Day 139: How I Use Fear To Keep Me On Adderall

Here are self-correction and self-commitments for self-realizations from

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like The High.

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like the High

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like the High

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like the High

When and as I see that my application is not effective because I am not facing and/or dismissing the points that come up within communication with myself and others as indicated by myself justifying who I am and what I do, I see, realize and understand that I am cheating myself out of an opportunity to see myself as I am and thus not allowing myself the opportunity to change. I see, realize and understand that I must change – there is NO WAY OUT for me and there is NO GOING BACK – I have made the decision and the commitment to stand and within that, the only choice I have is to change and do what is best for/as all Life, including my own.

I commit myself to stop NOT facing myself, to stop dismissing points that come up within communication with myself and others, and to stop justifying myself for who I am and what I do by breathing, not taking communication with myself and others as personal, hearing, and then assisting and supporting myself to change with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

I commit myself to stop myself from looking for ‘another way’ or a ‘better way’ to walk my process and instead push as the group is pushing, and stand as the group is standing.

When and as I see myself not wanting to give up anything, I see, realize, and understand that I am communicating to myself about a self-interest that I am deliberately ignoring and/or putting off – this gets me no-where as I am cheating and deceiving myself and others. Additionally, I see, realize, and understand that I have been willing to abuse my body for a Reward of a Better Mood and Increased Stamina and thus, I have been abusing Life/Substance for a momentary High which is irresponsible, not cool and just plain ignorant.

I commit myself to giving up my self-interests by assisting and supporting myself to writing out, self-forgiving, and self-correcting myself for what I am deliberately ignoring and/or putting off what I do not want to give up.

I commit myself to stop myself from abusing, cheating, and taking off years of myself, my life, and my physical body/substance for the Rewards of Better Moods and Increased Stamina – starting first with stopping myself from taking Adderall, speed, energy drinks or energy/fat-burning/metabolism pills.

When and as I see that I am in a polarity cycle of negativity, positivity and neutrality as indicated by my ups, my downs, and then my balancing out with excuses and justifications, I commit myself to stop my participation in the polarity cycle and to assist and support myself by taking responsibility for myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction to release myself from these cycles/patterns.

When and as I see that I am abdicating myself as indicated by my backchat where I tell myself ‘I can’t …’ or see others outside of myself as ‘unable’, I stop. I see, realize and understand that no one is going to walk my process for me and that no one is going to make me walk my process. Additionally, I see, realize and understand that I am communicating to myself about my abdication of myself within the words of ‘Can’t …’ and ‘unable’.

I commit myself to stop deceiving and lying to myself about what I can’t or what I’m not able to do by investigating myself and looking honestly at what I have done, how far I come, where I want to be, what is required for me to get where I want to be and what is actually, for real, physically practical for me to accomplish and how I will accomplish my purpose/objective/goal.

I commit myself to developing/establishing a relationship of self-trust and self-understanding with myself by writing out my purposes/goals/objectives, what I can practically do to accomplish/complete my purposes, goals, and objectives, and then self-commit myself to move on/with my plan.

When and as I see that I am suppressing my anger as indicated by me physically grinding my teeth while telling myself that I’m not angry, that I am not sad, that I am above emotions, that I am clear, that I am stable, that I am focused, or any other positive affirmation, I stop. I see, realize and understand that my suppressing emotions only prolong my process. Additionally, I see, realize and understand that this suppression is having a detrimental effect on my body – I NEED MY TEETH and thus it is neither within my best interest nor my future survival for me to grind them down.

I commit myself to stop myself from suppressing my emotions by being aware of myself physically grinding my teeth and within this awareness, stopping, breathing, slowing myself down and walking myself backward through my thoughts and reactions – and from here, I commit myself to write out what’s ‘grinding my gears’ that I do not want to see/see myself as equal-to, self-forgiving myself for these suppressed thoughts and reactions, and then self-correcting myself as I now see, realize, and understand that I am giving myself a direct link to realizing myself and thus, I commit myself to exploring/realizing myself via this obvious mind to physical body suppression.

When and as I hear/see myself telling/showing myself that I am going to become fat because I am giving up something outside of myself, I see, realize, and understand that this is myself using one of my greatest fears against me as a way to keep myself from changing – I am using my fear of being fat/being physically big, round, bulbous/becoming disconnected with myself to keep me locked into a pattern of compromising and abusing my body as I go from one polarity – being big bodied to the opposite polarity – being small bodied.

