Day 163: Excuses, excuses ...

"Truth and Lies"
Artwork by Andrew Gable
2013

 My last blog writing was on October 12, 2013.  In the past, I have missed a few weeks here and there but never to this extent.  The excuses started when I began writing in a personal journal instead of sharing writings in the blog and from there I told myself that I had other things that were more urgent for me to complete.  As the weeks passed, I would come up with other reasons: the computer isn't working, the computer room isn't clean enough for me to focus, I'm tired, I'm too busy with family responsibilities, I have to catch up on my TV series, and I just don't feel like it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait over two months to write in my blog - over two months of procrastinating that I have allowed myself to accumulate the consequences of me not doing what I agreed for myself to do.  So, now, I am faced with points of worry, anxiety, fear, and anger that I have not directed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the excuse, "I've missed a few weeks of writing in the past and I was fine," to exist within and as me.  I allowed this excuse because it benefited me in the moment - if I had instead looked back to the times when I did not share writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitment,  I was not 'fine' - in-fact, I experienced instability because I was not being self-honest and standing within and as my self-commitment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the excuse, "Writing in my personal journal fulfills my daily requirement for writing," to exist within and as me.  I got into this habit of writing in my personal journal when I was physically injured - this assisted with keeping myself stable at the time, however, after healing I was more than able to continue with my Journey To Life blog and decided to continue writing in my notebook because it was easier and it benefited me.  An additional problem that I saw but did not push myself to correct is that I would bounce from writing and self-forgiving one experience to the next with very little self-correction and self-commitments so I have not actually changed.  By writing in private, I decided time and time again to not hold myself accountable.

When and as I see myself allowing the excuse, "I've missed a few weeks of writing in the past and I was fine," I stop.  I realize that I am accepting this excuse/reason/justification because it appeals to my self-interest and it's what I want to hear in the moment - it's not actually a real account of events, just something that I worked out in my mind as to avoid self-responsibility - it is self-dishonest because time and time again I have shown myself that I am not 'okay' when I decide not to share writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

I commit myself to no longer allowing the excuse, "I'll be fine if I miss a few weeks of writing in my Journey To Life blog," by when and as the excuse/reason/justification comes up, I remind myself that I have not been 'fine' when I decide not to share in my Journey To Life blog for longer than a week and instead of giving in to my self-interests, I remind myself of my self-commitment to share writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrections, and self-commitments in my blog and no longer accept and allow resistance as procrastination, excuses, reasons, and justifications. 

When and as I see that I am considering procrastinating or waiting to write in my Journey To Life blog, I stop.  I realize that when I procrastinate with writing in my blog that I create unnecessary consequence for myself as worry, anxiety, fear, and anger.

I commit myself to STOP procrastinating with writing in my Journey To Life blog by setting specific days of the week that I will write in my Journey To Life blog and doing it.

When and as I see that I am allowing the excuse/reason, "Writing in my personal journal and/or notebook fulfills my daily requirement for writing," I stop.  I realize that writing in a personal journal and/or notebook is self-support for when I am not physically able to use a computer.  Additionally, I realize that the decision to continue to write in a personal journal/notebook and not share my writings, self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-correction is me not wanting to hold myself accountable and is me exercising my Free Will as spite. 

I commit myself to stop using the excuse/reason, "Writing in my personal journal and/or notebook fulfills my daily writing requirement for writing," by reminding myself that writing in my personal journal and/or notebook does not fulfill my commitment to share my process of writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrections, and self-commitments for change and within this, I commit myself to hold myself accountable and responsible by sharing my process publicly.

Day 162: Allowing Myself To Get To Know 'New People'

Part Two of self-correction and self-commitment for Day 157: The Rock Star.
Part One is here.

When and as I see that I am attaching myself to and/or making/seeking/maintaining relationships with those that align to my mind's interpretation/definition of Rock Stars, Perfect, and/or The Best as indicated by me ignoring, devaluing, deliberately disassociating myself from, and separating myself from others who do not align with these personality definitions that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as me, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that these personalities are what I have told myself that I must become, be associated with, or related with in order to gain acceptance from my external world and that by giving into my fear of loss of acceptance and acting on it, I am limiting myself from realizing myself, expressing myself as myself, developing my potential, and getting to know parts of myself as I get to know others.

I commit myself to stop separating myself from others by: when and as I see/hear myself communicating to myself that others are 'not like me', that they have nothing in common with me, or I am seeing traits that I have defined as undesirable that I do not want to be associated with, I stop, I breath, I get myself out of my mind and allow myself to explore and learn about others as it is here that I will learn more about myself or parts of myself that I have been suppressing, ignoring, and/or deliberately separating myself from.  Within this, I commit myself to self-forgive, self-correct, and self-commit for any energetic reactions that come up when I am getting to know anyone 'new'.

When and as I see that I am 'looking up to', worshiping, or placing someone on a pedestal that I would like to be and/or be by association, I stop.  I breath and I bring myself back to myself.  I see that this is a pattern that I have been participating in since I was a child and again, it goes back to a time where I believed that it was most important to be accepted by one's external environment and that I am inferior and must trust those that I see as superior.  I remind myself that this bouncing from one-person-to-another over-over-over-again to 'show me the way' has assisted me very little and leads to consequences that are the product of me not developing a relationship of acceptance, trust, respect, and integrity with myself.

