Day 135 - Speaking and Acting From A Point of Self-Interest

A point emerged within me today that I did not anticipate and before I took the time to sit down and write out why I felt so strongly, I spoke.  This is something that I have done a lot of and it does not align with my commitment to put a 'guard on my thoughts'. I see myself as justified in moments like this - I tell myself that I must be speak and that I must not be silent because others are counting on me to speak up when I see a problem.  Even though time-and-time again that I do this and the only outcome is me in conflict with myself or others in my world, I keep doing it.


I see that my weakness is me believing myself when I tell myself that others are going to get hurt, disappointed, or be taken advantage of and then I have an energetic reaction of anger and disgust - and from this point, my voice lowers and hardens, my personality changes, and I become forceful.  Instead of slowing myself down, breathing, and allowing myself to see how I am speaking to myself of myself and directing this, I let it fly with the justification, "It must be done.  These people must be informed, helped, or saved from the evil that is about to face them."

The thing is, there's A LOT of people on this planet that are getting hurt, disappointed, and taken advantage of in EVERY moment.  If this were real anger and disgust - it this was really me - this would be my existence in every moment of every breath.  But, it's not - I'm selective about where I direct my anger which is an indicator that I am doing this as not what's best for all but instead from my own self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to: when and as I see myself feeling strongly about a topic, situation, or event in which I am experiencing a compulsion to speak, to stop and place a guard on my thoughts/words - and within this, do not participate and instead write out why I am seeing a problem, why I am reacting, and what I want to say as what I want to say is something that I want to communicate to myself and problem-solve for myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in conflict with myself instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that placing myself in conflict with myself takes a LOT more effort, thought, and energy to create than simply stopping, writing, bringing the points back to myself using the tool of the self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am counting on myself to be able to communicate problems to myself and to responsibly assist and support myself to direct these problems into solutions and rewards.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ignore and/or try to separate myself from my backchat where I tell myself that I am/will be hurt, disappointed, or taken advantage of - where, I try to smooth over the backchat with positive thinking instead of facing the backchat, allowing myself to see where it came from and how it continued to accumulate through time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that when my personality changes that this is a flag-point for me to stop, breath, take a step back, and investigate myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live the Words: You Can Save No One But Yourself.  I have been using the words as a point of abdication of my responsibility to others rather than a point of Self-Support for myself within the realization that when and as I see that I'm 'taking a stand' for benefit of others, that at this stage, I am still taking a standing from a point of self-separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a caring and supportive person based off of my definition of what I experience as energetic emotions, feelings, and thoughts.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I must let go of this definition of myself that I have created into a personality if I am to ever see, realize, understand, and become what a real caring human being is.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be angry, outraged, and disgusted at the fact that almost every other human on this planet exists with disappointment, abuse, and exploitation - and that instead, I pick-and-choose whom I will care enough to allow this anger, outrage, and disgust for.  Within allowing this, I do not see my self-interest as care is actually for a 'special group that I care for'.  Not only is this self-dishonest and not standing as an example of someone who is caring for life equally, it is also really limiting.