I commit myself to writing out my fears of being fat as well as my experiences within not being fat and from here, forgiving myself for the memories, experiences, and current living within each polarity so that I can self-correct myself to no longer have this fear have power and/or influence over my decisions.

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like the High

On November 5, 2012 is when I decided to no longer hide from my dependence on Adderall and to instead begin writing about it.  At this point in my walking my dependence, I shared the writings in private and not public because I was not yet prepared to discuss the situation in public and I saw that revealing this could put a strain on some relationships that were already in conflict.

So, this point emerged when I reacted to the statement: You're Higher Than The Rest of Us.

Here it is:

I have been in conflict for many months within my decision to take Adderall - AKA, amphetamine salts. I have justified to myself that I NEED this drug to effectively live up to my work, home, and other responsibilities. I have told myself that this drug assists me in staying focused, alert, 'social', and requiring a very small amount of sleep, however, I am seeing that I have been lying to myself. The truth is, I LIKE this drug - I like being on High, I like being seen as having a great amount of stamina, I like going fast, and I LOVE it that I do not suffer from the 'lows' that others around me are experiencing.

So, yes, I AM, in physical fact, higher.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to hearing, 'You are higher than the rest of us," with dismissal - I have not allowed myself to see that I am receiving a clear indication of why my application is not effective in that by making myself physically, mentally, and emotionally higher than others, that I am cheating myself and others as I am not allowing myself to be equal-to and one with myself and others. From close to the very start of my decision to take Adderall again,  it became clear to me that I was not standing equal-to and one with myself and others and yet instead of taking responsibility for my decision at that moment and stopping all of my fears in relation to stopping myself from taking this drug, I continued as it was easier to justify myself as needing this for my 'own reasons' and thus separate myself from others rather than facing the physical resistance that I saw others experiencing. I saw but did not want to be honest with myself that the consequence of this decision would separate me by my own accord as within my understanding of oneness and equality. I told myself that I was not working as hard as others and thus I am not allowed to stand equal-to and one with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a moment of 'being high' to self-sabotage my participation in my world where there were many times that I dropped out of participating in activities that were best because I feared having to change myself to be/become equal-to others and did not want to give up my High Reward - I have sold myself out for a Reward where the cost is my future physical self and the Reward is a guarantee that I won't become Low, that I am now 'thin', that I can engage others within a demonstration of high-energy, and that I can push my body to the point of agony.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience MANY moments of negativity within my taking of Adderall as Regret, Shame, and Guilt for not standing and then positively as telling myself that I am 'doing the right thing' and in the end it would 'all pay off', and the neutral as, 'I'll stop when I am ready and/or have less responsibility'. I have seen this negative to positive to neutral cycle within myself but have not moved myself to change myself nor remove myself from this cycle via my own direction - instead, from my point of neutrality, I waited for and outside 'sign' that CLEARLY and without a doubt would show me that 'it is time - are you life or are you not - are you here with us or are you not' before taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back-chat, "I cannot do this without Adderall," and "If I do not take Adderall, I'm going to go 'down'," and "Yeah ... you're bringing the rest of us down, you need an addy," to exist within and as me. I have not allowed myself to hear myself communicating to myself that I see myself as not being able to move and direct myself effectively without the assistance of something/someone outside of myself and that if I am not 'high' that I will bring others 'down' - and instead of taking responsibility, investigating, and assisting and supporting myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction, I accepted the lie and allowed myself to live-out the lie over-and-over again rather than de-bunking the lie and giving myself the gift of self-trust via understanding and then agreement with myself to move myself in a way that is best rather than desiring for others to move with me and my self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see  - or see and dismiss that when I am taking Adderall, that I clench and grind my teeth until my jaw is sore because I am angry and 'grinding my gears' and yet, I suppress this within telling myself that, "I'm on Adderall. I cannot be angry! I cannot be sad! I am above this! It is all THEIR FAULT - it must be! I am clear, focused and getting MY work done! GO ME!" - I have definitely not allowed myself to see until now that I use my information and knowledge about Adderall, to tell myself that I am POSITIVE, amazing, and perfect rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding that the REAL indicator is my physical body and that I am demonstrating to myself that I am willing to put myself in pain and ignore my body's signals which are telling me that all is not cool in exchange for the promise of positivity/Good Things.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to accept the belief that Adderall has magically changed me from a fat person to a thin person and because of my fear of getting 'big' again and my telling myself that if I stop taking Adderall that I will become physically big and no longer be comfortable in/with my body, I tell myself that is not in my best interest to stop taking Adderall. I have not seen nor realized that Adderall has not made me physically thinner and that what has actually made me physically thinner is increased physical activity, dehydration, and improper nutrition because I have trapped myself within my mind-backchat where I ignore my physical body instead of being aware of what my physical body needs.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that if stop taking Adderall, that I will become heavy again and within this, for every day of the 8 days that I have not taken Adderall, I weigh myself to see if there is any change - On days where it looks as though I've gained weight, I become frustrated, worried, anxious, and angry and say, "What am I gonna do? I'm going to be fat and miserable again -- I can't go back there ..." and on the days where my weight is below a certain marker, I say, "Phew. Okay. I'm okay. Maybe it wasn't the Adderall making me thin ..." I have not see, realized, nor understood that I am going from one polarity to another, day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute as I allow myself to swing back and forth between being 'okay' with myself and then in the next moment, 'not okay' with myself.

