Day 123: How Could You Do This To Me? -- Self-Commitments

Traumatic Event 1 - Part 4

Day 120: How Could You Do This To Me?
Part 2 - Day 121: Self-Forgiveness 
Part 3 - Day 122: Self-Correction
In this blog, I am walking Day 123: Self-Commitments





I commit myself to stopping my participation play-outs with/as/in my memories where instead of allowing myself to participate, going-all with, and imagine ideal outcomes, I commit myself to re-direct my memories to writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

I commit myself to stopping my projecting my past experiences, memories, events, and traumas onto others as pre-determined blame, opinion, and assumption.  I commit myself to re-mind myself that when I project I am self-communicating and, instead of separating myself from this communication, I bring this communication back to myself where I investigate myself within this communication, write it out, self-forgive, and self-correct.

I commit myself to stop punishing myself with my past experiences and memories by first reminding myself that the past is not here - it is done, it does not define me, and there's nothing I can do to change the past.  Additionally, I commit myself to remind myself that me going back to my past over-and-over-and-over again is another point of self-communication that I am trying to ignore rather than become equal-to and change myself that it does not happen again in the future.    I commit myself to stop hiding from myself, allow myself to write out my past experiences, my participation in my past experiences, my reactions to my past experiences, and to take responsibility for myself within and as my past experiences with self-forgiveness.  From here, I commit myself to write self-correction and self-commitment until my past experiences no longer direct/move me and it is done.

I commit myself to stopping myself from defining/re-defining personalities/characters with 'if-then' statements by reminding myself of my commitment to stopping myself from attempting/trying to change and/or rescript my past experiences, events, and memories.

I commit myself to stop attempting/trying to force others into pre-defined supporting characters within seeing, realizing, and understanding that this is pointless, causes conflict, and sets me up for disappointment.

I commit myself to stop looking for apologies, remorse, regret and 'I'm sorry', from others outside of myself by assisting and supporting myself to give this to myself with self-forgiveness where I take responsibility for my thoughts, mind-participation/acceptance/allowance, my reactions, and my decisions that have physically and mentally caused me harm.

I commit myself to investigate ways of caring for myself, creating a safer environment for myself, and strengthening my self-trust.  Within this, I commit myself to assisting, supporting, and standing for a solution that will provide this care, safety, and self-trust for everyone.

Day 122: How Could You Do This To Me?? -- Self-Correction

Traumatic Event 1 - Part 3

Day 120: How Could You Do This To Me?
Part 2 - Day 121: Self-Forgiveness 
In this blog, I am walking Day 122: Self-Correction



When and as I see that I am playing-out memories of past traumatic events and experiences, I stop.  I see, realize and understand that I am replaying these memories so that I can re-live myself being hurt, angry and vulnerable to show myself how/why others cannot be trusted and counted for support.  Instead of projecting myself within/as/from my past onto others, I bring these points of self-communications back to myself where I take responsibility rather than saying, "How could you do this to me?" which is blame and fleeing away.

When and as I see that I'm recalling my past experiences to show myself or to prove to myself that I am a bad person, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that I cannot change my experiences in the past nor can I change who/what I was.  I remind myself that the past does not define who/what I am and that who/what I am can be determined here in breath where I remove what is bad and keep what is good.

When and as I see that I am going into my history to try out different 'if-then' scenarios where I try to correct past mistakes with, "If I had done THIS, then THAT would have happened," I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that when I do this I am programming myself for a future response that will be within/as my own self-interest - additionally within this, I see that this is in-part of how I create desire within and as myself where I fear that I will miss out on an opportunity for myself to live out my 'if-then' imaginations.  I see that breaking myself of the 'if-then' habit will assist and support me in breaking free from my patterns, programming, and stopping myself from becoming different characters/personalities.

When and as I see that I am attempting to force others into my definitions of what they 'should be' depending on what role they have in my living, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that this not only creates unreal expectations of others but that it also creates conflict within and outside of myself.

When and as I see that I am waiting for or expecting some sort of an apology and/or sorry-ness from another outside of myself, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that this is pointless and that I can not control what others do or say.  Instead of trying to control others with a single-point that I'm obsessing over, I re-direct myself to bring that point back to myself where I self-forgive and self-correct as I see, realize, and understand that the only being that I can move/direct/change is myself.

When and as I see that I am looking outside of myself for another to provide a pre-defined/imagined safety, caring, and relationship of trust, I stop.  Instead of expecting, hoping, and/or desiring for another to give me safety, caring, and/or a relationship of trust, I continue to investigate ways of giving these to myself and to support a solution that will give all the opportunity to do the same.

