Day 116: How Do I React To Stressful Events?

Traumatic Events and Stresses
How do I react to stressful events?
 
In the is blog series, I will be writing about Traumatic Events and Stress, how I reacted to these events, what my energy experience was, how I made myself feel in my Mind, how I changed as a result, and how I can change now to no longer accept and allow the past to determine who I am.

This post is a continuation from Day 115: How Am I Currently Living With and Directing Stress?


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear of what each day will bring and in-fear of the unknown events and experiences that could happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience moments of panic, terror, and/or anxiety within me whenever I am faced with a problem, situation, event, or conflict that I am not familiar with and/or have not faced before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to make the wrong decision and/or the wrong 'thing'/action that will 'mess everything up' beyond repair.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I do not always have to come up with solutions to problems on my own and that there are others outside of myself that may have supportive suggestions/perspectives, experience, and/or practical solutions that can assist me with what I'm seeing as a problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I must be strong - where, my definition of a 'strong person' is one that can stand on their own feet without the assistance and support of others.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a 'weak person' as one who relies on others because the weak cannot make decisions and/or problem-solve on their own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in constant conflict with myself where I tell myself that I must be strong while what I am actually feeling in my mind is weak.  Instead of facing that which I see within my mind as weaknesses, I forcefully suppress this within me and tell myself, "Nope.  I can't do this right now.  This isn't happening."

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to be equal-to anything that I see within my mind as weakness because I fear that if I allow myself or others to see how I really feel about myself that I will lose everything.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that a consequence of me not facing that fact that I see myself as weak are: I exist in a constant state of tension to push down my fear and I cannot relax because I must always be physically, mentally, and/or emotionally reacting to try to escape my backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a person that is not able to stop, sit down, relax, slow myself down, and breath.  No matter where I am or what I am doing, I am thinking about what has to be done and/or what could be done in any given moment.  I rarely allow myself to enjoy any experiences as I am conflicted with guilt, anxiety, worry, and fear of what could happen if I anything within my world is not within my control or being directed.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to hear and be aware of the messages that I have seen and/or heard outside of myself as: I am often given 'meditation gifts', others touch me/pull at me/hold me to try to get me to stay still and/or relax for a moment, tell me I have 'too much energy', that I 'think too much', or that I'm 'in my head'.  Instead of taking the time to consider others perspectives of what I'm not seeing, I disregard them immediately and say to myself, "I'm not changing.  I can't change.  I must be this way to get things done.  There is no one else that can/will do this for me."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself about who I am - where, in this case, I have been telling myself, telling others and trying to show the world that I am a 'laid-back and calm person' with very little worries or stress when this is clearly not true.  Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within hypocrisy where I tell others that they must be cool, calm, chill-out, and see that there's 'nothing to worry about'.

Day 115: How Am I Currently Living With and Directing Stress?

I'm pausing my Journey To Life Review to have a look at Traumatic Events and Stresses.  Within this, I will be writing about Traumatic Events and Stress, how I reacted to these events, what my energy experience was, how I made myself feel in my Mind, how I changed as a result, and how I can change now to no longer accept and allow the past to determine who I am.

To begin, I will be answering the question: How am I currently living with and directing Stress?



I work in an intense, high-stress industry where there is little time for re-directing oneself to stabilize oneself during the day where a day can be anywhere between 5 and 12 hours of non-stop physical movement within an extremely unstable physical, mental, and emotional environment.  Despite this, it is absolutely required that I be positive, up-beat, energetic, fun, in-control, pleasing, flexible and able to direct in any given moment/under any circumstances because I work one-on-one with the public and I manage a team of others that are within the same stresses and environment that I must keep stable in-order to get done what we must get done and in the way that we must do it to ensure that we exceed the expectations of the public.  

To be honest, my role is something that I get a great deal of satisfaction and pleasure from because we consistently provide satisfaction and pleasure to the public and in-turn, this is reflected back to those I work with at the end of the day as 'a job well-done' as well as profit in their pocket.

Anyway, my role at work is quite simple which is to maintain the appearance that 'everything is under-control', to make certain that operations run smoothly, to fix any problems immediately, and that the workers are stable and supported.  I will take-on anything extra to make this happen as we need every one of us to make it through the day and each and every one of us is expected to 'tough it out'. 

