Day 122: How Could You Do This To Me?? -- Self-Correction

Traumatic Event 1 - Part 3

Day 120: How Could You Do This To Me?
Part 2 - Day 121: Self-Forgiveness 
In this blog, I am walking Day 122: Self-Correction



When and as I see that I am playing-out memories of past traumatic events and experiences, I stop.  I see, realize and understand that I am replaying these memories so that I can re-live myself being hurt, angry and vulnerable to show myself how/why others cannot be trusted and counted for support.  Instead of projecting myself within/as/from my past onto others, I bring these points of self-communications back to myself where I take responsibility rather than saying, "How could you do this to me?" which is blame and fleeing away.

When and as I see that I'm recalling my past experiences to show myself or to prove to myself that I am a bad person, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that I cannot change my experiences in the past nor can I change who/what I was.  I remind myself that the past does not define who/what I am and that who/what I am can be determined here in breath where I remove what is bad and keep what is good.

When and as I see that I am going into my history to try out different 'if-then' scenarios where I try to correct past mistakes with, "If I had done THIS, then THAT would have happened," I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that when I do this I am programming myself for a future response that will be within/as my own self-interest - additionally within this, I see that this is in-part of how I create desire within and as myself where I fear that I will miss out on an opportunity for myself to live out my 'if-then' imaginations.  I see that breaking myself of the 'if-then' habit will assist and support me in breaking free from my patterns, programming, and stopping myself from becoming different characters/personalities.

When and as I see that I am attempting to force others into my definitions of what they 'should be' depending on what role they have in my living, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that this not only creates unreal expectations of others but that it also creates conflict within and outside of myself.

When and as I see that I am waiting for or expecting some sort of an apology and/or sorry-ness from another outside of myself, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that this is pointless and that I can not control what others do or say.  Instead of trying to control others with a single-point that I'm obsessing over, I re-direct myself to bring that point back to myself where I self-forgive and self-correct as I see, realize, and understand that the only being that I can move/direct/change is myself.

When and as I see that I am looking outside of myself for another to provide a pre-defined/imagined safety, caring, and relationship of trust, I stop.  Instead of expecting, hoping, and/or desiring for another to give me safety, caring, and/or a relationship of trust, I continue to investigate ways of giving these to myself and to support a solution that will give all the opportunity to do the same.

Day 115: How Am I Currently Living With and Directing Stress?

I'm pausing my Journey To Life Review to have a look at Traumatic Events and Stresses.  Within this, I will be writing about Traumatic Events and Stress, how I reacted to these events, what my energy experience was, how I made myself feel in my Mind, how I changed as a result, and how I can change now to no longer accept and allow the past to determine who I am.

To begin, I will be answering the question: How am I currently living with and directing Stress?



I work in an intense, high-stress industry where there is little time for re-directing oneself to stabilize oneself during the day where a day can be anywhere between 5 and 12 hours of non-stop physical movement within an extremely unstable physical, mental, and emotional environment.  Despite this, it is absolutely required that I be positive, up-beat, energetic, fun, in-control, pleasing, flexible and able to direct in any given moment/under any circumstances because I work one-on-one with the public and I manage a team of others that are within the same stresses and environment that I must keep stable in-order to get done what we must get done and in the way that we must do it to ensure that we exceed the expectations of the public.  

To be honest, my role is something that I get a great deal of satisfaction and pleasure from because we consistently provide satisfaction and pleasure to the public and in-turn, this is reflected back to those I work with at the end of the day as 'a job well-done' as well as profit in their pocket.

Anyway, my role at work is quite simple which is to maintain the appearance that 'everything is under-control', to make certain that operations run smoothly, to fix any problems immediately, and that the workers are stable and supported.  I will take-on anything extra to make this happen as we need every one of us to make it through the day and each and every one of us is expected to 'tough it out'. 

So allowing oneself to be overcome by stress is NOT an option.  In fact, those that can't handle the stress or are consistently negative are seen as separate from the group and are removed 99% of the time.

My way of handling stress is to separate myself from it completely. I do not allow myself to consider stressful events/moments as having any consequence to me and thus I will push it outward/away from me and say to myself, "I don't have time for this," or "I am better than this. I am above this," and suppress the stress.

When I am at home, I repeat the same pattern.  I tell myself that I must be strong, that I cannot go down, and that I must project myself as calm, stable, and flexible because I believe that this is what I must be for others.  I have not allowed myself the time to look at my stress and figure out why I experience stress with just about everything in my life as well as to realize the constant state of conflict that I exist in.  In-fact, I may have not seen it at all if it weren't for the assistance and support that was given to me when I became aware of the physical consequences of my stress.