Day 230: Rock Bottom

I have recently had the experience of hitting Rock Bottom.  For me, it was a place of having lost everything - my relationships, a business I have been building, my integrity, and parts of myself as who I had been working on creating myself to be.  There have been many times in my life where I have gotten to where I wanted to give up or not seeing the point of continuing to live but this Rock Bottom place, for me, was different in that what I had been hiding about myself and what I had created and manifested over months accumulated to the point of where I had no way out - the consequence of what I had created was inescapable.

Being at Rock Bottom is a milestone in my life that I will likely never forget - I never want to be in this place again.  However, what I was seeing in the few weeks since being a Rock Bottom is how I have still been in it in a way - where, even though I have been writing, self-reflecting, and getting a massive amount of support, I have been seeing the behaviors, thoughts, and reactions that I haven't been wanting to give up - the very same behaviors, thoughts, and reactions that I have allowed to create and manifest my Rock Bottom which shows me that if I continue to make decisions that compromise my self-integrity and self-awareness that I will likely re-create and manifest this experience again.

Interesting, though, I have found that the temptation is there - to recreate the patterns that I know will lead me back to Rock Bottom, despite my seeing that I never ever want to go back there again.  For me, the temptation is blame and my reasons or justifications for how others are responsible for me making the decisions I have made, easily recalling memories and other evidence that makes it look like others are against me, that I'm in the right, and that I can do/think/say the things that I do because others are in the wrong.  Essentially, with blame, I give myself permission to be any version of myself - whether it's the best version of me or the worst.

Within the awareness that the cure for blame is to 'bring it back to self', self-honesty, and self-responsibility, it has become clear that the solution for not ever going back to Rock Bottom is the same: slowing myself down and looking at the nature of my thoughts, my inner dialogue, the conspiring, assumptions, ideas and my reasons for allowing these things to exist within me.  I realize that my reasons, along with my reactions, must go and that when I have reasons come up or in anyway start arguing something in my mind - that this is a problem for me to take responsibility for and in that moment, instead of going into it, to stop, redirect it back to myself and look at it self-honestly and how it is in-fact me communicating with me about me.

Back to basics.

An unfortunate consequences of getting lost is being in that very strange place of being aware but at the same time, having given up my depth and my ability to process what I am seeing and hearing in one moment.  Now, I understand what it means to not have access to life - before I had seen life as something external, something separate from me, something greater than me, and something profound.   Not the case at all.  I only have access to what I create - a few weeks ago, I had access to Rock Bottom and at this moment, cleaning up from the 'fall' and getting back on track.

Day 174: Is Divorce or Separation Really Necessary?

When my husband and I were considering divorce a couple of years ago, we were in a mental and emotional state of wanting the conflict, turmoil, and disappointments to end.  We had been reacting to each other for many years and within this time, neither one of us were taking responsibility for our own reactions because we believed that we, as individuals, were not at fault for our reactions and that the way that we were experiencing ourselves was a result of the other person's words, actions, and unwillingness to change for the betterment of the relationship.  After an extensive amount of time of living like this and on a day where we directing ourselves from a point of giving up after being angry for several weeks, we decided to consider discussing the possibility of divorce as we believed that this was the only way we could release ourselves from the stress and emotional and mental trauma that would accumulate and explode when we were in the same physical space.  It looked like we were in a loveless relationship that had no potential nor future and that it was time to let each other go, move on, and give each other the opportunity to have a better life.

The following day the topic of divorcing wasn't as prevalent as the day before and as the days progressed we talked less-and-less about divorcing and more-and-more about how we could come to agreements in our relationship/partnership.  For one, it was not practical for us to divorce - we have a child, a home, finances, and other responsibilities together that are intertwined.  So, if we had gone ahead with the divorce at that time it would have been from a point of self-interest and from my perspective, irresponsible because we wouldn't only be creating consequence for ourselves that would be difficult to live with, we would be placing unnecessary conflict, confusion, fear, anxiety, stress and other negative experiences, memories, and emotions onto our child.  Another point that was realized is that because we became less-and-less concerned about divorcing after time that the decision to divorce would have been made from a state of energetic reaction - meaning, responding to the negative experiences that were coming up as a result of our fears, memories, thoughts, emotions, and individual desires rather than the actual reality of our situation which was that were required to make some adjustments to our day-to-day living.