Day 137: Adderall or Life?

In the next several blogs I will be sharing the process I've walked with Adderall and some perspective, realizations, and research that I have found in relation to ADD and ADHD.

Adderall is a drug that is prescribed for ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and Narcolepsy.  I was able to get a prescription for this drug because I have been diagnosed with ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) by a Psychologist.

What IS Adderall?

Amphetamine and Dextroamphetamine Mixed Salts or simply Amphetamine Salts sold under the brand name Adderall.


When I took Adderall, I experienced alertness, sociability, happiness, irritability, a significant weight loss, a rush of relief and a general feeling of being able to make it through my day and be okay.

The Problem of Adderall

I decided to stop taking Adderall for many reasons with the most important being that the drug was not supportive for my physical body and there was an increased risk of speeding the aging process and developing Parkinsons disease later in life.  When I made my decision, I was at a point in my process where I saw that it was time for me to choose whether or not I was going to use my time here to the best of my physical and mental ability and whether I would be a part of Life or not.  I chose to be here for as long as possible and to not speed up the process of death so that I could be a part of the change for a New World. Additionally, I had become addicted to the drug as I had convinced myself that I could not function normally in the world without it.

The Solution

I took 1-2 pills per day on-and-off for about 3 years.  After I had made my decision and my bottle of pills was low, I began taking 1/2 of a pill twice a day and then 1/2 to 1/4 once per day until the bottle was empty.  I did not call in to have my prescription re-filled.  It was within this time that I began assisting and supporting myself with writing, Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction.  I also was given full support as well as an education about Addiction via my Desteni I Process lessons.  When and as other points related to desiring Adderall emerge, I get support, I work on my self-realization process, I refine my self-correction, and I apply myself.

The Reward

Because I am no longer accepting and allowing myself to be dependent on the drug or tell myself that I require the drug to survive in this world, I no longer make excuses, justifications and reasons for my continued use of a substance that is harmful to my physical and mental health.  This self-limitation is being removed.  I no longer experience the side-effect of irritability with myself because I made a self-honest decision that was best for myself and who I would like to be.  I am no longer taking a chemical that makes everything feel good or that fixes what I see as problems - instead, I am facing the points that come up and supporting myself with investigation, asking questions, testing answers, writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.



In the following posts, I will be sharing what's been walked so far.

Day 136: Guarding My Thoughts and Words

When and as I see myself reacting to a topic, situation, or event within which I experience a compulsion to speak, I stop - I place a guard on my thoughts and words.  I do not participate - I remove myself if I must, get myself stable with breathing and then write out the topic, situation, or event and what I am seeing as a problem within the topic, situation, or event.  From here, I self-forgive for why I am reacting and what I want to say - which, I see, realize and understand is actually what I want to say to myself and work out a solution for. 

I commit myself to stop speaking when and as I experience a compulsion by allowing myself to be aware of myself within and as compulsion as indicated by imaginations that play into my fear, increased blood-pressure, movement in my solar-plexus, and jerky physical movements. 

I commit myself to further practice perfecting putting a guard on my thoughts and words by allowing myself to slow myself down so that I can stop myself when and as I am faced with a physical, mental, and/or emotional reaction. 

