Day 152: Bernard is Dead. Now What?

Bernard Poolman died on Sunday, August 11, 2013. Like many others, I experienced shock and I asked, “How could this happen?” I had been considering for several weeks what would happen if he did die and I concluded that it simply would not happen. I reasoned that he was in good physical condition, that he took care of his body, and that the world needs him. In my mind, I imagined that he would be with us here until we were certain that each being had a life worth living and that until that time, he would not rest. I imagined that some day, when we get this done, that he would be free - free to rest and maybe even free from the pain that he lived with. This was the initial point that emerged when I heard of Bernard's death and it was shocking because this was not how imagined it going! This is not the way it was supposed to be! As a group, we were going to have our happy ending, damnit! No, no, no!

After this, I allowed myself to go into my thoughts and I got caught up in my dramas for several hours. My DIP buddy was here for support and the group was writing out their processes of remaining stable which assisted me in stabilizing myself. About mid-day today I made the decision to not participate in the random thoughts that were coming up and the self-pity, self-judgment, regret, blame, and emotional reactions stopped. None of my reactions changed anything anyway - I'm still here, I'm still breathing, Bernard is still dead, and our world still messed up. So, now what?

I realize that Bernard was a point of support. He has walked the process of self-forgiveness that we are now walking so he could see where we're at and give practical perspective on where we could direct ourselves more effectively. It's clear that we've been shown all of the tools to give ourselves this level of support and when and as we face a point that requires another's perspective, we have each other and the Desteni Forum.

Bernard was really good at showing us responsible decisions. He's shown us the same points time-and-time again and in as many ways as possible. It is all here and documented in the Creations Journey To Life blog and his v-logs. Now we must walk the points presented and realize them for ourselves.

I realize that any other defined relationships that I connected to Bernard are points that I must bring back to and give to myself.

With these realizations, the answer to 'now what?' is: I stand. And here I state my commitment to the Desteni group, being a part of bringing to reality a world that is best for all, and continuing with my process of self-awareness.

So, thanks for the support, direction, and down-to-earth explanations Bernard. And thanks for the wake-up call! It was really cool having you here with us.

Day 116: How Do I React To Stressful Events?

Traumatic Events and Stresses
How do I react to stressful events?
 
In the is blog series, I will be writing about Traumatic Events and Stress, how I reacted to these events, what my energy experience was, how I made myself feel in my Mind, how I changed as a result, and how I can change now to no longer accept and allow the past to determine who I am.

This post is a continuation from Day 115: How Am I Currently Living With and Directing Stress?


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear of what each day will bring and in-fear of the unknown events and experiences that could happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience moments of panic, terror, and/or anxiety within me whenever I am faced with a problem, situation, event, or conflict that I am not familiar with and/or have not faced before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to make the wrong decision and/or the wrong 'thing'/action that will 'mess everything up' beyond repair.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I do not always have to come up with solutions to problems on my own and that there are others outside of myself that may have supportive suggestions/perspectives, experience, and/or practical solutions that can assist me with what I'm seeing as a problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I must be strong - where, my definition of a 'strong person' is one that can stand on their own feet without the assistance and support of others.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a 'weak person' as one who relies on others because the weak cannot make decisions and/or problem-solve on their own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in constant conflict with myself where I tell myself that I must be strong while what I am actually feeling in my mind is weak.  Instead of facing that which I see within my mind as weaknesses, I forcefully suppress this within me and tell myself, "Nope.  I can't do this right now.  This isn't happening."

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to be equal-to anything that I see within my mind as weakness because I fear that if I allow myself or others to see how I really feel about myself that I will lose everything.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that a consequence of me not facing that fact that I see myself as weak are: I exist in a constant state of tension to push down my fear and I cannot relax because I must always be physically, mentally, and/or emotionally reacting to try to escape my backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a person that is not able to stop, sit down, relax, slow myself down, and breath.  No matter where I am or what I am doing, I am thinking about what has to be done and/or what could be done in any given moment.  I rarely allow myself to enjoy any experiences as I am conflicted with guilt, anxiety, worry, and fear of what could happen if I anything within my world is not within my control or being directed.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to hear and be aware of the messages that I have seen and/or heard outside of myself as: I am often given 'meditation gifts', others touch me/pull at me/hold me to try to get me to stay still and/or relax for a moment, tell me I have 'too much energy', that I 'think too much', or that I'm 'in my head'.  Instead of taking the time to consider others perspectives of what I'm not seeing, I disregard them immediately and say to myself, "I'm not changing.  I can't change.  I must be this way to get things done.  There is no one else that can/will do this for me."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself about who I am - where, in this case, I have been telling myself, telling others and trying to show the world that I am a 'laid-back and calm person' with very little worries or stress when this is clearly not true.  Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within hypocrisy where I tell others that they must be cool, calm, chill-out, and see that there's 'nothing to worry about'.