When the energy had diminished, we sat down together and wrote out what each of us physically and mentally required in order to maintain stability in our living.  We found that most of my concerns were focused on responsibilities and chores that weren't getting done and accumulating and that my husband simply wanted to be more together as a family and a couple.  Looking back, I see that it would have been quite ridiculous to have separated and divorced for these reasons.  I mean, all that was required is that we give a little bit of ourselves and our time to each other, our child, our home, and our other responsibilities!

After we wrote out our list of what would assist and support us to remain stable within the relationship, we then allocated who would be taking care of what and how often we would be doing this.  So, it would be my daily responsibility to cook dinner and my husband's daily responsibility to dishes or my husband would give our child a bath and then I would be the one to get our child into bed at night.  For time together as a family, we go out on a Saturday and have mini-adventures where we have lunch, get groceries and/or go somewhere local that we've never been before.  As a couple, we make sure to be together when we're not working outside of home - we watch movies and TV series, we have dinner together, having cool discussions, and other things depending on what we're interested in at the moment.  The point is that we're in the same room and we're doing whatever we're doing TOGETHER!

Since then, our agreement has stood.  Once or twice we have had to go back to our agreement and make a few adjustments depending on work schedules or other changes in our day-to-day living situation which is easy because we've already set time aside together and it only takes a few moments.

A result of this is that there is very little conflict in our relationship/partnership and when points emerge that need to be faced as a couple, it is no problem because we're no longer caught up with anger, dissatisfaction, blame and all of the fear and emotional turmoil that comes with these.  Even better, we're getting into understanding and getting to know each other which is something that we weren't able to do before as we always had to assume what the other personal wanted or needed and because of that, there was a tendency to misinterpret and create a lot of unrealistic expectations.

So for those considering divorce or in the process of divorce, I would suggest to slow down, wait for the energy to pass (and it will), and together write out what it is that each of you wants, needs, and requires in order for you to be satisfied with your daily life together.  Within this, set-aside blame, righteousness, and other mind-created projections and imaginations and look at the facts - the real actual physical things you each require to assist and support you - and from here, decide on a plan of how each of you will commit yourself to getting these things done for yourselves and each other.  Then, move your selves to do it.  You will find that your lives together will become easier and easier and easier and you may even look back one day to where you started and see the unnecessary stress that you placed yourself in and how you can now  'pat yourself on the back' because you've not only improved your relationship with your partner but you've also improved your relationship with yourself.

Day 140: I Need Adderall: Requirement, Addiction, or Justification?

With the assistance, support, education, and the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction I was able to let go my dependence on Adderall and the fear that I could not survive or 'be okay' without it.  In this post, I'm showing how this was done.




Writing

I have defined myself as An Addict – I say, “I Am An Addict”, and in my world this is perfectly acceptable to be An Addict and all that is required for one to gain acceptance is to admit it – and once one as admitted it, it becomes one’s justification for participating in activities that are considered ‘bad’ for oneself. It has been easy for me to be An Addict.

I have defined myself as addicted to several things.  I have often told myself and others that ‘if there’s something to be addicted to, I will be addicted to it’.

I am currently working on my addiction to Adderall and my obsession with this drug consumes me - so I will be focusing specifically on this point.

Every day that I wake up without Adderall, I begin with the thought and expression of myself as, “different day, same crap” – without this drug I experience myself as unsatisfied, unfulfilled, unmotivated, unhappy, and complacent. My general attitude is sarcastically as ‘yay – another day, woopty-doo, I wonder how much weight I’ve gained –today-!’. I do not want to leave my home and I am bored with the tasks that I participate in while being in my home.

