Day 72: I Have Everything - Part 2

ART by Rozelle Destonian De Lange

On day 70: I Have Everything, I investigated my Fears in-relation to the point of Having Everything.  Here I am continuing with Thoughts.

Thoughts

- A person in my immediate life walking through the door and seeing that the house is messy or that I haven't completed my 'chores' - they are disappointed, begin questioning me, and then become extremely angry.

- Same person is anxious before guests come into the home: will clean for a day or two if someone is coming into the house that they do not 'know', uncomfortable about 'neat people' coming to visit, nervous/defensive/embarrassed/apologetic if someone drops by unexpectedly and they haven't cleaned.

- Before I was 5 or 6, we didn't have much 'stuff' and life seemed easier and simpler.  As I got older and stuff accumulated, it was time-consuming to maintain and distracting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to another coming into my home because I see that I am not 'good enough', that I haven't 'done enough' and that they will find a flaw in my housework and demonstrate/communicate their disappointment, begin questioning me but not listening to my answers and thus become angry - I do not like experiencing myself as not good enough, as disappointing others, not 'knowing' the 'right' answers or as insecure within having no control over what another says or does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to my home being 'messy'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to the 'stuff' in my house - because the more 'stuff' that I have, the more 'stuff' I have to worry about making sure it's in order and the higher the 'risk' of myself experiencing myself as anxious, nervous, distracted, and insecure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nervous, anxious, distracted, insecure, frustrated and/or angry when someone gives me a 'gift' that is not something that I would use every day because I see the gift as 'yet another thing' for me to have to be responsible for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be come angry when others get me gifts or 'stuff' that I do not 'use everyday' because I have connected gifts and stuff that I don't use everyday to more work and less Time - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect anger and frustration to the 'stuff' in my home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience being overwhelmed and depressed with the stuff in my house because I just don't know what to do with it all - additionally, I fear 'giving it away' or 'getting rid of it' because there may come a day when I will need it and in the moment that I need it and if I don't have it when I need it, I will have to buy another one or go without. Additionally, I experience guilt when I see myself giving/selling 'stuff' to others because I don't want them to have to go through the same negativity that I am in connection with 'stuff' as I see it as 'pawning it off' on others.

When and as I see that I am becoming overwhelmed with not knowing 'what to do' with the objects in my home as indicated by the frustration, blame, and anger I am projecting on these objects and thus my going into a pattern of avoidance so that I do not have to experience the frustration, blame, anger, and overwhelming-ness, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that within this I am perpetuating a pattern and if I remain in this pattern that nothing will change - that if I do not look at my anger, frustration, and blame self-honestly by bringing these points back to myself that I will continue to experience myself as overwhelmed, not get anything done, and not push to make improvements within my life, my environment, and my world.

So, in self-honesty and bringing the frustration, blame, and anger back to myself instead of projecting these experiences on to objects:
I see, realize, and understand that I am frustrated and angry with myself for not meeting the unreal expectations I have set for myself in relation to sorting myself, my environment, and my world out.  This is not going to happen over-night - this is going to take years - and in-fact, it could take me longer than others because of the choices that I have made within my career, the lives that I am responsible for, my network, and my home - this is my life, this is my reality.
 

I commit myself to be patient with myself and to not 'rush' my process by moving myself to sort myself, my reality, my environment, and my world with moments and days instead of hours of Time on a clock as my process of self-support is one point that I can move in this way.

I commit myself to stopping my pattern of becoming overwhelmed by stopping my participation in the avoidance of frustration, anger, and blame-back-chat by instead, re-directing myself to self-forgive my frustration, anger, and blame-back-chat and within this, take responsibility for myself within these points so that I can actually make a change and/or make some progress with myself and my environment.

When and as I experience anxiety as a reaction to the thought of a family member visiting my home, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that this is a reaction to judging myself and thus a fear of embarrassment that I have adopted from others' experiences of themselves within my world.  There is no realistic grounds for this judgement and fear to exist upon - and further, WHO exactly came up with this rule that my house has to look a certain way in order for me to be accepted? And WHY am I perpetuating this rule when it's obvious that it sucks?

