Day 211: Pot & Kettle

I've been working with a point for a few months now where I require someone else to assist me with something because I have not seen how I can do it for myself.  I have asked, I have pushed, I have yelled, I have pleaded, I have cried, I have been changing my perspective, changed the way I do things, and I have presented alternative solutions.  There have been times when I just want to throw my arms up in the air and say, 'Fuck it! I give up!' - and I really do wish this was possible - that I could just say, 'I'm done with this', and be done with it.  But it's not happening.

I have noticed that every time I approach this problem and do not come up with a workable solution, that I say to myself, "Well, I'm just going to have to do this on my own ..." And then, I say to myself, "But I don't want to have to do this on my own.  Why do I have to do this on my own?  Everyone else in this similar situation does not have to do this on their own!" I have then started crying and being miserable.  This pattern has been repeating over and over and over again.

I ask myself, "Why am I so emotional about this? Why can I not accept that I am going to have to either give this point up or take care of it on my own?"  And my answer is the same: Because I don't want to.

Tonight my son Hunter was asking me to get him a snack.  Not only was he able to get himself a snack but I was also working so I said, "No. You get it."  The thing is, I will usually just go and get him whatever he wants when he asks, though this time, I didn't see why he couldn't do it himself.  He started to whine, "Noooooooooo. I don't want to do it myself ... you have to do it for me ..." And then started whimpering and carrying on for the next half-hour until he fell asleep.

Well, oh my god.  Talk about the pot showing the kettle how black it is.  He was doing the exact same thing that I had been doing shortly before ... having a temper tantrum.

When I look at what he's experiencing, I see that he's accustomed to me getting him a snack when he wants one and he's satisfied with that. So when the situation changes and he's placed in a position of having to change what he's doing, it's not an easy thing.  I see in him how I have gotten into these habits and ways of doing things based on how they have played out in the past - and I'm so accustomed to things going that one and only way that I do not consider that there may be another way to do things.  In fact, I don't even want to consider it.  My mind does not see the point of it when things work just fine doing the 'old way', the way that I know, and the way that I see everyone else is doing it.

So, the reality is that if this point is important enough for me to have for myself, I will have to do it for myself. And within this, give up all of my ideas, beliefs, memories, past experiences, expectations, and future projections of how it should be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to do certain things on my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to change how I am doing things - even when the situation changes and there are no other practical alternatives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional when things change and as a result of this change, I have to change.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience sadness and pity for myself because things didn't go as planned, as I had hoped, or how others are going about doing similar things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have temper tantrums where I attempt to manipulate the sitatuation - and myself and others in the situation - with crying, anger, frustration, being miserable, and expressing depression.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to control others with these manipulation tactics instead of moving myself to do things for myself by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to do certain things for me - even when I am capable of moving myself to do these things for myself.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy and to not commit myself to doing this important thing for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my beliefs to stand in the way of me changing.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed all of this - ideas, beliefs, memories, past experiences, expectations, future projections, resistance, emotions, temper tantrums, manipulation tactics and laziness - all because I have had a fear of the unknown and having to face it on my own.

I commit myself to do this for myself by putting my all into it, understanding it, exploring it, and learning how to do it on my own.

I commit myself to stopping myself from becoming emotional when I am faced with a point that's changed and as a result must change myself by when and as the thoughts come up of me being the victim somehow, getting the short end of the stick, and/or any of the reasons why things should go as I want, expect, or hope, I stop and breath.  I remind myself: this is Life - Life changes and where I've made the commitment to participate with and be Life, I've got to change too.

I commit myself to be equal-to the force of Life in my change and doing things for myself.

I commit myself to stop handling situations with temper tantrums and other manipulation tactics by when and as I see myself wanting to act out or speak out my frustration because something has changed, I'm not in control of a situation, and/or because I don't know what else to do, I stop and breath.  I don't allow myself to get myself worked up and in a panic and instead allow myself to breath myself back to where I can see things clearly and look at how I can approach the changed situation.  I realize that if I don't allow myself to go into my thoughts and beliefs on the matter, that I'm better able to sort things out and make adjustments as necessary.

I commit myself to stop allowing all of these ideas, beliefs, memories, past experiences, expectations, future projections, and resistances to influence me from changing - I realize that it's all utter nonsense.  And, really, I can be done with it at this point and simply use these things coming up for self-support.