I make a decision at several points during my day to not call up and have my prescription for this drug filled at the pharmacy and I do this because of the commitments that I have made to myself as well as to show my self that I can stop this addiction with the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am addicted to Adderall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse and justification that I am addicted to Adderall to not stop taking the drug and when/as I am not taking/consuming the drug, I use this excuse and justification of myself being addicted to think about the drug and think of reasons to start taking the drug again so that I do not end my relationship with/to the drug. I tell myself: I am addicted to Adderall, I need it to be ‘okay’, I can’t stop this addiction, and I need this drug to gain control over my life/my body because my life/my body is out of my control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I Am An Addict and thus, within and as myself telling myself this I act out the part of an addict where I express myself as needing a drug, like Adderall, to make it through my day, my daily tasks, my job, and my over-consumption of food. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attached the Word Addict to the Word Adderall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself and others, “I am addicted to Adderall – I am an addict,” where I tell myself within and as myself that I speak and play-out the part of ‘Admission of Guilt’ that I will not have to take responsibility for my decision to take Adderall, I will not have to change, and I can go back to taking it whenever I like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to Adderall because I told myself that it ‘could happen’ and gave myself permission to form an addiction to the drug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to replace Adderall with Sugar which I am well-aware is of almost equal harm to my physical body as Adderall. Within my walking this process of removing Adderall from life forever, I see that I punish myself with the sugar – I am aware that I feel physically like crap after I eat sugar and that I experience pain and discomfort in my digestive system – and yet, I continue. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand why I punish myself with sugar consumption.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt for abusing my body with Adderall – where a specific, observable indication of my abuse is my teeth that darkened, changed shape, began to break/rot, and became painful. Unfortunately, I never allowed myself to be shamed by the harm I caused my physical body because of the extent of separation I have created with my physical body where I see it as a separate entity for/from me. And thus, because I never allowed myself to be a shamed for what I have done, I have not changed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself because I what I did to my teeth and ignored the problem – angry that I lost a tooth (a body part) and angry because of the amount of money I have had to spend to get my mouth healthy again because of the crippling pain. Within this, I am angry at myself that I had to live through an extensive amount of pain that pretty much had me unable to function before I directed myself to do anything about the problems in my mouth.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that ‘being angry’ at myself changed nothing in my application because I would still take Adderall if I saw a loophole and I would again not take care of my physical body within the justification and excuse that: It’s too expensive, I don’t have time, or I just can’t for whatever reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the consequences of my Adderall abuse – even after I did research on Meth-Salts which are an ingredient in the drug and found that it can be linked to Parkinsons Disease. Because I don’t want to give the drug up and desire the physical/mental/emotional positive effects of the drug, I hurt myself, my physical existence, and the future quality of my physical existence – the future consequences of my actions/decisions are easy to ignore because I tell myself that, “I will be fine,” and that “I’m healthy. I never get sick. I am strong.” And that, “I age slower than others so I have more time to play with.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with ‘having to give up’ my Adderall addiction – where, because I did not want to let this point go, I continue to bring it up over-and-over again in my writing. I blame almost all of my problems on myself stopping taking Adderall – my weight gain, my lack of ‘energy’, my ‘not caring’, my lack of motivation to get up in the morning, my not wanting to participate with others in my world, my not wanting to exercise, my not wanting to leave the house, my not getting big projects done around the house, and my depressed ‘mood’. Because I am blaming my problems on something outside of myself, I am not standing – and as long as I allow it to continue, I will never establish self-acceptance and self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that, “I had to give up Adderall,” as if someone outside of myself was making me do it. When, in fact, it was a direct decision that I made to stop taking it because of the damage it can cause to my physical body, my self-development, and my standing as an example of a responsible, trustworthy human being. I have not seen, realized, nor understood that because I am separating myself from my decision to change, I am not allowing my decision to ‘stick’ because if I allowed myself to stick to my decision, I would change. And I don’t want this – what I want is an easy, ‘for now’ way out instead of the having to face myself.

Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that, “I had to give up Adderall,” for someone/something outside of myself as a means to not take responsibility for myself if I fail because if I decided to start taking Adderall again, I can say to myself, “I did not do this for ME. I did this for THEM. And until I do this for me, there’s no point in bothering to give up this point.” I have not seen nor realized that I have programmed myself to give up on my decisions and my commitments to live a specific way that is best for me because I have accepted this – I have heard it MANY times where we tell one another over-and-over-again, “If you’re doing this for someone else and not yourself, it will never work – you’ll just go right back to it.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself and others, “If you’re doing this for someone else and not yourself, it will never work – you’ll just go right back to it.” I do not see, realize, nor understand when I do this that I am giving myself and others a backdoor out of our commitments and life decisions – For myself, I am making it ‘okay’ for me to fail so that I do not have to experiencing myself negatively within guilt, shame, anger, or the imagined verbal abuse of my inner personalities. I have never allowed myself to embrace my guilt, shame, anger, self-abuse, and the personalities that exists within my mind because I have told myself that it is ‘too painful’ and pain is BAD – and anything BAD must be resisted, ignored, run-away-from.

