Day 109: Are YOU A Shame?

I'm pausing from my walking my I Am Curious Character for a moment to take self-responsibility for a point that I was faced with today which was Shame.  When I was presented with a moment that I could experience shame, I put up my self-defenses immediately where instead of facing myself within and as a negative experience I was having with shame, I projected it onto others as being something that they're doing that's not best instead of allowing myself to see it within and as myself as my origin point.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience shame as a negative emotion where when I questioned myself, "Am I doing what's best?" and my answer was, "I could do better," I physically experienced a sinking in my stomach to which I responded to with, "But I tried - it may not have been a perfect effort but I did it when others did not."

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cover-up the negative experience of myself with neutral and positive responses.  Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to further separate myself from Shame by projecting it on to others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how I constantly and continuously exist within and as self-doubt and self-distrust because I do not allow myself to become equal to my mind within and as my companion thoughts: I Am Not Good Enough. I could have done more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the Word Shame with the thoughts: I Am Not Good Enough. I could have done more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the Word Shame to trigger a pattern within and as me where I see myself negatively, have a physical pain reaction with which I invert into myself by suppressing it, smooth over my negative experience with neutral and positive affirmations, and then projecting the experience of myself on to others as a means to further separate myself from the Word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to separate myself from the Word Shame rather than embracing myself within and as Shame so that I am able to bring this piece of myself back to myself where I can take responsibility for the Word, see myself within and as the word, and give myself the opportunity to break myself from my trigger response to the Word so that I can self-correct myself and release myself from the pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject and flee from Shame because I have defined it as 'Bad'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the Word Shame to Bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, attach the Word Shame to anothers expression of anger and disappointment as they looked at me with a disgusted 'look' on their face and said, "You should be a-Shamed of yourself."  And when as the person that should be a-shamed, there was no way that I could see for myself fixing what I had done - it was permanent and could not be changed ever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use Shame as a point of acceptance for my actions and use it to tell myself I can not change, that it is fruitless to change and say within myself, "Why bother?"  Because it will not improve how another sees me.  I did not allow myself to change myself for myself within and as Shame - instead, I used it as an excuse or a backdoor out of my uncomfortable zone.

I forgive myself that I not accepted and allowed myself to see that I flee from Shame because I fear it - I fear being seen negatively - and specifically, I fear angering and disappointing others whom I see as greater than myself.  And because I did not see this, I did not see that Shame threatens my system of survival as I have become a People Pleaser to ensure my survival within the system.

When and as I see myself fleeing from myself within and as Shame, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that there is a point to be faced within myself as Shame that I must be self-honest and equal-to.  I breath, I slow myself, and I investigate my triggers for/of/as the experience of Shame and direct myself to to self-forgive, self-correct, and self-commit so that I can effectively free myself from the pattern.

I commit myself to stopping myself from fleeing from Shame and to instead embrace myself within and as Shame self-honestly with writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitment until I am no longer reacting to the Word Shame and thus triggering a pattern of separation from the experience of Shame.

Day 108: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 7

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Why Must I Know About Everything?

?

In this blog, I will be walking the dimensions of my Curious Character.  To see how I got to here, read  Day 107: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 6,  Day 106: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 5, Day 105: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 4,  Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3, Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2.

Thought Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to activate my Mind Curiosity when and as I think and/or experience myself within the Words, "I Don't Know."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the trigger Words, "I Don't Know," to activate my participation within and as my mind - where, if my mind does not provide me with the answers I need at that moment by presenting me with 'blankness' and/or not enough information, I will then allow myself within and as my mind to direct myself to how I can find the answer in the quickest way possible via my actions in my physical world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as my physical body to be directed by myself as my mind toward the easiest, quickest way to satiate my curiosity and/or find an answer to something that I do not have experience with.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider the consequences as future outcomes of myself physically following my mind curiosity.

Imagination Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider the consequences of my actions/reactions when I become Curious because I tell myself that I do not have to consider the consequences and imagine how 'Only good things will come', "I will be a better, wiser, and more valuable person to others", and no matter what, in the end, I am always 'The Star', 'The Hero', 'The Best', 'The Comedian' and 'The Most'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within and as my imagination, show myself how amazing an experience is going to be and how I am going to be a better person because of it and so nothing bad could happen - it's all good, man!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself according to what I show myself within my imagination is going to be Good for me in the end.  Instead of considering how my decisions and directions effect others, myself, and my future self within and as my self-development, I will act on what ever I see will benefit me only as my self image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that when I act on my imaginations without considering the consequences that I am 'Living In The Now' and 'In the Moment' - instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I am NOT in the Now or the Moment, I am in the future where from within my imagination, I drive myself to get to my desired imagined outcome instead of stopping myself, breathing, and considering the Pros-and-Cons/consequences of what I would like to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I imagine that something 'bad' could happen as a result of my actions, I brush it off and say, "Bah!  It's gonna be fine!  I can handle any negative outflow consequences. I'm tough!"  I see myself as smiling and standing strong.  I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this is NOT true and that I require very little to make myself unstable.

Internal Conversations/Backchat/Voices in the Head

I will write self-forgiveness for my internal conversations and backchat in a private Backchat Diary.

Reaction Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my fear of not knowing with anxiety - and because I do not like this negative emotional experience of myself, I will activate my mind curiosity with which will either present me with answer that I'm looking for or direct me to how I can find out the answer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react positively with excitement and/or elation when and as I have 'pulled-off' my plan of action from a point of curiosity and thus get to see the outcome unfold and/or I obtain the knowledge and information required to satiate my curiosity.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood my starting point within this is that I want to experience myself as smart, doing the right thing, worthy, clever, knowledgeable and bright.

Behavior Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lock myself into a Curious physical expression when and as I participate with Mind Curiosity.  When I pull myself into myself, grab my chin, and pull at my lips, I have not seen that this is not a true expression of myself that it is a learned expression that I picked up from outside of me from those that I interpreted as being 'Curious-Looking'.

In the next blog, I will be walking the Fear Dimension of this character.

