When I began walking my process a few years ago, my starting point was that I did not have a choice - I saw that I must start writing and must start saying self-forgiveness -- or else. I see that I have participated in a fear that I won't exist after death and participated in the fear that in one moment, I will be gone forever. So, in my mind I see that I have been allowing this hope, faith, and belief that somehow (and I'm not exactly sure how) this process of writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment, taking responsibility, and creating myself as life will save me from the fate of being gone for eternity.
I remember being angry that I had to do this and I placed blame on the others that had walked this process before me and said, "Who are THEY to decide what will be become of me?" As if, those that have gone before me were the new Gods or gatekeepers of after death existence and would be deciding whether or not I would be allowed to continue depending on my ability to no longer be The Mind, to take responsibility for myself, others, and all that is here, and to place myself in a role that would assist with bringing about a world that is best.
Currently, I sometimes find that I have also gone into the fear of not making process because I see that I have been fearing not knowing what will be become of me if I don't get this in the one life that I have. Now, what I see comes up the most often from this fearing is comparison where I have been comparing others processes to my own - what I am doing, what they are doing, what I am not doing, and what they are not doing. I have said to myself, "Well, if that's as far as they have come, then I am good," or, "oh no, they are pulling ahead of me ... I'm falling behind ..." I realize that belief I've had about my process is the same belief that I have participated in in-regards to my external world where I have seen life as a competition (and not in a cool way) where I am either the winner or the loser, survival of the fittest, and everyone is replaceable. It is the same judgments that I have repeated over-and-over-again where I see myself as either good/bad/right/wrong in my mind - and with these judgments I have participated in the same positive and negative energetic reactions depending on whether or not I have seen myself as doing something good or bad and right or wrong.
Over the past couple of months, I have also observed of myself reoccurring thoughts and experiences of being forced to do things. Forced to work, forced to clean, forced to take care of my responsibilities and commitments, forced to do this, and forced to do that. In my mind, I have seen almost everything as being forced on me and within this, I have disregarded the fact that I made the decision to do the things that I do on my own as well as the moments that I actually do enjoy what I'm doing. I have not allowed myself to see this, though - instead I've placed blame and placed responsibility on something or someone outside of myself. I realize that I have been doing this for most of life which makes it pretty clear why it's automatic now.Even though my starting point was from fear and I used that point to limit myself to not make process a part of my everyday living, I realize that I can now let that fear go and move on to changing my starting point to a point of daily self-support where I'm no longer waiting for or relying on my external environment to force me to do the things that I must do in my process and instead commit myself to this lifelong process that I have decided for myself and move myself day-to-day and breath-to-breath to do it because the reality is that this process has already improved my quality of living greatly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself that my decision to walk my process is not my choice.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no choice but to write, speak/write self-forgiveness, self-correct myself, and make self-commitments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine, believe, and hope that self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment and taking responsibility for myself and others will somehow save me from death or if that's not possible, at the very least, save me from not existing in the after-life.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see how it's me and myself as the mind that fears dying and not existing - not me as a physical being. And within this, I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that it has been my mind walking my process and not me as a physical being. So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to walk my process for me without question.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for me allowing my mind to walk my process for me and within this, for allowing myself to align myself and go into agreement with my mind in relation to process. I see that I have been making this mistake for the simple reason that it is easier and now that I see my mistake and I see that it is the same pattern that I have been repeating with other points in my process, I see that I can physically apply myself to change this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at those that have walked this process before me. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame them for my life changing in one moment - where, because of the information that was shared and with the honesty in which it was shared, I could no longer exist in a fantasy world and would now have to work on myself, sort myself out, stand up, and take responsibility for myself and the others immediately around me.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to stand up from my initial shock in process and take responsibility for my own decision to start walking this process.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine and believe that others have the power to decide what will become of me after death. And because of this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place others as an authority of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind, replace one God with another - over-and-over-again in an attempt to place my hope, faith, belief, and trust in another to decide the best fate for me instead of trusting in myself to create my own destiny.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my starting point with walking my process to be fear. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself as a response to that fear rather than moving myself because it's best for me, because I value myself, because I want to do this for myself and because I see potential in myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won't make process. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what will become of me if I don't make process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, from a starting point of fear, compare my process to others' processes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel better or worse about myself depending on how I judge myself in relation to other's processes. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have positive or negative thoughts, behaviors, and energetic experiences depending on whether I see myself as 'in the clear' or 'falling behind'.
I commit myself to no longer allow myself to tell myself that it is not my choice to walk process by when and as I see myself telling myself that my decision to walk process was not my choice, I stop and breath. I remind myself that I and I alone made this decision to walk THIS specific process as prior to finding this solution, I found no other way to sort through myself and make changes.
I commit myself to no longer allow the belief that I have no choice but to write/speak self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitment by when and as I see myself considering this belief, I stop and breath. I realize that I have separated myself from my choice when I have automatically made that choice something that's being forced on me from an outside source. I remind myself that I am the one that has given myself no choice but to do this process for myself and that me choosing this for myself was actually quite a cool thing for me to do for myself. So, within this, I commit myself to no longer use my choice to participate in process as a point of separation and instead see this decision to write/speak self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitment as a point of self-trust.
I commit myself to no longer allow my mind to walk my process for me and I commit myself apply myself in my process with daily physical movement. And when and as I see myself not physically applying myself within my process in a day, I stop and breath. I question my starting point for not moving myself to support myself and I self-forgive and self-correct excuses, justifications, reasons, beliefs and resistances for why I have not moved myself.
I commit myself to no longer allow myself to go into judgement when I make the mistake of allowing my mind to direct my process by reminding myself that I am creating a new way of doing things for myself and that this takes time to integrate - so instead of wasting that time on judgement, I simply continue on as per my self-commitment and continue to forge ahead within my process.
I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to become, suppress, and/or direct blame and anger at anyone outside of myself for my 'life' changing in one moment. When and as I see the blame and anger coming up in-relation to my participation in process, I stop and breath. I bring these points of blame and anger back to myself and see where I have not been communicating with myself, where I have been self-dishonest, and where I am not taking responsibility for my process. Within this, I remind myself that I was the one that started asking questions about existence, I was the one that started researching, and I was the one that found the answers to my questions - there was no force outside of myself that pushed me to do this.
Within this agreement with myself, I commit myself to stand up from my initial shock in process, let it go, put my big girl boots on and move on.
I commit myself to removing my imaginations and beliefs about death, the afterlife, and what will become of me when my physical body dies. And within this process, I commit myself to removing my imaginations about a being - here or in the hereafter - that has the authority to determine who/what/where I will be and when and as this imagination comes up, I stop and breath. I remind myself that I am the one that decides who/what/where I am here and within the principle of 'as above, so below', I will be the one to decide who/what/where I am in the hereafter. I commit myself to take back my authority and show myself that I can be trusted to make these decisions for myself by physically applying myself to do what is required to be done in my process.
I commit myself to stop comparing myself in process to others in their processes in an energetic way by when and as I see that I am comparing myself in process to where others are in their processes, I stop and breath. Instead of going into judgement, I observe others processes and look for points that I can apply to my own process or where I can potentially support another within their process when seeing a point that I have walked.
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