Yesterday, I found an empty bottle of my Adderall prescription on my jewelry box – it was odd because it looked like it had been ‘placed’ there. I saw the bottle and immediately got excited, “I wonder if there is anything left in there? Did my partner find this and leave it out for me? Am I being tested to see how I will react to seeing the bottle? Does my partner want me to start taking this again – is he in hopes that if I see this bottle that it will trigger me to call up the pharmacy and re-fill it?” I held the bottle ‘lovingly’ in my hands, opened it up, I looked in and then ran my finger around the inside to see if there was a ½ of a pill or maybe some ‘crumbs’ – nothing. I smelled the bottle, and again nothing. I sighed, put the cap back on, and dropped my shoulders – I was a mixture of sad and missing it - I missed the relationship I had with the drug which I connected to a life without the pain, anger, and disappointment of being overweight.

I see that I have associated Adderall with giving me the ONE thing that I have always wanted for myself since I was very young and that is to have a normal-sized body – I was able to achieve this in a matter of months and I was free from a life-long experience of outside judgment, bullying, and non-acceptance. This is something that I have not been able to give myself – I have been on special ‘diets’ ever since I can remember – none of them worked. As I gain weight back, I experience constant fear, physical discomfort as my physical freedom to move diminishes and obviously, I make myself emotional within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look to Adderall to give me something that I have not given myself. I have not been patient and have always wanted immediate results – and within this, I have not allowed myself the time to stabilize myself and my body and instead say to myself, “I will deal with this later, tomorrow, when I get a day-off, or when I get some time.” Which, I never do. So the problem accumulates because I do not give myself the opportunity to change/make changes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotion of ‘Sad’ to lack-of/missing Adderall. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself as longing/wanting/needed/craving Adderall where I allow my relationship with the drug to have power over me and change me mentally, emotionally, and physically in a moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience lacking and a deep void within myself in which I further experience myself as hopeless because of my desire for Adderall. I want to escape the pressure, the stress, and the physical discomfort that I feel in my body and see in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I take Adderall that the experience I have in/as my physical body is more aligned with my physical mind-body – when I am on Adderall I move my physical body extremely fast, I have constant physical reactions through-out my days, I am on High, I perceive myself as having an unlimited amount of energy, I communicate well with other’s as mind-consciousness systems, and I tell myself how good I feel and that this makes me happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a drug to force my physical body to align with my physical-mind-body – Instead of considering and/or allowing myself to work on aligning my physical-mind-body with my physical body where I am moving myself to make change rather than relying on an outside source. Additionally within this, because I never worked at aligning my physical-mind-body to my physical body, I have not tested to see if I could make a change with myself that is lasting – unlike drugs where I need to take them every day or twice a day to maintain my alignment.

Realizations

I see, realize and understand that I am not really addicted to Adderall. I am using the Word Addicted to justify myself wanting, needing, and desiring the drug so that I can have an excuse for myself to start taking the drug again because when/as/if I start taking the drug again, I tell myself that all I have to do to accept myself within my decision is to tell myself and others, “I am not in-control of this. This is stronger than me. It has power to give me something that I am not able to give myself. I need this to be okay.”

I see, realize, and understand that I have been using the Word Addicted to explain an experience of myself within want/need/desire where my want/need/desire is so strong that I tell myself that I may not survive/be stable without it.

I see, realize, and understand that I have connected Adderall to myself experiencing myself positively and because I do not like to experience myself negatively, it is easier to call up, get a prescription, go the pharmacy, fill it, and in the matter of moments, escape that which I see is negative about myself and my living. Via my Journey To Life blog, I have found that this is part of my pattern that locks me into not changing or considering a ‘way out’ so it’s best to stop it.