Day 121: How Could You Do This To Me? -- Self-Forgiveness

Traumatic Event 1 - Part 2

Day 120: How Could You Do This To Me?
In this blog, I am walking Day 121: Self-Forgiveness



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to play-out the memory of myself within a shocking/traumatic event to incite thoughts of betrayal and being unloved to which I react with experiencing myself again-and-again as hurt, vulnerable, and angry.  Additionally, I use this memory to prove that others cannot be trusted and that, when I am experiencing a traumatic, shocking, and/or stressful event, the only person countable for support and assistance is myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I deserve to be hurt, betrayed, and unloved because of my bad behavior - because I have been bad, I tell myself that I have brought these things onto myself and that if I had been good that I would have earned better treatment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and force others into my definition of what a loving person is.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and force myself into my definition of what a loving person is.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood the great amount of conflict that I have created for myself by forcing myself and trying to force others into being something that is not real and that none of us are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect an apology from outside of myself instead of bringing this point back to myself and forgiving myself for the extensive amount of trauma that I make myself re-live over-and-over-and-over again.  Instead of facing my memories and releasing these memories with writing and forgiveness, I choose to cling to my memories as a reminder of why others deserve my spite, my anger, and my aggression as well as to remind myself why I deserve to receive spite, anger, and aggression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the memories of myself within traumatic events because I fear that I will forget and that I will 'set myself up' to get hurt again.  Within and as this fear of loss, I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I am manifesting these fear within my mind where I continue to hurt myself time-and-time-and-time-again - so, this fear is in-fact useless, has not protected me, and has not changed anything in my living at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that another outside of myself can provide safety, care, and trust.  Because of this image/belief that I created, I have been on the constant look-out for another that I can depend on to provide this for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for another to keep me safe, cared for, and show that others outside of myself can be trusted.  Within and as this desire, I have made decisions that are not in the best interest of anyone - including myself - and I have created undesirable consequences.  I have not allowed myself to see, realize, nor understand that the safety, caring, and trust that I'm looking for outside of myself are actually the points that I must bring/give to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and separate myself from my memories and because of this separation, attempting to ignore, and running-away-from, I have not allowed myself to change my ways of living to establish my well-being, self-care, self-trust, and self-love.

Day 120: How Could You Do This To Me?

Traumatic Event 1

How Could You Do This To Me?

In this memory, I reacted to this event with shock that the actual event happened and I felt betrayed, hurt, unloved, vulnerable, distrustful and angry that I was left to sort it out on my own. I have carried this memory within me as an 'Unforgivable Act' where every time I recall the instance, I experience that same betrayal, hurt, vulnerability, distrust, anger, and remind myself that love is a lie.

Within this, I questioned myself over and over again: Did I deserve this? Did I bring this onto myself?  If I had been better, would this have not happened?

The answer to these questions is that it was my fault and that I must have brought it on to myself because I was Not Good. At the moment, I did not see myself as an innocent but at the same time, I did not see that it was 'right'.  I mean, how can someone say that they love me and then direct an Unforgivable Act at me? And worse, that person showed nor expressed any kind of remorse.

So, here is where I recall my first conflict between wanting to be loved by someone and hating them at the same time and to make things worse, I expected and waited for an apology that never came.

Before this event, I had a belief that I was safe, that I was cared for, that I could trust others, and that there would always be someone to help me - and I had had experiences to prove this.  After this event, I told myself that I was not safe, that I was not cared for, that I could not trust others, and that the only person that could help me was myself - and I had an experience to prove it.

I also see that I have tried to separate myself from this memory as when I look back I am an observer that sees myself curled up, staying low, and trying to hide.  Within this, I see that I also created myself as The Victim as a means to get what I wanted which was to have another feel bad for me, to be sorry, and to never do it again - which does not happen from the source that I desired it from.

Day 119: How Do I Change Myself To Not Be Stressed In The Future?

ART By Scott Cook

 Traumatic Events and Stresses

In the is blog series, I will be writing about Traumatic Events and Stress, how I reacted to these events, what my energy experience was, how I made myself feel in my Mind, how I changed as a result, and how I can change now to no longer accept and allow the past to determine who I am.

Additional Content:
Day 115: How Am I Currently Living With and Directing Stress? 
Day 116: How Do I React To Stressful Events?
Day 117: How Has Stress Changed Me?
Day 118: How Do I Change The Way I Direct Stressful Events?

I commit myself to stopping my reacting to unanticipated events, experiences, and problems with panic, worry, anxiety, and/or conflicting positive/negative reactions by breathing and stabilizing myself in the moment - once I am clear, then I will direct the event, experience, and/or problem.

Instead of ignoring my reactions that emerged in that moment, I commit myself to later investigating my reactions to an event, experience, and/or problem and supporting myself with self-forgiveness and self-correction for how to change when and as I face my reactions to a potentially stressful event, experience, and/or problem in the future.