I commit myself to STOP looking up to, worshiping, and/or placing others on a pedestal.  In addition to this, I commit myself to stop myself from acting on an attraction to what I am seeing in others as desirable traits that will 'get me somewhere' where I will want to spend as much time with them as possible in order to become them, integrate their personality into/as myself, and/or be associated with them.  Within this, I commit myself to stopping using others for my individual self-interests.  To actually live this commitment in a practical way, I will direct myself to 'not go there' when and as I experience positive energetic reactions of attraction and/or admiration in relation to another, breath, and remove myself, if required.  I write, I self-forgive, I self-correct, and I self-commit until I am done with this looking outside of myself and making relationships based-on what I can get out of it.  Instead of aligning myself to others for what they are so that I don't have to, I develop my own potential within the principle of what is Best For All.

Within this, I commit myself to, as a parent, to stop encouraging my children to look-up-to, worship and create a relationship with Rock Stars, Celebrities, Super Heroes, and other beings by reminding myself that my starting point is my desire for acceptance, my desire for a savior, my not wanting to take responsibility, and me not putting in the physical time and effort required to develop my own self and my own potential as a real human being - in other words, I commit myself to stop attempting to live out my self-interested desires and fears via my children.

I commit myself to show that the world is structured as it is because of the way that we accept and allow ourselves to exist.  Whether we're looking at Politics, Education, Religion, Corporations, or Government, it is all the same where we allow another to be an authority of us, make decisions for us, and direct us based on the belief that that one person has more value than ourselves - more money, more power, more education, more influence, more social status, more physical attractiveness - rather than actual physical proof of their ability to make decisions that are best for all and to actually follow-through with those decisions. 

Day 161: No, Sir, It Is Not Better To Burn Out

Part One of self-correction and self-commitment for Day 157: The Rock Star

“It's better to burn out than to fade away.” - Neil Young

When and as I am seeing that I am integrating a personality/character into/as myself because I experience an ease of my fear of loss, control of my external environment, and/or positive feedback that supports my Ego, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that when I become these characters and personalities that I am doing so from the starting point of satiating my mind self-interest and that there is very little about these characters and personalities that I are practical in my everyday actual living.  So, looking at the Rock Star and the physical requirements it takes to live-up to this image/imagination, I see that it mostly benefits myself as an individual and regardless of me telling myself in my mind that me being a Rock Star benefits all, I see in real, physical reality examples of rock stars getting burnt out, not having a life or dying young, and not being there for their families.

I commit myself to stop integrating characters and personalities into and as me, such as the Rock Star personality and character, that do not support me as Life or any others that require me to be here and functioning within and as my best physical capacity.  When and as I am presented with or given the opportunity to adopt a character/personality as my own, I do not readily accept/become/integrate the character/personality from a point of self-interest - no, I STOP the process, slow myself with breath, and investigate how the character/personality actually functions here in physical reality instead of the imaginations that I've attached to it in my mind.  Within this, I commit myself to removing the thought, imaginations, and reactions that I have personally attached to the personalities and characters that come up with writing and self-forgiveness as to be certain that I am clear and am standing.

When and as I see that I am driving myself from a point of fear of loss, I stop, I breath, and I bring myself back to physical reality.  Instead of allowing myself to move and function on automation and instead of assessing my environment or my situation within my mind, I allow myself to look through my physical eyes for solutions that I have not considered.  I allow myself to observe others being effective and to ask questions.

I commit myself to stopping myself motivating myself from fear of loss by allowing myself to step out of my mind and into physical reality by participating as a physical being - here, I practice observation, looking for solutions that I hadn't considered, and asking questions.  When and as I see that I am going into my imagination which is indicated by my 'thoughts wandering off', I stop, I breath, and I bring myself back.  I commit myself to practicing not allowing myself to go automatically into my thoughts and imagination in my mind and perfecting it.

Day 160: Reality Check -> Invincibility

Self-correction and self-commitment for Day 156: Unwinding

When and as I see that ignoring my physical warnings that I need to slow down which can be clearly seen as I move fast from one task to another, do not pay attention to where my body is is physical space, and where I am energized because I am experiencing myself as effective based off of the amount of tasks I am completing and within this looking-for or getting a desired outcome of acceptance and/or respect from my external world, I stop.  I breath in and I breath out until I have slowed myself, until I am clear of immediate reactions, and present here in physical reality.  I see, realize, and understand that when I am in mind while at the same time zooming around in my physical body without awareness of my physical body, that I am creating the possibility for me to become injured - this is a pattern that I have been participating in for quite some time - so, instead of continuing doing the same thing over-and-over again, I now see that I have an opportunity to change and respect myself as flesh by practicing self-discipline and allowing myself to be aware of and direct how I move in physical reality.

I commit myself to practicing self-discipline with my physical movements where instead of going into my mind as I move my body, I allow myself to breeeeeeeeeath, be here, be aware of my physical movements, and direct myself as flesh.  I see, realize, and understand that I have been participating in this pattern of reacting, reacting, reacting for a LONG time, so within this, I commit myself to be patient with myself - here I state this is not an allowance for me to open up a backdoor out of my self-commitment to change - this is me practicing steady gentleness.

When and as I see/hear myself denying that I have physical limitations where I tell myself that I can 'do anything', that I do 'not age', or show myself in my imagination that I am invincible, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand the reality of my physicality: Because of my participation in/with/as my mind, the decisions that I have made in regards to my physical care, and years of working labor while in my mind and making decisions that are not best for my physical health, that I have compromised my physical body.  Here, again, I direct myself to my physical awareness, get to know myself, be honest with myself, and see what can actually realistically physically do without compromising myself.

