Day 177: Addicted To Stress? Whaaat?

As I was listening to How Addiction To Pain and Suffering Killed Me, I identified that I am addicted to stress.  Stress has become channel for me to have an experience - whether that experience is positive or negative does not matter as much as long as I am experiencing something.  When I'm not putting the pressure of stress on my mind and my body, I find that there is a quietness within me that I am not comfortable with because I physically feel a blankness, an emptiness, or a nothingness that I have equated to being blank, being empty, or being nothing - as if this a wrong way of being and that I have failed at living a satisfying life full with the thrill and excitement of unpredictability, ups-and-downs, feelings, emotions, and all kinds of physical energetic sensations.  When I am not within this state of speeding thoughts, reactions, excitement, and fear and instead, simply being here alone with myself with not much going on within me our outside of me, I will eventually interpret this state of being as 'a depression' because that's the word that I have connected to moments where there is very little to nothing going on within me.  Depression is something that I fear because in mind, I judge depression as a negative expression of oneself - that being depressed is wrong, bad, and that I could lose myself within the blankness, emptiness, and nothingness that I have associated with depression.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to stress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself use stress as a way/channel for me to have an experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have some sort of an experience at all times and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must have some sort of an experience at all times for me to experience being alive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my body and mind in a state of stress and trauma.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and be uncomfortable with a physical experience of quietness, blankness, emptiness, and/or nothingness.  I have defined the experiences of quietness, emptiness, blankness, and nothingness as being 'wrong', 'bad' and/or 'negative' - like something is wrong with me if I am not 'feeling something'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that something is wrong with me if I am not feeling something and within this believe that I must have thrills, excitement, unpredictability, ups-and-downs, feelings and emotions and all kinds of physical sensations in order for me to have a well-rounded, balanced, and satisfied life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret quietness and/or little-to-no energetic movement going on within/as me as Depression and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect Depression to 'quietness', 'emptiness', 'blankness', and 'nothingness'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energetic highs of speeding thoughts, reactions, excitement, and fear rather than allow myself to be here and be alone with myself without much going on inside nor outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Depression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see Depression as a negative thing that must be avoided.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I could lose myself within the state of blankness, emptiness, quietness, and nothingness that I have connected to Depression.  Instead of facing this fear, I run from it and go to activities that are stressful and have consequential effects on my mind and body that are not easy to live with, that are harmful, or aren't best.