Day 213: Dark Side of Myself As A Leader

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as in possession of people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself, "They are mine."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to collect people.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the groups that I have been in as my collection of people - in my mind I see it as many people in my circle - and within that circle, now for me to control, take ownership of and direct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to see the confines that I place people in as a circle of defense. In my mind, the words repeat, "These are my people. Stay out. Stay away." And I see myself as a guard, constantly patrolling the perimeter, and keeping out anyone or anything that I don't see as worthy of 'my people'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to create an alternate reality for those whom I've 'collected' where I have attempted to physically manifest my idea of a perfect scenario - what I see as best for everyone. And having created this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend and protect my possessions - those that give life to the private little world that I've created from my ideas, beliefs, imaginations, and fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a panic when and as I have seen something or someone come in or attempt to come in from the area outside of the separation boundary that I have created - especially if it something or someone that I see myself as not being able to control and/or not be able to predict how the outside influence with effect things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become physically uncomfortable when and as someone or something is coming on to my territory in a way that I see as 'too comfortable' or 'too friendly' with what I have claimed as mine and after this, see and mark them as an enemy.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel all of myself into my eyes and face where I 'narrow' self, like a bullet or a bulldog, with my neck and shoulders pulled forward - still, quiet and watching - then saying to myself or out-loud with a deep sound, "No. This is not allowed. I don't like this ..."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be replaced if my people like the new individual more than me.  And as this fear, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go about making myself look better than the new individual where I will observe every move and listen to every word that the new individual makes and then map out their weaknesses in the event I see myself as having to manipulate opinion in my favor later.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make energetic emotional and feeling connections to others - if I had not done this, than I wouldn't have gone into the desire to possess and thus physically manifested the possession.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood how much more complicated I have made my life and the lives of others as a result of that initial energetic relationship connection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lead from the points of creating energetic relationships and then fearing losing those energetic relationships.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed leaders who participate in the same pattern of creating emotional and feeling relationship connections to people, fearing losing that connection that we have defined ourselves by, and then making an enemy out of anyone or anything that threatens to change those relationship connections.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how this similar play-out exists within and as all of us existentially.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and others as I have driven myself within my desire to manifest my ideas of what a perfect scenario is - unfortunately, my utopias have been created and managed from a starting point of separation and a backwards perspective about equality and oneness - they have only included a select few and not everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my vision and ideas about the way things could be. limit whom I share it with,  and also limit my potential as the one to lead the way because of my fear of making a mistake and losing it all. I realize that I must stop making emotional and feeling attachments to all of these for me to be able to open up, trust, and express myself.

Self-correction and self-commitment statements to follow.

Day 116: How Do I React To Stressful Events?

Traumatic Events and Stresses
How do I react to stressful events?
 
In the is blog series, I will be writing about Traumatic Events and Stress, how I reacted to these events, what my energy experience was, how I made myself feel in my Mind, how I changed as a result, and how I can change now to no longer accept and allow the past to determine who I am.

This post is a continuation from Day 115: How Am I Currently Living With and Directing Stress?


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear of what each day will bring and in-fear of the unknown events and experiences that could happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience moments of panic, terror, and/or anxiety within me whenever I am faced with a problem, situation, event, or conflict that I am not familiar with and/or have not faced before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to make the wrong decision and/or the wrong 'thing'/action that will 'mess everything up' beyond repair.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I do not always have to come up with solutions to problems on my own and that there are others outside of myself that may have supportive suggestions/perspectives, experience, and/or practical solutions that can assist me with what I'm seeing as a problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I must be strong - where, my definition of a 'strong person' is one that can stand on their own feet without the assistance and support of others.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a 'weak person' as one who relies on others because the weak cannot make decisions and/or problem-solve on their own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in constant conflict with myself where I tell myself that I must be strong while what I am actually feeling in my mind is weak.  Instead of facing that which I see within my mind as weaknesses, I forcefully suppress this within me and tell myself, "Nope.  I can't do this right now.  This isn't happening."

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to be equal-to anything that I see within my mind as weakness because I fear that if I allow myself or others to see how I really feel about myself that I will lose everything.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that a consequence of me not facing that fact that I see myself as weak are: I exist in a constant state of tension to push down my fear and I cannot relax because I must always be physically, mentally, and/or emotionally reacting to try to escape my backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a person that is not able to stop, sit down, relax, slow myself down, and breath.  No matter where I am or what I am doing, I am thinking about what has to be done and/or what could be done in any given moment.  I rarely allow myself to enjoy any experiences as I am conflicted with guilt, anxiety, worry, and fear of what could happen if I anything within my world is not within my control or being directed.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to hear and be aware of the messages that I have seen and/or heard outside of myself as: I am often given 'meditation gifts', others touch me/pull at me/hold me to try to get me to stay still and/or relax for a moment, tell me I have 'too much energy', that I 'think too much', or that I'm 'in my head'.  Instead of taking the time to consider others perspectives of what I'm not seeing, I disregard them immediately and say to myself, "I'm not changing.  I can't change.  I must be this way to get things done.  There is no one else that can/will do this for me."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself about who I am - where, in this case, I have been telling myself, telling others and trying to show the world that I am a 'laid-back and calm person' with very little worries or stress when this is clearly not true.  Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within hypocrisy where I tell others that they must be cool, calm, chill-out, and see that there's 'nothing to worry about'.