I commit myself to show myself what I can do for myself to support myself.

Day 183: The Desteni of Living - My Declaration of Principle

From here, I commit myself to live the following principles:

1. Realizing and living my utmost potential

2. Living by the principle of what is best for all – guiding me in thought, word and deed to
always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all

3. Living by the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that
my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa

4. Self Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application – the action of
realizing I am responsible for my own thoughts, words and deeds, to forgive myself for
transgressions and change myself to ensure I take responsibility for who, what and how I am
and through this know that I can trust myself to always be honest with me and so others

5. Living the principle of Self Responsibility – realizing only I am responsible for what I
accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this
responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising
who I am, what I live and how this affects others

6. Realizing that who I am in thought, word and deed affects not only myself – but others as
well and so with Self Responsibility in thought, word and deed – I take responsibility for
myself and so my relationships to be Self Aware in every moment and live in such a way that
is best for me and so others as well

7. Living the Principle of Self Awareness – to be aware, to see, to recognize my own thoughts
and Mind, to be self honest to the extent where I can take responsibility for when I see
my thoughts / Mind is not what is best for me / others and commit to immediately take
responsibility and change for myself and so for others

8. With taking responsibility for myself, becoming aware of myself – take responsibility
and become aware of others in my life, to assist and support them as I am assisting and
supporting myself – to give as you would like to receive and do the extra bit every day to see
where I can contribute to other’s lives and so my own

9. Living the principle of self trust – as I commit myself to remain constant in my living of self
honesty, self responsibility and self awareness, I stand as an unbending trust that I always
in all ways know who I am no matter what I face and that in this I know, as proven in the
constancy of my living that I will always honour and stand by what is best for all and so best
for me

10. Making Love Visible – through me not accepting/allowing anything less than my utmost
potential, I support those in my life to reach their utmost potential, to love them as I have
shown love to myself by gifting to me my utmost potential, the best life/living experience
and show others as I have shown myself what is means to LIVE

11. No one can save you, save yourself – the realization that the tools and principles of Desteni
is the guide, but I must walk the path myself. We are here to assist and support each other
in this process from Consciousness to Awareness/LIFE and what it means to live – but the
process itself, where you are alone with yourself in your own Mind: is walked alone

12. Not waiting for anything or anyone to take responsibility for me and this world – but that I
realize I have created who and how I am in this moment, therefore I have the responsibility
to change who and how I am and so the realization that we as a collective created how and
what this world is today and so it is the responsibility of the collective to change how and
what this world is today

13. Honoring the life in each person, animal – everything from the great to the small of earth,
that we expand our awareness and responsibility to creating the best possible life for
everyone and everything and so ourselves

14. Relationships as Agreements: individuals coming together using agreements as a platform
to one-on-one expand, grow and develop as individuals in life and living to support/assist
each other unconditionally to reach their utmost potential where the agreement is a coming
together of individuals understanding what it means to stand as equals and to stand as one

15. Sex as Self Expression – where sex is an united expression between individuals in honor,
respect, consideration and regard of each other as equals, two physical bodies uniting in
equality and oneness – a merging of two equals as one physically.

16. Realizing that by the virtue of me being in this world – my responsibility does not only
extend to my own Mind / my own Life, but to the minds and lives of everything and
everyone of this earth and so my commitment is to extend this awareness to all of humanity
to work together and live together to make this world heaven on earth for ourselves and the
generations to come

17. I must in my thoughts, words and deeds – but most importantly in my living actions, become
a living example for others in my world that is noticeable and visible when it comes to the
potential of a person to change themselves and so change their world. So that more people
can realize how we can change this world, by standing united in our self change within the
principle of what is best for all to bring heaven to earth

18. I am the change I want to see in me and my world – to bring heaven to earth is to bring into
being, into living the LIVING PROOF of a PRACTICAL HEAVEN that can be seen and heard in
our actions and words. We are the Living Heaven that must come into creation in this living
world.

