Day 142: SMOKE BREAK!

 

I stopped smoking cigarettes this week.  It is interesting to see how I use smoking as both an escape and a reward.  I've found that I need to keep physically moving and breathing as a way to keep myself from going into my mind and into my imagination where I can create a space to escape from the day-to-day moments of my life.  The reward part is the tough one and is the point throughout my day that will trigger my addiction response.  As I write I am fidgeting in my seat, rocking back and forth, keep looking out the window, and continually having to bring myself back from the 'fuzziness' in my head.  I have spent most of my time this week outside and I started cardio and strength training again.

My decision to stop smoking was because I wanted to.  That's pretty much it.  There's the health factors to consider but those weren't entirely apart of my decision process and instead an incentive.  This is one of those decisions that was made in a moment and that is that - these are my favorite decisions because after the decision is made, all I have to do is physically walk it and make the changes required to make sure that the decision can be lived.

The problem that I have faced is that I used smoking as both quick get-away and a reward for completing almost every task.  So, when I experienced myself as emotional, I'd quickly run out (escape) and have a smoke. Or, after I got the dishes done, I'd go have a smoke.  And now that I'm not smoking, there is no escape and there is no reward - lol.  There's this lingering anticipation that exists within and as me - like, I am expecting at any moment to get a reward and then I remember, "Oh, right.  There is no reward ..."  And so I move and breath.

I have deliberately avoided writing for the last two days because I used to take smoke breaks while I was writing or use the anticipated reward of the cigarette to push myself through finishing a writing.  I have paired smoking with other activities as well so I'm currently working on restructuring - AGAIN.

It is fascinating to see the moments within my day when I would have run out.  It's like I was giving myself 'time-out's from life.  I mean, any little tiny point of reaction and I was outta here for 10 minutes, plus or minus.  I see that it could be the tone of another's voice, a certain expression, or a moment that I'm uncomfortable being in.

So, it's an interesting time in my life right now - all this cool (and not-so-cool) stuff is right here where I can see it and investigate it rather than ignore it, forget about it, or rush through it.

Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Self-Commitment To Speaking Self-Forgiveness

In this blog I will be reviewing my Journey To Life blog entry Day 2: Self-Commitment To Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud.

By Marlen Vargas Del Razo

So when I moved on to this day for review and opened it up, I judged myself in an instant! "Good or bad progress here? BAD." Boom.  Man, it happens fast...

I had a full guilt (GUT) reaction and I immediately flooded my mind with pictures of myself and others that I had stored within me along the way from where I was at that moment of making the self-commitment to where I am now as if to show myself proof -- "See this? Guilty! See that? Guilty! See their disappointment? Guilty, guilty, guilty!"

I took a quick breath in and then have an inner dialogue with myself that's accompanied with a 'blank screen' in my mind, "Oh crap. Oops. Forgot about this one." I winced and then went BACK through my memories again to show myself where I had lived up to my self-commitment and said to myself, "I did pretty good." Then laughed to myself.

This entire process happened within like, 2 seconds.

And I see the lie - it's right freaking here!
"...Oops. Forgot about this one."  When in fact, I have remembered several details of the several times I have not said self-forgiveness out-loud and I remind myself of this fact EACH time I post a blog with self-forgiveness or when I direct myself in moments to speak self-forgiveness from withinside of me.  I am showing myself in vivid detail that I cannot change.  It's cool that I see it but if I've programmed this into me as an automated response that I haven't seen and realizing this, I question myself, "How long has this been going on for and WHY would I do this to myself?" Not so cool.

This is a problem.  The excuses and stuff for not speaking the self-forgiveness, I'm on that - in fact, I've been 'on-it' since I made the self-commitment - and I will walk this as well.  For the moment, let's look at The Big Eye-Opening ...

Problem: I am judging myself - there is no 'innocent until proven guilty' - I see that I am guilty and that I must prove my innocence.  I'm using my self-commitments to show myself that I am really a BAD person that has no potential to change and that I cannot be rehabilitated. And when I do this, I do it FAST, which means that I am not slowing myself down enough to see it coming.  My response to 'cover it up' is almost as quick but not fast enough - as though I hadn't fully automated my Ego to respond to the nastiness that I don't want to have to look at or be held responsible for.  After my Ego has soothed the pain of guilt, I can then laugh it off like it 'never happened', 'Oh silly me ... that's not so bad ... ha-ha-ha'.  I have trapped myself in this triangle and if I do not get myself out, I will never have the opportunity to realize who I am or what I could be without it. 

Solution: To investigate myself and to assist and support myself with writing and self-forgiveness so that I can give myself some clarity and within this, be able to find self-corrections and other preventions.  Work on stopping myself my automated judgement response.

Reward: I will have a better understanding of myself and why I am doing this to myself which is a real cool starting point.

So, in the next entry I will be walking the Solution of Self-Forgiveness.