When and as I see/hear myself showing/telling myself that I Am Special, different, and/or better than everyone else - specifically in relation to how I do not 'look my age' like others do, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that this is me going into the Superiority and/or Better-Than dimension of self-judgement where I compare myself to others as a way to feel better about myself as my Ego.  This is an image of myself that I have created in my mind as an escape from the negativity that I experience from other comparisons where I see myself as Inferior and/or Less-than.  Neither polarity assists me in improving myself, changing myself, or making decisions that are best for all in my physical reality.  So, within this realization, I see that it is best if I stop my participation in this belief as to actually assist and support myself to step-out-of-the-box of my mind and explore my actual genetic potential.

I commit myself to GIVING myself the opportunity to explore myself and my potential as a living, breathing, physical human being expressing here by letting go of and releasing myself from my beliefs of myself that I have held onto for a positive energetic charge - here, to live up to my self-commitment, I assist and support myself to write-out, self-forgive, self-correct, and clear myself of my individualized self-definitions that support myself as my mind being Special, Different, Better-Than.

When and as I see that I am about to tell myself or speak out-loud that 'I cannot slow down', I stop.  I breath.  I remind myself that this is a lie that I use as justification to not change and that I have in-fact proven that I CAN slow down and that I am actually required to so. 

So, within this, I commit myself to slowing down by breathing and allowing myself to be aware of my physical speed - I remind myself that it is best for me, my family, and that which I am committed to for me to not burn myself out.  When/as/if I see that my application of slowing down is not effective, I commit myself to ask for support and/or perspectives in regards to how I can become more effective.

Day 159: From Auto-Parent To Self-Parent

Self-correction and self-commitment for Day 155: Automated Parent


When and as I see that I am being unnecessarily hard on myself as a means to make a situation or event better or more acceptable, I stop, I breath, and I bring myself back here to my physical.  I see, realize, and understand that using words or thoughts to punish myself does not make my mistakes better, more acceptable, nor does it support me as a being - no, this supports me to go into my mind as I go into negatively charged emotions where I do not consider practical, livable solutions for the situation/event I've faced in which I made a mistake.

I commit myself to stopping myself from punishing myself with words and thoughts by reminding myself that punishing myself is not going to make my mistakes better and that going into my mind is not a solution.  I commit myself to, when I make mistakes, to instead breath and bring myself back to the physical where I can actually look at practical, livable solutions that will assist and support me to not repeat the mistakes.

When and as I see that I am angry or disappointed with myself because I have self-judged myself to be in the wrong and that being angry and/or disappointed is the appropriate response in such situations or events, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that being angry and/or disappointed with/at myself is not the responsible action that I believe it to be and that in reality, it's quite the opposite in that the actual responsible action is to direct myself to solutions and prevention.

I commit myself to stopping self-anger, self-disappointment, and self-judgment by allowing myself to see solutions rather than problems only when and as I am faced with an event or experience where a mistake has been made or could potentially be made.  I allow myself to slow down and to look at the situation or event practically and realistically so that I can determine the change for myself that is best for all.

When and as I see that I have gone into being an Automated Parent where I expect to see remorse or some other emotional reaction that demonstrates shame and/or regret, I stop and I breath myself back to my physical reality.  I see, realize, and understand that I have accepted, allowed, and been participating in this behavior/character for so long that I have integrated into and as myself to such an extent that I do not question it - it is automated.  So, here, my responsibility is to question myself as a parent:  Why do I continue to inflict emotional and mental harm when I have seen time-and-time again that this does not change nor improve anything?  Why do I believe that I must see shame, remorse, or regret when/as a mistake is made in order for me to see that the situation or event has a chance to get better?

I commit myself to stopping myself as an Automated Parent by no longer accepting and allowing myself to go right into expecting to see shame, regret, or remorse and instead breathing, slowing myself down, and allowing myself question myself and what changes I could make. Rather than go on Auto-Parent,  I practice self-parenting where I go over the mistake, consider other decisions/actions that I could have made where the outcome was best, work out a plan for how I will be in the same situation in the future, and commit myself to the change.

I commit myself to stopping myself from bullying, diminishing, and belittling myself by questioning my self-judgments.  And within this, I commit myself to not use self-judgment against myself and to instead work on self-acceptance, self-respect, and problem prevention.

Day 158: The Bully

"I worship, admire, look-up-to, follow the lead of, and place myself in loyal relationships with those that fit into my idea and/or imagination of Rock Stars, The Best, and/or Perfected because I tell myself that if I am associated to/with these individuals, that this sends a message to all that this is Who I Am as well which gives me instant access to the positive feeling charge of Acceptance." - Care's Journey To Life, Day 157: The Rock Star!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by The Bully in my mind where: I tell myself that if I am not accepted, that I am not popular or that if I cannot influence others that I am a failure - a failure to myself and others. I determine my value by the amount of relationships that I am able to accumulate, manage, and control. Instead of managing the direction of my own life to realize myself to my potential and within this acquiring self-acceptance and allowing myself to see my value as a life equal to all others, I beat myself up time-and-time again because I believed this is what I must do to survive in what I see as complete chaos and confusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully others and be bullied by others. I have not investigated this point, why it exists, and why I allow it to exist even though I see clearly that the nature of bullying is to inflict harm. I have not questioned it but instead gone along with it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to observe my mind in action because it is here that the origin point of my acceptance and allowance of bullying is shown to me clearly. If I had questioned the thoughts and self-diminishing words that I belittle myself with instead of forcing myself to believe they are true, I would have stood up and seen that bullying exists in my external world because it exists in my internal world as I bully myself in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that as long as I allow myself to bully myself, I will allow others to be bullied by myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by my fear of loss of acceptance from an external source. Because of my acceptance and allowance of this fear, I rarely took risks for others and I never took risks for myself to assist and support myself and others in seeing our potential as simply an expression of life and exploring what we can do here. No, I was fearful of what others would think of me or how they would react if I were 'different' - which is actually my own fear of what I will be and who I will become if I let go of what I know and go into the unknown/undefined.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to look at how Bulling benefits me. It is obvious that Bullying assist me in feeling better about myself when I place myself as superior over others - but what else? What about when I am Bullied? Or what do I have to gain by controlling others with the same abusive tactics that I practice on myself? Who do I think that I am? Why would I not want who I am and how I do things questioned?