Imagination Dimension

Imagination Dimensi

When I was a child I was aware that what I accepted as information and knowledge became me and because I was not in agreement with others in my environment and did not trust them, I would not allow others, to the best of my ability and awareness, to influence or create who I Am -unless- they showed me via combined spoken words and actions that they cared for me and were looking out for what was best for me - these individuals were rare.  So, from a fear survival and fear of loss of self as I developed Who I Am during my childhood phase before I started Thinking, I interacted with and explored my world Physically as what I could prove to be true on my own was what I could trust.

Note:  I was not in agreement with others because their Words did not align with their living.  I could not make sense of this. And it's interesting to look at pictures from when I was a child at this time because the expression on my face was if I was saying, "This does not make sense."  As I got older, I assumed that it would all make sense when I 'grew up' but it never did.

Anyway, the core-source-origin point of my Curiosity was fear of survival and loss of self and when I began Thinking, it became Mind Curiosity. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/#sthash.wwg2V3P1.dpuf

When I was a child I was aware that what I accepted as information and knowledge became me and because I was not in agreement with others in my environment and did not trust them, I would not allow others, to the best of my ability and awareness, to influence or create who I Am -unless- they showed me via combined spoken words and actions that they cared for me and were looking out for what was best for me - these individuals were rare.  So, from a fear survival and fear of loss of self as I developed Who I Am during my childhood phase before I started Thinking, I interacted with and explored my world Physically as what I could prove to be true on my own was what I could trust.

Note:  I was not in agreement with others because their Words did not align with their living.  I could not make sense of this. And it's interesting to look at pictures from when I was a child at this time because the expression on my face was if I was saying, "This does not make sense."  As I got older, I assumed that it would all make sense when I 'grew up' but it never did.

Anyway, the core-source-origin point of my Curiosity was fear of survival and loss of self and when I began Thinking, it became Mind Curiosity. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/#sthash.wwg2V3P1.dpuf

When I was a child I was aware that what I accepted as information and knowledge became me and because I was not in agreement with others in my environment and did not trust them, I would not allow others, to the best of my ability and awareness, to influence or create who I Am -unless- they showed me via combined spoken words and actions that they cared for me and were looking out for what was best for me - these individuals were rare.  So, from a fear survival and fear of loss of self as I developed Who I Am during my childhood phase before I started Thinking, I interacted with and explored my world Physically as what I could prove to be true on my own was what I could trust.

Note:  I was not in agreement with others because their Words did not align with their living.  I could not make sense of this. And it's interesting to look at pictures from when I was a child at this time because the expression on my face was if I was saying, "This does not make sense."  As I got older, I assumed that it would all make sense when I 'grew up' but it never did.

Anyway, the core-source-origin point of my Curiosity was fear of survival and loss of self and when I began Thinking, it became Mind Curiosity. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/#sthash.wwg2V3P1.dpuf

When I was a child I was aware that what I accepted as information and knowledge became me and because I was not in agreement with others in my environment and did not trust them, I would not allow others, to the best of my ability and awareness, to influence or create who I Am -unless- they showed me via combined spoken words and actions that they cared for me and were looking out for what was best for me - these individuals were rare.  So, from a fear survival and fear of loss of self as I developed Who I Am during my childhood phase before I started Thinking, I interacted with and explored my world Physically as what I could prove to be true on my own was what I could trust.

Note:  I was not in agreement with others because their Words did not align with their living.  I could not make sense of this. And it's interesting to look at pictures from when I was a child at this time because the expression on my face was if I was saying, "This does not make sense."  As I got older, I assumed that it would all make sense when I 'grew up' but it never did.

Anyway, the core-source-origin point of my Curiosity was fear of survival and loss of self and when I began Thinking, it became Mind Curiosity. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/#sthash.wwg2V3P1.dpuf

When I was a child I was aware that what I accepted as information and knowledge became me and because I was not in agreement with others in my environment and did not trust them, I would not allow others, to the best of my ability and awareness, to influence or create who I Am -unless- they showed me via combined spoken words and actions that they cared for me and were looking out for what was best for me - these individuals were rare.  So, from a fear survival and fear of loss of self as I developed Who I Am during my childhood phase before I started Thinking, I interacted with and explored my world Physically as what I could prove to be true on my own was what I could trust.

Note:  I was not in agreement with others because their Words did not align with their living.  I could not make sense of this. And it's interesting to look at pictures from when I was a child at this time because the expression on my face was if I was saying, "This does not make sense."  As I got older, I assumed that it would all make sense when I 'grew up' but it never did.

Anyway, the core-source-origin point of my Curiosity was fear of survival and loss of self and when I began Thinking, it became Mind Curiosity. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/#sthash.wwg2V3P1.dpuf

When I was a child I was aware that what I accepted as information and knowledge became me and because I was not in agreement with others in my environment and did not trust them, I would not allow others, to the best of my ability and awareness, to influence or create who I Am -unless- they showed me via combined spoken words and actions that they cared for me and were looking out for what was best for me - these individuals were rare.  So, from a fear survival and fear of loss of self as I developed Who I Am during my childhood phase before I started Thinking, I interacted with and explored my world Physically as what I could prove to be true on my own was what I could trust.

Note:  I was not in agreement with others because their Words did not align with their living.  I could not make sense of this. And it's interesting to look at pictures from when I was a child at this time because the expression on my face was if I was saying, "This does not make sense."  As I got older, I assumed that it would all make sense when I 'grew up' but it never did.

Anyway, the core-source-origin point of my Curiosity was fear of survival and loss of self and when I began Thinking, it became Mind Curiosity. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/#sthash.wwg2V3P1.dpuf

When I was a child I was aware that what I accepted as information and knowledge became me and because I was not in agreement with others in my environment and did not trust them, I would not allow others, to the best of my ability and awareness, to influence or create who I Am -unless- they showed me via combined spoken words and actions that they cared for me and were looking out for what was best for me - these individuals were rare.  So, from a fear survival and fear of loss of self as I developed Who I Am during my childhood phase before I started Thinking, I interacted with and explored my world Physically as what I could prove to be true on my own was what I could trust.