I commit myself to allowing myself to consider feedback and suggestions from others on how to handle/look-at/solve problems and unexpected events/experiences by first, stopping myself from going into my judgement of others, second stopping myself from thinking while others are speaking, and third, assisting myself to not be influenced by my thoughts and judgements of others by using the tools of writing and self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to stop devaluing others experiences by stopping myself from devaluing my own by investigating and researching myself, others, and the world.  Within this, I commit myself to stop dismissing others and actually allowing myself to hear.

I commit myself to relieving some of the stress in my living by allowing others to take on tasks, situations, events, problems, and experiences with me.  I do this within the realization that I am not alone when things get tough - and so, I remind myself that just because something looks 'tough' or 'impossible' to me, does not mean that the way that -I- see it is the way it -actually- is, it makes sense for me to discuss the task, situation, event, problem and/or experience with another that may have the solution.

I commit myself to working on stopping my personality conflicts/polarities with writing and self-forgiveness as these will assist and support me in understanding where my conflicts are coming from, when I created them, and why.

I commit myself to developing an awareness of myself within conflict, polarity, and stress by responding to the indicators from my physical body (clenching my teeth, licking my lips, sighing, etc.) with breathing, slowing myself down, and aligning myself to my physical body.

I commit myself to stopping myself from choosing a personality/character that suits me best in the moment by reminding myself that this places me in-conflict with myself and compromises my self-honesty, self-trust, and the development of my integrity/standing.  Additionally, I commit myself to removing the personalities/characters in which I am unable to stand by/for/as which are the personalities/characters I stored/memorized/scripted/created for my own personal gain, self-interest, and/or a means to keep myself locked in to patterns.

I commit myself to working on slowing myself down and to stop moving quickly from task to another by reminding myself that this behavior indicates that in my mind I am moving quickly from one point to another in my mind to which I am reacting to and ignoring/running from rather than sorting out.  An additional reminder to myself here is that if I do not allow myself time to relax, breath, and sort things out that I end up pushing myself mentally and physically to the point of burn-out.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to remove stress from my living by removing the conflicting Ego definitions of myself with the tools of writing and self-forgiveness within seeing, realizing, and understanding that none of these definitions are actually me.

Day 118: How Do I Change The Way I Direct Stressful Events?

 Traumatic Events and Stresses

In the is blog series, I will be writing about Traumatic Events and Stress, how I reacted to these events, what my energy experience was, how I made myself feel in my Mind, how I changed as a result, and how I can change now to no longer accept and allow the past to determine who I am.

Additional Content:
Day 115: How Am I Currently Living With and Directing Stress? 
Day 116: How Do I React To Stressful Events?
Day 117: How Has Stress Changed Me?

 

When and as I see that I am reacting in panic or dread as a response to an event, experience, or problem that I did not anticipate and/or am required to change directions to address, I breath and stabilize myself until I am clear.  I see, realize, and understand that I am reacting to my fear of failing and/or making the wrong decision. I also understand that there are times when I may not be be able to direct an event, experience, and/or problem in a moment - in such cases, instead of reacting, I redirect myself to investigate the event, experience, and/problem, look at how others have approached similar, and get feedback from others as to the best way to proceed.




When and as I see that I am valuing my own experiences, memories, and/or perspectives above an others and within this, immediately dismissing feedback and suggestions that I did not consider, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that to get this point of devaluing another that I have already put them through the process of my reactions, backchat, and judgements that is aligned to my Mind pattern.  Thus, instead of dismissing others feedback and suggestions, I breath, hear, discuss and try out the practical, common-sense solutions that emerge from this type of communication.


When and as I see that I am in-conflict with myself as indicated by me clenching my teeth and moving between two polarity points within my mind, I stop, breath, and slow myself until I am back here and aware of my physical body - when I am stable, I investigate my polarity points and conflict with writing and self-forgiveness.

When and as I see that I have caught myself in a 'picking a personality' polarity trap as indicated by myself moving between opposing personalities as a means to pick a personality that best suits me/from a point of self-interest/gets me the outcome that I want, I stop my participating in my polarity mind trap, breath until I am back to here and remind myself that I must choose/decide/direct myself, my mind, and my physical actions within and as the 1+1 equation of what will be the best outcome for all.

When and as I see that I am physically moving myself quickly from one task to another and not allowing myself to relax and enjoy moments in life, I STOP. I slow myself down and take a moment to 'sit it out'.  I see, realize, and understand that I am fleeing from a fear and a reaction that I had to that fear that made me physically uncomfortable and that I did not want to face. Additionally, I see that I am attempting to ignore the physical discomforts of my accumulated stress that I have not given myself time to sort out. So, instead of using the excuses of 'toughing it out', 'there's too much to do', and/or 'there's not enough time', I redirect myself to assist and support myself with breathing, investigating myself in times of mental stress and physical strain, writing myself out, and using the tool of self-forgiveness to sort out and understand myself.



