Day 73: I Have Everything - Part 3

 

On Day 70: I Have Everything, I investigated my Fears in-relation to the point of Having Everything.  On Day 71: I Have Everything - Part 2, I continued with Thoughts and in this blog I'm looking at the Imagination Dimension in relation to points that came to the surface when writing this point.

Imagination

I imagine that everything that I have in my home is neat, organized, clean and in the same place every time.  To me, this is perfection that I can live, be comfortable, relax and breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my imagination set the standard of the 'perfect home' where everything within the home is neat, organized, clean, and in the same place every time - always.  I have not see, realized, nor understood that I have set an expectation of myself that I have not come close to achieving since I was between the ages of 22 and 25.  Because I -was- able to achieve that which was what I saw as a 'close to perfect' home in my past, I keep going back to my past and trying to re-create my past so that I can again experience the comfortableness that I had at that moment in time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience frustration, confusion, anger, and blame because I have not been able to get my home back to the 'way it was' many years ago.  And within this, I have continually made it so that I cannot have a 'simple', organized, and clean home because I must 'have everything'.  

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I tell myself that I 'need' everything because many years ago, I gave up my perfectly organized home where I had 'everything that I needed', threw-out/gave-away/sold most of my belongings, and had to start over from scratch where instead of picking out only what I needed or working with what I had - I kept buying stuff and or accepting stuff from others because I was trying to re-build the life that I once had.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that because after I 'gave up' my home/belongings and began the process of re-establishing myself in a different location with 'nothing', that I learned to accept 'hand-outs' - no matter what these hand-outs were - and thus, even after I re-established myself, I experienced an obligation to others to 'take their stuff' and to express appreciation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to store pictures within my mind of rooms where there is barely nothing in them aside a bed, a chair, a lamp, and one or two random objects - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attached this picture of bare rooms to the thoughts of, "That is a perfect space with no more than what one needs.  That is how I would like my spaces to be. By today's standards, the persons living in that home would be seen as 'poor' ... but it's so simple.  I wish I could live like that," and then the negative as, "It's not possible ... it would take too much work and my family would not be happy ... so I am stuck with all this stuff," that I turn into a positive, "Anything is possible.  I will work on it!  I can do this!"  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I am trying to do something to my home and my living that is not realistic - I live in 2012 and live with two other beings who do not 'see' what I imagine as a 'perfect home' as being their 'perfect home' - in-fact, they are comfortable being surrounded by things and collections of things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to impress pictures, images, and memories of the past onto my present and future living environment instead of being here, breathing here, and seeing who I am within the relationships that I have connected to all of the objects in my home.

When and as I see that I am super-imposing past pictures, images, and memories of environments onto my present and future environment, I stop.  I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that it's best for me to be present within my present with the presents I have as a present to myself.  

I commit myself to stop projecting the past and/or imagined pictures onto my present living environment as I see, realize, and understand that it does not exist and instead, work on bringing myself here in breath as the moment of breath is all that is real.

I commit myself to bring the points as objects in my environment back to myself where I investigate these points, determine if these points are what's best, and keep and/or remove these points as required within what's best.  Within this, I use the tools of self-forgiveness for the objects within my home as I sort through Everything to determine what 'stays' and what I 'let go of' and from here, walk the process of removal of objects as required.

Day 72: I Have Everything - Part 2

ART by Rozelle Destonian De Lange

On day 70: I Have Everything, I investigated my Fears in-relation to the point of Having Everything.  Here I am continuing with Thoughts.

Thoughts

- A person in my immediate life walking through the door and seeing that the house is messy or that I haven't completed my 'chores' - they are disappointed, begin questioning me, and then become extremely angry.

- Same person is anxious before guests come into the home: will clean for a day or two if someone is coming into the house that they do not 'know', uncomfortable about 'neat people' coming to visit, nervous/defensive/embarrassed/apologetic if someone drops by unexpectedly and they haven't cleaned.