I commit myself to no longer accept nor perpetuate the Rule that One's House Must Look A Certain Way and to instead, move myself to get done what needs to get done to ensure that my home is safe and comfortable.

I commit myself to remove the judgements of myself living within my home and thus remove the judgements of how others live in their homes by self-forgiving the points that come up within my daily process in relation to how a home is 'supposed' to look and why.  

Additionally, as I explore the point now, I see that I am looking at a point of competition as well, where if my home is cleaner than another than I experience a 'good feeling' about myself - this is not cool. Why is it that I need a 'good feeling' and why must I place myself as 'better' than and 'above' another to get it?

 This will continue with the Imagination Dimension.

Day 71: Preventing Time-Related Stress

I will continue with 'I Have Everything - Part 2' in the next blog.

For the moment, I'm sharing an experience that I had this weekend.

A childhood friend of mine invited me to her parents house for some 'girls time away'.  An over-night adventure turned into over 24-hours of just 'chilling out' for me.  My friend has a little girl close to my son's age so the kids played which allowed me to move freely - it was quite awesome.  I did not watch the time - I set no limits as to where I needed to be a certain time and when I observed myself putting a rush on myself, I stopped, I breathed, and I remained where I was.  We ate when we wanted to eat, we drank when we wanted to drink, we all moved within what interested us in moments - not necessarily the same interests, but we were together.  It was very cool.  I noticed that I became clear, stable, and focused and my learning process expanded - like, there was this vast open space within me that was limitless.  I also saw that I was moving slowly and when I saw that I was speeding up, I would slow myself back down as this is how the others around me were moving.

When I came home, I was clear and I was still moving slow - so clear and so slow in-fact that there was a change - first, I noticed that I wasn't chewing on my right 'ring' fingernail nor my pinky and second, the ringing in my ears was gone.  This lasted for awhile until I began putting the pressure on myself to write/respond-to emails, get my blog entry done because I haven't shared the past couple of days, be with my partner, and communicate with another that I'm in conflict with.  At this point, the ringing in my left ear came back almost immediately.

So, I've been walking this time point for awhile and within the past 24 hours, I've come to see, realize, and understand what my life could actually be like if I remove this stressor.  Additionally, all should have the opportunity to experience themselves in this way - everyday of our life.  In one moment of all making the decision to support and implement an Equal Money System, this could be done.  Imagine the potential of the human within this - for me, it's mind-blowing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand what life could in-fact be without the stress I put myself as my mind and body within/through via my reacting to a time clock.  I have not seen how simplified my life could be when and as I 'let go of time' because I have feared that if I 'let go of time' that I will 'lose time' or that I will lose myself within time - and this is not true.

Why, as a group, have we accepted and allowed ourselves to place ourselves within/through this stress of having to be somewhere at all times and by a specific time on a 'dead-line'?

Why have I accepted and allowed this?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by an object/number/calculation outside of myself that I have separated myself from as a Clock and Time because I have accepted and allowed the System of Time that has been passed onto me from those that I have gone before me within the belief that if I do not agree with and/or comply with this system, that I will not survive in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a failure, being unable to provide for myself and those I care about, and being seen as 'lazy' and not a part of the group if I was to not agree with and comply to time within my definition of what is required to survive and/or be successful within the world systems of money and relationships.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the prevention, for the moment, that I can give myself within and as my relationship to time is to stop my fear of losing time with writing and self-forgiveness; and then with re-directing myself within a commitment to breath and slow myself down as stress-prevention for myself.

When and as I see that I am rushing - that my thoughts/mind/body/movements are speeding, I stop.  I breath.  I slow myself and bring myself back to myself to where I am in a moment - I am here.  I see, realize, and understand that I am doing myself and others a great disservice by allowing myself to be distracted by time and that if I am watching a clock or thinking about where I have to be and for what reasons, that I am not here - I am instead, trying to get out of here and thus living in the future and this is not cool. 

I commit myself to the prevent myself from reacting to time by breathing and self-forgiving myself for the thoughts/reactions/back-chats/imaginings that come up within my mind and then re-direct myself to bring myself back to myself as me here and present.