When and as I see that I am giving up and surrendering myself to the thought/belief/idea that I there is nothing I can do to change my situation, I STOP.  I see, realize, and understand that change is made with the decisions I make in every moment that I am presented and opportunity to make a decision to change.  Within this, I see that 'surrendering' and 'giving up' is myself saying, "I don't want to change."


When and as I see that I am disregarding, 'brushing-off', and/or attempting to ignore the feedback/reflections/mirroring-back that I'm getting from my world as indicated by myself saying, "No one knows me, my life, and my body but me," - I stop because within this separation I see, realize, and understand that this is me as my Ego defending my self-definitions. Instead of separating myself from that which I have defined as 'Not Me', I observe my surroundings and the others in my surroundings and working bringing all the points that I'm seeing back to myself - and at this stage of my process, I give specific attention to those points that are triggering my, 'NOT ME!' response.

Day 117: How Has Stress Changed Me?

Traumatic Events and Stresses

 In the is blog series, I will be writing about Traumatic Events and Stress, how I reacted to these events, what my energy experience was, how I made myself feel in my Mind, how I changed as a result, and how I can change now to no longer accept and allow the past to determine who I am.

Additional Content:
Day 115: How Am I Currently Living With and Directing Stress? 
Day 116: How Do I React To Stressful Events?

How has stress changed me? 
How have I changed as a result of my reactions to my experiences?

I exist in constant and continuous dread of events, experiences, or problems that I cannot control because I fear the consequences if I were to fail and/or make the wrong decision. 

I do not trust others perspectives as being equally as applicable as my own and that in the event that I am given suggestions, I must be convinced that it there is potential for these suggestions to work.


I have polarized myself within and as two conflicting personalities: Weak and Strong - the consequence of this is that I am tense because of the conflict within myself.  In my mind, I see this experience of myself as being in the middle of a tug-of-war rope and being pulled in opposite directions while I strain, clench my teeth, and redistribute my weight to not get over-taken to either direction.

Within this picture representation I have within myself as the victim of polarity, I see that this is dishonest because I often choose to be either the Weak or Strong characters/personalities depending on what gets me what I want in that moment.

I realize that Life, as it has existed for me, did not come with an Instruction Manual as to how to become the Best Human Being For All and that because of this, I have created myself from what I've witnessed has worked for others and what was gained for themselves.  Many of the characters/personalities that I have stored within and as me are in-conflict.  And because I have been scared to say or do the 'wrong thing', I never trusted myself to be myself - and the personalities are so extensive at this point, that it's difficult to remember who/what that self is.  What I -do- remember is not being liked by many others prior to me changing myself as I see their faces and actions of disapproving, experience frustration, and/or not understanding my expressions.  I also continue to haunt myself with cruel spoken words.

I must keep myself physically moving and do not allow myself to relax and enjoy moments in life because I flee from guilt, worry, fear, and not wanting to face the uncomfortableness that I experience within my physical body.  Within this, when I am busy moving and in my mind, I do not experience the constant tingling-twitching-vibrating-pulsating sensation in my skin and I'm able to tune out the ringing in my ears.

I have surrendered to the thought, belief, and idea that there is nothing I can do to change my situation.

I ignore, disregard, or 'brush-off' the reflections of me that are seen in my world because I have already defined myself/my Ego identity.  I tell myself that no one knows me, my life, and my body but me - and this is interesting as it makes me wonder where/why I learned this scripted line as I'm seeing it is quite far from the truth.

Day 116: How Do I React To Stressful Events?

Traumatic Events and Stresses
How do I react to stressful events?
 
In the is blog series, I will be writing about Traumatic Events and Stress, how I reacted to these events, what my energy experience was, how I made myself feel in my Mind, how I changed as a result, and how I can change now to no longer accept and allow the past to determine who I am.

This post is a continuation from Day 115: How Am I Currently Living With and Directing Stress?


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear of what each day will bring and in-fear of the unknown events and experiences that could happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience moments of panic, terror, and/or anxiety within me whenever I am faced with a problem, situation, event, or conflict that I am not familiar with and/or have not faced before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to make the wrong decision and/or the wrong 'thing'/action that will 'mess everything up' beyond repair.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I do not always have to come up with solutions to problems on my own and that there are others outside of myself that may have supportive suggestions/perspectives, experience, and/or practical solutions that can assist me with what I'm seeing as a problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I must be strong - where, my definition of a 'strong person' is one that can stand on their own feet without the assistance and support of others.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a 'weak person' as one who relies on others because the weak cannot make decisions and/or problem-solve on their own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in constant conflict with myself where I tell myself that I must be strong while what I am actually feeling in my mind is weak.  Instead of facing that which I see within my mind as weaknesses, I forcefully suppress this within me and tell myself, "Nope.  I can't do this right now.  This isn't happening."