- Before I was 5 or 6, we didn't have much 'stuff' and life seemed easier and simpler.  As I got older and stuff accumulated, it was time-consuming to maintain and distracting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to another coming into my home because I see that I am not 'good enough', that I haven't 'done enough' and that they will find a flaw in my housework and demonstrate/communicate their disappointment, begin questioning me but not listening to my answers and thus become angry - I do not like experiencing myself as not good enough, as disappointing others, not 'knowing' the 'right' answers or as insecure within having no control over what another says or does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to my home being 'messy'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to the 'stuff' in my house - because the more 'stuff' that I have, the more 'stuff' I have to worry about making sure it's in order and the higher the 'risk' of myself experiencing myself as anxious, nervous, distracted, and insecure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nervous, anxious, distracted, insecure, frustrated and/or angry when someone gives me a 'gift' that is not something that I would use every day because I see the gift as 'yet another thing' for me to have to be responsible for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be come angry when others get me gifts or 'stuff' that I do not 'use everyday' because I have connected gifts and stuff that I don't use everyday to more work and less Time - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect anger and frustration to the 'stuff' in my home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience being overwhelmed and depressed with the stuff in my house because I just don't know what to do with it all - additionally, I fear 'giving it away' or 'getting rid of it' because there may come a day when I will need it and in the moment that I need it and if I don't have it when I need it, I will have to buy another one or go without. Additionally, I experience guilt when I see myself giving/selling 'stuff' to others because I don't want them to have to go through the same negativity that I am in connection with 'stuff' as I see it as 'pawning it off' on others.

When and as I see that I am becoming overwhelmed with not knowing 'what to do' with the objects in my home as indicated by the frustration, blame, and anger I am projecting on these objects and thus my going into a pattern of avoidance so that I do not have to experience the frustration, blame, anger, and overwhelming-ness, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that within this I am perpetuating a pattern and if I remain in this pattern that nothing will change - that if I do not look at my anger, frustration, and blame self-honestly by bringing these points back to myself that I will continue to experience myself as overwhelmed, not get anything done, and not push to make improvements within my life, my environment, and my world.

So, in self-honesty and bringing the frustration, blame, and anger back to myself instead of projecting these experiences on to objects:
I see, realize, and understand that I am frustrated and angry with myself for not meeting the unreal expectations I have set for myself in relation to sorting myself, my environment, and my world out.  This is not going to happen over-night - this is going to take years - and in-fact, it could take me longer than others because of the choices that I have made within my career, the lives that I am responsible for, my network, and my home - this is my life, this is my reality.
 

I commit myself to be patient with myself and to not 'rush' my process by moving myself to sort myself, my reality, my environment, and my world with moments and days instead of hours of Time on a clock as my process of self-support is one point that I can move in this way.

I commit myself to stopping my pattern of becoming overwhelmed by stopping my participation in the avoidance of frustration, anger, and blame-back-chat by instead, re-directing myself to self-forgive my frustration, anger, and blame-back-chat and within this, take responsibility for myself within these points so that I can actually make a change and/or make some progress with myself and my environment.

When and as I experience anxiety as a reaction to the thought of a family member visiting my home, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that this is a reaction to judging myself and thus a fear of embarrassment that I have adopted from others' experiences of themselves within my world.  There is no realistic grounds for this judgement and fear to exist upon - and further, WHO exactly came up with this rule that my house has to look a certain way in order for me to be accepted? And WHY am I perpetuating this rule when it's obvious that it sucks?

I commit myself to no longer accept nor perpetuate the Rule that One's House Must Look A Certain Way and to instead, move myself to get done what needs to get done to ensure that my home is safe and comfortable.

I commit myself to remove the judgements of myself living within my home and thus remove the judgements of how others live in their homes by self-forgiving the points that come up within my daily process in relation to how a home is 'supposed' to look and why.  

Additionally, as I explore the point now, I see that I am looking at a point of competition as well, where if my home is cleaner than another than I experience a 'good feeling' about myself - this is not cool. Why is it that I need a 'good feeling' and why must I place myself as 'better' than and 'above' another to get it?