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to STOP BULLYING - just get rid of it completely - because it's something that I hold near and dear as to maintain my individuality regardless of whether I am the bully, I'm being bullied, or I'm bullying the bullies. Is my individuality worth it? Did I really work that hard to create myself into the person that I Am? And am I really that special and unique that I need to be preserved and to never ever change or make changes?

Day 157: The Rock Star!

 

"Here is where I began to see why I ignored my physical signs because I was caught up in this idea of myself as having to preserve my individuality as a Rock Star.  Where, in my professional world, this label was given to me, I liked it, and I desired to preserve this because of the doors it opened for me and within this the experience of accomplishment and confirmation of my ability." - Care's Journey To Life, Day 156: Unwinding


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to align myself with the Words Rock Star and the positive meaning that have attached to these words.  In my mind, a Rock Star pushes their physical limits effortlessly, is the best at what they do, stands as a shining beacon, and has a bunch of 'fans' that constantly and continuously give them positive feedback about their performance.  So seeing a Rock Star in a positive light and wanting to be associated to this image so that I could experience myself in this positive way with all the perks that come with it, I pushed myself and forced myself to always be better than the day before.  I see that it's cool to realize my potential for myself however, my starting point was my desire for acceptance, positive feedback from my external world, to make a name for myself, and to insure that I do not miss out any opportunity that would benefit me as an individual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive myself from a point of fearing failure instead of from a point of self-curiosity and self-discovery where I test to see what I can do and how I can better improve myself - for my own self and not for any external reasons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself and/or place myself in a relationship with things and people that I see as Rock Stars, The Best, or Perfected as per my mind's idea or these archetypes.  I worship, admire, look-up-to, follow the lead of, and place myself in loyal relationships with those that fit into my idea and/or imagination of Rock Stars, The Best, and/or Perfected because I tell myself that if I am associated to/with these individuals, that this sends a message to all that this is Who I Am as well which gives me instant access to the positive feeling charge of Acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to integrate this attraction to others whom I Want To Be into and as me to such an extent that it is now an automated behavior.  I have been on autopilot and have not questioned it.  Why would I?  This automation has benefited me time-and-time again - with as little as effort as possible and minimal risk.  So, while I am busy squeezing myself into anothers image and likeness so that I can hide from putting in the effort required to establish self-acceptance, nothing changes.  I ignore anything and anyone outside of my immediate self-interested drive - including my self-communication, others that I do not want to be identified with because they are a mirror of my self-judgment, and the world that I am trying to control by refusing to face it.

From a parental perspective, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show children to do the same as myself.  I encourage children to attach themselves to Super Heroes, Rock Stars and those that look Perfected and like they are The Best in hopes that they will become or be like that imaginary person so that I can say, "I created this person and this person is me." So, as an additional insurance of my acceptance from my external world, I encourage the child to be what I want to be so that I can continue living in the image and likeness of others because it's easy, there is little-to-no risk, and requires much less effort than actually developing myself or showing a child how to develop themselves.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this Hero Worship that we accept and allow ourselves to imprint upon ourselves is the reason why our world is structured the way it is with many on the bottom and one at the top. Where: the one at the top - The Hero, The Rock Star, The Best of the Best, The Perfected Human Being has the money,the resources, the education, and the career. And instead of doing what is required to make sure that all realize their potential, including ourselves, we worship them, we work for them, we accept ourselves as less-than them, we drive ourselves to be like them/be associated with them, allow ourselves to be influenced by them, and enter into a Master-Slave agreement to survive. All because we never once questioned why the world is structured like a pyramid and have not looked at the consequences of our fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of not being accepted, fear of change, and fear of risking anything.

Day 156: Unwinding

"I fractured my left ankle.  Up until the moment that I broke the bone, there as a timeline of physical warnings that I ignored.  For about 6 weeks prior to my injury, I consistently would twist my ankles as I rushed around from one task to another.  I was aware that I needed to slow down but I reasoned this was impossible for me to do and instead of practicing slowing myself and practicing moving/walking in breath, I changed my shoes.  I continued to twist my ankles and continued to ignore it until I finally took a short step that needed to be a long step and my bone gave out."- Care's Journey To Life, Day 154: I'm Broken

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my physical warnings that showed clearly that I was required to slow down.  I did not want to slow down because I get a positive energetic charge out of moving fast and showing others how effective I am.  Instead of taking the opportunity to practice self-discipline and respect for my self as flesh, I gave into my desire to experience respect from my external world as it assist me as my Ego to feel good.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deny that I may have a physical limitation when and as I continually twisted and turned my ankles.  I have not wanted to see and be honest with myself that: because of my years of participating with and as my mind, I have in-fact aged.  This, combined with the years of hard physical labor have compromised the structure of my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to understand, realize, and see that I am NOT invincible and that I am aging - just like everyone else.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to beLIEve that it was impossible for me to slow down.  This was a lie that I told mysef to justify my desire to hold on to my individuality.  It has become quite clear that it is possible for me to slow down because since my injury, I have been required to move extremely slow - where, if I do not move slow there is a consequence of pain and/or permanent damage to the structure of my leg.