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to be equal-to anything that I see within my mind as weakness because I fear that if I allow myself or others to see how I really feel about myself that I will lose everything.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that a consequence of me not facing that fact that I see myself as weak are: I exist in a constant state of tension to push down my fear and I cannot relax because I must always be physically, mentally, and/or emotionally reacting to try to escape my backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a person that is not able to stop, sit down, relax, slow myself down, and breath.  No matter where I am or what I am doing, I am thinking about what has to be done and/or what could be done in any given moment.  I rarely allow myself to enjoy any experiences as I am conflicted with guilt, anxiety, worry, and fear of what could happen if I anything within my world is not within my control or being directed.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to hear and be aware of the messages that I have seen and/or heard outside of myself as: I am often given 'meditation gifts', others touch me/pull at me/hold me to try to get me to stay still and/or relax for a moment, tell me I have 'too much energy', that I 'think too much', or that I'm 'in my head'.  Instead of taking the time to consider others perspectives of what I'm not seeing, I disregard them immediately and say to myself, "I'm not changing.  I can't change.  I must be this way to get things done.  There is no one else that can/will do this for me."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself about who I am - where, in this case, I have been telling myself, telling others and trying to show the world that I am a 'laid-back and calm person' with very little worries or stress when this is clearly not true.  Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within hypocrisy where I tell others that they must be cool, calm, chill-out, and see that there's 'nothing to worry about'.

Day 115: How Am I Currently Living With and Directing Stress?

I'm pausing my Journey To Life Review to have a look at Traumatic Events and Stresses.  Within this, I will be writing about Traumatic Events and Stress, how I reacted to these events, what my energy experience was, how I made myself feel in my Mind, how I changed as a result, and how I can change now to no longer accept and allow the past to determine who I am.

To begin, I will be answering the question: How am I currently living with and directing Stress?



I work in an intense, high-stress industry where there is little time for re-directing oneself to stabilize oneself during the day where a day can be anywhere between 5 and 12 hours of non-stop physical movement within an extremely unstable physical, mental, and emotional environment.  Despite this, it is absolutely required that I be positive, up-beat, energetic, fun, in-control, pleasing, flexible and able to direct in any given moment/under any circumstances because I work one-on-one with the public and I manage a team of others that are within the same stresses and environment that I must keep stable in-order to get done what we must get done and in the way that we must do it to ensure that we exceed the expectations of the public.  

To be honest, my role is something that I get a great deal of satisfaction and pleasure from because we consistently provide satisfaction and pleasure to the public and in-turn, this is reflected back to those I work with at the end of the day as 'a job well-done' as well as profit in their pocket.

Anyway, my role at work is quite simple which is to maintain the appearance that 'everything is under-control', to make certain that operations run smoothly, to fix any problems immediately, and that the workers are stable and supported.  I will take-on anything extra to make this happen as we need every one of us to make it through the day and each and every one of us is expected to 'tough it out'. 

So allowing oneself to be overcome by stress is NOT an option.  In fact, those that can't handle the stress or are consistently negative are seen as separate from the group and are removed 99% of the time.

My way of handling stress is to separate myself from it completely. I do not allow myself to consider stressful events/moments as having any consequence to me and thus I will push it outward/away from me and say to myself, "I don't have time for this," or "I am better than this. I am above this," and suppress the stress.

When I am at home, I repeat the same pattern.  I tell myself that I must be strong, that I cannot go down, and that I must project myself as calm, stable, and flexible because I believe that this is what I must be for others.  I have not allowed myself the time to look at my stress and figure out why I experience stress with just about everything in my life as well as to realize the constant state of conflict that I exist in.  In-fact, I may have not seen it at all if it weren't for the assistance and support that was given to me when I became aware of the physical consequences of my stress.

Day 114: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 14

Why would I write out a Pros & Cons list before making a decision?



Here I am writing Self-Commitment Statements from Self-Correction and realizations within my process of reviewing my Journey To Life - Day 2.


I commit myself to stopping ignoring, denying, rejecting and/or polarizing points that I see as BAD by embracing the BAD/negative/wrong that exists within and as me and within this facing, assist and support myself through the process of facing, becoming equal-to, and standing within these points with the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.


Within this, I commit myself to stop suppressing the physical pain/discomfort when and as recall memories/experiences by allowing myself to actually experience the pain/discomfort so that I communicate with my physical body about my reactions which will assist and support me within my investigation of myself.


I commit myself to stopping myself from retreating/escaping into my mind where I can go blank/fuzzy/numb by redirecting myself to here in my physical body in breath.

I commit myself to stop trying to find/prove the GOOD in me when I am faced with the BAD by simply stopping because I am aware of when I am doing this.


I commit myself to stopping myself from connecting my behaviors to the Word BAD.  Specifically, within this Journey To Life Review of Day 2: Self-Commitment To Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud, I commit myself to remove any more negative judgements that come up within and as this point and to stopping myself from re-connecting Not Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud to FAILURE and as something BAD by continuing to assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction when/as/if this point resurfaces.

