It is fascinating to review my life
thus far and see that I have always been jealous. Was I born this
way? I mean, even as a baby I wanted what others had for myself
because I saw that what others possessed had an effect on them - gave
them an experience of themselves that I wanted for myself. What is
interesting is that: when I would acquire what others possessed, I
rarely experienced myself [with the possession] in the exact same way
that I had perceived another as being [with the possession]. This is
a pattern that I have repeated throughout my existence within
objects, relationships, and my career - it has all been from seeing
myself as not having, seeing others as having, desiring having what I
see others having, getting what others have, and then not
experiencing what I had expected with what I have acquired. As this
wanting, needing, desiring, and jealous person, I am competitive - I
allow no boundaries to stand in the way of me getting what I want -
no person, no situation, no excuses. So, I have to ask myself: given
that I have also identified a pattern of laziness and procrastination
that exists within and as me, what is it about jealousy that drives
me into the opposite polarity of self-will and self-determination?
Why have I never harnessed these skills and applied them toward
better supporting myself and others?
SELF-FORGIVENESS
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to always exist with/in/as jealousy. I never
question why I always want what I do not have and why I want to get
what others have that I do not have - in-fact, I never slow the
process down enough to the point where I can look at it and see that
it is a pattern that I constantly and continuously participate in. I
simply accept that jealousy, that wanting, needing, and desiring what
others have is who I am - something negative about myself that I
cannot change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to want what others possess when and as they look
to be having a better/superior experience as a result of that
possession. I see what I possess as inferior and as being less-than
and/or not as good as what others have for themselves. I exist in
this constant and continuous state of: The Grass Is Greener On The
Other Side, where when I get to where the grass is apparently
'Greener', I see that what I possessed before and how I experienced
myself at that time was Better/Inferior. So, no matter which side I
am on, I am never satisfied - I move
back-and-forth-and-back-and-forth, trapped in this
Superiority/Inferiority - Better/Worse Polarity - never making a
decision nor moving in regards to what is actually supportive for
myself and others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe, think, and imagine that: if someone is
happy, content, and/or satisfied with something about themselves,
their lives, or something they own, that I will be happy, content,
and/or satisfied too with that same exact something as myself and/or
something separate and outside of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to be competitive in response to my jealousy.
When I compete from a starting point of jealousy, I often compromise
myself - I judge, I gossip, I think and speak nasty things, I am
spiteful, I am arrogant, I am manipulative and I push my physical
body - all to show I am the better person, the better choice, better
able, and that I am superior. So, I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed judgment, gossip, nasty thoughts and spoken
word, spite, arrogance, manipulation, disregard for my physical body
to exist within and as me - as competition.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to think and believe (and act as if) I am lazy and
a procrastinator when it is quite clear that I will move and
physically push myself in response to my mind desires and
self-interests. I do not allow myself to see my actual physical
drive-ability, embrace myself as that ability, and develop myself to
my full potential - no, I being a mind and a mind only apply myself
only on those things that separate myself from myself, where I am not
taking responsibility, and I'm not standing - most anything that is
not actually supportive for me, others, and my external world.
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