Note:  I was not in agreement with others because their Words did not align with their living.  I could not make sense of this. And it's interesting to look at pictures from when I was a child at this time because the expression on my face was if I was saying, "This does not make sense."  As I got older, I assumed that it would all make sense when I 'grew up' but it never did.

Anyway, the core-source-origin point of my Curiosity was fear of survival and loss of self and when I began Thinking, it became Mind Curiosity. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/#sthash.wwg2V3P1.dpuf

Day 107: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 6

 Why Am I So Curious?

In this blog, I will be walking myself as a Curious character.  To see how I got to here, read Day 106: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 5, Day 105: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 4,  Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3, Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2.

Ooo. What does this button do???

Problem: I Am Curious.  I have been living within and as an expression of Curiosity.  The problem isn't necessarily that I'm curious, the problem is that within myself being curious, I often cause a great deal of trouble within myself and outside of myself as a result of myself not seeing or intentionally ignoring the consequences and possible negative outcomes of my being curious.  When I become curious, I remove common sense and practicality from my processing and I will ignore all warnings and will only hear what I want to hear which is, "Go ahead! Do it.  What's the worst that could happen?"  I do not consider nor care about the effect my actions and decisions have upon others, my physical body, or my environment.  When I act within my curiosity, it is often counter-productive to my self-development.  I have assigned a positive definition to curiosity and it is generally accepted as 'okay' in the world so I have not been motivated to investigate myself within this character, remove my irresponsible expression of curiosity from my living nor suppress it.

Solution: To assist and support myself to not be controlled by my mind Curiosity by walking the dimensions of this Character/Personality with self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitments and thus making myself self-aware and stable within a responsible Physical living of the Word Curiosity.

Reward: Establish self-trust within myself that I will not act on impulse within and as my self-interests, wants and desires and that instead, I will direct myself to explore my physical world, myself, and the beings here with me from a point of responsibility.

Fear Dimension

When I was a child I was aware that what I accepted as information and knowledge became me and because I was not in agreement with others in my environment and did not trust them, I would not allow others, to the best of my ability and awareness, to influence or create who I Am -unless- they showed me via combined spoken words and actions that they cared for me and were looking out for what was best for me - these individuals were rare.  So, from a fear survival and fear of loss of self as I developed Who I Am during my childhood phase before I started Thinking, I interacted with and explored my world Physically as what I could prove to be true on my own was what I could trust.

Note:  I was not in agreement with others because their Words did not align with their living.  I could not make sense of this. And it's interesting to look at pictures from when I was a child at this time because the expression on my face was if I was saying, "This does not make sense."  As I got older, I assumed that it would all make sense when I 'grew up' but it never did. 

Anyway, the core-source-origin point of my Curiosity was fear of survival and loss of self and when I began Thinking, it became Mind Curiosity.

Thought Dimension

The Thought that activates my Curiosity is 'I don't know."  Where if 'I Don't Know" then I go into my Mind Curiosity which then I will test out in the Physical to find an answer as quickly as possible.

Imagination Dimension

When I am directing myself from my mind-curiosity, I imagine only good outcomes where I become a better, wiser, and more valuable person to others.  In my imagination, I am The Hero, The Comedian, The Brightly Shining Star, The Best, and The Most.  With my imagination, I suppress any fears because I Am Invincible!

Internal Conversations/Backchat/Voices in the Head

Recorded in private Backchat Diary.

Reaction Dimension

Negative: When I cannot connect to a specific experience with knowledge and information, I have a negative reaction of Anxiety because I fear being seen as dumb, stupid, naive, and lacking common sense and intelligence.

Positive: When I can connect a  specific experience with knowledge and information, I have a positive reaction of Excitement because I see myself as clever, knowledgeable, important, and bright.

Behavior Dimension

When my Curious Character activates, I lean forward and grasp my chin between my index finger and thumb of my left hand - I pull my arm and bent elbow tight into my body to lock my head in place. I may pull at my bottom lip as I'm thinking about how I'm going to 'pull something off' or a 'plan', my eyes are steady.  When I have decided on the quickest plan to find an answer or to satiate my curiosity/interest, I begin moving reeeeeeally fast from one task to another to accomplish my task as quickly as possible.  I am physically driven, steady, and robotic.

In my next entry, I will begin Self-Forgiveness starting with the Fear Dimension.

Day 106: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 5

Why do I always get myself in trouble??





Continuing here from Day 105: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 4,  Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3, Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2.




I had a moment where I was presented with a decision to do or to not to do something that I 'normally' would not do as a response to the multiple voices within me that say, "Not a good idea."  But I was curious and I wanted to see the outcome of doing something that I normally would not do.  So, like a 'bull in a china shop', I ignored my inner-dialogue and pushed a point because I desired to prove a specific outcome and wanted to see if it was true.

Understand that even though I was participating in a behavior that is something I would not 'normally' do, what was actually happening is that I was participating in a behavioral pattern that I have been repeating since I can remember which is:  I see an opportunity for knowledge and information that I have not experienced first-hand in my physical living, I become curious to see what will happen, I charge forward and do not allow myself to hear what's going on within my mind and within this I do not consider any consequences - nor do I see that 'I have to' because I tell myself that I am pushing forward to discover the truth or the outcome.  I am on a mission that does not consider others nor do I consider myself within and as where/who/what I have directed myself to be.  What I have not seen, time-and-time again is that this curiosity, pushing, and bullying through a point leads to trouble.

The only difference this time within this experience is that I made certain that I remained stable where I would not allow myself to get caught up in mind flooding with judgmental voices from the past and future.  Instead of allowing myself to have an 'oh crap ... what did I do?' moment that spirals out-of-control, I breathed, listened to myself, observed my physical reactions and had an 'ah-ha!' moment.

Within this 'ah-ha' moment, I saw where I told myself, 'That Was Bad' and from this starting point all of the voices of those that I have listened to within their judgments of others descended upon me - where I would tell myself as others personalities what their opinion was on 'what I did'.  It was fascinated to see the extent of the amount of others as pictures, expressions, voices, and personalities I had stored within me to tell me how 'bad/wrong' I am.  And with each personality that I brought forth, I would have a fear reaction to each as, "Oh no, this person is going to react to me and I am probably going to lose them for real this time."

