Monday, March 10, 2014

Day 175: Is the Grass Greener?

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It is fascinating to review my life thus far and see that I have always been jealous. Was I born this way? I mean, even as a baby I wanted what others had for myself because I saw that what others possessed had an effect on them - gave them an experience of themselves that I wanted for myself. What is interesting is that: when I would acquire what others possessed, I rarely experienced myself [with the possession] in the exact same way that I had perceived another as being [with the possession]. This is a pattern that I have repeated throughout my existence within objects, relationships, and my career - it has all been from seeing myself as not having, seeing others as having, desiring having what I see others having, getting what others have, and then not experiencing what I had expected with what I have acquired. As this wanting, needing, desiring, and jealous person, I am competitive - I allow no boundaries to stand in the way of me getting what I want - no person, no situation, no excuses. So, I have to ask myself: given that I have also identified a pattern of laziness and procrastination that exists within and as me, what is it about jealousy that drives me into the opposite polarity of self-will and self-determination? Why have I never harnessed these skills and applied them toward better supporting myself and others?


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always exist with/in/as jealousy. I never question why I always want what I do not have and why I want to get what others have that I do not have - in-fact, I never slow the process down enough to the point where I can look at it and see that it is a pattern that I constantly and continuously participate in. I simply accept that jealousy, that wanting, needing, and desiring what others have is who I am - something negative about myself that I cannot change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want what others possess when and as they look to be having a better/superior experience as a result of that possession. I see what I possess as inferior and as being less-than and/or not as good as what others have for themselves. I exist in this constant and continuous state of: The Grass Is Greener On The Other Side, where when I get to where the grass is apparently 'Greener', I see that what I possessed before and how I experienced myself at that time was Better/Inferior. So, no matter which side I am on, I am never satisfied - I move back-and-forth-and-back-and-forth, trapped in this Superiority/Inferiority - Better/Worse Polarity - never making a decision nor moving in regards to what is actually supportive for myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, think, and imagine that: if someone is happy, content, and/or satisfied with something about themselves, their lives, or something they own, that I will be happy, content, and/or satisfied too with that same exact something as myself and/or something separate and outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be competitive in response to my jealousy. When I compete from a starting point of jealousy, I often compromise myself - I judge, I gossip, I think and speak nasty things, I am spiteful, I am arrogant, I am manipulative and I push my physical body - all to show I am the better person, the better choice, better able, and that I am superior. So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed judgment, gossip, nasty thoughts and spoken word, spite, arrogance, manipulation, disregard for my physical body to exist within and as me - as competition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe (and act as if) I am lazy and a procrastinator when it is quite clear that I will move and physically push myself in response to my mind desires and self-interests. I do not allow myself to see my actual physical drive-ability, embrace myself as that ability, and develop myself to my full potential - no, I being a mind and a mind only apply myself only on those things that separate myself from myself, where I am not taking responsibility, and I'm not standing - most anything that is not actually supportive for me, others, and my external world.

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