So allowing oneself to be overcome by stress is NOT an option.  In fact, those that can't handle the stress or are consistently negative are seen as separate from the group and are removed 99% of the time.

My way of handling stress is to separate myself from it completely. I do not allow myself to consider stressful events/moments as having any consequence to me and thus I will push it outward/away from me and say to myself, "I don't have time for this," or "I am better than this. I am above this," and suppress the stress.

When I am at home, I repeat the same pattern.  I tell myself that I must be strong, that I cannot go down, and that I must project myself as calm, stable, and flexible because I believe that this is what I must be for others.  I have not allowed myself the time to look at my stress and figure out why I experience stress with just about everything in my life as well as to realize the constant state of conflict that I exist in.  In-fact, I may have not seen it at all if it weren't for the assistance and support that was given to me when I became aware of the physical consequences of my stress.

Day 114: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 14

Why would I write out a Pros & Cons list before making a decision?



Here I am writing Self-Commitment Statements from Self-Correction and realizations within my process of reviewing my Journey To Life - Day 2.


I commit myself to stopping ignoring, denying, rejecting and/or polarizing points that I see as BAD by embracing the BAD/negative/wrong that exists within and as me and within this facing, assist and support myself through the process of facing, becoming equal-to, and standing within these points with the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.


Within this, I commit myself to stop suppressing the physical pain/discomfort when and as recall memories/experiences by allowing myself to actually experience the pain/discomfort so that I communicate with my physical body about my reactions which will assist and support me within my investigation of myself.


I commit myself to stopping myself from retreating/escaping into my mind where I can go blank/fuzzy/numb by redirecting myself to here in my physical body in breath.

I commit myself to stop trying to find/prove the GOOD in me when I am faced with the BAD by simply stopping because I am aware of when I am doing this.


I commit myself to stopping myself from connecting my behaviors to the Word BAD.  Specifically, within this Journey To Life Review of Day 2: Self-Commitment To Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud, I commit myself to remove any more negative judgements that come up within and as this point and to stopping myself from re-connecting Not Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud to FAILURE and as something BAD by continuing to assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction when/as/if this point resurfaces.

I commit myself to stop telling myself, "I am FINE!" and/or "There is no reason for me to experience myself negatively." When I slow myself down and actually hear myself, I am aware that I am doing this - so, first, to live this commitment, I work on slowing myself with breathing, stopping this, "I Am Fine" and/or "There is no reason to experience myself negatively," and then going back to see/investigate the process that got me here.  When and as I find my core-source-origin point, I use the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction to release myself from having to tell myself 'I Am Fine'.


I commit myself to no longer allow myself to step into my mind character/personality of I Am Curious as I see, realize, and understand that this is irresponsible and the amount of stress that I put on my body is intense which is a consequence of myself being in-conflict with myself.  I will live this self-commitment by instead of allowing myself to react to something I don't know (or that I tell myself might be fun), I stop, and direct myself to sit and write out the PROS and CONS before I move within a decision.  As an additional level of support, I self-forgive any reactions that come up within my PROS and CONS list to make certain that I am clear before I move.


I commit myself to stop judging myself with the personalities of those that I have known - I see, realize, and understand that I have stored/learned/programmed myself with others personalities from a point of fear of not surviving, being bullied, not being liked, and not fitting in - which, the consequences of this is that I have taken away my freedom to explore myself and myself physically in my world within and as my own expression - instead of caving-in, placing myself in-conflict, wearing myself down, begging for forgiveness outside of myself, beating myself up, and allowing myself to fall - I STAND.  I face the personalities/characters that I have allowed to exist within and as me and I sort out WHO each personality is, WHY I use them against/for myself, HOW I am allowing these to influence me in my decision-making process, and WHY I fear losing these specific personalities - in this sorting out process, I will use the tools of writing and self-forgiveness and then self-correction and self-commitments where I see that I can change. 

Day 113: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 13

Why do I tell myself that I am fine?

Here I am writing Self-Correction from realizations within my process of reviewing my Journey To Life - Day 2.






