Day 178: How To Stop Being A Stress Junkie - Part 1

In this entry, I'm continuing with self-correction and self-commitment statements from writing and self-forgiveness on Day 177: Addicted To Stress? Whaaat?

SELF-CORRECTION AND SELF-COMMITMENT STATEMENTS

When and as I see that I am using stress as a way to have an experience, I stop and breathe.  I realize that having experiences does not necessarily mean that I'm living or having a life.

I commit myself to stop using stress as a way to experience life by when and as I am in this state of stress, breathing, slowing myself down, and reminding myself that being in this constant state of fear, worry, and reaction is not living - it is actually quite harmful for myself, my body, and my mind.  So, within this, I commit myself to take care of myself and to no longer accept and allow myself to go into stress for the sake of 'feeling something'.

When and as I see that I am telling myself and/or allowing myself to be influenced by the belief that I must feel something in order for me to be alive, I stop and breathe.  I realize, at the moment, that living for me is being here, being present, breathing, and being aware of my physical body as well as the processes/patterns that are playing out within my mind.  So, instead of focusing on what 'more' I could with physical energetic experiences, I focus on what I do have - myself, breathing, my body, and my mind processes/patterns that are required to be sorted through, understood, and restructured.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to be influenced by the belief that I must feel something - something different, something more, something exciting - in order for me to be classified as 'being alive'.  And within this, I commit myself to stopping this desire to 'be alive' by allowing myself to actually, really live here, breathing, and being/becoming aware of myself as a mind and physical being.  I will work with what I have rather than being on the look-out for what I must have that I apparently do not.

When and as I see that I have or that I am considering placing myself in a situation of stress or trauma, I stop, I breath, and I slow myself down.  I realize that by allowing myself to go into the stress or trauma that I am choosing to follow my mind and when I do this, I am a willing participant within and as the thoughts, fears, worries, emotions, feelings and the general seeing myself as not being in-control - the ingredients that go into my recipe for stress and trauma.

I commit myself to stopping myself from deliberately placing myself in stress and/or trauma by no longer allowing myself to automatically go into my thoughts, worries, fears, emotions, feelings and the belief of having no control within and as situations - where, instead, when faced with the choice to go into my thoughts, worries, fears, emotions, feelings, and beliefs about control OR to breath, relax my body, straighten my posture, and slooooooow down, I choose to breath, relax my body, straighten my posture and sloooooow down.

When and as I see that I am experiencing an uncomfortableness when and as I am quiet with myself, I stop and breath.  I realize that the uncomfortableness I am experiencing is me not wanting to face the consequences of the stress and trauma that I have accepted and allowed.  The truth is that I'm never actually quiet -- aside from the the usual physical movement within and as my physical body, my ears are usually ringing and my skin feels like it's constantly and continuously 'swirling-moving-resonating-vibrating' as a result of the energy that I've allowed to accumulate within and as me.  Instead of turning to stressful situations as a 'cure' and thus accumulating more energy, I support myself to sort though and diminish the energy build-up from my stress and trauma that I've already accumulated.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to run from the uncomfortableness I experience when I am alone, breathing, and silent by pushing myself to continue to breath, allowing myself to be with myself as the consequence that I have created for myself, and within this, allowing myself to let this energy go and to diminish.  I commit myself to stop agitating myself so that I can settle and be stable.

Day 117: How Has Stress Changed Me?

Traumatic Events and Stresses

 In the is blog series, I will be writing about Traumatic Events and Stress, how I reacted to these events, what my energy experience was, how I made myself feel in my Mind, how I changed as a result, and how I can change now to no longer accept and allow the past to determine who I am.

Additional Content:
Day 115: How Am I Currently Living With and Directing Stress? 
Day 116: How Do I React To Stressful Events?

How has stress changed me? 
How have I changed as a result of my reactions to my experiences?

I exist in constant and continuous dread of events, experiences, or problems that I cannot control because I fear the consequences if I were to fail and/or make the wrong decision. 

I do not trust others perspectives as being equally as applicable as my own and that in the event that I am given suggestions, I must be convinced that it there is potential for these suggestions to work.


I have polarized myself within and as two conflicting personalities: Weak and Strong - the consequence of this is that I am tense because of the conflict within myself.  In my mind, I see this experience of myself as being in the middle of a tug-of-war rope and being pulled in opposite directions while I strain, clench my teeth, and redistribute my weight to not get over-taken to either direction.

Within this picture representation I have within myself as the victim of polarity, I see that this is dishonest because I often choose to be either the Weak or Strong characters/personalities depending on what gets me what I want in that moment.

I realize that Life, as it has existed for me, did not come with an Instruction Manual as to how to become the Best Human Being For All and that because of this, I have created myself from what I've witnessed has worked for others and what was gained for themselves.  Many of the characters/personalities that I have stored within and as me are in-conflict.  And because I have been scared to say or do the 'wrong thing', I never trusted myself to be myself - and the personalities are so extensive at this point, that it's difficult to remember who/what that self is.  What I -do- remember is not being liked by many others prior to me changing myself as I see their faces and actions of disapproving, experience frustration, and/or not understanding my expressions.  I also continue to haunt myself with cruel spoken words.

I must keep myself physically moving and do not allow myself to relax and enjoy moments in life because I flee from guilt, worry, fear, and not wanting to face the uncomfortableness that I experience within my physical body.  Within this, when I am busy moving and in my mind, I do not experience the constant tingling-twitching-vibrating-pulsating sensation in my skin and I'm able to tune out the ringing in my ears.

I have surrendered to the thought, belief, and idea that there is nothing I can do to change my situation.

I ignore, disregard, or 'brush-off' the reflections of me that are seen in my world because I have already defined myself/my Ego identity.  I tell myself that no one knows me, my life, and my body but me - and this is interesting as it makes me wonder where/why I learned this scripted line as I'm seeing it is quite far from the truth.