When and as I see that I am putting myself in-conflict with myself as indicated by the amount of thought, effort, time, justifications, and reasons for my actions, reactions, and my allowance of myself existing in-conflict with myself and others, I STOP.  I see, realize, and understand that this self-dishonesty takes a lot more time and effort to keep up and/or maintain and that it is best to make it simple for myself by taking a moment to write out what's going on and bring the points that emerge within this back to myself with self-forgiveness.

 

I commit myself to stopping placing myself in-conflict with myself by re-Minding myself that it takes a great deal more effort and time to justify my actions with reasons for 'why I did what I did' - additionally, I re-Mind myself that any reaction that I have after a thought is a response to fear -- that my thoughts are showing me who/what I am and because I fear what I am showing myself, I attempt to separate myself with a reaction when and as I say, 'Oh, that's not me ... let me show myself why'.

Within this,
I commit myself to watch my thoughts and to investigate where these thoughts are coming from by allowing myself to slow myself so that I can actually see/hear my thoughts and then look-back at my memories which will assist and support me in seeing and understanding where my thoughts are actually coming from and why. 

Day 135 - Speaking and Acting From A Point of Self-Interest

A point emerged within me today that I did not anticipate and before I took the time to sit down and write out why I felt so strongly, I spoke.  This is something that I have done a lot of and it does not align with my commitment to put a 'guard on my thoughts'. I see myself as justified in moments like this - I tell myself that I must be speak and that I must not be silent because others are counting on me to speak up when I see a problem.  Even though time-and-time again that I do this and the only outcome is me in conflict with myself or others in my world, I keep doing it.


I see that my weakness is me believing myself when I tell myself that others are going to get hurt, disappointed, or be taken advantage of and then I have an energetic reaction of anger and disgust - and from this point, my voice lowers and hardens, my personality changes, and I become forceful.  Instead of slowing myself down, breathing, and allowing myself to see how I am speaking to myself of myself and directing this, I let it fly with the justification, "It must be done.  These people must be informed, helped, or saved from the evil that is about to face them."

The thing is, there's A LOT of people on this planet that are getting hurt, disappointed, and taken advantage of in EVERY moment.  If this were real anger and disgust - it this was really me - this would be my existence in every moment of every breath.  But, it's not - I'm selective about where I direct my anger which is an indicator that I am doing this as not what's best for all but instead from my own self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to: when and as I see myself feeling strongly about a topic, situation, or event in which I am experiencing a compulsion to speak, to stop and place a guard on my thoughts/words - and within this, do not participate and instead write out why I am seeing a problem, why I am reacting, and what I want to say as what I want to say is something that I want to communicate to myself and problem-solve for myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in conflict with myself instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that placing myself in conflict with myself takes a LOT more effort, thought, and energy to create than simply stopping, writing, bringing the points back to myself using the tool of the self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am counting on myself to be able to communicate problems to myself and to responsibly assist and support myself to direct these problems into solutions and rewards.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ignore and/or try to separate myself from my backchat where I tell myself that I am/will be hurt, disappointed, or taken advantage of - where, I try to smooth over the backchat with positive thinking instead of facing the backchat, allowing myself to see where it came from and how it continued to accumulate through time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that when my personality changes that this is a flag-point for me to stop, breath, take a step back, and investigate myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live the Words: You Can Save No One But Yourself.  I have been using the words as a point of abdication of my responsibility to others rather than a point of Self-Support for myself within the realization that when and as I see that I'm 'taking a stand' for benefit of others, that at this stage, I am still taking a standing from a point of self-separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a caring and supportive person based off of my definition of what I experience as energetic emotions, feelings, and thoughts.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I must let go of this definition of myself that I have created into a personality if I am to ever see, realize, understand, and become what a real caring human being is.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be angry, outraged, and disgusted at the fact that almost every other human on this planet exists with disappointment, abuse, and exploitation - and that instead, I pick-and-choose whom I will care enough to allow this anger, outrage, and disgust for.  Within allowing this, I do not see my self-interest as care is actually for a 'special group that I care for'.  Not only is this self-dishonest and not standing as an example of someone who is caring for life equally, it is also really limiting.

Day 134: What Are Ghosts? Are Ghosts Real?

