Day 229: Moving On From What Happened

Moving on from what happened in my relationship is something that I have had the most difficulty with.  There has been this constant, pervasive fear that it will happen again and this belief that I have to be vigilant - like, I will fuck myself if I miss any one detail.  This one event in my relationship and in my life has triggered so many fears and completely changed how I see myself and my fellow human beings.  Trust has become non-existent in my life, my relationships with others and my relationship with myself.

The fears have actually become annoying and frustrating.  I have written them out, done the self-forgiveness, committed myself to change and still, they are here with me.  Along the way, I had this realization that I need to handle my mind fears in the same way that I do the other points that I have been changing in my life: when the fear comes up, don't go into it, and keep repeating this until I get myself out of the habit of going into the thoughts, reactions, and what-if fears.  Being the one to direct and decide for myself how I would handle these things as they came up has been supportive, however, the reactions, the thoughts, and the what-if fears still come.

Looking back, I see that part of the problem is that I have given in during times when I have not been strong and that this vigilance, consistency, and persaviness has been mis-directed externally instead of being vigilant and consistent with pervasive commitment with myself.

Another point is that I have been existing in a belief and physical experience of being stuck as as though I have no choice but to have to go through this and see it to the end.  This belief has brought me to the points of having very little enjoyment in my daily life and perceiving that I am obligated to and/or responsible for others as I have not been considering myself, taking time for myself, and have usually been putting others needs, wants, and desires ahead of my own.  From this emerged something interesting that a friend of mine noticed --  I have been using my assumption of responsbility for others as a way to not face what is really here with me.

Even more interesting is when my friend suggest that I let go and allow others the space to grow - she pointed out that, with my relationship specifically, that we have been holding each other back, that we have become dependent on each other, and have been very miserable as a result of this ... my mind immediately went into imagining a break-up scenerio - I had the experience of panic, worry, fear, what-ifs, sadness, and lonliness.  And I realized just how emotionally attached I am to another - that I have not been seeing things in this relationship clearly as they have become clouded with all of these fears, worries, and anxieties that I have avoided looking at.

So, what to do from here?

I have been working on relationship points for what seems all of my life - it has become clearer and clearer that it's my catalyst in assisting and supporting myself to get to the core of me. No matter how much I have resisted relationships, my mind continues to persist.  I could attempt to separate myself from intimate relationships completely but who I am, either in a relationship or not in a relationship, will still be here with me.  The problems are usually not with relationships or others - the issues have been mostly my emotionally veiled sense of perception.

My plan for myself is to let go.  I commit myself to let go of my fears, worries, anxieties and what-ifs by breathing, stopping myself from suppressing or distracting myself from them with the habit I have formed of putting others first and/or assuming responsibility for others.

I commit myself to assisting and supporting myself to let go of my fears by making a list of what's coming up - even the little fears throughout the day - as I look at my relationships - and from this list, look where else the fears exist in my life outside of the relationship and ask myself questions: What can I learn about myself from this? Where did this come from? What can I do about this? How can I direct this situation?

As I walk this plan for myself, I commit myself to stop allowing emotions to veil what I'm looking at and how I'm looking at it by breathing, reminding myself that I can't look at anything constructively while reacting - that, if I move myself into the emotions that this will trigger the what-ifs which place me back into looping through the pattern.

I commit myself to assist and support myself with stopping myself from going into the temptation of emotions by identifying the emotions and forgiving the emotions.

Day 226: Regret (and other emotions) Supports Me To Change

I commit myself to when and as I see something is not working, to do something about it.

I commit myself to stop making threats - to stop threatening to change things - and to instead move myself to change.

I commit myself to stop myself from prolonging situations that aren't improving nor aligning with the way that is best for me to be living with by when and as I become aware that things aren't working nor in alignment with what's best, I will no longer attempt to reason, justify, explain away, or ignore it.  I will instead sit down with myself, clear myself of reactions, decide on an action that is best, and then move on the decided change.

I commit myself to be my own change and to no longer to anticipate, hope, or expect others to be that change for me.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to become stuck in misery or being miserable by when and as I become miserable, I remind myself to use being miserable as a point of support to change - that the misery is not an acceptable long-term solution and within/as being miserable, I direct myself to explore solutions for myself that I can be satisfied with.

I commit myself to stop going into 'self-sacrifice' as have become aware that this personality and other similar to it, is a farce and an attempt to be something that hides something else about me that I have not wanted to face and change.

I commit myself to stop holding onto memories and times when things are 'okay' or 'good' by reminding myself that if things were actually 'good' or 'okay', they would always that way and would not go to the opposite polarity of being shit.  Additionally, when and as I see myself looking for the 'good times' and telling myself that things are or will be okay, I stop, breath, and look for the point that I am attempting to ignore or suppress and then re-direct myself to face it.

I commit myself to stop myself from allowing my fear of the unknown to influence my decisions by when and as I am in the process of making decisions, I will direct myself to make sure that I am clear on this point - and within this, also to remind myself of the potential within/as the unknown!