I commit myself to stop telling myself, "I am FINE!" and/or "There is no reason for me to experience myself negatively." When I slow myself down and actually hear myself, I am aware that I am doing this - so, first, to live this commitment, I work on slowing myself with breathing, stopping this, "I Am Fine" and/or "There is no reason to experience myself negatively," and then going back to see/investigate the process that got me here.  When and as I find my core-source-origin point, I use the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction to release myself from having to tell myself 'I Am Fine'.


I commit myself to no longer allow myself to step into my mind character/personality of I Am Curious as I see, realize, and understand that this is irresponsible and the amount of stress that I put on my body is intense which is a consequence of myself being in-conflict with myself.  I will live this self-commitment by instead of allowing myself to react to something I don't know (or that I tell myself might be fun), I stop, and direct myself to sit and write out the PROS and CONS before I move within a decision.  As an additional level of support, I self-forgive any reactions that come up within my PROS and CONS list to make certain that I am clear before I move.


I commit myself to stop judging myself with the personalities of those that I have known - I see, realize, and understand that I have stored/learned/programmed myself with others personalities from a point of fear of not surviving, being bullied, not being liked, and not fitting in - which, the consequences of this is that I have taken away my freedom to explore myself and myself physically in my world within and as my own expression - instead of caving-in, placing myself in-conflict, wearing myself down, begging for forgiveness outside of myself, beating myself up, and allowing myself to fall - I STAND.  I face the personalities/characters that I have allowed to exist within and as me and I sort out WHO each personality is, WHY I use them against/for myself, HOW I am allowing these to influence me in my decision-making process, and WHY I fear losing these specific personalities - in this sorting out process, I will use the tools of writing and self-forgiveness and then self-correction and self-commitments where I see that I can change. 

Day 113: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 13

Why do I tell myself that I am fine?

Here I am writing Self-Correction from realizations within my process of reviewing my Journey To Life - Day 2.






When and as I see myself ignoring, denying, rejecting, and/or polarizing a point that I am faced with because I have connected the point to being BAD/negative/wrong, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that if I do not stop, breath, face the point, and become equal-to what I do not like about myself and/or what exists within and as me, that my pattern of separating myself from my physical body, blankness, and searching for something GOOD within an experience/memory prevents me from ever actually changing my starting point of having a BAD experience - and within this, because I do not become equal-to and change my starting point, my pattern continues over-and-over-and-over again.  So, instead of ignoring, denying, rejecting, and/or polarizing a point, I re-direct myself to embrace the BAD/negative/wrong that exists within and as me and assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction to release myself from the reactions that I use as a trigger to separate, not take responsibility for, and to not change.

When and as I experience physical pain/uncomfortableness from memories/experiences, I do not suppress the pain and I do not hide within my mind where I can make myself numb.  I support myself within and as the pain with breathing and direct myself to investigate the what my thought was that triggered my GUILT and/or SHAME as I see, realize, and understand that in this moment I have an opportunity to change myself and my living so I embrace the moment, explore the connections, and push myself to get to my core/source/origin point.  Within this, I direct myself to assist and support myself with the tools of writing and self-forgiveness to realize myself, how I function and why I do what I do and thus work on a solution to change with the tools of self-correction and self-commitment.

When and as I see myself searching through my memories to find reasons/data/proof for why I am GOOD/positive/right, I STOP.  I see, realize, and understand that I am about to complete the cycle of not taking responsibility for myself as I am seeking out reasons, justifications, excuses and/or flat-out lies to ease myself from my negative experience of myself instead of changing myself so that I no longer have to tell myself that I'm not BAD and/or that any negativity does not exist within/withoutside of me.  Instead of making a cover-up story, I re-direct myself, again, to breath and go backwards through my mind process of WHY I saw myself as having to flee from the scene, WHY I judged myself so harshly, and WHY I needed to provide proof/come up with a story that I could show myself why I am not only innocent but also righteous.

I commit myself to facing the things/events/scenarios/experiences/memories that I tell myself are BAD/wrong, negative/unforgivable - to take responsibility for my mistakes and to vigilantly work on removing myself from my pattern of: thought/experience/memory -> shame/guilt/fear -> escape/separation -> excuses/reasoning/justification/lies/positive-affirmations that keeps me locked into my mind and my self-interest.  I commit myself to discovering my triggers that initiate my patterns/programmed responses.  I live up to these self-commitments to myself by breathing, slowing myself, going back-wards through my processes and using the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

When and as I see that I am connecting NOT speaking self-forgiveness out-loud to BAD, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that when I connect my behaviors or lack of certain behaviors to BAD, that I am setting myself up for failure as I will manifest a negative experience within/as my relationship with myself and my process.  Within this, when and as I see that I am connecting BAD to my behaviors or lack of behaviors, I re-direct myself to investigate the connections and then trace the origins of my programming as to WHY I have set myself up in this way and from here, I assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

When and as I see myself laughing at myself for my reactions and telling myself that, "I am FINE!" and/or "There was no reason for me to experience myself in this way!", I stop and I see that it is too late and I have completed the cycle of my abdication of myself.  I breath, bring myself back to here, and re-trace the details of my pattern.  I investigate why/where I was not effective in my application and self-correct myself.

