Day 189: Changing My Starting Point In Process - Part 1

When I began walking my process a few years ago, my starting point was that I did not have a choice - I saw that I must start writing and must start saying self-forgiveness -- or else.  I see that I have participated in a fear that I won't exist after death and participated in the fear that in one moment, I will be gone forever.  So, in my mind I see that I have been allowing this hope, faith, and belief that somehow (and I'm not exactly sure how) this process of writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment, taking responsibility, and creating myself as life will save me from the fate of being gone for eternity.

I remember being angry that I had to do this and I placed blame on the others that had walked this process before me and said, "Who are THEY to decide what will be become of me?"  As if, those that have gone before me were the new Gods or gatekeepers of after death existence and would be deciding whether or not I would be allowed to continue depending on my ability to no longer be The Mind, to take responsibility for myself, others, and all that is here, and to place myself  in a role that would assist with bringing about a world that is best.

Currently, I sometimes find that I have also gone into the fear of not making process because I see that I have been fearing not knowing what will be become of me if I don't get this in the one life that I have.  Now, what I see comes up the most often from this fearing is comparison where I have been comparing others processes to my own - what I am doing, what they are doing, what I am not doing, and what they are not doing.  I have said to myself, "Well, if that's as far as they have come, then I am good," or, "oh no, they are pulling ahead of me ... I'm falling behind ..."  I realize that belief I've had about my process is the same belief that I have participated in in-regards to my external world where I have seen life as a competition (and not in a cool way) where I am either the winner or the loser, survival of the fittest, and everyone is replaceable.  It is the same judgments that I have repeated over-and-over-again where I see myself as either good/bad/right/wrong in my mind - and with these judgments I have participated in the same positive and negative energetic reactions depending on whether or not I have seen myself as doing something good or bad and right or wrong.

Over the past couple of months, I have also observed of myself reoccurring thoughts and experiences of being forced to do things.  Forced to work, forced to clean, forced to take care of my responsibilities and commitments, forced to do this, and forced to do that.  In my mind, I have seen almost everything as being forced on me and within this, I have disregarded the fact that I made the decision to do the things that I do on my own as well as the moments that I actually do enjoy what I'm doing.  I have not allowed myself to see this, though - instead I've placed blame and placed responsibility on something or someone outside of myself.  I realize that I have been doing this for most of life which makes it pretty clear why it's automatic now.

Even though my starting point was from fear and I used that point to limit myself to not make process a part of my everyday living, I realize that I can now let that fear go and move on to changing my starting point to a point of daily self-support where I'm no longer waiting for or relying on my external environment to force me to do the things that I must do in my process and instead commit myself to this lifelong process that I have decided for myself and move myself day-to-day and breath-to-breath to do it because the reality is that this process has already improved my quality of living greatly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself that my decision to walk my process is not my choice.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no choice but to write, speak/write self-forgiveness, self-correct myself, and make self-commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine, believe, and hope that self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment and taking responsibility for myself and others will somehow save me from death or if that's not possible, at the very least, save me from not existing in the after-life.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see how it's me and myself as the mind that fears dying and not existing - not me as a physical being.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that it has been my mind walking my process and not me as a physical being.  So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to walk my process for me without question.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for me allowing my mind to walk my process for me and within this, for allowing myself to align myself and go into agreement with my mind in relation to process.  I see that I have been making this mistake for the simple reason that it is easier and now that I see my mistake and I see that it is the same pattern that I have been repeating with other points in my process, I see that I can physically apply myself to change this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at those that have walked this process before me.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame them for my life changing in one moment - where, because of the information that was shared and with the honesty in which it was shared, I could no longer exist in a fantasy world and would now have to work on myself, sort myself out, stand up, and take responsibility for myself and the others immediately around me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to stand up from my initial shock in process and take responsibility for my own decision to start walking this process.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine and believe that others have the power to decide what will become of me after death.  And because of this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place others as an authority of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind, replace one God with another - over-and-over-again in an attempt to place my hope, faith, belief, and trust in another to decide the best fate for me instead of trusting in myself to create my own destiny.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my starting point with walking my process to be fear.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself as a response to that fear rather than moving myself because it's best for me, because I value myself, because I want to do this for myself and because I see potential in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won't make process.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what will become of me if I don't make process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, from a starting point of fear, compare my process to others' processes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel better or worse about myself depending on how I judge myself in relation to other's processes.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have positive or negative thoughts, behaviors, and energetic experiences depending on whether I see myself as 'in the clear' or 'falling behind'.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to tell myself that it is not my choice to walk process by when and as I see myself telling myself that my decision to walk process was not my choice, I stop and breath.  I remind myself that I and I alone made this decision to walk THIS specific process as prior to finding this solution, I found no other way to sort through myself and make changes.

