Day 67: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 5

'Characters Creating Anger' by Andrew Gable

For previous writing and Self-Forgiveness in relation to this blog, see:
Day 66: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 4
Day 65: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 3
Day 64: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 2
Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You

From here, I will be writing practical self-correction and self-commitments for self-forgiveness written for my fear of Loss of Respect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become nervous and anxious when 'friending' others from my world on Facebook because I fear that I will 'put them off', confuse them, or lose their respect before I've had a chance to earn it because I use Facebook of as a tool to share what's happening in the world, blogs, and Eqafe interviews.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see as my mind picture-movies of the non-Destonians in my world talking to others about how 'insane/crazy' I am, that what I am doing is 'screwed up'/not 'right', and/or negative - and I don't want to be seen as a 'negative nelly'.  Again, what is in-fact happening here is that I do not want to see how negative I actually am - I do not want to admit that there are days when I am convinced that I'm going nuckin'-futs, that nothing I'm doing is 'right', that I'm extremely negative, and that I am depressed.  Instead of taking responsibility for all of these experiences of myself, I am projecting myself onto others and interpreting those others as separate from me.

When and as I see myself becoming nervous, anxious, and/or worried about 'friending' others from my day-to-day, immediate world, as indicated to me by myself wanting to give others a 'heads up' that I share negative information on Facebook, I stop.  I breath.  I do not give in to myself narrating this fear of Loss of Respect for me and thus, I commit myself to not act/react/speak for/as/on-behalf of myself within my fear of Loss of Respect and instead, breath and simply accept a 'friendship request' and/or provide the information that another has requested so that they can connect/network with me.

When and as I see a picture of others in mind as 'talking about me' negatively where 'they' talk amongst themselves about me being 'insane/crazy' or that what I am doing is 'screwed up/not right', I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that this is me projecting how I see myself on to others - that, in that moment, I am telling myself that I see myself as insane, crazy, screwed-up, not right, and being negative and within seeing this, I commit myself to suppress this negativity with blaming, becoming angry/frustrated/enraged at others and then telling myself why I am positive and not negative, and to instead, stop, breath, and assist and support myself with self-forgiving myself for what I have negatively defined myself as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become nervous and anxious each time that I publicly share any of my blogs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become nervous and anxious each time that I discuss my blogs with others in my immediate world.

When and as I see that I am nervous, worried, and/or anxious when and as I share and/or discuss my Journey To Life, Honest Parent, and/or process blogs with others from my immediate world, I stop.  I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that I may be sharing/discussing points that I have not in-fact walked and/or become equal-to - and/or that I am re-acting to something within/as myself at that moment and within either of these possibilities, I commit myself to: Before posting a blog that I am struggling with and/or having a reaction to, to go back and re-read for any points that I have missed, have not yet walked, have not become equal-to and/or any reactions that I am trying to suppress and within this process, I commit myself to not share a blog unless I am clear of a reaction and to instead first walk and show myself that I am equal-to what I am sharing - and by giving this to myself I will remove self-doubt, the need to check myself with others, and establish a relationship of self-trust.  Additionally, when in discussion with another about my writing, I commit myself to stop myself from reacting and to instead, breath, not follow the direction of the inner-dialogue within my mind, be silent, and observe my reactions so that I may assist and support myself to write the self-forgiveness and self-correction for my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I have been focusing on and/or distracting myself with others reactions to/within my writing where instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that what I see as others reactions are in-fact my reactions that I am trying to ignore so that I do not have to take responsibility for myself and can continue to use others as a point of blame for my reactions.


When and as I see that, within my mind, I am playing out others reactions to me, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that I am distracting myself with others instead of bringing these points of reactions back to myself and that by allowing this, I am ignoring myself and not giving myself the opportunity to be/become equal-to and/or understand myself as how I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become.  Within this, I commit myself to stop blaming others for my reactions to myself by when seeing that I am blaming, to stop, breath, slow myself down and bring the reaction point(s) back to myself so that I can take responsibility for myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be thoroughly disappointed, angry, and distrustful of the humans in my world - but I do not give up.  And within this 'not giving up', I continue to try a 'different' angle or try to push and put myself 'out there' with a leap of faith. What I have not seen, realized, nor understood that by taking the 'leap of faith' that I am placing my trust in others instead of establishing a relationship of self-trust with myself.

