Day 41: I Can't Watch This - Part 5

Here I am continuing with my process of understanding Animal Abuse.  For context, see:
Day 37: I Can't Watch This
Day 38: I Can't Watch This - Part 2
Day 39: I Can't Watch This - Part 3
Day 40: I Can't Watch This - Part 4
And the documentary Earthlings

ART By Silvia Simone Gerssen

I am questioning my definition of Abuse because:

• I see abuse everywhere, in every 'thing' on this planet.
• When I am NOT being self-honest, I do not see myself as an abuser - I see everyone/thing else OUTSIDE of myself as The Abuser.
• I react to others stories, memories, and experiences of abuse/being abused as, "What the HECK? That is SO wrong." I experience a sorriness with the individual sharing their experience.  I want to hug, hold, and comfort the victim and I want to do everything within my power to separate the victim from their abuser.  I become angry with Earthlings hurting other Earthlings - I become angry, frustrated, and disappointed with Earthlings who ignore the Earthlings that are being hurt by other Earthlings.  I want the abuser, in any form that they have taken on this earth - animal, plant, insect, human, element - all that is HERE to STOP.  Even if it means removal. Just stop.  WHY does it have to be this way?

Now, when and as I ask others in my immediate environment the question of 'WHY does it have to be this way?', I hear, "It is what it is ...", "It's God's Will ...", "That's life ...", "Survival of the fittest ...", "There's nothing any that I or any of us can do about it ...", "Yep.  We're all evil. Get used to it ..." or, "Not my concern, not my problem ..."

Honestly, I am equal to each and every one of these answers as the truth is, before participating with a group if beings that are working on standing up and taking responsibility for the abuse, my answer to the question of 'WHY does it have to be this way?' was any of the above responses depending on what character I was acting, studying, or practicing at the time.  The fact that I have a 'new perspective' as 'NO MORE ABUSE PERIOD' changes nothing in my pattern of character creation - specifically, since I realize that as long as I am reacting to what myself or others see or share as 'abuse', that I have no clue what I'm standing for - how can I possibly give myself an opportunity to understand when I'm completely DISTRACTED by my reaction? I'm just another picketer, waiving a well-written sign in the air, while I use every possible character in my arsenal to get passerby's to not cross-the-line, to join us, or get out of the way.

Here is where I see myself - standing on the grass with my eye-catching sign of all the ugliness that is here.  From time to time, I get the attention from a curious, lonely, or guilty walker-by that wants to learn more but in the end I hear and see, "No thanks. Good luck, though.  I might check on you later to see how you're doing ..."  I see others as not 'getting it' - which is interesting because I GOT IT - loud and clear. Sure, there was a moment when I said, 'This person is INSANE ... I'm out of here ...' but I came right back for more in a matter of days.  Why?  Because all of my questions were answered honestly.  These people spoke to my common sense.  And they gave, and gave, and gave, and gave...

So. Honestly, truthfully, practically, and realistically, how am I allowing myself to define Abuse?  Because I can 'take others words for it' or allow my imagination to show me what abuse is, who the abusers are, who the victims are, etc. - over and over and over again BUT it's not getting me anywhere.

Oh, and another point:  Because we are ALL REACTING TO ABUSE, this leaves A LOT of room for deflection and deception.  I have proved this to myself recently.  Abuse is another Trump Card that I play to resist changing.  I've lived through some chaotic, confusing, emotional, unsafe and physically damaging times which I see myself as justified as using as an excuse and/or escape.  I can no longer allow myself to become this Abused Person Character nor can I accept this character of/as/from others.

Putting It Together
In relation to Animal Abuse and my reaction to the Earthlings documentary, I am reacting as my 'I'm An Abuser' and 'I Am/Was/Will Be Abused' Characters where I then justify becoming the 'I Can't' Character where I am allowing myself to resist as my mind and thus continue with my programming so that I do not allow myself the opportunity to establish an actual real relationship connection with myself via another Earthling.

Solution
In my next blog I will write my self-correction and self-commitment statements for my 'I Can't Watch This' Character. From there, I will investigate how I am living out my Abuse programming/Characters/definitions so that I can stop the reactions, GIVE myself an underSTANDING, and thus continue to establish a relationship of trust with myself.   Within this, I will continue watching Earthlings as my reaction indicates that I must walk this point with my awareness of my resistance.

