Day 91: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 4

Posted on February 1, 2013

 

While looking at my backchat, I realized that the person who has made past threats to have others committed is someone that I always wanted to have on my side. When I listen to the stories that this person tells me about the people that they’ve won against, how they have used the system, and some of the levels that they have had to go to get their desired result, I think to myself, “Thank god this person is on MY SIDE – I do not want to get on their bad side.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear another based on the stories that I have heard of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe what I hear of and from the mouths of others rather than investigating what I am hearing before making a directed decision to agree with or not agree with what’s being presented.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am safe if I have a dangerous, abusive, and immoral person on ‘my side’ because I tell myself that that person will stop at nothing, experience no guilt, and experience no consequence within protecting my self interest. Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a person that does not value the lives of others to stand in my place and represent me because I did not see myself as capable of standing up and being responsible for myself and my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world where dangerous, abusive, and immoral beings are given power because I have accepted and allowed a world in which I live in fear of.  I live in fear of what could happen here and I fear what I have and could become as a person that needs to survive here.  Because I fear the consequences of becoming dangerous, abusive, and immoral being, I allowed another to do the ‘dirty work’ for me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself  that I do not want to commit to anything or anyone here because I do not trust that what I devote myself to will not come back and ‘bite me’.  Because I have been in-fear of what others and anything outside of myself can ‘do to me’ and distracted by this, I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I must bring this point of trust back to myself – I must trust myself to do and live what is best – and within this, I am thus able to live my self-commitments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, see, and imagine that any of my self-commitments have anything to do with anyone else but myself – it is all me as what I can do to become a being that is actually living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for allowing another – who I was aware did not value the lives of others – to stand in my place, stand-up for me, defend me, and take responsibility for almost all aspects of my living.  When I consider what I have accepted and allowed, I experience guilt, remorse, and slow, deep painful fear reaction in my solar plexus.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the memories, guilt, and remorse for what I have done and the consequential outflows of my decisions.

Day 90: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 3

Posted on January 27, 2013

 

There is another meaning to the word ‘Commit’ which has come up again in my life as ‘Committed’ where others have said of me, “Can’t we just have her committed?” And it’s interesting that this point came up because I looked at this point specifically in a blog that I shared where, in the past, another has threatened to have another person in our lives ‘committed’ with the reasoning that they ‘can’t be trusted to take care of themselves’.

The reality is that this threat was made in an attempt to gain control over another because there was disapproval, disagreement, and our family-friend did not do as ‘they were told’.

This is something that I feared happening to me because if another were able to commit me, it would de-value me and say to the world that I cannot be trusted with the life that I have been given.  I would lose any ‘say’, I would be seen for the rest of my life as unstable, and I would no longer be able to make decisions that are best for myself, my family, and the other points in my life that are important to me.
I took it personal when another brought up having me committed – I mean, what if they could get away with it – what does this say about how they see me?  Do they really have no respect or value for my life what-so-ever?

And, how far would they go?  Does it end here with them saying, “Well, too bad we can’t have her committed …” and move on – or will they look for reasons, angles, information, and experiences that I’ve shared that they could use against me?

The fact is – I do not trust this system – I’ve seen weirder more irrational and WTF situations and outcomes happen here than clear, common-sense, practical situations and outcomes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when I hear that another in my life asked the question, “Can’t we just have her committed?”  I took it personal, I became angry, and I asked myself, “How could they even consider doing this to me?”

See – if this person had been reading my blogs  they would have read about my walking my fear of commitment – they would have understood and not 'gone there'.

Lol – I’ve been here before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect another to behave or be a certain way that matches how my ideal relationship would be with them within my imagination. In my mind, I see my ideal relationship with this person as being calm, supportive, reasonable, accepting, and reasonable – I imagine soft smiles, warm hugs, and each protecting, standing-up-for, and looking out for each others best interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed because another has not changed to become what -I- want.  Within me I have an expectation of myself that I must change others by changing myself and because of this, when others do not change to match what I imagine they could be, I experience a disappointment with myself for not changing them and a disappointment with others for not changing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that others not changing is an indication that I am not changing – and thus, within believing this thought, I set myself up for an experience of being a failure within this I tell myself that I have undertaken an impossible task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my thought, “This is impossible.  Us human beings are never going to be able to fix ourselves.”  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this thought to exist within and as me.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that this is me as my mind giving me the opportunity to take the easy, lazy way out – because, after all, if I tell myself that it is impossible and if I believe and live within my decision to believe this, then I don’t have to put in much effort – alls I’ve gotta say is, “Why bother?” Shrug, and move on within my process at my own pace for my own benefit exclusively.