I commit myself to not only gift myself with the prevention of stress in relation to time but to also show others that there is a gift that we can give each other as all which is an Equal Money System that will put an end to this rushing to meet deadlines to survive/avoid being seen as a failure.

 

Day 69: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 7

ART By Anna Brix Thomsen

This blog is continued Self-Correction from:
Day 68: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 6
Day 67: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 5

For context, see writing and Self-Forgiveness within:
Day 66: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 4
Day 65: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 3
Day 64: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 2
Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You

"The fear you experience is not in-fact real – if you'd remove it you wouldn't miss it – it doesn't give you food, shelter, clothes, or the ability to pursue your interests. Other people can't even see your fear as it's a completely subjective experience that exist only in you – and you make it real through basing your decisions according to the fear." - Viktor Persson

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I lose respect because of something that I have written or expressed, that I will lose my job which will open up an entirely 'new can of worms' as consequence including, but not limited to, having to change jobs.

When and as I attach fear of loss to my job or having to change jobs as indicated by my physical panic reaction, myself not breathing, and my mind speeding forward to the possibilities of 'what could be', I stop.  I breath. I see, realize and understand that I am creating this fear as a means to keep myself 'in-check', under-control, and on a specific path that does not give me the opportunity to realize myself - because if I am distracted by fear and motivated by fear I will not question myself, I will only react.  Additionally, I see, realize and understand that 'changing jobs' is nothing more than changing scenery where the picture is different but all within as myself are the same - all points to be walked.  Fearing changing jobs has never kept never kept me from changing jobs - so, this makes no sense for me to hold onto this point.  Further, I see, realize, and understand that what is fueling my fear of changing jobs is my fear of embarrassment, fear of lost time/personal-physical investment, my fear of failure, my fear of others seeing me as a failure, and thus, my fear of losing respect from others.  All fears - and the only person that is making these fears real is myself.

I commit myself to stopping myself from allowing myself to fear that I will lose a job or have to change jobs because of 'something I wrote' by practically seeing first, that if I need to be cautious within my system of survival that I will have indicators as I have witnessed this process; second, I trust myself to re-direct myself toward a solution that ensures that my system of survival remains stable; and third, in my world, job removal does not happen without several prior warnings and/or indicators - and again, within this, I will direct myself accordingly.

I commit myself to stop myself from fueling my fear of loss of respect with other fears by breathing, investigating myself, and becoming equal-to my fears with Self-Forgiveness.

I commit myself to slowing myself as my mind down as I have recently seen, realized, and understood that an indication of my mind racing forward is my experience of myself within a 'head blurr' and within this, I have practiced breathing to clear myself and this works - so, when I am in this blurry experience, I commit myself to not allowing myself to 'check-out', 'shut-down', and/or 'get caught within my thoughts' by breathing and thus clearing myself immediately.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear how others will react if I write and/or express something that could be seen and/or interpreted as disrespectful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'how others will react to if I write and/or express something that could be seen and/or interpreted as disrespectful' to fear - thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.



When and as I see that I am fearing being seen and/or interpreted as being disrespectful as indicated by myself experiencing myself as 'sorry', remorseful, regretful and/or panicking where I try to scurry and make 'it right again', I stop, I breath.  I see, realize and understand that this is my Fear of Loss that is connected to/a product of my Fear of Embarrassment and my Fear of Change - within this, I see, realize and understand that the core and/or connecting point of all of my fears is my Fear of Not Being In-Control - not being in-control of others, not being in-control of my environment, and not being in control of my self. 

I commit myself to freeing myself from this System of Fear as I see that it 'divides' me/separates me, breaks me apart, keeps me trapped within a continuous state of conflict and overwhelmed by the extensive amount of relationship connections that I have created between fear, other beings, my environment, and my self.  To bring this commitment into being, I commit myself to explore, self-forgive, and walk the correction of every one of these fear connections - as I committed myself to in the previous blog - by writing everything in my world and my connection/relationship to these things.

Let's see where it goes from here.