Day 205: How I Become Hard and Uncaring - Self-Forgiveness

In this blog I'm writing self-forgiveness for points and realizations that came up about myself during an experience while in an experience of becoming hard and uncaring toward another that was sharing themselves as well as some possible relevant information about the dark side of the entertainment industry and the world -- Day 204: How I Became Hard and Uncaring

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not, in a moment of opportunity to educate myself, see and realize how I am making information look massive, innumerable, too big, or too time consuming to sort.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to process new information in my mind rather than writing out the points that I am seeing and/or are being presented.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be uncomfortable with and thus separate myself from what I am hearing and within this, allow myself to to go into my thoughts with my beliefs, judgments and insecurities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then, when I go into my thoughts with my beliefs, judgments, and insecurities, tell myself that the beliefs, judgments and insecurities coming up are Not Me or are not Who I Am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the fears, thoughts, beliefs, judgments, insecurities, and self-definitions that come up when I am working on something new and/or am in communication with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the emotions and feelings that come up when and as I have gone into reactions.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my emotions and feelings by telling myself that I do not have time or that I will get to it later - instead of directing myself to make a note of it so that I can sort through what's coming up when I do have the time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get lost in denial - where, because when I have been in this denial of the truth of myself and trying to force myself to be someone that I'm not, I have gotten lost in not knowing who I really am or what I could be doing that is best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fears, thoughts, beliefs, judgments, and insecurities onto others - as if they belong to someone else and not to me.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to separate myself from my fears, thoughts, beliefs, judgments and insecurities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to suppress thoughts like, "It's because of them that I am this way, " or, "It's because of them that the world is the way it is," instead of self-forgiving myself when and as these thoughts come up - regardless of whether or not I'm aware they are are bullshit - and take responsibility for them just the same.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remind myself that when I am in my mind and in my thoughts, that I can not hear what's going on outside of me.  And I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that being in my mind and my thoughts is the very same reason why I have not been able to see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry with another and demand in my mind that they must take responsibility for what they have done - rather than taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed, letting go of the anger, and allowing myself to see/hear what another is saying/writing/showing.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize anger as a means to keep myself separate from others and to not allow myself to get to know them, understand them, be gentle with them, and care for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take what was shared and make it personal - and within this taking it personal and wanting it to stop, I went through words, phrases, quotes, beliefs, and self-definitions that I have stored as information and knowledge - not an expression of me, and attempted to express the knowledge and information as Being Who I Am.  Here, I forgot that: when I have been making things personal, reacting, and going into my Ego, that it has been impossible to express myself in a fluid, genuine way.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take the time to write out my childhood history and experiences, my real beliefs about myself, my conflicts with myself and my confusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to beliefs that I must shake things up in the world - that I must agitate things - and within this take prompts from what I can come up with in my mind from past experiences, information, and knowledge and attempt to change things in that way.  I realize that perhaps it works for some but it doesn't work for me.  I also realize realize that I am attempting to be/live out someone else's expression instead of allowing and trusting myself to be/live out my own.