Here is where I began to see why I ignored my physical signs because I was caught up in this idea of myself as having to preserve my individuality as a Rock Star.  Where, in my professional world, this label was given to me, I liked it, and I desired to preserve this because of the doors it opened for me and within this the experience of accomplishment and confirmation of my ability.

Day 155: Automated Parent

"When I heard my bone POP, I told myself that I 'really effed myself up this time' and I was aware of why: In spite of the fact that my body had given me plenty of warning and in spite of the consequences I have walked in the recent past for being too hard on my body, I made a decision to repeat a pattern."

When I heard my bone POP, I told myself that I 'really effed myself up this time' and I was aware of why: In spite of the fact that my body had given me plenty of warning and in spite of the consequences I have walked in the recent past for being too hard on my body, I made a decision to repeat a pattern. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2013/09/day-154-im-broken.html#sthash.6aiiYA7c.dpuf

Care's Journey To Life, Day 154: I'm Broken.




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fracture and break my ankle bone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'really effing up this time'.  I see that I am often unnecessarily hard on myself because I believe that punishing myself with Words or thoughts makes a mistake better or more acceptable somehow - which, it never does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself as an emotional reaction to my judgment of myself.  I tell myself that I am taking responsibility for myself by being angry and disappointed at myself, my thoughts, my words, and my actions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how I am repeating and recreating myself as the judgmental and controlling Parent where I judge myself as 'in the wrong', I react in disappointment and anger,  and then expect some sort of show of remorse.  I have accepted and allowed this parenting tactic to such an extent that it has become automated.  I do not question it - even though in the end, when it is all said and done and I have inflicted mental and emotional harm on myself, nothing changes and nothing improves.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate the nature of self-judgment and to ask WHY I have accepted and allowed self-judgment to exist within and as me so that I can assist and support myself to stop bullying, diminishing, and belittling myself and actually get into the process of developing self-acceptance, self-respect and preventing mistakes from repeating. 

Day 154: I'm Broken

Two weeks ago I fractured my ankle and have been told that it will take a total 6-weeks to heal.  For the most of the these past two weeks I've been on the couch with my leg elevated and I am just now getting to the point in my recovery process of where I can start working at my desk again.  I have been writing daily in a notebook and am sharing this writing starting here:

Monday, August 26, 2013

I fractured my left ankle.  Up until the moment that I broke the bone, there as a timeline of physical warnings that I ignored.  For about 6 weeks prior to my injury, I consistently would twist my ankles as I rushed around from one task to another.  I was aware that I needed to slow down but I reasoned this was impossible for me to do and instead of practicing slowing myself and practicing moving/walking in breath, I changed my shoes.  I continued to twist my ankles and continued to ignore it until I finally took a short step that needed to be a long step and my bone gave out.

In the moment before I took that wrong step, I was reacting.  I was angry, I was disappointed, and I was backchatting.

When I heard my bone POP, I told myself that I 'really effed myself up this time' and I was aware of why: In spite of the fact that my body had given me plenty of warning and in spite of the consequences I have walked in the recent past for being too hard on my body, I made a decision to repeat a pattern.

Now I am looking at a 6-week recovery time.  And thus far, I have been able to do very little.  All that I can do is decide how to move or IF I actually can which has assisted in putting my process of slowing myself down into perspective as I now see, realize, and understand what and how it is to have a relationship in every moment of every breath with my physical body and what's in my immediate external environment where I have to be present and consider everything when and as I move.

Day 153: The Writing Ho-Hums

Over the past couple of weeks, I have had a great amount of resistance to writing.  I have been experiencing 'blankness' where I would usually have something to write about at all times.  Many of the points that emerge throughout my day are either being directed or have easy, practical solutions.  For the other points, I tell myself that it may not be best to share and that it would be better for everyone if I walked these points in private.

In general, I have not been motivated to push myself.  Like the wind is out my sails.  I did not realize until recently how much I have relied on others to keep me motivated - and now I see just how much I have been relying on others to do this for me when that outside motivational support is no longer here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my resistance to writing.  I accepted my 'blankness' and/or told myself that it would 'go away' and that I would be back to myself with topics to write about again.  I thought that I needed a break - that, maybe if I took a breather that I would soon have many things to write out and about.  So, the days passed and nothing changed - I did not have any 'pressing' points emerge that I felt a desire to write about.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to go deeper into my process of understanding myself because of fear.  Fear of what others will think, fear that I'm not directing 'new' points effectively, and fear that the things that I would like to write about will cause backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself as hard as I was pushing before because my relationships and daily living have become very stable where I am now able to support my family and others in a way that is best and I'm self-supporting myself with practical, common sense solutions.  I have been so accustomed to everything being a shit-storm during my existence and using this as my only point of self-motivation that when and as there is no longer uncontrollable chaos and turmoil in my immediate world, I see no reason to have to change anything else.  If it 'ain't broke, don't fix it', right?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the fear of not being liked or causing problems/discomfort with others instead of not allowing this fear to influence me and to continue writing regardless.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my desire to keep the darker stuff about myself private is in-fact me not wanting to expose this stuff to myself.  Why open up a can of worms when I've finally gotten some relief?

Day 152: Bernard is Dead. Now What?

Bernard Poolman died on Sunday, August 11, 2013. Like many others, I experienced shock and I asked, “How could this happen?” I had been considering for several weeks what would happen if he did die and I concluded that it simply would not happen. I reasoned that he was in good physical condition, that he took care of his body, and that the world needs him. In my mind, I imagined that he would be with us here until we were certain that each being had a life worth living and that until that time, he would not rest. I imagined that some day, when we get this done, that he would be free - free to rest and maybe even free from the pain that he lived with. This was the initial point that emerged when I heard of Bernard's death and it was shocking because this was not how imagined it going! This is not the way it was supposed to be! As a group, we were going to have our happy ending, damnit! No, no, no!