When and as I see that I am about to step into my I Am Curious Character as indicated by myself 'Not Knowing' for sure the outcome/answer and thus I begin considering ways that I could find out and/or prove something to myself and others WITHOUT considering the consequences which is additionally indicated by me moving really fast and becoming agitated by outside distractions, I STOP.  I breath.  I slow myself down.  I direct myself to sit and write PROS and CONS of the decision that I am considering making and following through with.  I am now aware of the amount of stress that I put on my physical body when I possess myself with this character as I bounce back and forth between 'I should'-'I shouldn't'-'I should'-'I shouldn't'-'I SHOULD!' and that it requires several hours after the matter to get myself and my physical body stable again.  So within considering what is best for my self-development AND my physical body, I see, realize, and understand that writing out my decisions and moving in the direction that I find is best is absolutely required.
 
When and as I see myself reacting to and/or fleeing from the judgements that I have connected to the personalities that I have stored within me as memories, I stop!  I breath, slow down and study these personalities - why did I store/learn/program myself with these specific personalities and images?  Why do I keep these personalities within and as me even though I am not in-contact with most of them outside of my mind?  Why do I use these personalities to judge myself? Why do I use these personalities to hide from the negativity of myself?  How are these personalities influencing my decisions and my every day living? Why am I afraid that these people are 'going to get rid of me for good this time'? -- I see, realize, and understand that I have been running away from this judgmental group of dissonant personalities and pretending as though these are of no consequence because I don't like what they're saying. Instead of running, I re-direct myself to stand, face myself as my accusers, write them out, and self-forgive. 

Day 112: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 12

 How do I trap myself in my mind?


Within my Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Not Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud, this is what I've found:

When I see something as BAD it is a trigger for myself to ignore, deny, reject, and polarize that which I am seeing as BAD.

When I participate in a behavior that I see as BAD I experience GUILT.  The experience of GUILT is physically painful so I separate myself from my GUILT - I detach myself from my physical body and go into my mind where I can be blank and numb.

Within and as this blankness is where the excuse, justification, and lie of, "I don't know," and/or "I forgot," exists because I interpret myself as 'forgetting' or 'not knowing' when I do not get information as pictures from my mind.

When and as I see blankness and tell myself that "I don't know," and/or "I forgot," I will go back through my memories in search of things that I can identify about myself and my experiences that are GOOD and I will laugh-off the BAD, the guilt, the not-knowing, and the forgetfulness and tell myself, "I'm FINE!  What was all that guilt about? Geesh."

Instead of facing the things that I see as BAD, taking responsibility for mistakes, removing the triggers, and redirecting myself within self-correction, I have allowed the pattern of guilt, escape, excuses/justifications/lies, and being positive to keep myself locked into myself as my mind.

Bringing this point back to my not Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud, what happens is that I literally self-sabotage myself because I made a self-commitment to say my self-forgiveness out-loud to assist myself in releasing myself with sound - I tell myself that NOT doing this is BAD and that it will slow down my process.  Additionally, if I do not live up to my self-commitments, this is BAD too.  So, if I tell myself that not Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud equals BAD which I will manifest as a real experience within and as me with negative emotions which then I will then enter into my pattern of self-sabotage that leads to myself not living up to my self-commitments, laughing it off, and telling myself, "I don't need to say self-forgiveness out-loud all the time!  That's just silly and impractical.  I'm fine." - I like THIS voice, much better.

And then within my I Am Curious Character that saw while working on this review, I found and an additional layer of protection to keep myself locked into place which is I have defined 'Not Knowing' as BAD where I connect Not Knowing to abusive experiences that I have stored within my memories. I become very uncomfortable with myself and so I will trigger my I Am Curious Character/personality which is fun and thus I am able to experience myself more positively.  Within this character/personality possession, I direct myself within and toward a desired outcome of finding an answer, proving to myself that I knew all along, or doing something where I will see/prove to others how the world in-fact functions.  Because the energy build-up is so massive from the conflict within myself from bad-to-good over-an-over again - I tell myself that I cannot stop myself and that I must see this through - even if/when/as I see that BAD things could result.  My heart races, my physical expression goes from 'zippy' to 'agitated' over-and-over-again, and I experience my skin as opening, breathing, standing-up, and living - I 'feel' alive.  When the dust has settled, the outcome of this personality possession typically compromises my self-development and changes nothing for the best within myself and my world - instead, I have created yet another negative experience for myself to store as BAD within and as me for future pattern triggering.



