Day 197: My Way

A point that has repeatedly resurfaced for me throughout time has been me seeing that things must be done 'my way'.  I have seen myself going into this mindset with my children, my other family members, my partnership with my husband, my friends, my career, how I have lived leadership roles, how I work in the system, my education process, and day-to-day living like paying bills and how the house is cleaned.   In my mind, in order for things to be perfect, these things must be done 'just so'.

Image source: rewondered.com

When I have seen reality - when I have seen that I cannot make others do things my way - I have attempted to give up on others, myself, my ideas, my beliefs, and my known way of doing things. However, because my ideas and beliefs about what's best have still existed within me as memories, experiences, and physical ways of doing things that 'work' for me over time, I have never really ever been able give up my ideas, beliefs and ways of doing things - nor have I ever been able to give up on myself and others.

I realize that this giving up never lasts which indicates to me that it's an energetic experience which is not real and then on the other-hand, this having to do things 'my way' is quite real because it is my pre-programming, I have accepted the imprinting of others' words and behaviors, and I have also allowed it to become a part of me because of my utilization of my pre-programming, my participation with the illusions I've created in my mind, and my acting out what I have seen in others when they have gotten things done 'their way'.

As I look at the point, I see that this point exists within all of us - our need for our beliefs to be right and our desire to have our ideas be perfect. So, perhaps I'm not only facing a personal or a interpersonal problem but also an existential predicament.

Because we are physically and mentally separate from each other, we have the tendency to make ourselves the center of existence - we alone live and breath with ourselves day-after-day-after-day.  We may share ourselves and our physical space with others but when it comes down to it, we always only have ourselves within and as us.  Pair that isolation with a mind that records our personal experiences, functions in a constant state of self-preservation and survival, and maintains it's existence by utilizing that energy generated when one gets one own way or not, and our ability to see, be aware of and consider others, beliefs, ideas, and ways of doing things is impaired.

Further, when another challenges, opposes, or is not in agreement with our beliefs, ideas, and ways of doing things, we can become quite nasty because these are points that we have defined ourselves by, have been living out, and see as who we are - and who we are is what we choose in our own way - and in that respect, is perfect.  And being Perfect As You Are is just another idea that's thickly layered on and around our existing ideas and beliefs to keep them and ourselves in place.

Another dimension I have seen is having to do with insecurity.  I recently listened to a discussion entitled Insecurity: Going Deeper: Introduction - Atlanteans – Part 248 on Eqafe which assisted me to see where and why I created this fear of being wrong or doing something wrong and how my insecurity has been triggered when I have been faced with something where there is a potential for me to mess it up or to get in trouble somehow.

And today, I listened to Everything Must Be Just So - Life Review which opened my eyes up to how I have been attempting to control others and how things go as to avoid insecurity and avoid going into something that is unpredictable, is outside of my comfort zone, is challenging, looks overwhelming or may change something in some way.

Which brings me to the fear of the unknown - the things I don't understand, the things I can not predict the outcome of, and the things that I simply have not known what to do with because I have not familiarized myself with these things and haven't known what to do with or about them.  This is where I have had the tendency to react and to handle these unpredictable things with emotions.

Being emotional hasn't improved my situation much - and even if I did somehow manage get out of not facing a point that I'm not comfortable with by having a tempter tantrum, convincing myself and others that I'm not capable of dealing with the thing, or going into doing these things 'my way', I have not challenged myself to be able to handle whatever life brings and so I have not allowed myself to accept and participate with life.

After investigating all of this, I see that the solution is to breath and not react - and perfect this.  I also see that it's an absolute must to participate with life by understanding, problem-solving, and directing the things that are new, unfamiliar, or seemingly beyond my ability to control.

More to come.

Day 169: I Hope Things Get Better - Part 2

Here continuing with Self-Correction and Self-Commitment from Day 168: I Hope Things Get Better - Part 1.

When and as I see that I am going into Hope as indicated by me deliberately attempting to ignore, put-off, and wait-for the events and situations in my reality to ‘work themselves out’ in a positive way, I stop, breath, and do NOT go into a distraction. I realize that I must stand up, take responsibility for myself and my reality and move myself to make decisions for change, plan how to implement these decisions, and then physically do the work required to change the situation.

I commit myself to stop going into Hope and within this stop attempting to ignore, put-off, and wait-for the events and situations in my reality to ‘work themselves out’ by instead standing up, taking responsibility for myself and my reality and moving myself to make decisions for change, planning how to implement my decisions for change and then physically doing the work required that will actually change my situation.

When and as I see that I am not being the direct guiding principle of myself as indicated by me becoming overwhelmed with problems instead of going into solutions, I stop and breathe. I realize that this is how I begin the process of my self-sabotage and that if I go into this overwhelmed experience that I will then trigger my pattern of procrastination and justify my not standing with the statement, “there’s nothing I can do to change this at the moment,” where I wait and do nothing.

I commit myself to be the direct guiding principle of myself by not allowing myself to become overwhelmed when I see problems and stopping myself from saying, “there’s nothing I can do at the moment,” and stopping myself from procrastinating. Within this, I commit myself to go into the solutions creation process when and as I see problems.

When and as I see that I am deliberately attempting to ignore what I see are problems and/or overwhelming events as indicated by me distracting myself with other tasks, ‘forgetting’ about a problem, and/or telling myself that, “things will work out on their own if I leave them alone,” I stop and breathe. I realize that problems don’t work themselves out and that problems are actually potential solutions that require physical movement/force to be worked out. I realize that I have limited myself by allowing myself to believe that I am not capable of physically moving a problem to a solution and within this, taking the easy way out instead of facing my personal beliefs of insecurity and fear.

I commit myself to STOP my deliberate attempts at ignoring a problem and then trying to pass the problems off to others when I am unable to forget the problem and/or the problem doesn’t ‘work out on its own’ and continues to emerge by when and as I see problems, remind myself that problems are potential solutions that require physical movement and from here, push myself to be that force that moves the problem to a solution. Here, I show myself that I am able to realize solutions and within this, assist and support myself to see that how I have allowed my beliefs, insecurities, and fears have limited me.

When and as I see that I am not moving myself to assist and support myself to make changes, improvements, and/or preventative actions with the reason, justification, excuse, and/or belief that I have had miraculous experiences in the past where my life ‘suddenly gets better’ and so it’s ‘okay’ to Hope that it will happen again, I stop and breath. I realize that within Hope, I am looking and waiting for a positive energetic experience – I am addicted to and possessed with/by this tiny sliver of ‘goodness’. Not once have a stopped to question why I apparently need this positive energetic experience nor have a looked beyond placing my trust in Hope and investigated ways of making changes, improvements, and/or preventative actions so that I am no longer looking-for and waiting-for a positive sudden energetic fix.

I commit myself to stop looking for and waiting for something positive to happen – I commit myself to stop going into Hope by when and as points come up that require to be fixed, improved, and/or change, I physically move myself to fix, improve, and/or change these points.