I imagine that if I had not been stable and directed myself to stand within my decision at the time that I would have gone into a full-blown mind-possession where I would beat on myself with these voices, opinions, personalities, and reactions for days or weeks on end until I had a melt-down.

This has been going on within and as me for a very long time.  This whole thing - where my Curiosity from self-interested desires, wants, and needs baits me into a mind possession triggered by the Word, 'Bad'.

"You're bad."
"That's bad."
"I'm bad."

So, I see many problems here that are required for myself to write, self-forgive, and take responsibility for.

Problem: I Am Curious - this is how I live and express myself.  I have assigned a positive meaning to the Word Curious as being fun, cute, inquisitive and mischievous - like a kitty cat.  I have not seen that over-and-over again that my curiosity expression from my point of self-interest leads to an outcome that can in some way, shape, form or another be defined as Bad.  To the Word Bad, I have attached a Fear of Loss - fear of losing others and the relationships that I have defined myself by, within, and as others. 

I do not consider consequence within the decision making process of asking myself, "Am I placing others first and doing what is best for all?" or, "Am I placing myself first, acting on impulse, doing what interests me and/or what benefits me only?"

From my fear of loss of self and my fear of survival, I have internalized the personalities, opinions, and expressions of others so that I can react, in any given moment, as what another 'wants to hear or see' as both a self-defense mechanism and a system of control over what I see as 'Bad/Wrong' about me.

Solution: To focus in on and dissect each of these points with writing and self-forgiveness.  To self-correct and self-commit myself to no longer be influenced by what is 'Bad/Good/Right/Wrong' and my self-interests within my decision-making process and to instead make my decisions based on 'What Is Best For All' and placing myself second.

Reward: A clearer understanding of myself and my responsibility as a co-creator of our world as it currently exists.  Self-trust that I will make decisions based on how my decisions will effect others, my physical body, and my world via my living expression, my Words, and my vote.  Break myself out of a pattern that is counter-productive to my development of Self.

So, in the next blog I will be focusing on my 'I Am Curious' Ego/Personality/Character.

Day 105: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 4

 

Continuing here from Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3, Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2.

I remember being a young person that kept waiting to be shown the goodness that exists within others.  I was aware of myself as being the Bad Kid as I was always in some sort of trouble and because I was the Bad Kid as the kid that stood out as being a Problem amongst the Good Kids and Good People of this world, I looked for the goodness in people as I believed it must be there because it was the Good People that would point out my faults, what was wrong with me, and what I need to do to be 'Good' like them. As I got older, I would ask directly for feedback, observe others, and internalize what was Good or what works in this world so that I could create Good Characters for myself to play-out.

Anyway, because I became a person that quietly studied others and became quite skilled at absorbing their personalities so that I could be a reflection of the Good that I saw in them, people opened up to me and would tell me their secrets - which may have been easier for them to do because I was rarely shocked as my secrets were far more unacceptable, taboo, dark, and morbid in comparison to what I was hearing.  To me, these things I were told were not secrets at all - just good people making mistakes.  Unless someone told me directly, "DO NOT TELL ANYONE," I would share the stories that I was told with others - it was always an 'oh crap' moment when others would react to the stories that I shared with them about others and I would often say, "I shouldn't have said anything.  I didn't realize that was bad."

So through the years, I got myself in a lot of trouble within this point and had to 'bail myself out' time-and-time again.  I learned that there are just some things we don't talk about with others.  Actually, I learned it but I never accepted it because of my belief that humans were innately good and/or had a natural desire to be good.

In all fairness, I have been fortunate to see a raw kind of kindness, gentleness, caring, sharing and compassion in humans who assisted me many times so that I would not fall and I would not 'get lost' amongst the messiness of my living.  And from this I would re-spark my hope, faith, and belief that others had a capacity within them to be able to hear the truth without reacting - and from this point of hope, faith, and seeing that maybe my belief was correct, I would begin to share with another but it would never work out in a way that I anticipated which was to 'share, trust each other with the experiences shared, and move on'.  Instead, in a matter of weeks or months there would be a disagreement and within anger and bitterness what was shared in trust would be used against each other.

To be clear, as tempting as it is to push blame, I cannot do this as what I am showing here is in-fact reactions and behaviors that I have participated in myself as I will show in my self-forgiveness that follows:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, "I can be trusted with all of this persons secrets and everything that they tell me about themselves that they would not share with another.  I will not judge this person.  I am their friend.  I understand them and I would never do anything to hurt them."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself where I attempt to suppress and ignore the negative thoughts within me where I tell myself, "I can not be this persons friend and this person cannot be my friend.  I will probably tell someone about what I'm hearing, I will let it 'slip', or I will use the information against them when and as relationship is ending or I need to defend myself.  I am judging this person - right now - because I do not understand and I do not agree with the decisions that this person has made."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a kind, gentle, caring, sharing, and compassionate human being as this self-dishonest.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that if I were in-fact a kind, gentle, caring, sharing, and compassionate human being that I would BE this in every moment of every breath - this would never change, regardless of any moment that I am experiencing and living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect for others to be something that I am not.  I have created an unreal expectation of others within my definition of a Friend or a Fellow Human Being where I show and tell myself that to be a Friend or a Fellow Human Being, one must be supportive, unconditionally understanding, kind, gentle, caring, sharing, compassionate, and able to give a strong, comforting hug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not only attempt to force others into my imagined idea of a Friend or Fellow Human Being, but to also force myself into this role for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively when and as I hear something about another that I have defined as 'wrong', 'bad', 'taboo', 'something that you just don't do', and/or as something that does not agree with my Moral Code.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act surprised, shocked, and completely taken-aback when and as I hear something about another that does not agree with my Moral system or whatever Moral Code I'm playing within a character at any given moment.  Physically, I widen my eyes and make my expression go blank, hold for a few seconds, then gasp, "Oh my god ... no way!" From here, I participate in gossiping with the group about the details and how messed up the situation is with another that we're talking about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react positively when and as I hear something negative about and gossip about another - first, I become both excited and relieved because the gossip isn't about ME or what I was doing and second, I tell myself, "Phew ... I would never do -that-," which makes me feel better about myself within my own experiences, memories, and secrets.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see the consequence of this reacting, gossiping, and self-dishonesty is: I am participating in and perpetuating a social behavior that takes the power away from one and gives it to the group that sees ourselves as 'better' because we are 'Good' - because of my agreement with this, I am in agreement with this exact same thing happening in our world where we take from the mouths of others to make ourselves more comfortable with ourselves with the justification that 'They are bad and we are good'.  When distracting myself with others processes, I am not facing my own process - I am not here in breath and I am projecting the negative about myself onto others instead of being here and bringing the negative stuff back to myself responsibly.  I am showing myself and others that I cannot be trusted - that I will react and go in for the 'kill' when and if it is within my self-interest to do so - and thus, I miss an opportunity to establish a points of integrity and self-trust with myself.  And, it is dishonest and a great disservice to myself to pretend that I am 'Better' person when I known darned well that what is going on inside of my mind is telling me that I am not this 'Better Person' at all.

Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3

Why do bullying, gossip, and other abuses exist?

This blog is a continuation of self-forgiveness for writings and realizations from Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2.

In addition, I have included my assessment of the Problem, the Solution to be walked, and the Reward for myself as an outcome following through with my Solution.  



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses for the bad that I see in myself, others, and my world. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn-away and ignore the bad that I see in myself, others, and my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself within the statement of 'as above, so below' and 'as within, so without' when considering the relationship between myself and my world.  It is easier to see what's outside of me as separate from me and easier to take responsibility for what I see as outside of me and separate from me rather than seeing myself as a mirror-image.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that it is not only that I have been in agreement with what is here, it is also that everything that is abusive, deviant, spiteful, and directly against our agreed system of Morality exists within me and my mind.  Instead of facing the 'really bad secret stuff' and taking responsibility for it, I try to ignore it, forget it, or make it go away.

Problem: I am trying to suppress, ignore, and forget the experiences of my past which is not possible.  As much as I try, the pain from the reactions to my thoughts and memories persists.  I wish that I lived in a world where we could express our secrets openly to each other and I am greatly disappointed by the fact that we do not allow this - I found out the hard way at a very early age, when after expressing what was going on within my thoughts that was seen as 'bad', that others in my world would use physical force, bullying, threats, and gossip to be certain that I would stop.  And it continues, to this day.  So, to me, part of the problem here is that I must walk my secrets in-private, which anything walked in-private, to me, is a missed opportunity to assist and support another facing the same.

Solution: Bring my point of responsibility back to myself within my disappointment and 'wishes' with self-forgiveness. Assist and support myself with writing out each and every secret that I can remember, no matter how 'wrong' or 'bad' I have defined it to be, for myself in-private, and then use the tools of self-forgiveness and self-correction to release myself and prevent myself from these memories and experiences to have 'power' over me again.

Reward: No more suppression of myself with judgement, guilt, worry, shame, anxiety, fear, and remorse when and as I recall my past and within this, give myself the opportunity to live without the pain of these reactions.

Next: Self-Forgiveness for my disappointment in others not meeting the expectations of my 'wishes' or my picture of The Perfect World With Perfect People.

Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2

Why am I judging myself so harshly??


Here I begin applying the Solution of Self-Forgiveness as self-directed from writings on Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 where I saw the extent of which I am judging myself.

Artwork By Scott Cook

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assess myself as GOOD or BAD based on my review of myself within my self-commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically find reasons within my memories of why I am bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my judgement of myself as being bad with guilt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the experience of guilt to my judgement of myself of bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed with myself for not standing within and as my self-commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the thought and spoken Words of 'I Forgot' to a blank picture or nothingness within my mind.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood the extent of which I have been looking to my mind for visual cues as a means to tell myself how I will react.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I am interpreting the pictures in my mind - just like when I was reading Tarot Cards - and that I have trained myself to interpret the pictures that I see to have specific meanings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the negative experiences/emotions within myself with the physical action of 'wincing' - I have not been aware of myself doing this and why and so I am not certain of when I started doing it.

Definition of Wincing = Wincing is an involuntary grimace or an involuntary slight move away because of pain, discomfort or anticipation of pain or discomfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'involuntarily' grimace or move away because of the pain and discomfort that I am subjecting myself to or are about to subject myself to rather than breathing, investigating why I am causing myself this pain of guilt, and work on stopping it. Instead of standing up and stopping it, I allowed it to go-on-and-on-and-on-and-on for many years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being 'bad', 'dumb', 'naive', 'wrong' and 'not good enough' for not seeing, standing, stopping, and preventing this problem of myself inflicting pain on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and be hard on myself within my realization of myself trying to 'cover-up' my negative experiences of myself with good experiences of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'bad', 'stupid', 'slow', and 'too caught up in myself' to notice where I am being dishonest with myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see:  I am lying to myself because I fear the badness in me and I fear others finding out about the badness in me and so I try to hide the 'badness' with what I tell myself that others will see as 'good' - the goodness of me. So I judge myself to keep myself 'in-check' and suppress myself with guilt, remorse, and disappointment to make certain that no one else ever sees the thoughts, memories, and pictures in my mind.  Because as hard as a try to make myself forget - I can't - all of my mistakes and all of the things that I have seen, done, spoke, and thought keeps coming back.

For many years prior to starting my self-forgiveness process, I was convinced that I was haunted and that a demon or an evil spirit was following me throughout my life and torturing me with this ringing in my ears, strange experiences, and whispers just beyond what I could hear.  I was certain that this evil presence could harm me and my family so I would 'ward it off' by surrounding myself and my family with the White-Blue Light and saying the Lords Prayer.

I was terrified and existed in absolute fear of what might happen at night when the lights were turned off or when I was alone during the day.

