Saturday, March 21, 2020

Day 232: Free Choice

"I forgive myself that I failed to see that free choice in fact are the test of my character to see what I will choose and whether I will use the excuse of giving others the responsibility to forgive me and in this way remain in my self interest as I am through my own allowances not responsible or able to forgive myself and stop what I participate in to redirect myself to that which would be best for all life."  Creations Journey To Life - Day 1: Self-Forgiveness

Okay, so here sharing where I am at within myself, and my mind in relation to my lack of participation in the blogging and the sharing responsibility part of my process.  I have made commitments to myself to share myself and my process in my blog, specifically, and have not lived up to those commitments.  Why? Free choice.

A large part of my day is me working. I work from home online and am grateful for this - I usually don't have to do the rushing balancing act that most parents have to do, I am available to my family and friends for whatever they need and when they need it, and I get to work in my yoga pants. 

It's great though it is a double-edged sword.  It's not something that I see as an 'easy' job nor a job that I usually experience a satisfaction of my passions within it.  And it's usually busy. 

At the end of the day I often have the experience of being burned-out and mentally melted.  From here, I make dinner for the kids, clean up, read, study, write, maybe watch some TV, see what everyone is up to on Facebook on my phone and chat with friends for a bit before bed. 

The last thing I want to be doing when I am not working is doing anything on my computer.  I realize that I have come to connect my computer and doing things on my computer (like blogging) to the negative, often times stressful experiences that I have had at work.

I also see and am aware of how I have created a relationship of 'this is something I have to do' - more work, more responsibility.  Self-honestly, I know that I have dropped the ball here and have been going into things that I find more enjoyable and fun.  Justifying my decisions by exercising my power of 'free choice'.   And even further, having have the ability to justify or explain my choice as a Destonian walking my process:  But ... but, I have redefined FUN and ENJOYMENT and that's what I'm working on living right now ...

I know what I've been doing, not doing and why.  And it has come to the time where I'm currently standing at the 'y' in the road - do I do this or not? Will I be okay with myself if I don't?

No, I will not be okay with myself if I don't and a really don't want to live with the regret of not doing something that I could have done because I chose to go into self-interest or what 'felt better' instead.

Looking back at where I started and where I have come to be now - one thing I have become for sure is standing as point of Change.  Every day has been a process of facing the things that are uncomfortable for me and forging forward - observing, writing, understanding, self-forgiving, testing, living a 'different way', sharing and supporting with how to change in real-time, here, in what I consider to be the 'real world' in 'real moments' and with 'real people' that I come in 'real physical contact' with.

Desteni is the why and how I have become who and what I am now.  Not even close to being who I was 8-9 years ago when I started walking with this group of people.

I know that most of us, including myself, use these blogs for understanding and support, to break out of perceptions and patterns, to become better and to live or start living our potential.  It's time for me to step up, do the same, and give what I have been given.

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