19. Through purifying my thoughts, words and deeds – my inner becomes my outer, so I bring
into creation me as heaven into earth, realizing it is not enough to ‘see the change / be the
change’ – for change to become REAL it must be a constant, consistent living of me through
the words I speak and the actions I live visible and noticeable to all in every moment of
breath

20. Realizing that my physical body is my temple – my physical body is the living flesh through
which and in which I will bring into being and create / manifest heaven on earth as me in my
thoughts, words and deeds and so I honor, respect and regard – nurture and support my
physical body as I would nurture and support me as equals: my body is me

21. We are the change in ourselves and this world we have been waiting for: and so I commit
to dedicate myself and my life for each one as all to realize this, as nothing will change if we
don’t change in all that we are, within and without

22. The realization that for me to be able to change myself in thought, word and deed to the
most effective living being that I can be and become – I first have to ‘know thyself’ and so
commit myself to investigate, introspect and understand how I became who I am today,
to prepare the road before me into self creation of a responsible, aware, self honest and
trustworthy person for myself and so for all

23. The realization that for me to be able to contribute to change in this world – I have to get
to ‘know thyself’ as this world and so commit myself to research, investigate and introspect
the inner and outer workings of this world and align the systems of today to present and

give the best possible life for all on Earth

Day 163: Excuses, excuses ...

"Truth and Lies"
Artwork by Andrew Gable
2013

 My last blog writing was on October 12, 2013.  In the past, I have missed a few weeks here and there but never to this extent.  The excuses started when I began writing in a personal journal instead of sharing writings in the blog and from there I told myself that I had other things that were more urgent for me to complete.  As the weeks passed, I would come up with other reasons: the computer isn't working, the computer room isn't clean enough for me to focus, I'm tired, I'm too busy with family responsibilities, I have to catch up on my TV series, and I just don't feel like it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait over two months to write in my blog - over two months of procrastinating that I have allowed myself to accumulate the consequences of me not doing what I agreed for myself to do.  So, now, I am faced with points of worry, anxiety, fear, and anger that I have not directed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the excuse, "I've missed a few weeks of writing in the past and I was fine," to exist within and as me.  I allowed this excuse because it benefited me in the moment - if I had instead looked back to the times when I did not share writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitment,  I was not 'fine' - in-fact, I experienced instability because I was not being self-honest and standing within and as my self-commitment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the excuse, "Writing in my personal journal fulfills my daily requirement for writing," to exist within and as me.  I got into this habit of writing in my personal journal when I was physically injured - this assisted with keeping myself stable at the time, however, after healing I was more than able to continue with my Journey To Life blog and decided to continue writing in my notebook because it was easier and it benefited me.  An additional problem that I saw but did not push myself to correct is that I would bounce from writing and self-forgiving one experience to the next with very little self-correction and self-commitments so I have not actually changed.  By writing in private, I decided time and time again to not hold myself accountable.

When and as I see myself allowing the excuse, "I've missed a few weeks of writing in the past and I was fine," I stop.  I realize that I am accepting this excuse/reason/justification because it appeals to my self-interest and it's what I want to hear in the moment - it's not actually a real account of events, just something that I worked out in my mind as to avoid self-responsibility - it is self-dishonest because time and time again I have shown myself that I am not 'okay' when I decide not to share writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

I commit myself to no longer allowing the excuse, "I'll be fine if I miss a few weeks of writing in my Journey To Life blog," by when and as the excuse/reason/justification comes up, I remind myself that I have not been 'fine' when I decide not to share in my Journey To Life blog for longer than a week and instead of giving in to my self-interests, I remind myself of my self-commitment to share writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrections, and self-commitments in my blog and no longer accept and allow resistance as procrastination, excuses, reasons, and justifications. 

When and as I see that I am considering procrastinating or waiting to write in my Journey To Life blog, I stop.  I realize that when I procrastinate with writing in my blog that I create unnecessary consequence for myself as worry, anxiety, fear, and anger.

I commit myself to STOP procrastinating with writing in my Journey To Life blog by setting specific days of the week that I will write in my Journey To Life blog and doing it.

When and as I see that I am allowing the excuse/reason, "Writing in my personal journal and/or notebook fulfills my daily requirement for writing," I stop.  I realize that writing in a personal journal and/or notebook is self-support for when I am not physically able to use a computer.  Additionally, I realize that the decision to continue to write in a personal journal/notebook and not share my writings, self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-correction is me not wanting to hold myself accountable and is me exercising my Free Will as spite. 

I commit myself to stop using the excuse/reason, "Writing in my personal journal and/or notebook fulfills my daily writing requirement for writing," by reminding myself that writing in my personal journal and/or notebook does not fulfill my commitment to share my process of writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrections, and self-commitments for change and within this, I commit myself to hold myself accountable and responsible by sharing my process publicly.