For the past few weeks I have been writing in a parenting blog about the process of developing anger prevention within my living.  I will be continuing with the dimensions of the Helpless Victim Character here shortly.  For the moment, I'm taking a break from both writings to write about The Quantum Mechanics of Paranormal Events - Part 3 which can be purchased at Eqafe.

This interview was sent to me as a gift today which was quite cool because I've had a lot of questions about the existence of ghosts, poltergeists, spirits, and other beings 'beyond the veil'.  And it was extremely supportive for my understanding of my many experiences with these beings throughout my life as it answered how these beings got here, why many of them were trapped, how/why they could be seen, what they were attempting to communicate, and how us humans in the physical world could have better assisted and supported them.

As I mentioned, ghosts, poltergeists, and spirits have been a point that I have been faced with for most of my existence here.  These experiences began when I was 7 years old and continued to intensify as I got older.  I have several spine-tingling ghost stories that I have enjoyed sharing with others through the years and within these, I often share the experiences of others who were there to witness what I had.  It was a wild ride - and in truth, I existed in absolute terror because I never knew what was going to happen each night nor how frighteningly insane it was going to be.  Also, because these experiences not only happened when I was alone but when others were around as well, I saw myself as helpless, unsafe, and vulnerable to unseen attacks that could lead to my death.

For the longest time, I was driven to find the answers to why I experienced these paranormal events, what these beings actually were, why they were here, and why they were in some places but not in others.  Within my search for answers, I would submerge myself in books about the subject and shows like Ghost Hunters and Celebrity Ghost Stories in an attempt to understand and to identify with others who had similar experiences to mine.  However, this never assisted me in understanding what was really going on, what the problem was, and how to actually direct the problem because the only 'answer' given was to get the being 'into the light'.  How could I get the being into 'the light' if I could not see 'the light' - which, apparently, the gift of 'seeing the light' is a gift that only a select few have.

So, it's really a shame that I allowed myself to react with such intense fear and traumatized myself with this fear instead of breathing, investigating, and seeing my responsibility within the creation of these beings so that I could have directed the point and taken the opportunity to assist and support other beings rather than trying to run from them or looking for ways to evacuate them from my living space.  

In the end, this interview assisted me in realizing why it is best to not be afraid of or ignore the things in my world that I see as  beyond my capacity to understand or do anything about.  It's pointless, really, because I'm going to have to face what I've accepted and allowed in one way or another and I'd rather face the consequence and apply practical solutions now instead of allowing the problems to accumulate to the point of no return.

Day 133: The Helpless Victim - Imagination Dimension

In this blog I am writing Self-Forgiveness for the Imagination Dimension of The Helpless Victim Character that emerged from realizations while walking a traumatic event.  The initial writing out of the dimensions of this character can be read here: Day 129: The Helpless Victim.



Writing from Day 129:
Imagination Dimension In my imagination I see that I lose everything and everyone in my life, that I will be homeless, that I will be broken, that I will be susceptible to much worse abuses, that I will live the rest of my life in regret and shame, that I will become a junkie, a bag-lady, live on the streets, push around a cart, go crazy, lose my teeth, be ignored, be repelling, and eventually die alone under a bridge somewhere.

Imagination Dimension - Self-Forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a movie-picture of myself as a homeless person that is broken, susceptible to abuses, living in regret and shame, a junkie, a bag-lady, living on the streets, pushing around a cart, going crazy, losing my teeth, being ignored, be repelled, and eventually dying alone under a bridge somewhere to motivate me to not stand up and make changes that are best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my Consciousness as pictures within and as my imagination to manipulate myself within and as my mind to do nothing to improve my situation EVEN THOUGH the situation that I have placed myself in, accepted, and allowed is not what is best for myself and others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my imagination to activate myself as The Helpless Victim character instead of not allowing myself to separate from myself as this character, moving myself, and actually DOING.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a being that is aware of what is the best course of action and yet, instead of moving myself in this direction and following through, I gave myself up to my mind and used The Helpless Victim character as a front where I see that I cannot be held accountable and responsible.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that this places me in conflict with myself where I imagine how I could make things better in my living and yet do nothing about it because I also imagine the worst possible case scenario as to scare myself away from actually making any real changes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity between what I could do to change my situation and what could happen if I do change my situation not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am manipulating myself within this positive, 'I could ...' and negative, 'I can't ...' to keep myself from simply breathing, acting, and doing.