What is really interesting within my process of self-observation is the huge amount of others voices I have stored in my memories. Wow.  I can recall personalities, spoken works, actions, and judgements of every human that I have gotten to know.  And when I do something that I question myself as, "Is this BAD?", I will gang up on myself with these personalities with their judgements and show myself over-and-over again how these people will react to me making a mistake.  For those personalities that are currently in my life or somehow nearby, I will show myself how each person will reject/leave me 'for good' this time.

 

Day 111: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 9

By MFM Art

Day 110: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 8, Day 108: Journey To Life - Day 2 - Part 7,  Day 107: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 6,  Day 106: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 5, Day 105: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 4,  Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3, Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2.

Consequence Dimension:

I see, realize, and understand the consequences of me accepting and allowing myself to follow my mind curiosity where I give into my desire for knowledge and information which leads to myself placing myself in situations that it would be best to not compromise myself and/or others in - when and as I am in this energy possessed state, I do not consider how my actions and/or words will effect myself, my self-development and others outside of myself.  Within this, because my starting point is from desire, I often lead myself to that 'place of no return' where if I have a moment of clarity I will continue doing what I have decided to do because I have already set myself in-motion - here, I begin experiencing a great amount of regret which I try to cover-up by justifying my motivation as being 'what's best' when it's really not.  Instead of allowing myself to stand up and say, "No - I'm not going there," I continue to stay in my pattern of taking the bait, going on an energy high, compromising myself, reacting in fear, covering up the negativity of myself that emerges, telling myself that my actions have no consequence/effect on myself and others, and then continuing the cycle again.

And so, I see, realize, and understand the Consequences that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring into my world and to myself as a result of me giving into an energy high addiction and then try to hide my fear, guilt, and regret with my 'It's going to be fine' character personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself without consideration for myself and my relationship with others into a 'place of no return' where instead of taking this moment as an opportunity to change where I make a decision that considers the outcome for myself and my relationship with myself and others, I placed my desires/wants/needs as imagined positive energy experiences that I created in my mind before physical, practical reality.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop this behavior pattern when and as I first saw the consequences during the first time that I participated in my mind curiosity where I could have woken up immediately and realized what I am doing to myself, my own life, and my relationships with others and from here, immediately made the decision to no more accept and allow it but to stick to my self-commitment to change, establish self-trust, and be a person with integrity.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to change and instead manipulate myself with reactions of fear, regret, and guilt from where I create another character personality as the 'It's Going To Be Fine' and within this character personality blame others outside of myself in response to the voices in my head as, "Deal with it," without seeing, realizing, and understanding that I am in-fact angry and frustrated with myself for doing something that could compromise my integrity and my relationship with others because I did not stop, slow myself down, and consider all of the consequences of my desired actions before making a decision to follow-through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within and as my curiosity and continue to abdicate my responsibility and 'play naive/dumb' within this behavior when I know exactly what I am doing, accepting, and allowing - and further more how I go to the extent of blaming others 'for not allowing me to be free do what I want' and create additional characters of 'It's Going To Be Fine' and 'Deal With it' - rather than face the situation self-honestly and the consequences that I've manifested.  Instead of taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in, I hide within and as my mind.

Will continue.

Day 110: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 8

 

In this blog, I will be walking the Fear Dimension of my Curious Character.  For the other dimensions walked thus far, see: Day 108: Journey To Life - Day 2 - Part 7. And to see how I got to here, read  Day 107: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 6,  Day 106: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 5, Day 105: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 4,  Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3, Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be in an uncomfortable situation if I do not have the answers when and as a question is asked of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences and/or potential outcomes within which I will experience myself if I do not have the answers when I am asked a question.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not survive or that I will not make through to the next moment if I do not have the answers when I am asked a question.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go on a relentless search for knowledge and information within which I have directed from a point of fear rather than from a point of real curiosity to understand and explore myself and my world.

Also, as I have walked this point I see that many times my curiosity stemmed from my fear of death and the afterlife where I became completely obsessed with and  possessed by desire, want, and need to 'know' what to expect when I die or to try to find a way for myself to be taken care of in the after-life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct my curiosity toward myself in the future because I fear the unknown.  I have allowed myself to become possessed by this fear and within and as this, I do not see, realize, nor understand that this is my mind fearing what cannot be controlled as well as my mind keeping me in the future so that I do not realize myself here.

Next, I will walk the Consequence Dimension.

In this blog, I will be walking the dimensions of my Curious Character.  To see how I got to here, read  Day 107: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 6,  Day 106: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 5, Day 105: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 4,  Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3, Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/#sthash.quyBo3P4.dpuf