attempting to ignore the feedback/reflections/mirroring-back that I'm getting from my world as indicated by myself saying, "No one knows me, my life, and my body but me," - I stop because within this separation I see, realize, and understand that this is me as my Ego defending my self-definitions. Instead of separating myself from that which I have defined as 'Not Me', I observe my surroundings and the others in my surroundings and working bringing all the points that I'm seeing back to myself - and at this stage of my process, I give specific attention to those points that are triggering my, 'NOT ME!' response.

Day 116: How Do I React To Stressful Events?

Traumatic Events and Stresses
How do I react to stressful events?
 
In the is blog series, I will be writing about Traumatic Events and Stress, how I reacted to these events, what my energy experience was, how I made myself feel in my Mind, how I changed as a result, and how I can change now to no longer accept and allow the past to determine who I am.

This post is a continuation from Day 115: How Am I Currently Living With and Directing Stress?


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear of what each day will bring and in-fear of the unknown events and experiences that could happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience moments of panic, terror, and/or anxiety within me whenever I am faced with a problem, situation, event, or conflict that I am not familiar with and/or have not faced before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to make the wrong decision and/or the wrong 'thing'/action that will 'mess everything up' beyond repair.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I do not always have to come up with solutions to problems on my own and that there are others outside of myself that may have supportive suggestions/perspectives, experience, and/or practical solutions that can assist me with what I'm seeing as a problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I must be strong - where, my definition of a 'strong person' is one that can stand on their own feet without the assistance and support of others.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a 'weak person' as one who relies on others because the weak cannot make decisions and/or problem-solve on their own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in constant conflict with myself where I tell myself that I must be strong while what I am actually feeling in my mind is weak.  Instead of facing that which I see within my mind as weaknesses, I forcefully suppress this within me and tell myself, "Nope.  I can't do this right now.  This isn't happening."

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to be equal-to anything that I see within my mind as weakness because I fear that if I allow myself or others to see how I really feel about myself that I will lose everything.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that a consequence of me not facing that fact that I see myself as weak are: I exist in a constant state of tension to push down my fear and I cannot relax because I must always be physically, mentally, and/or emotionally reacting to try to escape my backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a person that is not able to stop, sit down, relax, slow myself down, and breath.  No matter where I am or what I am doing, I am thinking about what has to be done and/or what could be done in any given moment.  I rarely allow myself to enjoy any experiences as I am conflicted with guilt, anxiety, worry, and fear of what could happen if I anything within my world is not within my control or being directed.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to hear and be aware of the messages that I have seen and/or heard outside of myself as: I am often given 'meditation gifts', others touch me/pull at me/hold me to try to get me to stay still and/or relax for a moment, tell me I have 'too much energy', that I 'think too much', or that I'm 'in my head'.  Instead of taking the time to consider others perspectives of what I'm not seeing, I disregard them immediately and say to myself, "I'm not changing.  I can't change.  I must be this way to get things done.  There is no one else that can/will do this for me."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself about who I am - where, in this case, I have been telling myself, telling others and trying to show the world that I am a 'laid-back and calm person' with very little worries or stress when this is clearly not true.  Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within hypocrisy where I tell others that they must be cool, calm, chill-out, and see that there's 'nothing to worry about'.