Interesting, huh?

Up next: More Self-Forgiveness!

Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Self-Commitment To Speaking Self-Forgiveness

In this blog I will be reviewing my Journey To Life blog entry Day 2: Self-Commitment To Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud.

By Marlen Vargas Del Razo

So when I moved on to this day for review and opened it up, I judged myself in an instant! "Good or bad progress here? BAD." Boom.  Man, it happens fast...

I had a full guilt (GUT) reaction and I immediately flooded my mind with pictures of myself and others that I had stored within me along the way from where I was at that moment of making the self-commitment to where I am now as if to show myself proof -- "See this? Guilty! See that? Guilty! See their disappointment? Guilty, guilty, guilty!"

I took a quick breath in and then have an inner dialogue with myself that's accompanied with a 'blank screen' in my mind, "Oh crap. Oops. Forgot about this one." I winced and then went BACK through my memories again to show myself where I had lived up to my self-commitment and said to myself, "I did pretty good." Then laughed to myself.

This entire process happened within like, 2 seconds.

And I see the lie - it's right freaking here!
"...Oops. Forgot about this one."  When in fact, I have remembered several details of the several times I have not said self-forgiveness out-loud and I remind myself of this fact EACH time I post a blog with self-forgiveness or when I direct myself in moments to speak self-forgiveness from withinside of me.  I am showing myself in vivid detail that I cannot change.  It's cool that I see it but if I've programmed this into me as an automated response that I haven't seen and realizing this, I question myself, "How long has this been going on for and WHY would I do this to myself?" Not so cool.

This is a problem.  The excuses and stuff for not speaking the self-forgiveness, I'm on that - in fact, I've been 'on-it' since I made the self-commitment - and I will walk this as well.  For the moment, let's look at The Big Eye-Opening ...

Problem: I am judging myself - there is no 'innocent until proven guilty' - I see that I am guilty and that I must prove my innocence.  I'm using my self-commitments to show myself that I am really a BAD person that has no potential to change and that I cannot be rehabilitated. And when I do this, I do it FAST, which means that I am not slowing myself down enough to see it coming.  My response to 'cover it up' is almost as quick but not fast enough - as though I hadn't fully automated my Ego to respond to the nastiness that I don't want to have to look at or be held responsible for.  After my Ego has soothed the pain of guilt, I can then laugh it off like it 'never happened', 'Oh silly me ... that's not so bad ... ha-ha-ha'.  I have trapped myself in this triangle and if I do not get myself out, I will never have the opportunity to realize who I am or what I could be without it. 

Solution: To investigate myself and to assist and support myself with writing and self-forgiveness so that I can give myself some clarity and within this, be able to find self-corrections and other preventions.  Work on stopping myself my automated judgement response.

Reward: I will have a better understanding of myself and why I am doing this to myself which is a real cool starting point.

So, in the next entry I will be walking the Solution of Self-Forgiveness.

Day 101: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 14

Continuing here with Self-Commitments for my Journey To Life Review - Day 1.
For other posts within my Journey To Life Review - Day 1, see:

Day 100: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 13
Day 99: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 12
Day 98: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 11
Day 97: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 10
Day 96: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 9
Day 95: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 8
Day 94: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 7
Day 93: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 6
Day 92: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 5
Day 91: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 4
Day 90: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 3
Day 89: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 2
Day 88: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 1









I commit myself to not longer allow myself to be 'Just a Kid' and to instead become and be a mature, responsible human being with integrity.




I commit myself to no longer hide from my mistakes or hide behind others to avoid changing within my mistakes by standing, facing my mistakes, and making decisions to change.

I commit myself to equalize fun-time with work-time by giving each equal value.

I commit myself to stopping myself from attempting to hide and/or shut down when faced with a decision.  I no longer accept and allow myself to direct myself within, 'This is too much for me.  WHY do I have to do this? Why must I make a decision.  I am not equipped to deal with this.' by standing up, taking points on, using the tools of self-forgiveness and self correction, and getting support when I get into a problem that I am struggling to come up with a solution for.

I commit myself to removing the thought traps I've created for myself that lead me into playing out a character that does not value my life or any others by using the tools of self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment, and self-application.

I commit myself to stopping myself from requiring others to remind me of the tasks that I need to complete by either completing a task in the moment or writing it down on my notepad for myself to direct myself to complete later. I commit myself to finishing the tasks on my notepad daily or as soon as possible.

I commit myself to stop myself from seeing myself as small, helpless, and/or having no voice nor significance - as I see, realize and understand that this is not me - that is a version of me that I have created from fear and is not real.  I commit myself to remove these illusions of myself within my previous commitments to remove my fears using the tools of writing and self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to stopping myself from re-living my past within and as my mind instead of being here by walking my path within and as my direction so that I can understand myself, release myself from reactions, and no longer take imaginary roller-coaster rides through twists-and-turns and ups-and-downs that I cannot change.  Instead, I bring my awareness here where I can change.

I commit myself to stopping myself from getting caught up in positive reactions because 'it feels good' and to put my positive reactions through the same process as negative reactions with self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment, and self-application.

I commit myself to stopping myself from beating myself down with Guilt when and as I make a mistake in my self-commitments, self-application, and decisions.  I walk myself to the point where the Guilt is coming from and I self-forgive and make adjustments to my application. Additionally, I will be gentle with myself.

This is the end of my self-commitments for the moment within my Journey To Life Review - Day 1, and thus from here I will move on to review Day 2.

Day 100: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 13

Continuing here with Self-Commitments.
For other posts within my Journey To Life Review - Day 1, see:


Day 99: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 12
Day 98: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 11
Day 97: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 10
Day 96: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 9
Day 95: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 8
Day 94: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 7
Day 93: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 6
Day 92: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 5
Day 91: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 4
Day 90: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 3
Day 89: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 2
Day 88: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 1

I commit myself to stopping feeding my fears and 'believing what I hear' from outside information that I have not investigated for myself. When and as I am presented with an opinion or belief that I am not familiar with, I no longer allow myself to integrate this information into/as myself and instead move myself to investigate what I am hearing and from there, decide if I am in agreement or not in agreement.