 This will continue with the Imagination Dimension.

Day 71: Preventing Time-Related Stress

I will continue with 'I Have Everything - Part 2' in the next blog.

For the moment, I'm sharing an experience that I had this weekend.

A childhood friend of mine invited me to her parents house for some 'girls time away'.  An over-night adventure turned into over 24-hours of just 'chilling out' for me.  My friend has a little girl close to my son's age so the kids played which allowed me to move freely - it was quite awesome.  I did not watch the time - I set no limits as to where I needed to be a certain time and when I observed myself putting a rush on myself, I stopped, I breathed, and I remained where I was.  We ate when we wanted to eat, we drank when we wanted to drink, we all moved within what interested us in moments - not necessarily the same interests, but we were together.  It was very cool.  I noticed that I became clear, stable, and focused and my learning process expanded - like, there was this vast open space within me that was limitless.  I also saw that I was moving slowly and when I saw that I was speeding up, I would slow myself back down as this is how the others around me were moving.

When I came home, I was clear and I was still moving slow - so clear and so slow in-fact that there was a change - first, I noticed that I wasn't chewing on my right 'ring' fingernail nor my pinky and second, the ringing in my ears was gone.  This lasted for awhile until I began putting the pressure on myself to write/respond-to emails, get my blog entry done because I haven't shared the past couple of days, be with my partner, and communicate with another that I'm in conflict with.  At this point, the ringing in my left ear came back almost immediately.

So, I've been walking this time point for awhile and within the past 24 hours, I've come to see, realize, and understand what my life could actually be like if I remove this stressor.  Additionally, all should have the opportunity to experience themselves in this way - everyday of our life.  In one moment of all making the decision to support and implement an Equal Money System, this could be done.  Imagine the potential of the human within this - for me, it's mind-blowing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand what life could in-fact be without the stress I put myself as my mind and body within/through via my reacting to a time clock.  I have not seen how simplified my life could be when and as I 'let go of time' because I have feared that if I 'let go of time' that I will 'lose time' or that I will lose myself within time - and this is not true.

Why, as a group, have we accepted and allowed ourselves to place ourselves within/through this stress of having to be somewhere at all times and by a specific time on a 'dead-line'?

Why have I accepted and allowed this?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by an object/number/calculation outside of myself that I have separated myself from as a Clock and Time because I have accepted and allowed the System of Time that has been passed onto me from those that I have gone before me within the belief that if I do not agree with and/or comply with this system, that I will not survive in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a failure, being unable to provide for myself and those I care about, and being seen as 'lazy' and not a part of the group if I was to not agree with and comply to time within my definition of what is required to survive and/or be successful within the world systems of money and relationships.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the prevention, for the moment, that I can give myself within and as my relationship to time is to stop my fear of losing time with writing and self-forgiveness; and then with re-directing myself within a commitment to breath and slow myself down as stress-prevention for myself.

When and as I see that I am rushing - that my thoughts/mind/body/movements are speeding, I stop.  I breath.  I slow myself and bring myself back to myself to where I am in a moment - I am here.  I see, realize, and understand that I am doing myself and others a great disservice by allowing myself to be distracted by time and that if I am watching a clock or thinking about where I have to be and for what reasons, that I am not here - I am instead, trying to get out of here and thus living in the future and this is not cool. 

I commit myself to the prevent myself from reacting to time by breathing and self-forgiving myself for the thoughts/reactions/back-chats/imaginings that come up within my mind and then re-direct myself to bring myself back to myself as me here and present.

I commit myself to not only gift myself with the prevention of stress in relation to time but to also show others that there is a gift that we can give each other as all which is an Equal Money System that will put an end to this rushing to meet deadlines to survive/avoid being seen as a failure.

 

Day 70: I Have Everything - Part 1

ART By Anna BrixThomsen

I have everything that I need and more than I want.  My home is filled with stuff.  It's everywhere.  And a great amount of my Time has be spent on organizing, moving, getting rid of, and getting more stuff. When I throw stuff out, give stuff away, or move stuff where I do not have to see it, it always comes back to the same - piled up somewhere.  Even if I am not out buying stuff, stuff always ends up here - I'm constantly given stuff.  It's distracting to me.  And what I want more than anything is to simply have a clear, well-organized space that's easy to maintain. But ... this stuff just won't go away ...