After this, I allowed myself to go into my thoughts and I got caught up in my dramas for several hours. My DIP buddy was here for support and the group was writing out their processes of remaining stable which assisted me in stabilizing myself. About mid-day today I made the decision to not participate in the random thoughts that were coming up and the self-pity, self-judgment, regret, blame, and emotional reactions stopped. None of my reactions changed anything anyway - I'm still here, I'm still breathing, Bernard is still dead, and our world still messed up. So, now what?

I realize that Bernard was a point of support. He has walked the process of self-forgiveness that we are now walking so he could see where we're at and give practical perspective on where we could direct ourselves more effectively. It's clear that we've been shown all of the tools to give ourselves this level of support and when and as we face a point that requires another's perspective, we have each other and the Desteni Forum.

Bernard was really good at showing us responsible decisions. He's shown us the same points time-and-time again and in as many ways as possible. It is all here and documented in the Creations Journey To Life blog and his v-logs. Now we must walk the points presented and realize them for ourselves.

I realize that any other defined relationships that I connected to Bernard are points that I must bring back to and give to myself.

With these realizations, the answer to 'now what?' is: I stand. And here I state my commitment to the Desteni group, being a part of bringing to reality a world that is best for all, and continuing with my process of self-awareness.

So, thanks for the support, direction, and down-to-earth explanations Bernard. And thanks for the wake-up call! It was really cool having you here with us.

Day 151: Fear Is Useless

While communicating with another, I saw that a fear of not being good enough emerged as a thought where I told myself that I am not educated to the level required to be equal to another.  What I was doing here is comparing myself to another and then judging myself as less than because there was a point that I simply was not familiar with.  This shows me that my starting point was dishonest because I did not approach the communication as a discussion but rather from a point of competition and proving that I am right - so, when I saw that I may not be right, this created instability within and as me where I go through the information and knowledge that I have stored as evidence that I can present to prove my position so that I do not have to face the fact that I do not have all of the understanding required, that I was missing parts that needed to be researched, and that I would actually have to put in the effort to do the research in order for the communication to continue moving.

Instead of seeing the simplicity in the experience as, "here is what I must research next", I went into my mind and made this much more difficult than is necessary where I make all sorts of assumptions, justifications, arguments, plans for ways in which I do not have to change, and all sorts of distracting inner-dialogue.

More and more I see how absolutely useless fear is other than showing me what I have accepted and allowed.  Allowing myself to exist in fear and get caught up in it with the consequences of this allowance is one of the worst uses of my time that I can see.  At the end of the day, it changes nothing - I am still here, I am still breathing, and I still have this point to direct.  Just because I found every reason I could possibly come up with for myself to not have to face the fear does not mean that the fear magically disappears!  No, it is still here and if I do not sort it out, it will continue to accumulate and influence me.

Additionally, I see that I can later use this fear as a reason to self-sabotage and back out of my objective to be a part of creating a world where every child born has a life worth living - which will most likely set me back and set me up to become angry at myself for not acting when I had the opportunity to do so.

As I have written this, it is interesting to see how I have completely inflated something simple with fear, competition, comparison, judgment, reactions, justifications, projection, assumptions, and resistance to change.  It is clear how important the process of writing is where I take something from the instability of my mind and bring it here to the physical world of stability where I can actually direct something and change it.




Check out the Free Downloads from EQAFE!

• Why does No one seem to Understand me?
  
• Death Research – Burning Alive - Part 1
• Relationship Success Support – Love
  
• Drowning - Death Research - Part 1
• Heart Attack Death Research - Part 1
  
• Parenting - Perfecting the Human Race - Part 5
• The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination - Self Image and Imagination …
  
• 2013 - The Future of Consciousness - Seeing Dark Shapes/Figures
• Relationship Success Support - Intimacy Personality - Part 3
  
• Kryon - My Existential History - Part 5+6
• Demons in the Afterlife - Part 1
  
• Psychic Animals - The Sheep - Part 1
• The Quantum Mechanics of Paranormal Events - Part 5
  
• The Crucifixion of Jesus - Part 1
• Relationship Success Support – Introduction
  
• What is Sex? Overview
• My Life as a Peace Activist
  
• The Spirituality of the Snail
• Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
  
• How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message
• What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2
  
• What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
• Quantum Mind Self AwarenessStep 1 and Step 2
  
• 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
• Relationship Success Support – Introduction
  
• Quantum Systemization – Preview
• Life Review - The Buddha Experience
  
• Spirituality and Rebirth
• Self Awareness steps for the Elite - Introduction
  
• Life Review - My life of Co-Dependency
• Atlanteans - The Beginning - Part 1
  
• The Secret History of the Universe - The Creation of Energy - Part 4
• Life Review – My Life of Sin
  
• Life Review - Educated into a Sex-Slave
• Shocking Secrets of Masturbation - Programming Relationships through
  
• How I Was Able to Hear the Desteni Message
• Reptilians - Am I God - Part 3
  

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• Ode to our Children
  
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• Hell Spoof
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• Himno del 2012
• Joao Jesus - The Message - What You Gonna Do Now

Day 150: Fine-Tune Instead of Tuning-Out

Part Four of Self-Correction and Self-Commitment Statements for Self-Forgiveness on Day 145: Hearing What I Want to Hear.  Part Three is here, Part Two is here and Part One is here.