Day 40: I Can't Watch This - Part 4

Here I continue Self-Forgiveness statements for
Day 37: I Can't Watch This
Day 38: I Can't Watch This - Part 2
Day 39: I Can't Watch This - Part 3

ART by Andrew Gable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself show myself a picture of myself as a very young child swinging a black cat around by it's tail until it died. Within this picture, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this picture as an outsider and/or observer where I am watching a scene of a me-child with soft, curly baby-hair in a diaper.  When and as when I place myself inside myself as a child, I experience nothing - no emotions, no fears, no cares - and the actual act of swinging the cat by it's tail was 'something to do' in that moment - I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to know, with 100% certainty, if I in-fact anticipated that the cat would die or not as I have allowed myself to become my consciousness and separated myself from myself to such a degree that I do not trust my memories prior to starting kindergarten at age 5.  Within this realization of where I am at the moment when I look back to myself at the age of 3 or 4 when I killed that cat, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as not caring if I removed a life.  I forgive myself that I see myself as a person that does not care nor do I have to care because who I was at 3 or 4 was my 'natural state of being' and thus have given myself permission to be a person that is going to do what I want REGARDLESS of the consequences.

Because of this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself permission to do what I want, regardless of the seen and/or justifiable unseen consequences because I can use this memory of myself as an excuse of 'it's who I am/it's my TRUE nature' to do whatever I want to myself and other living and breathing beings/creatures because it is what interests me in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the excuse of 'she didn't know any better' where I accepted myself as not 'knowing any better' because within that, I saw that I was free from blame.  What I did not see what was going on is that even though I was TOLD that I was free from blame, I was not.  Because I questioned myself as I saw others reacting in fear, embarrassment, and mistrust - over and over again, I abused myself with blame, embarrassment, and doubt over and over and over again until I made myself 'sorry' where I was sorrowful and experienced grief and remorse for what I had done to prove to myself and the world that I was 'a good girl, -really-'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself as a Sorry-Good-Girl-FOR REAL as a means to make the pain of guilt, remorse, and embarrassment to GO AWAY.  Even though I have said I AM SORRY over and over and over again to absolve myself from my guilt of hurting, disappointing, scaring, manipulating, lying to, and/or not seeing myself as being good, I was absolved from NOTHING.  As:

• I did not change when I said and expressed my sorry-ness.
• I continued to abuse myself with the memory of what I had done as what I saw was 'wrong'.
• I accepted what I have done as 'wrong' and abused myself with my wrongness and so I have allowed others to become the authority of me where I accept what others told me of myself as being wrong and thus allowed myself to be mentally/physically/socially/emotionally abused as a person 'in the wrong'.  I allowed myself to believe/tell myself/see myself as 'deserving it'.
• I rationalized have that my abuse of others was/is 'okay' and/or justifiable if another was in the wrong or had 'done me wrong' or 'broken the pre-determined rules'.
• I saw MYSELF as abused and thus saw myself in others that I saw as being abused as -I- had been abused and from this I judged and then became angry with back-chat - and when I expressed my anger and disappointment at another for their wrongness, I expected to see and/or hear sorry-ness and if I did not see/hear sorry-ness then I would express my anger to others where I would demand JUSTICE and thus build a jury of my peers who would assist me in the persecution of the abuser where we would decide/agree AS A GROUP whether or not to 'let it slide', 'make it hard' for the accused via the threat of exile until we determined they could be trusted again, DEMAND CHANGE, or remove them from ourselves completely.  But ... if any time the accuser came to us and expressed their utmost sorry-ness, sorrow, and remorse for their 'wrong', we accepted the abuser back ... and said, "Aww. See.  Look.  They are trying to change."  And then, "Maybe we were too hard on them ..."

What I did not see here within this pattern is how guilt and the possibility of oneself/the group being in the wrong absolves each other from actually having to change.  I also did not see how Self-Doubt sabotages any chance of change in ourselves, each other and the world which tells me that we have not allowed ourselves as a group within our agreement of the system to stand for anything with 100% certainty which indicates to me that we are all aware that this cycle/system is really messed up - however, we are trapped in it within neutrality, as 'nothing we can do about it' as 'oh well, best thing I can do is cover my own butt'.

And how did this ENTIRE CYCLE start? In that ONE MOMENT of REACTION.

Within this realization,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself NOT to see, realize, understand, and thus apply myself as a responsible, solution-directed PARENT where in that one moment where I had the choice to 'React' or 'Do Not React', I REACTED.  Because I have seen being able to react as normal, understandable, justifiable, and MY GOD GIVEN RIGHT as a human being with emotions, feelings and pre-determined expectations of RIGHT and WRONG, I did it. I did not see how the consequences of this one moment would perpetuate a system/pattern/cycle/entrapment of myself, others in my life, humans, animals, and all other Earthlings within outrage, abuse, guilt, and complacency.   

To be continued.