Self-Forgiveness for this point will be for the relationships that I have created/connected to this stuff as a whole.

Fear

- That I will die and all of this stuff will be left behind that I never sorted through - an thus, another will be responsible for sorting through what I could not get done myself.
- That others will visit my home and label me as a 'messy, lazy person' and a 'bad mom' for not creating a clean, organized space for my child to grow in 100% of the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not have enough time in my life to sort through myself, organize myself, and become responsible for myself/my world - and instead of seeing that I am speaking to myself about my fears and thus give myself an opportunity to become equal-to this fear, I projected this fear onto my environment as 'stuff' where I blamed all the stuff in my environment/home/living-space because it was easier to distract myself with 'stuff' outside of myself, react to it, and become overwhelmed within it as I exist in my mind only rather than bringing the 'stuff' back to myself  and seeing my relationship with myself within my relationship to 'stuff'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am judging myself as a 'messy, lazy person' and a 'bad mom' as indicated to me by my projection onto myself as others as me.  Instead of stopping, breathing, and becoming equal-to this blame-projection with writing and self-forgiveness for where this 'messy, lazy person' and 'bad mom' relationship connection to an unorganized home originated from within my experiences, I accepted, I allowed it, I became it, and I tried to enforce it/impress it upon others so that I did not have to change.

When and as I see that I am becoming tired, overwhelmed, worried, and/or rushed to organize my home because I am anxious and hurrying to avoid any future embarrassment, I stop. I breath. I slow myself down and I see, realize and understand that 1) death is going to come when it comes - I have no control over this nor do I have control over the reactions of others to what I may have left behind as done or not done - I do what I can with what time that I have and running around worrying, being tired, overwhelmed, hurried, rushed, and/or anxious to prepare for my death is not living, it's preparing to die; and 2) When I do die/leave my physical body and face my 'Creator'/myself, I would like to see that I was a life worth living and I would not like to see that I was a life of self-inflicted energetic reactions.

When and as I see that I am judging myself as a 'messy, lazy person' and a 'bad mom', I stop.  I breath.  I baaaaaaack it up.  I see, realize, and understand that I am enforcing/impressing on myself and others my programming within the fear that if I do not support this programming and thus 'keep myself and others in check', that I will lose myself as a my positive definition of/as a 'neat freak' because I 'can't stand messes' and that 'I care about the health and well-being of others living with me'.  This is a polarity trap that I have set for myself to keep me locked in and not questioning the system/myself as a system where I tell myself that a mom that doesn't have the 'perfect' house is bad mom and within this, try to make myself better by becoming my positive definition of a 'good mom' and a 'good person' which includes having a 'perfectly clean and organized home'.

I commit myself to stop preparing myself to die and instead focus on being a life which I will do by breathing and being present here.

I commit myself to no longer accepting allowing my 'Perfect Mom-Perfect Person-Perfect Home' character and system programming to exist within and as me - I will show myself that this character/system programming is unrealistic as I investigate with Self-Forgiveness and then re-direct myself as a Real Mom-Real Person living in a Real Home. And within this, I commit myself to no longer impress this character/system programming on to others but to instead share practical, common sense direction.

Continuing with Self-Forgiveness for Thoughts in next entry.

Day 69: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 7

ART By Anna Brix Thomsen

This blog is continued Self-Correction from:
Day 68: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 6
Day 67: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 5

For context, see writing and Self-Forgiveness within:
Day 66: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 4
Day 65: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 3
Day 64: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 2
Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You

"The fear you experience is not in-fact real – if you'd remove it you wouldn't miss it – it doesn't give you food, shelter, clothes, or the ability to pursue your interests. Other people can't even see your fear as it's a completely subjective experience that exist only in you – and you make it real through basing your decisions according to the fear." - Viktor Persson

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I lose respect because of something that I have written or expressed, that I will lose my job which will open up an entirely 'new can of worms' as consequence including, but not limited to, having to change jobs.