When and as I see myself pushing myself to take a 'leap of faith' from a point of not trusting myself and not 'knowing' what's going to happen and so I place my trust and faith that others 'know' how to be responsible human beings, I stop and I see, realize, and understand that I am abdicating myself by 'putting myself in the hands of another' instead of taking responsibility and investigating myself thoroughly.  Additionally, I see, realize and understand that it makes no common sense for me to push/engage with others that I am reacting to with disappointment, anger and distrust because it gets me no where.  So, I commit myself to when I am seeing myself angry, disappointed, and distrustful of others, to not react, to not engage, and to not push myself by breathing, silencing myself, and bringing the points of anger, disappointment and distrust back to myself where I will assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and practical self-correction.  Additionally, I commit myself to stop myself from taking 'leaps of faith' by making sure that I am standing by/as/for what I am expressing with absolute certainty that what I am expressing is me, equal-to me as clear and stable within that which I am expressing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how others will react to what I share of myself - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety, worry, and stress as a reaction to imagining that others will react to my writing/sharing in disgust, discomfort, worry, misunderstanding, confusion, or the usual, "I read your blog.  I see what you're doing and it makes you happy.  I don't agree with it, though."  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself that I find this incredibly frustrating because when I start asking the 'in my world blog reader' questions in regards to their perspectives and observations, they can give me no logical, practical, real, honest answer than, 'it's the whole Desteni thing - I'm not into it.'

When and as I see that I am fearing how others react to me which is indicative of me experiencing an energy reaction of anxiety, worry, stress, imagining others relationship to me as me/as I would see my relationship to me as others, and/or anticipating that there will be conflict with others, I stop.  I commit myself to investigating my anxiety, worry, stress, misunderstanding, confusion, and disagreement with myself by writing out my relationships with others and thus finding myself.  I commit myself to practice being honest with myself instead of ignoring, suppressing, deflecting, and pawning my problems off on someone else - within this, I commit myself to giving myself logical, practical, real, and honest answers about myself with writing, investigating, self-forgiving, and requesting perspective/assistance/support when I am 'stuck'.

Day 66: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 4

ART By Rozelle Destonian De Lange

For previous writing and Self-Forgiveness in relation to this blog, see:
Day 65: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 3
Day 64: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 2
Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how others will react to what I share of myself - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety, worry, and stress as a reaction to imagining that others will react to my writing/sharing in disgust, discomfort, worry, misunderstanding, confusion, or the usual, "I read your blog.  I see what you're doing and it makes you happy.  I don't agree with it, though."  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself that I find this incredibly frustrating because when I start asking the 'in my world blog reader' questions in regards to their perspectives and observations, they can give me no logical, practical, real, honest answer than, 'it's the whole Desteni thing - I'm not into it.'

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be thoroughly disappointed, angry, and distrustful of the humans in my world - but I do not give up.  And within this 'not giving up', I continue to try a 'different' angle or try to push and put myself 'out there' with a leap of faith. What I have not seen, realized, nor understood that by taking the 'leap of faith' that I am placing my trust in others instead of establishing a relationship of self-trust with myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I have been focusing on and/or distracting myself with others reactions to/within my writing where instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that what I see as others reactions are in-fact my reactions that I am trying to ignore so that I do not have to take responsibility for myself and can continue to use others as a point of blame for my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become nervous and anxious each time that I publicly share any of my blogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become nervous and anxious each time that I discuss my blogs with others in my immediate world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become nervous and anxious when 'friending' others from my world on Facebook because I fear that I will 'put them off', confuse them, or lose their respect before I've had a chance to earn it because I use Facebook of as a tool to share what's happening in the world, blogs, and Eqafe interviews.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see as my mind picture-movies of the non-Destonians in my world talking to others about how 'insane/crazy' I am, that what I am doing is 'screwed up'/not 'right', and/or negative - and I don't want to be seen as a 'negative nelly'.  Again, what is in-fact happening here is that I do not want to see how negative I actually am - I do not want to admit that there are days when I am convinced that I'm going nuckin'-futs, that nothing I'm doing is 'right', that I'm extremely negative, and that I am depressed.  Instead of taking responsibility for all of these experiences of myself, I am projecting myself onto others and interpreting those others as separate from me.

To be continued in next blog.

Day 65: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 3

ART By Anna Brix Thomsen

For previous writing and Self-Forgiveness in relation to this blog, see:
Day 64: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 2
Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I lose respect, that I will not be able to 'show my face' in the the town that I live in, the city that I work in, and the places in my world that I frequently go to/like to go to - I fear that others in my environments will reject me, be afraid of me, be nervous around me, be uncomfortable around me, judge me, and 'look' at me as if to communicate that they think/see me as insane.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'physical places and the people within those physical places' to my fear of losing respect and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I lose respect because of something that I have written or expressed, that I will lose my job which will open up an entirely 'new can of worms' as consequence including, but not limited to, having to change jobs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'losing my job and thus having to change jobs' to my fear of losing respect - and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear how others will react if I write and/or express something that could be seen and/or interpreted as disrespectful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'how others will react to if I write and/or express something that could be seen and/or interpreted as disrespectful' to fear - thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I have experienced embarrassment when I write about 'secrets' that this is a result of my fear of loss of respect and fear of change.