When and as I see myself ignoring, denying, rejecting, and/or polarizing a point that I am faced with because I have connected the point to being BAD/negative/wrong, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that if I do not stop, breath, face the point, and become equal-to what I do not like about myself and/or what exists within and as me, that my pattern of separating myself from my physical body, blankness, and searching for something GOOD within an experience/memory prevents me from ever actually changing my starting point of having a BAD experience - and within this, because I do not become equal-to and change my starting point, my pattern continues over-and-over-and-over again.  So, instead of ignoring, denying, rejecting, and/or polarizing a point, I re-direct myself to embrace the BAD/negative/wrong that exists within and as me and assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction to release myself from the reactions that I use as a trigger to separate, not take responsibility for, and to not change.

When and as I experience physical pain/uncomfortableness from memories/experiences, I do not suppress the pain and I do not hide within my mind where I can make myself numb.  I support myself within and as the pain with breathing and direct myself to investigate the what my thought was that triggered my GUILT and/or SHAME as I see, realize, and understand that in this moment I have an opportunity to change myself and my living so I embrace the moment, explore the connections, and push myself to get to my core/source/origin point.  Within this, I direct myself to assist and support myself with the tools of writing and self-forgiveness to realize myself, how I function and why I do what I do and thus work on a solution to change with the tools of self-correction and self-commitment.

When and as I see myself searching through my memories to find reasons/data/proof for why I am GOOD/positive/right, I STOP.  I see, realize, and understand that I am about to complete the cycle of not taking responsibility for myself as I am seeking out reasons, justifications, excuses and/or flat-out lies to ease myself from my negative experience of myself instead of changing myself so that I no longer have to tell myself that I'm not BAD and/or that any negativity does not exist within/withoutside of me.  Instead of making a cover-up story, I re-direct myself, again, to breath and go backwards through my mind process of WHY I saw myself as having to flee from the scene, WHY I judged myself so harshly, and WHY I needed to provide proof/come up with a story that I could show myself why I am not only innocent but also righteous.

I commit myself to facing the things/events/scenarios/experiences/memories that I tell myself are BAD/wrong, negative/unforgivable - to take responsibility for my mistakes and to vigilantly work on removing myself from my pattern of: thought/experience/memory -> shame/guilt/fear -> escape/separation -> excuses/reasoning/justification/lies/positive-affirmations that keeps me locked into my mind and my self-interest.  I commit myself to discovering my triggers that initiate my patterns/programmed responses.  I live up to these self-commitments to myself by breathing, slowing myself, going back-wards through my processes and using the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

When and as I see that I am connecting NOT speaking self-forgiveness out-loud to BAD, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that when I connect my behaviors or lack of certain behaviors to BAD, that I am setting myself up for failure as I will manifest a negative experience within/as my relationship with myself and my process.  Within this, when and as I see that I am connecting BAD to my behaviors or lack of behaviors, I re-direct myself to investigate the connections and then trace the origins of my programming as to WHY I have set myself up in this way and from here, I assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

When and as I see myself laughing at myself for my reactions and telling myself that, "I am FINE!" and/or "There was no reason for me to experience myself in this way!", I stop and I see that it is too late and I have completed the cycle of my abdication of myself.  I breath, bring myself back to here, and re-trace the details of my pattern.  I investigate why/where I was not effective in my application and self-correct myself.

When and as I see that I am about to step into my I Am Curious Character as indicated by myself 'Not Knowing' for sure the outcome/answer and thus I begin considering ways that I could find out and/or prove something to myself and others WITHOUT considering the consequences which is additionally indicated by me moving really fast and becoming agitated by outside distractions, I STOP.  I breath.  I slow myself down.  I direct myself to sit and write PROS and CONS of the decision that I am considering making and following through with.  I am now aware of the amount of stress that I put on my physical body when I possess myself with this character as I bounce back and forth between 'I should'-'I shouldn't'-'I should'-'I shouldn't'-'I SHOULD!' and that it requires several hours after the matter to get myself and my physical body stable again.  So within considering what is best for my self-development AND my physical body, I see, realize, and understand that writing out my decisions and moving in the direction that I find is best is absolutely required.
 