I commit myself to no longer allow the belief that I have no choice but to write/speak self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitment by when and as I see myself considering this belief, I stop and breath.  I realize that I have separated myself from my choice when I have automatically made that choice something that's being forced on me from an outside source.  I remind myself that I am the one that has given myself no choice but to do this process for myself and that me choosing this for myself was actually quite a cool thing for me to do for myself.  So, within this, I commit myself to no longer use my choice to participate in process as a point of separation and instead see this decision to write/speak self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitment as a point of self-trust.

I commit myself to no longer allow my mind to walk my process for me and I commit myself apply myself in my process with daily physical movement.  And when and as I see myself not physically applying myself within my process in a day, I stop and breath.  I question my starting point for not moving myself to support myself and I self-forgive and self-correct excuses, justifications, reasons, beliefs and resistances for why I have not moved myself.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to go into judgement when I make the mistake of allowing my mind to direct my process by reminding myself that I am creating a new way of doing things for myself and that this takes time to integrate - so instead of wasting that time on judgement, I simply continue on as per my self-commitment and continue to forge ahead within my process.

I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to become, suppress, and/or direct blame and anger at anyone outside of myself for my 'life' changing in one moment.  When and as I see the blame and anger coming up in-relation to my participation in process, I stop and breath.  I bring these points of blame and anger back to myself and see where I have not been communicating with myself, where I have been self-dishonest, and where I am not taking responsibility for my process. Within this, I remind myself that I was the one that started asking questions about existence, I was the one that started researching, and I was the one that found the answers to my questions - there was no force outside of myself that pushed me to do this.


Within this agreement with myself, I commit myself to stand up from my initial shock in process, let it go, put my big girl boots on and move on.

I commit myself to removing my imaginations and beliefs about death, the afterlife, and what will become of me when my physical body dies. And within this process, I commit myself to removing my imaginations about a being - here or in the hereafter - that has the authority to determine who/what/where I will be and when and as this imagination comes up, I stop and breath.  I remind myself that I am the one that decides who/what/where I am here and within the principle of 'as above, so below', I will be the one to decide who/what/where I am in the hereafter.  I commit myself to take back my authority and show myself that I can be trusted to make these decisions for myself by physically applying myself to do what is required to be done in my process.

I commit myself to stop comparing myself in process to others in their processes in an energetic way by when and as I see that I am comparing myself in process to where others are in their processes, I stop and breath.  Instead of going into judgement, I observe others processes and look for points that I can apply to my own process or where I can potentially support another within their process when seeing a point that I have walked.

Day 172: Procrastination & Laziness

 