More Self-Forgiveness in my next entry.

Day 64: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 2

Can I Walk Away In My Next Breath - By Andrew Gable

This blog is a continuation from Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear any changes that I must face if I lose respect because I have defined myself as respectful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to that which is separate from me within and as respect and believe that if I were to lose respect/if respect were to go away, that a part of me that I have separated myself would go away.  Thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to what myself (within separation) and others have defined, believed, expressed as 'being respectful' and within this, I show and tell myself that if I were to lose respect by not 'following the rules' of the definition, that I would lose others that I have connected myself to in my world, that I would lose their support, and that they would go away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in placing myself within and as others as MY beliefs, opinions, thoughts, back-chats, knowledge and information in relation to respect, how to get respect, and how to maintain respect - where if I were to let these go, I would go.  I would disappear.  Others would 'let go of' me, I would disappear from their world and thus, I would 'have to let go' of others and they would disappear from my world - I do not like this because I am not in-control of when, when, or how it happens and I can't have that -- I must have control of myself and my relationship with others in my world.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to try and control others in my world because if I can control others in my world, I know that I am in-control and nothing - not myself, not others, no one-thing has to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and use characters paired with fear of losing respect as methods of control to keep myself and the human beings in my world as I want us to be, so that I can make sure that I do not have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might lose part of myself if I change - within this, I have self-sabotaged myself with fear of losing respect of myself and from others as an excuse and justification to not self-support myself to write-out, self-forgive, and self-correct myself to change my character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect == 'losing part of myself' as my characters and other human beings as the supporting characters in my world if I change == to Fear.  And thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my own fear of losing respect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing myself to a being that assists and supports myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction to be/become responsible, self-trusting, expressive, humble, and having self-integrity will be difficult, painful, hell, tiresome, and lonely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect == 'changing myself to a being that assists and supports myself with writing, self-forgiveness and self-correction to be/become responsible, self-trusting, expressive, humble and having self-integrity' == to Fear because if were to 'let this fear go', I would remove a back-door for myself to not change.  And thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my own fear of changing my character.

Continued in my next blog.

Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You

 

I fear losing respect from others if I write about my characters that I have created for myself that I have been living as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will lose the respect of others if I share, write, and expose my characters that I have created for myself that I have been living as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I want, need, and desire to hold on to the characters that I have created and as such, I have used my fear of loss of respect from others to ensure that I would not lose my characters and thus, within this, I was able to continue to create characters and sub-characters which 'evolved' my characters that I created which made them 'more real' which made me think, believe, and tell myself that the characters I created were/are me.

I forgive myself that I have/ accepted and allowed my fear of losing the respect of others to be equal and one with my fear of death where I tell myself that that if I were to lose the respect of others in my world because of a character that I have shared, written about, and/or exposed, that I'm 'taking the chance' of losing my system of survival as my job and those 'above me' in power that have the 'say' of whether I work and make money or not. I tell myself that others 'above me' may not like what they see about me and thus will begin the process of removing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live-out my life within and as my fear of losing respect.  I have not seen, realized,nor understood that by accepting and allowing myself to live within and as fear of losing respect, that I have manifested the fear in my life in my world - this is proven by the fact that I have lost the respect of others over-and-over-again - so holding on to my fear of losing respect has changed nothing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to self-direct myself to consider and/or imagine what my life would be like if I were to let go of my fear of losing respect because it was easier for me to simply hold onto my fear of losing respect, compound it, and make it more real for myself rather than taking responsibility for it. Additionally, I been so distracted, caught up, and/or enslaved by my fear of losing respect, that I did not allow myself  to stop my participation within and as my mind as my fear of losing respect so that I could, for a moment, consider who I would be without the illusion of fear of losing respect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my fear of losing respect is real.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how my acceptance and allowance of myself within and as my fear of losing respect has impacted my world where because I have perpetuated, nurtured and maintained my fear losing respect, I have in-turn, perpetuated, nurtured and maintained the fear of losing respect in my world.  There is no real respect in this world because if there were real respect, it would be the same yesterday and tomorrow as it is today and it would be the same respect for all equally - and because I accept and allow my respect of others and myself to change day-to-day, hour-to-hour and minute-to-minute, I thusly accept and allow it to exist with my world.