I commit myself to standing up for myself and stopping myself from allowing another to stand up for me, make my decisions, and direct me in my daily movement when and as I am able to do so on my own.

I commit myself to no longer accept nor allow another to face and/or clean up the messes of my consequences for me.

I commit myself to stopping myself from getting caught up in my own self-interests and ignoring the nastiness in this world - and thus I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing myself to believe things like guns, greed, violence, abuse, poverty, and war are necessary evils in our world and simply the 'Nature of Things' and that 'someone else will take care of it if it gets out of control' - an instead, stand up and do what I am able to assist and support my world and the others in my world to change these things that are NOT supposed to be here.

I commit myself to stopping myself as using my world, the state of my world, and the 'dangerous, untrustworthy' beings in it as an excuse to not stand up, live my Words, and be a participant in creating a world that is worthy for each other, our children, and all other life on this planet

I commit myself to stopping myself from telling myself that 'I Am Irresponsible' as this is not true and another excuse that I've used and allowed myself to define myself as so that I can have a back-door out of my Word. As I live as my commitments, this definition of myself cannot exist.

I commit myself to stopping myself from telling and showing myself that I do not deserve a better quality of living by, when and as I see that I am punishing myself within and as my secret mind, I investigate my life and where I programmed myself to tell, show, and believe these things.

Day 99: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 12

Continuing here with Self-Commitments.
For other posts within my Journey To Life Review - Day 1, see:

Day 98: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 11

Day 97: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 10 

Day 96: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 9
Day 95: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 8
Day 94: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 7
Day 93: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 6
Day 92: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 5

Day 91: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 4

Day 90: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 3

Day 89: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 2

Day 88: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 1

I commit myself to stopping myself from placing unreal expectations on others within the realization that the consequence of myself projecting my ideal relationship on to another is myself experiencing emotional reactions such as disappointment, grief, frustration, and doubt.  Additionally within my process I have come to understand that within this projecting my desires onto others that I am timelooping as I have been doing this for most of my existence and nothing has improved or matched my imagination.  Within this, I commit myself to (for)giving myself what it is that I am looking to separate from myself and project on to others.  I bring it back to myself.

I commit myself to stop attempting to walk others processes for them by bringing the points back to myself, working with what I am given, and not taking what I experience with others as personal. When points emerge that I have walked and am clear within,  I will assist and support others with these points - as I have been assisted and supported.  And I will remind myself the only person one can change is oneself.

I commit myself to stopping myself from believing the thought, "This is impossible.  Nothing is going to change," by not allowing myself to follow the thought nor give the thought any validity with 'proof', 'reasons', and/or 'assumptions' that make it true/real for myself.  Instead, I assist and support myself with writing and self-forgiveness to understand what is behind the excuses like, 'This is impossible," and within this commit myself to shutting those back-doors out.

I commit myself to stopping myself from fighting for my 'individuality' by assisting and supporting myself with writing, self-forgiving, and self-correcting my 'I Am' thoughts and internal statements.

I commit myself no longer allow myself to fear 'being committed' to a mental institution as I have come to understand that those that are committed to mental institutions are a threat to life and as long I continue to walk my process, follow through on my self-commitments, and stand up when faced with consequence of what I have accepted and allowed as a responsible, dedicated human being with integrity than this fear cannot be a reality for me.

Additionally, I commit myself to releasing myself from such fears as 'being committed' as I see, realize, and understand that it is my acceptance and allowance of these fears is how I make it possible for myself to become 'crazy', 'out-of-control', unstable, and possessed - within this commitment, I will use the tools of writing and self-forgiveness to assist and support myself to release these fears.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to use my fears as an excuse to not stand up, change, and take responsibility for myself and my world.  When and as I am faced with my fears, I breath through my fears, I stand up, and do what must be done.

I commit myself to stopping myself from accepting and allowing myself to move myself into the past and future with and as my fears as I see, realize, and understand that this is myself as my mind directing me from here and breathing.  When and as I see myself moving forward and backward in Time to flee from an experience of myself, I stop, I breath and I bring myself back to here and investigate the negative experience of myself within my memories that I'm running from and/or suppressing and I apply self-forgiveness as this will assist and support me to actually change.

I commit myself to stop 'humoring myself' as a reaction to my fears where I will tell myself that I am 'funny' or 'quirky' to 'save face' for myself instead of standing up and facing my fears.

Many more self-commitments to follow.

Day 98: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 11

 

Here I am continuing with Self-Correction and Self-Commitments started on Day 97: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 10.

When and as I see that I am attempting to ignore, avoid, get out of, and/or distract myself from living up to my commitments, responsibilities and tasks that I have agreed to as indicated by myself telling myself: "I do not have to apply myself all of the time.", "I have walked this point and lived it enough already.", "This doesn't apply to me anymore so I can do what I want now.", "I have transcended this point.", and/or "This is just too risky for me to give up - I need this about me to make it in this world." - I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that this is me giving myself reasons and excuses not change and instead of allowing myself to agree to the voice because it is what I want to hear, I remind myself of my commitment, I remind myself why I made this commitment, I remind myself of the consequences if I do not live up to my commitment and I live my words and do what I said I was going to do.

I commit myself to not allow myself to be directed by my inner-voice that I use to sneak away from my commitments, responsibility, and tasks by directing myself to stick to the decision I have made to stand for/as/of/within what I said I was going to do.

When and as I hear myself saying within and without that, "I have never committed to anything in my entire life.", I do not allow myself to agree with this statement and thus do not allow myself within not agreeing with this statement to recall memories and experiences of myself to confirm that this statement is true/real.   I see, realize, and understand that my memories and my experiences of myself are tools that I am required to work with so when they come up unexpectedly, I investigate them but do not allow myself to be directed by them - instead, I move myself to direct myself through and as my memories so that I may understand myself, why I am the way that I am, and release myself from the reactions associated with the memories and experiences.

