Day 184: The Gift of Reaction

Recently, someone said to me, "You're always trying to make it look like I'm not doing my job," and, "You're always so rude towards me."  I found that I took these statements as quite a hard blow because in my mind, I have this idea of myself as being a supportive and responsible person and in-relation to this specific person, I have given them care, I have sacrificed my time, I have provided them financial stability, and I have assisted them with work and social related skills.

I reacted to what they were saying about me because there was something that was being said about me that I did not want to face and be honest with myself about out which was that there were many times when I had been rude to this person and there were certainly times within my thoughts, my backchat, and my actions, where I had attempted to make it look like this person was not doing their job - where, I created a believable story in my mind of how this person is ineffective, unmotivated and distracted and a result of that, this person only does their work half-way or not at all.

Because I allowed this judgmental story of the other person to exist within and as me and did not direct the point to self-forgiveness and self-correction, I allowed myself to see myself as justified for being rude or would tell myself that I wasn't actually being rude and that I was being supportive which covered up the fact that I was handling another in a way that I would not like to be handled myself. And this is why I reacted because I was being held accountable for my thoughts, words, and deeds as well as, at the same time, being shown where I could change myself and improve upon how I communicate, share, and support others.

So, looking at it self-honestly, I am aware that I must change this point, otherwise, I am going to continue to be influenced by it each and every time that it comes up in my day-to-day living.  And the only way to change it is to stop allowing myself to go into my thoughts and backchats in regards to what others are doing and instead focus on my own participation and process and really get into perfecting how I am doing things and make sure that I am living up to my own expectations, my own guidelines, and my own principles.

During the time that this point opened up, I was working a lot of hours at work and so my solution for sorting out where I was not standing was to speak the self-forgiveness and self-correction during my 30 minute commute in the car to work.  This is where I saw that the other person - the one who said that I was rude and making it seem as though they weren't doing their job - was actually doing quite an effective job of supporting my self-awareness, self-honesty, self-responsibility and self-correction.  They did all the work for me and all that was required is that I open it up, take a look, be humble, embrace it, and be grateful for the gift of myself and the opportunity to change, to RE-ACT something about myself that is out of alignment.

Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3

Why do bullying, gossip, and other abuses exist?

This blog is a continuation of self-forgiveness for writings and realizations from Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2.

In addition, I have included my assessment of the Problem, the Solution to be walked, and the Reward for myself as an outcome following through with my Solution.  



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses for the bad that I see in myself, others, and my world. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn-away and ignore the bad that I see in myself, others, and my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself within the statement of 'as above, so below' and 'as within, so without' when considering the relationship between myself and my world.  It is easier to see what's outside of me as separate from me and easier to take responsibility for what I see as outside of me and separate from me rather than seeing myself as a mirror-image.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that it is not only that I have been in agreement with what is here, it is also that everything that is abusive, deviant, spiteful, and directly against our agreed system of Morality exists within me and my mind.  Instead of facing the 'really bad secret stuff' and taking responsibility for it, I try to ignore it, forget it, or make it go away.

Problem: I am trying to suppress, ignore, and forget the experiences of my past which is not possible.  As much as I try, the pain from the reactions to my thoughts and memories persists.  I wish that I lived in a world where we could express our secrets openly to each other and I am greatly disappointed by the fact that we do not allow this - I found out the hard way at a very early age, when after expressing what was going on within my thoughts that was seen as 'bad', that others in my world would use physical force, bullying, threats, and gossip to be certain that I would stop.  And it continues, to this day.  So, to me, part of the problem here is that I must walk my secrets in-private, which anything walked in-private, to me, is a missed opportunity to assist and support another facing the same.

Solution: Bring my point of responsibility back to myself within my disappointment and 'wishes' with self-forgiveness. Assist and support myself with writing out each and every secret that I can remember, no matter how 'wrong' or 'bad' I have defined it to be, for myself in-private, and then use the tools of self-forgiveness and self-correction to release myself and prevent myself from these memories and experiences to have 'power' over me again.

Reward: No more suppression of myself with judgement, guilt, worry, shame, anxiety, fear, and remorse when and as I recall my past and within this, give myself the opportunity to live without the pain of these reactions.

Next: Self-Forgiveness for my disappointment in others not meeting the expectations of my 'wishes' or my picture of The Perfect World With Perfect People.