The acts of procrastination and laziness are behaviors that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as for as long as I can remember. When moments come up within my day that I can do chores, take care of a responsibility, work on an assignment, work on a project, and/or do something that requires actual physical application, I say, “I'll do it later”, “I will get to that at a better time”, “I have plenty of time to get this done” or “This can wait, I'd rather be doing something else right now”. Instead of getting done what I can get done in the moment, I decide to lounge on the furniture, play simple games, or pace around the house in waiting and wanting for something interesting to happen. The result of this procrastination and laziness is that my chores, my responsibilities, my assignments, and my projects accumulate and as they accumulate more-and-more-and-more, I experience being overwhelmed, tell myself that what's accumulated is 'too much', it is 'too late', and I give up on some things - especially the projects and tasks that will now take a lot of time and physical labor to get done. When it gets to this point of where it's 'too much' or 'too late' and become overwhelmed, I will go into a depression because I see that there is no hope, no point, and that nothing I can do will make any difference. I would like to be a person that gets things done, that is self-disciplined, and self-willed - which causes conflict within me because who I am and how I am accepting and allowing myself to live are not at all aligned with a self-motivated person that actually lives a life here - to the contrary, I have trapped myself with complacency, lethargy, and waiting around for something more which is not living here but instead in my mind with the past moments that I told myself I'd do later and imagined future-projections where I see myself in my mind with everything done and comfortable with myself and my external environment.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the acts of procrastination and laziness for as long as I can remember - I have seen in my external world many examples of those that are self-disciplined, self-willed, self-motivated and get things done and in my imagination I see how it is possible for me to be this way and yet, I have not physically moved myself to create and be this for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say, “I'll do it later,” “I will get to this at a better time,” “I have plenty of time to get this done,” or “This can wait ... I'd rather be doing something else right now,” when and as moments come up within my day that I can do chores, take care of responsibilities, work on an assignment and/or do something that requires actual physical application and movement. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lounge on the furniture, play games, and/or pace around the house instead of physically moving myself to get things done - I wait around for these things to get done or for a later date when I could get help from a source outside of myself and while I'm waiting, I entertain myself because I am bored while waiting. This makes no sense! Why do I deliberately place myself into situation where I will become bored - Especially when there are so many opportunities to NOT be bored, be productive, and be a contributing member to my family, to those that I work with, and society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my chores, my responsibilities, my assignments, and my projects to accumulate. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and thus experience that the accumulation is 'too much' or 'too late' and then allow myself to give up only because what now needs to be done will require more physical movement than if I had moved myself in the moment to work on and/or get these things done. Here, instead of seeing that this too-muchness and too-lateness is a reaction to a mind-projection where in my mind I take a small point and blow it up into something HUGE - I do not see it for what it is and push myself to move and no longer be mind-controlled, I believe what I am seeing and telling myself within and as my mind. In that moment where I could move myself, I make it quite easy for myself to move away, ignore, and hide from what is required to get done - I mean, if the thought comes up that I 'don't have to do it right now', it makes it REAL right? Obviously NOT given the state of the accumulation that I'm looking at and sorting through. It is interesting how I have never questioned my mind and will believe my mind over and above what I am seeing in actual physical reality - and if I am in agreement with my mind because I am showing myself, as my mind, what I would like to see - what does that tell me about who/what I am?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a mind and physical state of depression after I have told myself time-and-time-again 'it's too much' or 'too late' and have allowed myself to become overwhelmed by accumulation for an extended period of time. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for, access, pull-up, and have an inner-dialogue with myself of, “There is no hope, no point, and there's nothing I can do that will make a difference ...” as an excuse/reason/response that explains to myself why I am not moving myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to apply myself - in any way - to become the self-disciplined and self-willed person that I would like to be. Instead, I allowed myself to go into complacency, lethargy, and waiting around for something more - for something to happen in some sort of future-self-projection that would change me to want to and/or suddenly become self-willed and self-disciplined.

Day 84: What If I Die In My Sleep? - Part 2

Continuing from Day 82: What If I Die In My Sleep?