When and as I see that I have stopped hearing when and as I am in a situation, event, or change that I experience as uncomfortable, not understanding, nor having confidence in my ability to take responsibility for, I stop and I breath myself back to hear.  I see, realize, and understand that when I stop hearing, I have gone into my thoughts, reactions, fears, Ego and imagination rather than taking the opportunity to take a self-inventory of myself during this moment where a self-dishonesty emerged.  Instead of escaping into my mind where I cannot hear, I allow myself to breath and investigate myself.  In relation to this point of practically supporting myself to live my commitments and responsibilities self-honestly, I direct myself to write out what it is that is that I would like to do, the possible ways that it can be done, and the pros and cons as this will assist and support me in making a decision that is practical, considerate of the consequences, and best for all.

I commit myself to improve my hearing by assisting and supporting myself to work out problems in a practical, common sense way rather than immediately reacting with fear, escaping into my thoughts and imaginations, and making decisions for and as my Ego.  In relation to situations, events, or changes, I commit myself to utilize the writing process for integrating commitments and responsibilities that are important to me and/or assist and support myself with being self-honest and cool with myself. 

When and as I see that I am allowing myself to change, interact, have an experience, or learn from the world because of my immediate reactions of fear, I stop, breath, and slow down my processing.  I see, realize, and understand that these specific social fears that I have are created by memories of not being liked, being left out, or not being a part of the group.  As with my other childhood memories, this is the past that I am accepting and allowing myself to live in and not here.  Additionally, I see, realize and understand that having these fears aren't necessary for me to participate with a group and that in-fact, group participation is MUCH more easier and enjoyable when and as I let my fears and memories go.  I continue to remind myself that my memories are not Who I Am and I assist and support myself to self-forgive myself for accepting and allowing these memories to change anything about Who I Am, how I relate to others, my stability, my common sense, and my perspectives.

I commit myself to stop allowing fear-based memories to define and/or change Who I Am, how I interact, what I experience, and what I learn from others, the environment that I am in, and the world by reminding myself that my memories are the past and it is not necessary that I live in the past nor use them to define my future - Who I Am is here, in this moment of breath.  As an additional level of self assistance and support, I utilize the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction for the points of fear-based memories that I am not effectively directing so that I can research the parts of myself that require removal, re-alignment, re-definition, and/or re-direction.

Day 149: Desteni Research: Is Desteni A Multi-Level Marketing Scam Cult?

My name is Carrie Tooley and I am a 41-year-old female living in Bucksport, Maine, USA. I am married, a parent of two children, and I work in the Food and Beverage Industry. I began studying the Desteni material at the beginning of 2011 and after 2 months of research, in March of the same year, I began using the tools of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction that are shown by the Desteni Group.

Before joining Desteni, I did not have any desire or reason to face what I saw as problems with myself and within the world. I would ignore what made me uncomfortable or wait for someone else to fix it. Now, I work on facing what I don't like, changing it, and standing up. Standing up for myself and standing up for others who do not have a voice to do so is quite cool because it's something that I'd never see myself as being able to do!

So, for me, walking with Desteni has been the process of me learning how to become responsible and then living and applying what I have learned. The result of this that I can see is me developing into a much more stable human being with easier relationships.

For a long time I experienced disbelief when Desteni was labeled as a cult, a scam, and a Pyramid Scheme. How could this be? And when I researched cults, scams, and the money-making schemes, Desteni did not fit the profile. Instead, what I found is that Desteni is like self-help psychologist that's available for support 24 hours per day, 7 days per week. And the Desteni tools and support are FREE. So the claims that Desteni is a cult, scam, and some sort of money-making scheme doesn't make any practical common sense what-so-ever.

Currently, I am enrolled in two Desteni I Process Courses: 'Structural Resonance Alignment' and 'Agreements -Redefining Relationships'. I make a monthly payment for the 'Structural Resonance Alignment' course and my 'Agreements' course is 100% sponsored. Recently, my financial position has changed, I have started a new job, and my budget for next month is not certain so my monthly payment for next month has been sponsored. I mean, if this was a group that was out to get my money, there would be no sponsorships and no understanding about my financial position what-so-ever. My mortgage company would foreclose on me, my electric company would shut me off, and the bank that holds the title to my car would come and take the car away. These companies and establishments do not care about my well-being nor my ability provide for my family's basic needs. However, Desteni and the Equal Life Foundation have shown time-and-time again that they do in-fact Care.

As for changes in my living, there have been many. Desteni has assisted and supported me to overcome fears, improve my relationships, and to develop self-trust and self-respect. A foundation of my change has been learning to research. I use self-forgiveness to research myself where I get into what I have accepted and allowed - and why. When I have an understanding of what I have accepted and allowed and why, I then research practical and livable solutions for my self-correction. Once I have practical and livable solutions for my self-correction, I then commit myself to test my solutions by living them. When and as I do not see a change, I will repeat this process of self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitment until I am satisfied with the result.

Understand, I have been in-and-out of mental health offices since I was 8-years old. I have seen doctors for medications, psychologists, psychiatrists, and counselors. I have studied Social and Behavioral Sciences. I've read Tarot Cards since I was 16, I've studied with a psychic, learned Psychometry, many other forms of Divination, practiced Astral Projection, practiced Witchcraft, studied Buddhism, AND participated in Catholic Church. I even became a Positive Thinker. None of these have worked for me or assisted me in understanding and changing myself. What I have learned via my studies and research with the Desteni group has. And after two years of participation, I am only just beginning.

Here are some changes that I have made thus far:

- Improved my immediate relationships by giving of myself and my time. I have realized that giving to others in no way takes away from myself and instead I self-support as I support others. The relationships that I have with others are easier and of quality. And as a result of all of this, my self-relationship has improved because giving has assisted me to develop self-trust within my journey to become a human being that cares.