When and as I attach fear of loss to my job or having to change jobs as indicated by my physical panic reaction, myself not breathing, and my mind speeding forward to the possibilities of 'what could be', I stop.  I breath. I see, realize and understand that I am creating this fear as a means to keep myself 'in-check', under-control, and on a specific path that does not give me the opportunity to realize myself - because if I am distracted by fear and motivated by fear I will not question myself, I will only react.  Additionally, I see, realize and understand that 'changing jobs' is nothing more than changing scenery where the picture is different but all within as myself are the same - all points to be walked.  Fearing changing jobs has never kept never kept me from changing jobs - so, this makes no sense for me to hold onto this point.  Further, I see, realize, and understand that what is fueling my fear of changing jobs is my fear of embarrassment, fear of lost time/personal-physical investment, my fear of failure, my fear of others seeing me as a failure, and thus, my fear of losing respect from others.  All fears - and the only person that is making these fears real is myself.

I commit myself to stopping myself from allowing myself to fear that I will lose a job or have to change jobs because of 'something I wrote' by practically seeing first, that if I need to be cautious within my system of survival that I will have indicators as I have witnessed this process; second, I trust myself to re-direct myself toward a solution that ensures that my system of survival remains stable; and third, in my world, job removal does not happen without several prior warnings and/or indicators - and again, within this, I will direct myself accordingly.

I commit myself to stop myself from fueling my fear of loss of respect with other fears by breathing, investigating myself, and becoming equal-to my fears with Self-Forgiveness.

I commit myself to slowing myself as my mind down as I have recently seen, realized, and understood that an indication of my mind racing forward is my experience of myself within a 'head blurr' and within this, I have practiced breathing to clear myself and this works - so, when I am in this blurry experience, I commit myself to not allowing myself to 'check-out', 'shut-down', and/or 'get caught within my thoughts' by breathing and thus clearing myself immediately.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear how others will react if I write and/or express something that could be seen and/or interpreted as disrespectful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'how others will react to if I write and/or express something that could be seen and/or interpreted as disrespectful' to fear - thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.



When and as I see that I am fearing being seen and/or interpreted as being disrespectful as indicated by myself experiencing myself as 'sorry', remorseful, regretful and/or panicking where I try to scurry and make 'it right again', I stop, I breath.  I see, realize and understand that this is my Fear of Loss that is connected to/a product of my Fear of Embarrassment and my Fear of Change - within this, I see, realize and understand that the core and/or connecting point of all of my fears is my Fear of Not Being In-Control - not being in-control of others, not being in-control of my environment, and not being in control of my self. 

I commit myself to freeing myself from this System of Fear as I see that it 'divides' me/separates me, breaks me apart, keeps me trapped within a continuous state of conflict and overwhelmed by the extensive amount of relationship connections that I have created between fear, other beings, my environment, and my self.  To bring this commitment into being, I commit myself to explore, self-forgive, and walk the correction of every one of these fear connections - as I committed myself to in the previous blog - by writing everything in my world and my connection/relationship to these things.

Let's see where it goes from here.

Day 68: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 6

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/search/label/bravery

My last blog was on Wednesday, November 28 and it is now Monday, December 3.  I was busy at work this past week preparing for a large event for 450 guests on Saturday where the work went into Sunday.  It is astounding to me how much time I 'lose' when I'm at work.  And time has been a point that I have been walking which I will share later.  For the moment, I'm picking up where I left off from:

Day 67: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 5

Which was Self-Correction from writing and Self-Forgiveness within:
Day 66: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 4
Day 65: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 3
Day 64: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 2
Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You

"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I lose respect, that I will not be able to 'show my face' in the the town that I live in, the city that I work in, and the places in my world that I frequently go to/like to go to - I fear that others in my environments will reject me, be afraid of me, be nervous around me, be uncomfortable around me, judge me, and 'look' at me as if to communicate that they think/see me as insane."