When and as I see myself reacting to and/or fleeing from the judgements that I have connected to the personalities that I have stored within me as memories, I stop!  I breath, slow down and study these personalities - why did I store/learn/program myself with these specific personalities and images?  Why do I keep these personalities within and as me even though I am not in-contact with most of them outside of my mind?  Why do I use these personalities to judge myself? Why do I use these personalities to hide from the negativity of myself?  How are these personalities influencing my decisions and my every day living? Why am I afraid that these people are 'going to get rid of me for good this time'? -- I see, realize, and understand that I have been running away from this judgmental group of dissonant personalities and pretending as though these are of no consequence because I don't like what they're saying. Instead of running, I re-direct myself to stand, face myself as my accusers, write them out, and self-forgive. 

Day 112: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 12

 How do I trap myself in my mind?


Within my Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Not Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud, this is what I've found:

When I see something as BAD it is a trigger for myself to ignore, deny, reject, and polarize that which I am seeing as BAD.

When I participate in a behavior that I see as BAD I experience GUILT.  The experience of GUILT is physically painful so I separate myself from my GUILT - I detach myself from my physical body and go into my mind where I can be blank and numb.

Within and as this blankness is where the excuse, justification, and lie of, "I don't know," and/or "I forgot," exists because I interpret myself as 'forgetting' or 'not knowing' when I do not get information as pictures from my mind.

When and as I see blankness and tell myself that "I don't know," and/or "I forgot," I will go back through my memories in search of things that I can identify about myself and my experiences that are GOOD and I will laugh-off the BAD, the guilt, the not-knowing, and the forgetfulness and tell myself, "I'm FINE!  What was all that guilt about? Geesh."

Instead of facing the things that I see as BAD, taking responsibility for mistakes, removing the triggers, and redirecting myself within self-correction, I have allowed the pattern of guilt, escape, excuses/justifications/lies, and being positive to keep myself locked into myself as my mind.

Bringing this point back to my not Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud, what happens is that I literally self-sabotage myself because I made a self-commitment to say my self-forgiveness out-loud to assist myself in releasing myself with sound - I tell myself that NOT doing this is BAD and that it will slow down my process.  Additionally, if I do not live up to my self-commitments, this is BAD too.  So, if I tell myself that not Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud equals BAD which I will manifest as a real experience within and as me with negative emotions which then I will then enter into my pattern of self-sabotage that leads to myself not living up to my self-commitments, laughing it off, and telling myself, "I don't need to say self-forgiveness out-loud all the time!  That's just silly and impractical.  I'm fine." - I like THIS voice, much better.

And then within my I Am Curious Character that saw while working on this review, I found and an additional layer of protection to keep myself locked into place which is I have defined 'Not Knowing' as BAD where I connect Not Knowing to abusive experiences that I have stored within my memories. I become very uncomfortable with myself and so I will trigger my I Am Curious Character/personality which is fun and thus I am able to experience myself more positively.  Within this character/personality possession, I direct myself within and toward a desired outcome of finding an answer, proving to myself that I knew all along, or doing something where I will see/prove to others how the world in-fact functions.  Because the energy build-up is so massive from the conflict within myself from bad-to-good over-an-over again - I tell myself that I cannot stop myself and that I must see this through - even if/when/as I see that BAD things could result.  My heart races, my physical expression goes from 'zippy' to 'agitated' over-and-over-again, and I experience my skin as opening, breathing, standing-up, and living - I 'feel' alive.  When the dust has settled, the outcome of this personality possession typically compromises my self-development and changes nothing for the best within myself and my world - instead, I have created yet another negative experience for myself to store as BAD within and as me for future pattern triggering.



What is really interesting within my process of self-observation is the huge amount of others voices I have stored in my memories. Wow.  I can recall personalities, spoken works, actions, and judgements of every human that I have gotten to know.  And when I do something that I question myself as, "Is this BAD?", I will gang up on myself with these personalities with their judgements and show myself over-and-over again how these people will react to me making a mistake.  For those personalities that are currently in my life or somehow nearby, I will show myself how each person will reject/leave me 'for good' this time.