I see, realize, and understand that Adderall damages my physical body – and even though I am not aware of all the consequences of this abuse at the moment, I have investigated and found that use of amphetamines can cause/lead-to Schizophrenia and Parkinsons Disease. Additionally, I have been told that the drug ‘ages’ the body – and this is something that is definitely not best for myself as I have lots of work to do here before I leave this physical existence.

I see, realize, and understand that I have been using Adderall to give to me what I have not allowed me to give to myself – specifically in regards to the body-size/shape that I am most comfortable. Suggest here for me to continue to investigating this point for myself as I am seeing that the problem may not only be with my food choices and/or the quantity of food that I eat – it is also linked to the amount of stress that I have allowed to accumulate within/as me.

I see, realize, and understand that I have been using Adderall to force my physical body to align with my mind and my systems that I live in – and thus, I see a cool opportunity here to work on aligning my mind and my systems to my physical body.

Self-Correction

 

When and as I see that I am telling myself that I am addicted to Adderall, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that this is me justifying my wanting, needing, and desiring to start taking the drug again and not taking responsibility for the point. Instead of allowing myself to separate myself from my wanting, needing, and desiring to take Adderall, I direct myself to take the opportunity to explore points that I may have missed by breathing, slowing myself down, and investigating the process that led me to wanting/needing/desiring the drug as I see, realize, and understand that I have had a negative experience of myself that I am trying to escape from.

I commit myself to stopping myself from trying to escape from a negative experience of myself with the assistance of Adderall by allowing myself to actually experience the negative of myself so that I can work on understanding my negative experiences – within this, I will stabilize myself with breathing and assist and support myself with writing and self-forgiveness.

When and as I see that I am telling myself that I need Adderall because I have become or may become unstable, I STOP. I BREATH. I see, realize, and understand that I am able to stabilize myself by breathing and that this is better than any drug because it is here with me, it actually keeps me alive, and the effects are lasting and supportive.

I commit myself to question my wants, needs, and desires as I see, realize, and understand that I created these attachments and ‘lack of things’ in my mind. Within this point, I will continue to investigate myself and find out what I am not giving myself/allowing myself to have/punishing myself and why.

When and as I see that I am wanting, desiring, needing, considering, and/or thinking about calling in a prescription for Adderall because I am experiencing myself negatively – I STOP. I see, realize, and understand that I am facing my pattern that I have committed myself to stopping. I do not call, I do not seek out the drug, and I do not accept the drug if it’s offered to me. Instead, I breath until I am stable and then assist and support myself with writing out my negative experience and self-forgiving myself.

I commit myself to stopping myself from automatically telling myself that the only solution to my instability is Adderall – I see, realize, and understand that the solution to my instability is to stabilize myself with breathing – this is not something outside of me, it is something with/in/as me that I will have with me until I die. Instead of looking outside of myself for ways to stabilize myself, I re-direct myself remain here with myself and BREATH – this is ‘faster-acting’, more effective, and last longer than any drug.

When and as I see/hear myself showing/telling myself that I am in great health, that I am untouchable by disease, and that I do not age so it’s ‘okay’ to take Adderall because the reported consequences do not apply to me – I stop. I see, realize, and understand that even though I am not aware of the consequences at this moment, that there may be damage at a level that I cannot see. Also, as I see my world, I see that consequences are happening sooner than later and that it’s best not to get caught up in these consequences IN ADDITION to the daily consequences/tests that I am faced with – to allow this to happen would essentially be me giving up on myself.

When and as I see myself experiencing discomfort with myself within/as my physical body and thus consider Adderall as a possible solution to make myself comfortable – I stop. I remind myself that I do not need a drug to make comfortable. I breath and allow myself to be here with my physical discomforts as I see, realize, and understand that what I am physically experiencing is nothing to be afraid of, I do not have to separate myself from it, and it’s not weird – in-fact, being here with/in/as my physical body is a cool way to see how well I am doing within my process of sorting out and managing my life.

