Day 190: Changing My Starting Point In Process - Part 2

"Over the past couple of months, I have also observed of myself reoccurring thoughts and experiences of being forced to do things.  Forced to work, forced to clean, forced to take care of my responsibilities and commitments, forced to do this, and forced to do that.  In my mind, I have seen almost everything as being forced on me and within this, I have disregarded the fact that I made the decision to do the things that I do on my own as well as the moments that I actually do enjoy what I'm doing.  I have not allowed myself to see this, though - instead I've placed blame and placed responsibility on something or someone outside of myself.  I realize that I have been doing this for most of life which makes it pretty clear why it's automatic now."  From Day 189: Changing My Starting Point In Process - Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed reoccurring thoughts of 'being forced to do things' to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create experiences of 'being forced to do things' for myself from me wanting to believe that my thoughts about 'being forced to do things' is real and true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto my belief and idea that I am 'being forced to do something' despite that I'm not seeing that the idea and belief holds up in physical reality - no one outside of me is physically forcing me to work, clean, take care of my responsibilities and commitments or forcing me to walk my process.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that because I don't want to let go of the belief and idea that I'm 'being forced to do things' that I will actually create for myself the experience of 'being forced', force myself to do things, and then attempt to project this behavior onto something or someone in my external environment as to further solidify that my belief and ideas are are correct and that I am right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately overlook how I actually enjoy doing what I am doing throughout my day - I enjoy myself while I am working, cleaning, and building a foundation of trust with myself within taking care of my responsibilities and walking my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to self-sabotage myself within my process by not allowing myself to see how much I enjoy it - all because I wanted to hold onto to the desire to be right about myself having to be forced to do things.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate where and why - in my history - did I create this idea and belief of myself as being forced to do things.  And further, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by the events in my past and my programming and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing how I have continued to allow my past to determine who I am now and my starting point within approaching physical commitments and process.

I forgive myself that I accepted 'being forced' into my physical fabric and I forgive myself that I have allowed this to be/become me well into a time when I actually did have a choice to change my programming.

I commit myself to no longer accept nor allow myself to believe 'being forced to do things' thoughts that come up by when and as the thoughts come up, I stop and breath.  I do not go into the thought nor allow myself to look for reasons why the 'being forced to do things' thought is true or correct.  Instead, I allow myself the opportunity to see the thought and self-forgive the memories and reactions that are coming up within me in relation to the thought.

I commit myself to seeing how my beliefs and ideas about me 'being forced' have limited me and self-sabotaged my process of growth and change throughout my history and from this seeing, I commit myself to no longer limit myself to being one that is 'being forced' and instead BEING A FORCE.

Force = Physical action or movement

I commit myself to living the word FORCE by being the physical action or movement within my process as well as my other commitments and responsibilities.

Over the past couple of months, I have also observed of myself reoccurring thoughts and experiences of being forced to do things.  Forced to work, forced to clean, forced to take care of my responsibilities and commitments, forced to do this, and forced to do that.  In my mind, I have seen almost everything as being forced on me and within this, I have disregarded the fact that I made the decision to do the things that I do on my own as well as the moments that I actually do enjoy what I'm doing.  I have not allowed myself to see this, though - instead I've placed blame and placed responsibility on something or someone outside of myself.  I realize that I have been doing this for most of life which makes it pretty clear why it's automatic now. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/#sthash.WGxqysGt.dpuf

Over the past couple of months, I have also observed of myself reoccurring thoughts and experiences of being forced to do things.  Forced to work, forced to clean, forced to take care of my responsibilities and commitments, forced to do this, and forced to do that.  In my mind, I have seen almost everything as being forced on me and within this, I have disregarded the fact that I made the decision to do the things that I do on my own as well as the moments that I actually do enjoy what I'm doing.  I have not allowed myself to see this, though - instead I've placed blame and placed responsibility on something or someone outside of myself.  I realize that I have been doing this for most of life which makes it pretty clear why it's automatic now. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/#sthash.WGxqysGt.dpuf

Over the past couple of months, I have also observed of myself reoccurring thoughts and experiences of being forced to do things.  Forced to work, forced to clean, forced to take care of my responsibilities and commitments, forced to do this, and forced to do that.  In my mind, I have seen almost everything as being forced on me and within this, I have disregarded the fact that I made the decision to do the things that I do on my own as well as the moments that I actually do enjoy what I'm doing.  I have not allowed myself to see this, though - instead I've placed blame and placed responsibility on something or someone outside of myself.  I realize that I have been doing this for most of life which makes it pretty clear why it's automatic now. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/#sthash.WGxqysGt.dpuf

Day 185: Proving Myself to the World

I want to prove myself.

I want those around me to recognize my talents, skills, experience and knowledge.

I want others to recognize my 'life's work', my hard work - my labor.

In my mind, I show myself that others around me - those who I see in positions of authority over me or those that actually have the physical ability to promote me and have influence on the direction of my living, must demonstrate a recognition of my work and my potential.  Additionally, if my talent and ability isn't recognized, I experience a loss of self - like, that part of myself, my time, my labor, and my history is lost and wasted.

I fear losing that part of myself that I defined as 'someone' with 'talent in the system' because holding on to this definition of myself as a talented, skilled, experienced, and knowledgeable person, creates a positive experience for myself.  I fear losing the good about myself, what I do, and what I have done.  So, when others do not recognize my talents, my skills, my abilities, and my achievements, it's as if all that I was and all that I did is lost or never existed at all.

Within this, I become sad and go into self-pity as I tell myself that my life and my potential is lost.  In an attempt to escape the depression, I will go into my imagination where I work out how to get what I want from others whether it's telling others what I can do, showing anyone that is willing to watch what it is that I can do, acting faster, and/or competing with others as to make myself stand out, to get attention, or to 'look better' then my fellow human beings.  It is as though I am acting out the words: See me! See me!  I was here first! I am so much better than the other person.

As I've walked this point of desiring recognition from others, I've come to realize that I am communicating with myself about what I want from ME where it is time to recognize for myself what I have done and what I could do - it's time to discard the beliefs and ideas that I've created, defined, and designed for and as myself and get into the unexplored areas of myself that I have been denying myself access to because I have been limiting myself with beliefs about myself and who/what I was and what I have accomplished - as if, that is all that I am or will ever be just because I'm good at it and because being 'good at it' gives me a positive energetic experience.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need, desire, and within these, drive myself to receive attention, recognition, and approval from my external world.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that me wanting to receive attention, recognition, and approval from my external world was me actually wanting to receive attention, recognition, and approval from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over-and-over-and-over again - constantly - depend on others to recognize me because I would not give recognition to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe - via my constant and continuous application of this belief, program it into the actual physical fabric of my beingness and my body - that attention, recognition, and approval isn't real unless it is received in constant and continuous affirmation from external sources.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am in want, need, desire to receive attention, recognition, and approval from an external source and within this, see myself driving myself to get attention, recognition and approval from an external source, I stop, breath, and remind myself to 'bring it back to self' - and within this, give myself attention, recognize myself, be aware of myself and what I am doing, and make adjustments to what I am doing that will assist and support me to work and live my utmost potential.

I commit myself to over-and-over-and-over again, bringing points that I attempt to project on others back to myself and within this constant and continuous application of 'bringing it back to self', integrate self-awareness into my nature and my physical 'fabric', as to no longer accept, allow, nor require others to stand as points of attention, recognition, and approval for me.

In the next post I will continue with my belief that my external world has authority over me.