 

Day 111: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 9

By MFM Art

Day 110: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 8, Day 108: Journey To Life - Day 2 - Part 7,  Day 107: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 6,  Day 106: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 5, Day 105: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 4,  Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3, Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2.

Consequence Dimension:

I see, realize, and understand the consequences of me accepting and allowing myself to follow my mind curiosity where I give into my desire for knowledge and information which leads to myself placing myself in situations that it would be best to not compromise myself and/or others in - when and as I am in this energy possessed state, I do not consider how my actions and/or words will effect myself, my self-development and others outside of myself.  Within this, because my starting point is from desire, I often lead myself to that 'place of no return' where if I have a moment of clarity I will continue doing what I have decided to do because I have already set myself in-motion - here, I begin experiencing a great amount of regret which I try to cover-up by justifying my motivation as being 'what's best' when it's really not.  Instead of allowing myself to stand up and say, "No - I'm not going there," I continue to stay in my pattern of taking the bait, going on an energy high, compromising myself, reacting in fear, covering up the negativity of myself that emerges, telling myself that my actions have no consequence/effect on myself and others, and then continuing the cycle again.

And so, I see, realize, and understand the Consequences that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring into my world and to myself as a result of me giving into an energy high addiction and then try to hide my fear, guilt, and regret with my 'It's going to be fine' character personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself without consideration for myself and my relationship with others into a 'place of no return' where instead of taking this moment as an opportunity to change where I make a decision that considers the outcome for myself and my relationship with myself and others, I placed my desires/wants/needs as imagined positive energy experiences that I created in my mind before physical, practical reality.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop this behavior pattern when and as I first saw the consequences during the first time that I participated in my mind curiosity where I could have woken up immediately and realized what I am doing to myself, my own life, and my relationships with others and from here, immediately made the decision to no more accept and allow it but to stick to my self-commitment to change, establish self-trust, and be a person with integrity.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to change and instead manipulate myself with reactions of fear, regret, and guilt from where I create another character personality as the 'It's Going To Be Fine' and within this character personality blame others outside of myself in response to the voices in my head as, "Deal with it," without seeing, realizing, and understanding that I am in-fact angry and frustrated with myself for doing something that could compromise my integrity and my relationship with others because I did not stop, slow myself down, and consider all of the consequences of my desired actions before making a decision to follow-through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within and as my curiosity and continue to abdicate my responsibility and 'play naive/dumb' within this behavior when I know exactly what I am doing, accepting, and allowing - and further more how I go to the extent of blaming others 'for not allowing me to be free do what I want' and create additional characters of 'It's Going To Be Fine' and 'Deal With it' - rather than face the situation self-honestly and the consequences that I've manifested.  Instead of taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in, I hide within and as my mind.

Will continue.

Day 110: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 8

 

In this blog, I will be walking the Fear Dimension of my Curious Character.  For the other dimensions walked thus far, see: Day 108: Journey To Life - Day 2 - Part 7. And to see how I got to here, read  Day 107: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 6,  Day 106: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 5, Day 105: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 4,  Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3, Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be in an uncomfortable situation if I do not have the answers when and as a question is asked of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences and/or potential outcomes within which I will experience myself if I do not have the answers when I am asked a question.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not survive or that I will not make through to the next moment if I do not have the answers when I am asked a question.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go on a relentless search for knowledge and information within which I have directed from a point of fear rather than from a point of real curiosity to understand and explore myself and my world.

Also, as I have walked this point I see that many times my curiosity stemmed from my fear of death and the afterlife where I became completely obsessed with and  possessed by desire, want, and need to 'know' what to expect when I die or to try to find a way for myself to be taken care of in the after-life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct my curiosity toward myself in the future because I fear the unknown.  I have allowed myself to become possessed by this fear and within and as this, I do not see, realize, nor understand that this is my mind fearing what cannot be controlled as well as my mind keeping me in the future so that I do not realize myself here.

Next, I will walk the Consequence Dimension.

In this blog, I will be walking the dimensions of my Curious Character.  To see how I got to here, read  Day 107: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 6,  Day 106: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 5, Day 105: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 4,  Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3, Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/#sthash.quyBo3P4.dpuf