I've been working with a point for a few months now where I require someone else to assist me with something because I have not seen how I can do it for myself. I have asked, I have pushed, I have yelled, I have pleaded, I have cried, I have been changing my perspective, changed the way I do things, and I have presented alternative solutions. There have been times when I just want to throw my arms up in the air and say, 'Fuck it! I give up!' - and I really do wish this was possible - that I could just say, 'I'm done with this', and be done with it. But it's not happening.
I have noticed that every time I approach this problem and do not come up with a workable solution, that I say to myself, "Well, I'm just going to have to do this on my own ..." And then, I say to myself, "But I don't want to have to do this on my own. Why do I have to do this on my own? Everyone else in this similar situation does not have to do this on their own!" I have then started crying and being miserable. This pattern has been repeating over and over and over again.
I ask myself, "Why am I so emotional about this? Why can I not accept that I am going to have to either give this point up or take care of it on my own?" And my answer is the same: Because I don't want to.
Tonight my son Hunter was asking me to get him a snack. Not only was he able to get himself a snack but I was also working so I said, "No. You get it." The thing is, I will usually just go and get him whatever he wants when he asks, though this time, I didn't see why he couldn't do it himself. He started to whine, "Noooooooooo. I don't want to do it myself ... you have to do it for me ..." And then started whimpering and carrying on for the next half-hour until he fell asleep.
Well, oh my god. Talk about the pot showing the kettle how black it is. He was doing the exact same thing that I had been doing shortly before ... having a temper tantrum.
When I look at what he's experiencing, I see that he's accustomed to me getting him a snack when he wants one and he's satisfied with that. So when the situation changes and he's placed in a position of having to change what he's doing, it's not an easy thing. I see in him how I have gotten into these habits and ways of doing things based on how they have played out in the past - and I'm so accustomed to things going that one and only way that I do not consider that there may be another way to do things. In fact, I don't even want to consider it. My mind does not see the point of it when things work just fine doing the 'old way', the way that I know, and the way that I see everyone else is doing it.
So, the reality is that if this point is important enough for me to have for myself, I will have to do it for myself. And within this, give up all of my ideas, beliefs, memories, past experiences, expectations, and future projections of how it should be done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to do certain things on my own.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to change how I am doing things - even when the situation changes and there are no other practical alternatives.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional when things change and as a result of this change, I have to change. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience sadness and pity for myself because things didn't go as planned, as I had hoped, or how others are going about doing similar things.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have temper tantrums where I attempt to manipulate the sitatuation - and myself and others in the situation - with crying, anger, frustration, being miserable, and expressing depression. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to control others with these manipulation tactics instead of moving myself to do things for myself by myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to do certain things for me - even when I am capable of moving myself to do these things for myself. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy and to not commit myself to doing this important thing for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my beliefs to stand in the way of me changing.
And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed all of this - ideas, beliefs, memories, past experiences, expectations, future projections, resistance, emotions, temper tantrums, manipulation tactics and laziness - all because I have had a fear of the unknown and having to face it on my own.
I commit myself to do this for myself by putting my all into it, understanding it, exploring it, and learning how to do it on my own.
I commit myself to stopping myself from becoming emotional when I am faced with a point that's changed and as a result must change myself by when and as the thoughts come up of me being the victim somehow, getting the short end of the stick, and/or any of the reasons why things should go as I want, expect, or hope, I stop and breath. I remind myself: this is Life - Life changes and where I've made the commitment to participate with and be Life, I've got to change too.
I commit myself to be equal-to the force of Life in my change and doing things for myself.
I commit myself to stop handling situations with temper tantrums and other manipulation tactics by when and as I see myself wanting to act out or speak out my frustration because something has changed, I'm not in control of a situation, and/or because I don't know what else to do, I stop and breath. I don't allow myself to get myself worked up and in a panic and instead allow myself to breath myself back to where I can see things clearly and look at how I can approach the changed situation. I realize that if I don't allow myself to go into my thoughts and beliefs on the matter, that I'm better able to sort things out and make adjustments as necessary.
I commit myself to stop allowing all of these ideas, beliefs, memories, past experiences, expectations, future projections, and resistances to influence me from changing - I realize that it's all utter nonsense. And, really, I can be done with it at this point and simply use these things coming up for self-support.
I commit myself to show myself what I can do for myself to support myself.