I commit myself to stopping myself from automatically telling myself that there is an easy way out for me – that everything will get easier for me if I call in my prescription for Adderall and that it’s ‘okay’ – I will do this by reminding myself that I have chosen to walk my process here – and yes, it is not easy but a ‘way out’ is self-dishonest and delusional. And from here, I assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction until I have established a point of self-trust.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to place myself in a position of where I could get ‘caught up’ in Adderall again – I do not look for it and I do not accept the drug if it’s offered to me. When and as I struggle with this and/or am in a position of where I could potentially compromise myself on this point, I say, “No,” and remove myself from the temptation. Within this, I continue to work on points that emerge with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction until I am no longer struggling and/or in conflict with myself about saying No to Adderall.

When and as I see that I am attempting to force my physical body to move at the speed/frequency/vibration of my mind and/or my physical world by either considering taking drugs or creating an energy high for myself, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that this is pointless – for one, doing this to my body hasn’t really improved much in my world/my mind and two, going faster creates much more work for me later as it takes a lot more time to stabilize my body/my life than it would if I were to breath and move forward steadily.

I commit myself to aligning myself as my mind to my physical body and stopping myself from forcing my physical body to align with myself as my mind by allowing myself to be here in/as/with my physical body, breathing, and ‘getting toknow’ myself with/in/as my physical body as I see, realize, and understand that it is here in my physical body that I can check myself, test my progress, and/or communicate with myself about points that I must be self-honest with myself about.

Day 135 - Speaking and Acting From A Point of Self-Interest

A point emerged within me today that I did not anticipate and before I took the time to sit down and write out why I felt so strongly, I spoke.  This is something that I have done a lot of and it does not align with my commitment to put a 'guard on my thoughts'. I see myself as justified in moments like this - I tell myself that I must be speak and that I must not be silent because others are counting on me to speak up when I see a problem.  Even though time-and-time again that I do this and the only outcome is me in conflict with myself or others in my world, I keep doing it.


I see that my weakness is me believing myself when I tell myself that others are going to get hurt, disappointed, or be taken advantage of and then I have an energetic reaction of anger and disgust - and from this point, my voice lowers and hardens, my personality changes, and I become forceful.  Instead of slowing myself down, breathing, and allowing myself to see how I am speaking to myself of myself and directing this, I let it fly with the justification, "It must be done.  These people must be informed, helped, or saved from the evil that is about to face them."

The thing is, there's A LOT of people on this planet that are getting hurt, disappointed, and taken advantage of in EVERY moment.  If this were real anger and disgust - it this was really me - this would be my existence in every moment of every breath.  But, it's not - I'm selective about where I direct my anger which is an indicator that I am doing this as not what's best for all but instead from my own self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to: when and as I see myself feeling strongly about a topic, situation, or event in which I am experiencing a compulsion to speak, to stop and place a guard on my thoughts/words - and within this, do not participate and instead write out why I am seeing a problem, why I am reacting, and what I want to say as what I want to say is something that I want to communicate to myself and problem-solve for myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in conflict with myself instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that placing myself in conflict with myself takes a LOT more effort, thought, and energy to create than simply stopping, writing, bringing the points back to myself using the tool of the self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am counting on myself to be able to communicate problems to myself and to responsibly assist and support myself to direct these problems into solutions and rewards.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ignore and/or try to separate myself from my backchat where I tell myself that I am/will be hurt, disappointed, or taken advantage of - where, I try to smooth over the backchat with positive thinking instead of facing the backchat, allowing myself to see where it came from and how it continued to accumulate through time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that when my personality changes that this is a flag-point for me to stop, breath, take a step back, and investigate myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live the Words: You Can Save No One But Yourself.  I have been using the words as a point of abdication of my responsibility to others rather than a point of Self-Support for myself within the realization that when and as I see that I'm 'taking a stand' for benefit of others, that at this stage, I am still taking a standing from a point of self-separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a caring and supportive person based off of my definition of what I experience as energetic emotions, feelings, and thoughts.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I must let go of this definition of myself that I have created into a personality if I am to ever see, realize, understand, and become what a real caring human being is.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be angry, outraged, and disgusted at the fact that almost every other human on this planet exists with disappointment, abuse, and exploitation - and that instead, I pick-and-choose whom I will care enough to allow this anger, outrage, and disgust for.  Within allowing this, I do not see my self-interest as care is actually for a 'special group that I care for'.  Not only is this self-dishonest and not standing as an example of someone who is caring for life equally, it is also really limiting.