I forgive myself that I have, as an additional dimension of perpetuating, nurturing, and maintaining my fear of losing respect, passed this fear onto my children where I have taught them that if they express themselves freely, that they may in-turn, be at risk of losing respect of others and thus losing their system of survival -- I did not see, realize, nor understand that by me passing this onto others, that I was creating additional 'Me's' who would live out my fear of losing respect, be/become 'people pleasers' and then go on to pass my fear of losing respect on to others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed the back-chat of, "Holy crap. Did that person REALLY just say that about themselves?! I have just lost any and all respect for them ..." to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the back-chat of, "Holy crap.  Did that person REALLY just say that about themselves?! I have just lost any and all respect for them ..." is myself communicating to myself about myself where I am telling myself that I have lost respect for myself - which is an additional indicator that my holding onto my fear of losing respect changed nothing AND that I, am in-fact, abusing myself/beating myself up withinside and withoutside of myself when I communicate myself honestly.  Because I have projected this back-chat onto others instead of investigating myself within and as the back-chat, I did not allow myself an opportunity to see, realize, nor understand where this self-abuse is coming from within me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I 'beat myself up', punish myself, and abuse myself with fear, emotions/sadness, conflict, confusion, and the experience of falling/failing when and as I express myself with self-honesty and free expression because self-honesty and free expression were/was/is violently punished or threatened to be violently punished within my world - we do not like to see or hear the truth of ourselves through the lives, words, and actions of others, especially when those lives, words and actions are as/of/from a child.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of the memories and programming that I accept and allow myself to abuse, torment, hate, suppress, conflict, and confuse myself with.  Instead of letting go, I live out my memories and programming over and over and over again within re-calling pictures that I have stored in my mind so that I can experience an energetic reaction of negativity which I will then project onto others as blame, hatred, and spite to then experience a positive reaction when seeing myself as an 'innocent, the good guy, and only a child/baby', and thus be 'okay' with myself as the neutral within telling myself, "It's over now.  You're a survivor. There's nothing you can do until they come to you and tell you how wrong and sorry they are."

I will continue in my next blog entry.

Day 62: Dear God, Thank You For Making Me Amazing :)

I will get back to this point.

Day 61: Self-Commitment To Balanced Daily Living

This blog is my Self-Commitment to change my living as I have realized, via writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction from the blog list that follows, that I will best assist and support myself by giving myself the gift of balance and structure within the hours of my days.

Here is the documentation of my process of writing, self-responsibility, self-realizations, and physical self-movement to bring about a change in my living:
Day 60: Balancing My Living
Day 59: Nothing I Do Is Wrong - Self-Realizations
Day 58: Nothing I Do Is Wrong - Self-Forgiveness, Continued
and
Day 57: Nothing I Do Is Wrong

For additional context refer to:
Day 56: I Am More Than You - Self-Correction, Continued
Day 55: I Am More - More Than You - Self-Correction for
Day 54: I Am More - More Than You - Continued   
Day 53: I Am More - More Than You
Day 52: I Am Above This - Continued - Self-Correction ,
Day 51: I Am Above This - Continued
Day 50: I Am Above This  
Day 49: I Am Perfect , and
Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person

Here is my solution where I have distributed 24 hours of time within a day to assist myself in completing tasks, responsibilities, chores, and/or commitments:



Here is my Self-Correction for my mistakes that I now see, realize, and understand followed by my Self-Commitments to a practical, livable solution:

When and as I see that I am not supporting myself as indicated by myself blaming, not wanting to do the work, not living my daily self-commitments, not completing responsibilities/tasks/agreements, pushing others 'buttons',distracting myself, participating in back-chat, and/or moving myself 'in circles', I stop.  I breath and slow myself.  I see, realize, and understand that I must move myself to effectively live-up to my commitments, responsibilities, chores, and agreements to bring about stability and balance within myself and my living - this is LIFE, this is Living.  I commit myself to support myself from living out my life in/of/as my mind and to instead live LIFE for real by physically moving myself within my days here to LIVE my responsibilities, tasks, agreements, and self-commitments by equally distributing, as much as possible, 24 hours of my day.  Within this, I commit myself to distribute my time as equally as practically is possible by following the above Daily Responsibility Check-List where I use the allotted amount of time for each task, responsibility, agreement and/or self-commitment and thus, I commit myself to physically teach myself discipline within following the structure of my Daily Responsibility Check-List.

When and as I see that I am not supporting others as indicated by myself not reading and/or sharing the Journey To Life blogs, asking others to take responsibility for my mistakes or areas that I'm not supporting myself, and/or telling others what they 'should' or 'shouldn't' do, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that all are in process of developing and expanding ourselves - also, I see, realize, and understand that the best way to support others is to support myself and within this, I will lead by example.  I commit myself to stop myself from pointing out others ineffectiveness and/or lack of support of themselves and instead to communicate and share my own seeing, realizing, understanding, and solutions within points that are aligned to what others are facing.