So, these are points that have come up within me in-relation to this side of of the Word Commitment.  What really needs to be looked at here, however, is my fear of being Committed, as being committed to a mental facility and losing my human right to make decisions for myself and my child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to tell myself that the ability to make decisions is my human right.  Because I believe this, I fear losing this and I fight for this – I wage war within and without to protect my ability to make decisions.  I do not see that this is me fighting for my individuality to protect who ‘I Am’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my ability to direct who I Am because I have created the belief that one who loses their ability to direct who they are is insane, deranged, crazy, irrational, psychotic, and anti-social.  Because I fear being seen how I see others who have lost their ability to direct themselves, I do not allow myself to let go of my control over myself with my thoughts, beliefs, imaginations, backchats, and reactions.  I fear that any change within and as me may lead to the embarrassment of losing my ability to make decisions for myself, my life, and my child.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow an imagination of myself in a straight-jacket or trapped in a mental hospital with my ass hanging out of hospital gown to keep me from changing and standing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a picture/moving imagery of me that is not real, that has not happened, that has never happened, and probably won’t happen to have control and power over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative experience of being lost, confined, trapped, frustrated, screaming, and pulling at my hair to the imagination of myself trapped in a mental hospital as a way to instill additional fear within myself so that I avoid changing within a moment to breath, not react, and to explore common-sense and practical solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the positive experience of humor and making-fun-of-myself to the experience of being lost, confined, trapped, frustrated, screaming, pulling at my hair, and having my ass hanging out as to separate myself from my fear and panic of imagining myself in this way.

Day 89: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 2

Posted on January 21, 2013

 

“I have never committed myself to anything in my entire life.”

This was the first sentence that I wrote during Day 1 of my Journey To Life blog.  I am still saying this.  I use these words and say these words to keep myself locked into my commitments.

When I am presented with a decision to live by my commitments or to not live by my commitments, I will go back into my memories and recall pictures of myself and others within experiences where myself and others did not live up to commitments.  I will show myself the sequence of events and look for the negativity as what myself and others did to each other that was ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ because we did not live up to our commitments.  When I find the negative, I experience a painful, sickening sensation in my solar plexus with which I then use my imagination to implant my assumptions into the scenario which make the situation much worse, more painful, and more dreadful.  I say to myself, “How could you have done this to that person?  How is it that you did not see how this could have hurt someone else?  What is wrong with you?”
The pain and guilt is so intense that I create a fear and I say to myself, “I can never do this again.  I must prove that I am not a bad person.”

So, when I consider not living up to my commitments, I will make myself do it with fear where I tell myself that if I do not stay committed to something that I agreed upon that ‘Bad Things’ are going to happen – people are going to get hurt, I am going to get hurt, and/or I will create another mess for myself to dig myself out of.

When I say, “I have never committed myself to anything in my entire life,” this is an expression of my fear, guilt, and self-inflicted pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the words, “I have never committed myself to anything in my entire life,” to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak the words, “I have never committed myself to anything in my entire life,” and thus, because I speak these words that exist within me, I make these words real for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have never committed myself to anything in my entire life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I create a thought that I have never committed myself to anything in my entire life that this thought is true – that this thought is who I Am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a thought of Who I Am from my imagination within events, situations, experiences, memories, and/or scenarios.

When I was writing out the words, “How could you have done this to that person?  How is it that you did not see how this could have hurt someone else?  What is wrong with you?,” I saw a picture of others from my childhood past saying these words to me.   And then, I hear the voice continue and it changes to one person saying, “Don’t be stupid kid.  Think before you speak. Don’t you know how to use your brain?”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed others thoughts to become my thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of my picture and words memories that were passed onto me by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thoughts, “How could you have done this to that person?”, “How is it that you did not see how this could have hurt someone else?”, “What is wrong with you?”, “Don’t be stupid kid.  Think before you speak.  Don’t you know how to use your brain?” to exist within and as me.