- No longer terrified of Ghosts, Unseen Entities, graveyards, or old houses that look haunted. I realize that these fears only exist in my mind as a response to my thoughts and imagination.

- No longer believe that God, Goddesses, The One, or Spirit Guides are guiding me, protecting me, judging me for my actions or deciding my fate. Instead, I realize that it is up to me to decide the direction of my life as I am the one that must live with the consequences of my decisions.

- No longer obsessed with Death, the Afterlife, and what I will be when I die. I no longer allow myself to be as distracted by questions and assumptions about Death and the Afterlife because the fact is, I am not going to have a clue until I get there. So, best to focus on being here on Earth and realizing myself - which is a LOT more fun.

- More at-ease around people. I no longer constantly obsess and make assumptions about what others are thinking about me. I don't fear others as much as I once did which allows me to really enjoy being with others and getting to know them.

- My vocabulary and my writing ability have improved. I now find it easier to speak and communicate with a broader range of individuals.

- Have a better understanding of myself, how I function, and why. In turn, I have a better understanding of others and the world that we live in.

- See the potential in myself, others, and the world that we live in. Instead of brooding over problems and believing that nothing and no one here can change, I look for workable ways and common sense possibilities that could ensure that all have a life of dignity, health, and happiness.

Now, I say with certainty that Desteni is not a Scam - I have researched this point for two years and there has been no indication that Desteni nor the Equal Life Foundation participates in fraudulent activities, deceit, cheating, ripping-off or swindling. Instead what I have found is a group of people that are passionate about ensuring that every child has a decent life on Earth. This is not done with protests, acts of violence, harassment or other forms of abuse - no. This is a group that works within the principles of what is Best For All, Give as you would like to Receive, Do onto Another what You would Like to be Done onto, and Investigate All Things and Keep what is Good. For evidence that Desteni has an equation for change that works, see the Journey ToLife Blogs where many are documenting their processes of transforming themselves.

To be clear, I do not do the Desteni research for financial gain. I am not a paid researcher and I am not sharing what I've found in my research for money. In-fact, I pay for a Desteni I Process education and I pay for other materials sold at EQAFE which supports the group to continue. Desteni is not a Pyramid Scheme. Further, the Equal Life Foundation is a taxable Nonprofit Organization that is funded through EQAFE products and Desteni I Process Education program - it is completely self-funded.

In conclusion, I have researched Desteni and the Equal Life Foundation and it is not a Scam. The Equal Life Foundation is a taxable Nonprofit Organization that is funded by products sold via EQAFE and the Desteni I Process Education program which offers years of research and expertise in the fields of Vocabulary, Psychology, Economics, Integrity-Based Spirituality, Paranormal Science, and Self-Improvement. For those that do not pay for Desteni I Process courses nor purchase EQAFE products, the group offers assistance and support on the Desteni Forum as well as a Desteni I Process Lite program which are both free. For proof that Desteni has an equation for change that works, see the Journey To Life Blogs where many are documenting their process of living transformation and sharing it for all to see. Me, I am grateful every day that my life-long search for a source of understanding, purpose, and integrity-based change has been found within the Desteni tools of Self-Forgiveness and the principles of what is Best For All, Give as you would like to Receive, Do onto Another what You would Like to be Done onto, and Investigate All Things and Keep what is Good. These tools and principles are things that I always have with me and can utilize during every moment of every breath so at this point, I no longer require using prescription mood and mind stabilizing medications, the mental health system, nor a religious organization. I have myself and a strong system of support which is quite a gift.

I have investigated every word within this document and checked the vocabulary to be certain that I am explaining, communicating, and sharing my research of Desteni in words that I stand by absolutely, without bias, and as a direct representation of my findings.

Carrie Tooley

Day 148: There's A Change - Now What?

Part Three of Self-Correction and Self-Commitment Statements for Self-Forgiveness on Day 145: Hearing What I Want to Hear.  Part Two is here and Part One is here.

Day 145: Hearing What I Want To Hear

When and as I see that I am not allowing myself the time to sit down and restructure my responsibilities and commitments when and as I have made changes to my living as indicated by me reacting to what I see needs to be done, I stop and breath.  I see, realize, and understand that I will only get caught up in a cycle of not getting enough done when and as I do not have a livable guideline for getting done what is important for me to get done.  I see, realize, and understand that when and as I have a practical and self-honest way of living responsibilities and commitments that I assist and support myself to no longer generate conflict as well as remove stress.

ART By Andrew Gable

I commit myself to removing stress, stopping myself from generating conflict, and no longer having an emotional reaction to what needs to be done by giving myself the time to sit down and create a practical and self-honest guideline for getting done what is important for me to get done and how exactly I will do it.  Here, I integrate this into my to-do list where I have my daily, every-other-day, and weekly responsibilities AND a guideline for how I will actually get these done.

When and as I see that I am hearing, "You are not doing enough.  You need to do more," I stop and breath.  I see, realize, and understand that when and as I believe these statements that I am placing and unnecessary amount of stress on myself and in such moments all that is required is that I do not participate and instead research what it is that I would like to be doing more of, if it is actually practical for me to integrate this point, and decide how it is that I will do as I would like to.

I commit myself to when and as I hear, "You are not doing enough.  You need to do more," to research what is is that I would like to do and to integrate the point when it is practical as per my to-do list and my guidelines for completing responsibilities, commitments, and other tasks.  Within this, I commit myself to make certain that what I would like to integrate is in alignment with what is Best For All and does not compromise my integrity.