Day 70: I Have Everything - Part 1

ART By Anna BrixThomsen

I have everything that I need and more than I want.  My home is filled with stuff.  It's everywhere.  And a great amount of my Time has be spent on organizing, moving, getting rid of, and getting more stuff. When I throw stuff out, give stuff away, or move stuff where I do not have to see it, it always comes back to the same - piled up somewhere.  Even if I am not out buying stuff, stuff always ends up here - I'm constantly given stuff.  It's distracting to me.  And what I want more than anything is to simply have a clear, well-organized space that's easy to maintain. But ... this stuff just won't go away ...

Self-Forgiveness for this point will be for the relationships that I have created/connected to this stuff as a whole.

Fear

- That I will die and all of this stuff will be left behind that I never sorted through - an thus, another will be responsible for sorting through what I could not get done myself.
- That others will visit my home and label me as a 'messy, lazy person' and a 'bad mom' for not creating a clean, organized space for my child to grow in 100% of the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not have enough time in my life to sort through myself, organize myself, and become responsible for myself/my world - and instead of seeing that I am speaking to myself about my fears and thus give myself an opportunity to become equal-to this fear, I projected this fear onto my environment as 'stuff' where I blamed all the stuff in my environment/home/living-space because it was easier to distract myself with 'stuff' outside of myself, react to it, and become overwhelmed within it as I exist in my mind only rather than bringing the 'stuff' back to myself  and seeing my relationship with myself within my relationship to 'stuff'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am judging myself as a 'messy, lazy person' and a 'bad mom' as indicated to me by my projection onto myself as others as me.  Instead of stopping, breathing, and becoming equal-to this blame-projection with writing and self-forgiveness for where this 'messy, lazy person' and 'bad mom' relationship connection to an unorganized home originated from within my experiences, I accepted, I allowed it, I became it, and I tried to enforce it/impress it upon others so that I did not have to change.

When and as I see that I am becoming tired, overwhelmed, worried, and/or rushed to organize my home because I am anxious and hurrying to avoid any future embarrassment, I stop. I breath. I slow myself down and I see, realize and understand that 1) death is going to come when it comes - I have no control over this nor do I have control over the reactions of others to what I may have left behind as done or not done - I do what I can with what time that I have and running around worrying, being tired, overwhelmed, hurried, rushed, and/or anxious to prepare for my death is not living, it's preparing to die; and 2) When I do die/leave my physical body and face my 'Creator'/myself, I would like to see that I was a life worth living and I would not like to see that I was a life of self-inflicted energetic reactions.

When and as I see that I am judging myself as a 'messy, lazy person' and a 'bad mom', I stop.  I breath.  I baaaaaaack it up.  I see, realize, and understand that I am enforcing/impressing on myself and others my programming within the fear that if I do not support this programming and thus 'keep myself and others in check', that I will lose myself as a my positive definition of/as a 'neat freak' because I 'can't stand messes' and that 'I care about the health and well-being of others living with me'.  This is a polarity trap that I have set for myself to keep me locked in and not questioning the system/myself as a system where I tell myself that a mom that doesn't have the 'perfect' house is bad mom and within this, try to make myself better by becoming my positive definition of a 'good mom' and a 'good person' which includes having a 'perfectly clean and organized home'.

I commit myself to stop preparing myself to die and instead focus on being a life which I will do by breathing and being present here.

I commit myself to no longer accepting allowing my 'Perfect Mom-Perfect Person-Perfect Home' character and system programming to exist within and as me - I will show myself that this character/system programming is unrealistic as I investigate with Self-Forgiveness and then re-direct myself as a Real Mom-Real Person living in a Real Home. And within this, I commit myself to no longer impress this character/system programming on to others but to instead share practical, common sense direction.

Continuing with Self-Forgiveness for Thoughts in next entry.

Day 69: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 7

ART By Anna Brix Thomsen

This blog is continued Self-Correction from:
Day 68: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 6
Day 67: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 5

For context, see writing and Self-Forgiveness within:
Day 66: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 4
Day 65: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 3
Day 64: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 2
Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You

"The fear you experience is not in-fact real – if you'd remove it you wouldn't miss it – it doesn't give you food, shelter, clothes, or the ability to pursue your interests. Other people can't even see your fear as it's a completely subjective experience that exist only in you – and you make it real through basing your decisions according to the fear." - Viktor Persson

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I lose respect because of something that I have written or expressed, that I will lose my job which will open up an entirely 'new can of worms' as consequence including, but not limited to, having to change jobs.

When and as I attach fear of loss to my job or having to change jobs as indicated by my physical panic reaction, myself not breathing, and my mind speeding forward to the possibilities of 'what could be', I stop.  I breath. I see, realize and understand that I am creating this fear as a means to keep myself 'in-check', under-control, and on a specific path that does not give me the opportunity to realize myself - because if I am distracted by fear and motivated by fear I will not question myself, I will only react.  Additionally, I see, realize and understand that 'changing jobs' is nothing more than changing scenery where the picture is different but all within as myself are the same - all points to be walked.  Fearing changing jobs has never kept never kept me from changing jobs - so, this makes no sense for me to hold onto this point.  Further, I see, realize, and understand that what is fueling my fear of changing jobs is my fear of embarrassment, fear of lost time/personal-physical investment, my fear of failure, my fear of others seeing me as a failure, and thus, my fear of losing respect from others.  All fears - and the only person that is making these fears real is myself.

I commit myself to stopping myself from allowing myself to fear that I will lose a job or have to change jobs because of 'something I wrote' by practically seeing first, that if I need to be cautious within my system of survival that I will have indicators as I have witnessed this process; second, I trust myself to re-direct myself toward a solution that ensures that my system of survival remains stable; and third, in my world, job removal does not happen without several prior warnings and/or indicators - and again, within this, I will direct myself accordingly.

I commit myself to stop myself from fueling my fear of loss of respect with other fears by breathing, investigating myself, and becoming equal-to my fears with Self-Forgiveness.

I commit myself to slowing myself as my mind down as I have recently seen, realized, and understood that an indication of my mind racing forward is my experience of myself within a 'head blurr' and within this, I have practiced breathing to clear myself and this works - so, when I am in this blurry experience, I commit myself to not allowing myself to 'check-out', 'shut-down', and/or 'get caught within my thoughts' by breathing and thus clearing myself immediately.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear how others will react if I write and/or express something that could be seen and/or interpreted as disrespectful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'how others will react to if I write and/or express something that could be seen and/or interpreted as disrespectful' to fear - thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.



When and as I see that I am fearing being seen and/or interpreted as being disrespectful as indicated by myself experiencing myself as 'sorry', remorseful, regretful and/or panicking where I try to scurry and make 'it right again', I stop, I breath.  I see, realize and understand that this is my Fear of Loss that is connected to/a product of my Fear of Embarrassment and my Fear of Change - within this, I see, realize and understand that the core and/or connecting point of all of my fears is my Fear of Not Being In-Control - not being in-control of others, not being in-control of my environment, and not being in control of my self. 

I commit myself to freeing myself from this System of Fear as I see that it 'divides' me/separates me, breaks me apart, keeps me trapped within a continuous state of conflict and overwhelmed by the extensive amount of relationship connections that I have created between fear, other beings, my environment, and my self.  To bring this commitment into being, I commit myself to explore, self-forgive, and walk the correction of every one of these fear connections - as I committed myself to in the previous blog - by writing everything in my world and my connection/relationship to these things.

Let's see where it goes from here.