ART By Andrew Gable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT be honest with myself that a predominant reason that I do not want to die and that I do not want to leave this physical body, MY human body, is that I do not want to share with others what I have. Because I have defined everything in my world as MINE, I do not want to give it up unless it’s on MY TERMS.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself on in regards to death and other Destonian discussion regarding the ‘here-after’ and ‘swapping’, that I fear suffering, I fear pain, I fear losing what I ‘have’, and I fear that when I die, the work is just beginning and thus, there can be no rest for me – not here, not ‘there’, not anywhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my son will have a ‘new mommy’ if I die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my partner will choose a new partner that is better than I am if I die – to add to this fear, I have connected it to the fear that if I die, my partner will choose a new partner that is a better mom than I could have ever been – and within this, I show/tell myself that my partner and my son are ‘happier’ and stable without me so that I can experience sadness, sorrow, depression and self-pity as, “Everyone is better off now that I’m gone.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my partner will choose a new partner that is WORSE than I am if I die – to add to this fear, I have connected to it the fear that if I die, my partner could choose a partner that is abusive to my son, that he may be raised Christian, and/or that he would be forced into the public school system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the positive and negative events within my fear of death/dying in my sleep to additional layers of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my son and/or my partner’s reaction if they were to find me just dead – whether it be in the bed ‘in my sleep’ or on the floor ‘waking up from a heart attack in my sleep’.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my son and my partner will ‘freak out’ and be lost if/when/as they were to find me unexpectedly dead.  In my mind, I see my son crying, alone with my dead body and not knowing what to do – and I see my husband trying to revive me and when he can’t:  holding me, crying, rocking me.  This is some really fucked up imagery that’s mostly been learned via the media/Hollywood and we’ve all bought into it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious and nervous when and as I think about what could happen if I were to die unexpectedly in my sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anxiousness and nervousness when and as I imagine all of the events, situations, and problems that could arise if I were to unexpectedly die in my sleep – What if I shit my pants when I die and others find me in a stinky, shitty, disgusting mess?  What if my son comes in to wake me up in the morning and finds me dead – who would he call, what would he do, would he be traumatized for the rest of his life? What about all the stuff I own? What happens when people start coming into my house and finding all of this unorganized stuff that I did not get to?  What will they think of me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience nervousness and anxiety when I think about dying or dying in my sleep because I don’t know for certain the outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience nervousness and anxiety about dying and dying in my sleep because I see others as separate from me, as being better/superior to me, and/or being ‘super-human’ in that they may transcend shitting themselves when they die when I have not – I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I am communicating to myself here that I, am in-fact, in fear that my body will have the ‘last laugh’/the ‘last word’ – and I do not like this – I must be in complete control, even at the moment of death to ‘avoid embarrassment’.  I am competing with myself in separation where I, as my mind, will not give up on WINNING, even in that last moment of breath and I, as my mind, will make sure that I get what I want from my body – even if I have to abuse my physical body with shame, embarrassment, guilt, remorse, nervousness, and anxiety for every moment for the rest of my ‘life’ here on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience nervousness and anxiety about dying and dying in my sleep because I do not trust my physical body – I have not seen, realized, nor understood that this relationship that I have created of ‘distrust’ with my physical body can be applied to other aspects of my life – to other humans, places, events, etc. – all because I cannot control any of these.  I live in constant polarity of seeing other humans, places, animals, events, nature, etc., as both greater and then, to compensate, lesser than me. Back-and-forth-and-back-and-forth.  Because I have not allowed myself to be/become equal-to/one/amalgamate with my physical body, other humans, places, animals, events, etc., everything that I have allowed to exist outside of me – because I cannot control these things – I have not allowed myself to establish a relationship of trust with any of them.  It’s the BIG FUCK-YOU – where I say, ‘Fine, if you won’t promise to do what I want and do it, fuck you - you no longer exist in my world, you’re dumb, you’re dead weight to me, we are done here.’ Separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to separate and sever all relationships within myself and everything outside of myself in my world when I say, “I Am Done,” and then run-away from the relationships that I have created instead of taking responsibility for them. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience uncomfortableness, anxiety, and nervousness when faced with points within my relationship creations within myself and outside of myself as ‘others’ that I see myself as responsible for – instead of being self-responsible, I run away and try to ignore what I’ve created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety when I do not know how to handle the relationships that I’ve created instead of trusting myself, here as myself, in every moment of breath.  Bringing the point back to my fear of death and fear of dying in my sleep, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety because I do not know how to handle/control anything that happens in the moment and after the moment of death – and because of this one point that makes no common sense, I have separated myself from my physical body rather than trusting myself here as myself in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future of myself dying and dying in my sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘the future’ to ‘fear of dying’/’fear of dying in my sleep’, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear of dying/dying in my sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create expectations of how ‘things might be’ if/when/as I die and/or die in my sleep so that I feel and experience myself as having control over the future, because I fear the future.

More in the next blog.