I commit myself to stopping myself from being a person that has 'never committed to anything in life' by first, seeing, realizing, and understanding that I accepted and allowed this definition of myself - I created it - second, not accepting and allowing it as a definition of myself by stopping the excuse in it's tracks and re-tracing to the original memories, experiences, and thoughts that I had where I did not want to face myself.

I will continue with self-correction and self-commitments.

Day 97: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 10

How do I change from being Just A Kid to a mature, stable and responsible human being? 

To see how I have gotten here, read:


Day 96: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 9
Day 95: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 8
Day 94: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 7
Day 93: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 6
and Day 92: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 5

Sleep of reason brings monsters (2005) by Andrew Gable

The Problem: I have made the decision to change and within this decision have made several self-commitments to myself.  Some of the self-commitments may have not been practical or when I made these self-commitments I was basing them off what others saw as best for themselves without investigating the points self-honestly for myself.  The greater percentage of the self-commitments that I have made ARE practical and livable, however, I have not actually committed myself to many of these decisions and spoken/written word to change within my definition of the word Commitment which is 'do what you say you're going to do'.  As shown in Day 96: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 9 , the consequence of this equals to a pattern of emotional turmoil which is not best for myself or others.

The Solution: When and as I make a self-commitment to myself to change, I Do What I Say I Am Going To Do within the specificity that I have stated. If I state that I am not eating sugar for 21 days where 'eating sugar' means that I do not consume any products that have sugar listed in the ingredients, then I do not consume any food that has sugar listed in the ingredients for 21 days.  Within my commitment to myself, I do not allow excuses nor argue for my limitations - I do it until it is done.

The Reward: Seeing myself, for the first time ever, as a person that I want to be which is mature, direct, stable, and responsible.  And in-fact, living this as me for real - not just in some imaginary dimension in my mind.

Self-Correction and Self-Commitments for my Journey To Life Review - Day 1

When and as I see that I am connecting the words Commitment, Failure, and/or Consequence' to fear as indicated by myself having a fear reaction in my solar-plexus when as I see, speak, or hear the Words Commitment, Failure, and/or Consequence, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that this is a moment of opportunity to open a point that I may have missed or suppressed so within this,  I bring myself back to here and then direct myself with a review my minds thoughts and reactions previous to my physical reaction to pin-point what triggered the fear response.

I commit myself to stopping my fears from controlling, moving, and directing me and instead control, move, and direct my fears as a method of investigating myself with the assistance of my mind and physical body to pin-point what is causing a fear reaction within and as me. 

When and as I see that I am telling myself that 'I fear that I will disappoint, let myself down, or go back to the way that I was', I stop.  I breath.  I see, realize and understand that this statement of myself makes no sense, is not real, and is a back-door excuse for a moment that I did not want to do something - because as long as I am living my commitments then fear that I will disappoint myself, let myself down, or go back to the way that I was, does not exist.

I commit myself to stopping myself from telling myself, taking the bait, and then reacting to 'I might fail, that I might disappointment myself, that I might let myself down, and that I might go back to the way that I was' by standing within/for/as my self-commitments.  Within this, I commit myself to stopping myself from allowing myself to consider these back-door-out excuses by seeing, realizing, and understanding that allowing these will only lead to the consequence of inner-conflict.

When and as I see that I am imagining that 'consequence is out to get me', I laugh. I see, realize, and understand that consequence is a product of me and my living - I created it - it is not a separate entity from me and thus I must bring it back to myself and see where my application requires support, assistance and/or fine-tuning.  Instead of fleeing from the Big Scarey Consequence Monster when and as it comes, I re-direct myself to breath through my experience, stand, and assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction within the realization that moments to see myself self-honestly are gift and not a curse.

I commit myself to, when and as facing consequence, to breath, stand, and assist and support myself with the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction so that I can flag-point and address areas of my living that I have not been effective as per my decision to change.

More to come in the next entry.

Day 96: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 9

What are the consequences of allowing oneself to exist as a child within one's mind where one says, "I'm just a Kid At Heart.  I will never grow up ... " ??  Read here and find out.

For additional dimensions within the exploration of this topic, refer to:

Day 95: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 8
Day 94: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 7
Day 93: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 6
and Day 92: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 5



The Problem: The consequences of my acting out my Just A Kid character are that I never gave myself the opportunity to stand - when things get tough I experience turmoil, I rely on others to take care of me, I need someone outside of myself to confirm my experiences as 'special', I look to others for praise and I battle inside of me with these things because I judge myself as a result of me separating myself from this and defining myself as a strong, secure, and stable person.

When the truth is, I have been arguing for my limitations all along.  As this, I can find an excuse for myself in every moment for me not standing, not living my self-commitments, not sticking to my decisions, not taking control of my living, and not changing.

The Solution: See, realize and understand that when I do not live a practical self-commitment that I am being dishonest with myself as I formulate excuses - and within this seeing, realizing, and understanding, I direct myself within these moments when I am arguing for my limitations to instead self-forgive myself for accepting and allowing these excuses to exist within and as me and then re-direct myself to complete what I have set out to do and/or what must be done.

The Reward: I will see change in myself and my living as I will no longer be participating in a fight within myself and thus actually getting done for myself what I set out to do.  As I see that I can be trusted with what is important to me, I will establish self-trust.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the consequences of me acting out my Just A Kid character - I have created a life that is filled with chaos, mental and emotional turmoil, instability, and break-downs because I have continually, over-and-over again argued for my limitations as I tell myself that I Am Just A Kid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself NOT to see that me not standing is me not 'doing what I said I would do' within and as my re-definition of Commitment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require another outside of myself to confirm, feed, and comfort my limitations so that I can make them real and thus continue within the pattern and not change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself negatively within Guilt for not living up to my self-commitments - instead of standing as myself within the commitments that I have made for myself and making self-directed decisions in breath, I compare myself to others, judge myself, and from here, become guilty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself positively within my Escapism and separation when and as I am within this guilt.  Instead of facing the guilt, I flee from it and within this, perpetuate consequences.

Next up: Self-Commitment Statements for my Journey To Life Review - Day 1 processes.