When and as I see that I am fearing showing who I am as what I stand for and as, I stop and I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that this has nothing to do with others and has everything to do with me - I am the only one that rejects me, I am the one that fears changing, I am the one that is nervous with myself and uncomfortable with being with myself, I am the one that judges me, and I am the one that communicates to myself that I must be fucking insane.  I commit myself to stop projecting my rejection, my fear, my nervousness, my uncomfortableness, my judgement, and myself seeing myself as insane onto others and using them as a point of blame and to stand within and as this commitment, I investigate these points as they come up within me and/or as I 'interpret' that these points are coming up outside of me and/or directed at me from outside of me - I do this in breath.  And from here, I assist and support myself to become equal-to these points with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'physical places and the people within those physical places' to my fear of losing respect and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

When and as I see that I am connecting a physical place with fear of loss, I stop.  I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that attaching a fear of loss to a place does not make a place 'mine', does not make a place 'safe', and does not keep the place from being removed or myself from being removed from a place - it changes nothing.  In-fact, I have seen, realized, and understood this via watching how the fear of loss actually works within this physical world in that - if I fear losing something, a place, a person, or whatever it is, I will eventually lose it so it makes no sense to hold onto this crap with fear.  Why do this to myself?  So, I commit myself to stop myself from making fear of loss connections with places, things, and people by first become aware of the relationship my connections with the 'things' in my life, one-by-one/moment-to-moment and then write these relationship connections out, day-to-day and a few pieces at a time - then self-forgive myself and give myself the gift of getting rid of all of this crap.

To be continued.

Day 67: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 5

'Characters Creating Anger' by Andrew Gable

For previous writing and Self-Forgiveness in relation to this blog, see:
Day 66: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 4
Day 65: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 3
Day 64: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 2
Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You

From here, I will be writing practical self-correction and self-commitments for self-forgiveness written for my fear of Loss of Respect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become nervous and anxious when 'friending' others from my world on Facebook because I fear that I will 'put them off', confuse them, or lose their respect before I've had a chance to earn it because I use Facebook of as a tool to share what's happening in the world, blogs, and Eqafe interviews.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see as my mind picture-movies of the non-Destonians in my world talking to others about how 'insane/crazy' I am, that what I am doing is 'screwed up'/not 'right', and/or negative - and I don't want to be seen as a 'negative nelly'.  Again, what is in-fact happening here is that I do not want to see how negative I actually am - I do not want to admit that there are days when I am convinced that I'm going nuckin'-futs, that nothing I'm doing is 'right', that I'm extremely negative, and that I am depressed.  Instead of taking responsibility for all of these experiences of myself, I am projecting myself onto others and interpreting those others as separate from me.

When and as I see myself becoming nervous, anxious, and/or worried about 'friending' others from my day-to-day, immediate world, as indicated to me by myself wanting to give others a 'heads up' that I share negative information on Facebook, I stop.  I breath.  I do not give in to myself narrating this fear of Loss of Respect for me and thus, I commit myself to not act/react/speak for/as/on-behalf of myself within my fear of Loss of Respect and instead, breath and simply accept a 'friendship request' and/or provide the information that another has requested so that they can connect/network with me.

When and as I see a picture of others in mind as 'talking about me' negatively where 'they' talk amongst themselves about me being 'insane/crazy' or that what I am doing is 'screwed up/not right', I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that this is me projecting how I see myself on to others - that, in that moment, I am telling myself that I see myself as insane, crazy, screwed-up, not right, and being negative and within seeing this, I commit myself to suppress this negativity with blaming, becoming angry/frustrated/enraged at others and then telling myself why I am positive and not negative, and to instead, stop, breath, and assist and support myself with self-forgiving myself for what I have negatively defined myself as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become nervous and anxious each time that I publicly share any of my blogs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become nervous and anxious each time that I discuss my blogs with others in my immediate world.