I commit myself to stopping fearing regret and fearing the potential that I may regret the decisions that I make.  The reality is that this is not the first nor the last time that I have become regretful - it's a part of me living, making changes, and fine-tuning. With regret, the point for me is to utilize it for my awareness to not repeat the same mistakes and patterns again.

I commit myself to stop fearing change by when and as the fear of change comes up in response to a changing situation or a situation the requires my direction to change, with all of the 'What ifs ...', thoughts, future projections, beliefs, and backchats come up, I stop, breath, self-forgive what's coming up then give myself time to look at the situation in a disciplined way and allow myself to embrace the opportunity to be creative with change and making changes.  I will work with change instead of running from it.

I commit myself to no longer allowing 'What If ...' thoughts to influence, direct and/or control my decisions or things about myself and living that I would like to change.

I commit myself to stopping myself from going into anger and frustration when things aren't going as I would like, hoped, and/or expected by when and as I see that things aren't going as I would have liked, how I would have hoped, or how I had expected, I stop and breath.  I self-forgive the information and emotions coming up and then re-direct myself to take a self-honest look at my self-expectations and what would be cool for me to live - as this is what is really required to be sorted out and worked on.

I commit myself to stopping myself from having temper tantrums by when and as the urge comes up to physically release all of my accumulated anger and frustration, I stop, I breath, I remove myself from the situation, continue to breath and be here until stable.  When and as the energy has dissipated, I self-forgive.  Here, I see, realize, and understand that my starting point with stopping and changing acting out temper tantrums is to NOT DO IT.

I commit myself to changing my responses by when and as I see myself expressing with words and behaviors that aren't cool, I look for what it is that I am attempting to express and for ways that I can express them in way that is not suppressing.  Here I utilize the tools of self-forgiveness and redefining myself.

I commit myself to utilize the moments that I become Miserable or Dissatisfied to look at where I have become miserable and dissatisfied with self and look at what it is that I can change about myself for self-fulfillment and self-satisfaction.

Day 85: What If I Die In My Sleep? - Part 3

Continuing from Day 82: What If I Die In My Sleep? and Day 84: What If I Die In My Sleep? - Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough money.  Bringing this point back to me dying in my sleep, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not have enough money to cover the expenses of myself dying unexpectedly in my sleep – afterall, I had simply planned on going to sleep and waking up after a few hours, I did not plan on dying and so, I did not prepare for my body to be taken care of when I no longer could.  And this takes money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not having enough money’ to fear of dying in my sleep and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear spending money.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear spending money because if I die unexpectedly and I have spent all of my money; there will be no money to fulfill my end of the financial responsibilities – my funeral expenses, my son’s education, my home, my bills, the care of my animals, the disposal of my material possessions – all of these things will become the financial burden of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘spending money’ to fear of dying in my sleep and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my money will be stolen.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that this fear of my money being stolen is equal-to and one with my fear of dying in my sleep in that it is an unexpected event that I cannot control that would place me in a position of having to look to another to assist with/take on the burden of my financial commitments and responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘my money being stolen’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to afford to pay my bills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to afford to pay my funeral bills and/or bills that may accrue after my death that I see myself as responsible for handling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not being able to afford my bills’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will have to compromise myself to make money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not being able to afford my funeral/death bills’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will have to compromise myself to make money so that I can die with a ‘clear conscious’ – because I experience guilt for not having yet placed myself in a financial position where all that I am responsible for here will be taken care of when and as I die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘self-compromise to make money’ and ‘self-compromise to make money to die’ to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing money.  Bringing the point back to dying in my sleep, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I die in my sleep unexpectedly without having a legally documented and signed plan for where my money/possessions/assets will go, that I, as my family, will lose that money that I see as their ‘right’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘losing money’ to fear and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not able to make money.   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not able to make the money required to support my family in the event that I die unexpectedly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not being able to make money’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not being able to make enough money to support my family in the event if I die unexpectedly’ to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I die unexpectedly that my family will lose our home, not have enough food to eat, have no clothes, not be able to support our animals, not have enough money to keep a vehicle on the road, be forced to place Hunter into a mainstream school system, lose/be forced to sell everything that we’ve worked for and be labeled as ‘poor’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘lose our home’, ‘not enough food’, ‘no clothes’, ‘lose animals’, ‘no running vehicle’, ‘Hunter in mainstream school system’, ‘lose/sell all that we have labored for’, and ‘labeled as poor’ to fear.  And thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what may happen in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what may happen in the future if I were to die unexpectedly – I see, realize, and understand that my fear of the future if I were to die unexpectedly is based on past experiences that I expect will occur or might occur again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I have watched others go through during my existence when and as a family member that the other family members count on as income to survive dies unexpectedly – over and over and over again in my world I have seen this – I have seen this in families, I have seen this on TV/movies/media, and I see others outside of myself preparing themselves and their finances in anticipation of this dying unexpectedly in the future point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect my expectations of ‘the future if I were to die unexpectedly’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that fear of the future equals fear of death and fear of self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that in the future my family will have no money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘my family with have no money in the future’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that in the future that I will get old – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that in the future that I will get old and die in my sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘getting old and dying in my sleep in the future’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I cannot change the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘cannot change the future’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.