When and as I see that I am nervous, worried, and/or anxious when and as I share and/or discuss my Journey To Life, Honest Parent, and/or process blogs with others from my immediate world, I stop.  I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that I may be sharing/discussing points that I have not in-fact walked and/or become equal-to - and/or that I am re-acting to something within/as myself at that moment and within either of these possibilities, I commit myself to: Before posting a blog that I am struggling with and/or having a reaction to, to go back and re-read for any points that I have missed, have not yet walked, have not become equal-to and/or any reactions that I am trying to suppress and within this process, I commit myself to not share a blog unless I am clear of a reaction and to instead first walk and show myself that I am equal-to what I am sharing - and by giving this to myself I will remove self-doubt, the need to check myself with others, and establish a relationship of self-trust.  Additionally, when in discussion with another about my writing, I commit myself to stop myself from reacting and to instead, breath, not follow the direction of the inner-dialogue within my mind, be silent, and observe my reactions so that I may assist and support myself to write the self-forgiveness and self-correction for my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I have been focusing on and/or distracting myself with others reactions to/within my writing where instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that what I see as others reactions are in-fact my reactions that I am trying to ignore so that I do not have to take responsibility for myself and can continue to use others as a point of blame for my reactions.


When and as I see that, within my mind, I am playing out others reactions to me, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that I am distracting myself with others instead of bringing these points of reactions back to myself and that by allowing this, I am ignoring myself and not giving myself the opportunity to be/become equal-to and/or understand myself as how I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become.  Within this, I commit myself to stop blaming others for my reactions to myself by when seeing that I am blaming, to stop, breath, slow myself down and bring the reaction point(s) back to myself so that I can take responsibility for myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be thoroughly disappointed, angry, and distrustful of the humans in my world - but I do not give up.  And within this 'not giving up', I continue to try a 'different' angle or try to push and put myself 'out there' with a leap of faith. What I have not seen, realized, nor understood that by taking the 'leap of faith' that I am placing my trust in others instead of establishing a relationship of self-trust with myself.

When and as I see myself pushing myself to take a 'leap of faith' from a point of not trusting myself and not 'knowing' what's going to happen and so I place my trust and faith that others 'know' how to be responsible human beings, I stop and I see, realize, and understand that I am abdicating myself by 'putting myself in the hands of another' instead of taking responsibility and investigating myself thoroughly.  Additionally, I see, realize and understand that it makes no common sense for me to push/engage with others that I am reacting to with disappointment, anger and distrust because it gets me no where.  So, I commit myself to when I am seeing myself angry, disappointed, and distrustful of others, to not react, to not engage, and to not push myself by breathing, silencing myself, and bringing the points of anger, disappointment and distrust back to myself where I will assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and practical self-correction.  Additionally, I commit myself to stop myself from taking 'leaps of faith' by making sure that I am standing by/as/for what I am expressing with absolute certainty that what I am expressing is me, equal-to me as clear and stable within that which I am expressing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how others will react to what I share of myself - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety, worry, and stress as a reaction to imagining that others will react to my writing/sharing in disgust, discomfort, worry, misunderstanding, confusion, or the usual, "I read your blog.  I see what you're doing and it makes you happy.  I don't agree with it, though."  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself that I find this incredibly frustrating because when I start asking the 'in my world blog reader' questions in regards to their perspectives and observations, they can give me no logical, practical, real, honest answer than, 'it's the whole Desteni thing - I'm not into it.'

When and as I see that I am fearing how others react to me which is indicative of me experiencing an energy reaction of anxiety, worry, stress, imagining others relationship to me as me/as I would see my relationship to me as others, and/or anticipating that there will be conflict with others, I stop.  I commit myself to investigating my anxiety, worry, stress, misunderstanding, confusion, and disagreement with myself by writing out my relationships with others and thus finding myself.  I commit myself to practice being honest with myself instead of ignoring, suppressing, deflecting, and pawning my problems off on someone else - within this, I commit myself to giving myself logical, practical, real, and honest answers about myself with writing, investigating, self-forgiving, and requesting perspective/assistance/support when I am 'stuck'.