Day 88: Journey To Life Review – Day 1

Posted on January 20, 2013

 

Day 1 of my Journey To Life blog I was struggling with the word ‘commitment’.  I remember quite clearly that when I read or heard the word ‘commitment’ that I would have a fear and anxiety reaction.  Since then, I was able to walk my fears and anxiety in relation to the word ‘commitment’ and within my DIP Lessons, I was able to re-define the word ‘commitment’ to mean: When I say that I’m going to do something, I do it.
I used to avoid commitment in my life and now I do not – I see commitments as challenges to live in by what I say and to show myself that I can take responsibility for my life and the lives of those that depend on me.
From where I am now, I see that I have connected a new fears to the word ‘commitment’ and those are ‘failure’ and ‘consequence’.  I fear that if I fail or fall within my commitments that I will let myself down – that I will disappoint myself and from here, allow myself to go into self-sabotage and possibly go back to the way that I was before as someone that avoided any commitment, did not direct myself, did not hold myself accountable, and dreaming for a free-spirited life.   As an additional layer of this fear of commitment, I see my fear of my self-commitments that I have made in my blogs, assignments, and in-private because if I do not live up to my self-commitments – the consequence is myself experiencing myself as emotional, overwhelmed, imagining the all sorts of crazy stuff, and backchatting which I then become unstable within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘commitment, failure, and consequence’ to fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will disappoint myself, let myself down, and go back to the way that I was before deciding to walk my process with Desteni, if I were to fail to live up to any of my commitments and/or responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making any additional self-commitments as well as fearing any past self-commitments that I have made where because I fear my instability, have separated myself from my instability, and do not want to face myself within my instability, I blame my instability on the self-commitments that I have made as though they are existing in some universe out there beyond my understanding and are coming back to get me like Karma.

I forgive myself that I have accepted allowed myself to imagine consequence as a big, scarey,  and all-powerful Universe Monster that’s coming to get me if I do not stand and live my commitments, responsibilities, and my self-commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I do not have to apply myself ‘all the time’ within my commitments, self-commitments, and responsibilities because ‘I’ve walked it and  lived it enough already – I get it – and it doesn’t apply to me anymore so I can do what I want now’
.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am telling myself that I have transcended the points within my commitments, self-commitments, and responsibilities because I do not actually want to change and that I do not want to let go of my patterns, habits, and addictions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my imagination to scare myself into not making any changes because within myself I have made it okay to justify my not changing because of the consequences I have imagined in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself ‘whoa … okay, then, it’s decided, I’m not changing,” when and as I imagine something bad happening if I let go of a pattern, habit, or addiction because from this imagining I create a physical fear reaction in my solar plexus that spreads through my body like a hot wave.  I gasp. I panic.  I say, “No way. I can’t I go there. Too risky.”

Day 87: Review, Release, Redefine, Rescript, Recommit

Posted on January 19, 2013

 

Over the past couple of days that I have not written in my JTL, I have moved from trying to keep myself together amongst the chaos, to being completely unstable and requiring immediate support, to then writing in-private what I had experienced of myself and what I have become since writing my last JTL entry.  With some assistance, I was able to see that I am not living my self-commitments and I am not letting go of my addictions, characters, my Ego, excuses, justifications, reasons, blames, expectations and backchats.
From here, I see it as best for myself to move back-ward to the beginning of my JTL blogs, review my process, and re-commit myself with self-commitments that can be practically lived.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and anxiety for not writing in my Journey To Life blog because I do not want to be seen negatively by others as not doing the work, not pushing myself, lost within chaos of myself, and in-need of intervention.  Instead of seeing that this is myself projecting my judgement, self-doubt, and dis-trust of myself onto others, I separated myself from these points that came up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a failure because I could not see clearly during this time when I saw my life in absolute chaos and clouded by backchats that I had made a self-commitment to not allow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being weak because I required assistance and support from another outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a failure because I am not applying the tools that I have learned and living my self-commitments.

I see that I am creating this chaos because I do not want to let go of my need for speed, my addictions, my characters, my false independence, my judgements and the lies that I have created myself as because this is how I have survived and gotten to where I am in this world system of money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and anxiety when I imagine myself without my speed, my addictions, my characters, the independence and strength that I project, my judgement calls, and the lies that I have created myself to be – in my mind, I see myself as not being able to support my family, having nothing to fall back on within my system of survival, and having to face disappointment and failure because I did not ‘make it in this world’.  I panic and immediately tell myself, “This is impossible.  I must have these things.  No one is going to bail me out – there is no other option for me.  So, to get through this – I must continue as I have and not change a thing.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be paralyzed with fear when I consider a future that does not include myself moving fast, thinking fast, being on drugs that assist me in moving faster and/or finding replacement for these drugs such as sugars to maintain alertness and the appearance of being a ‘positive force’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I use memories of myself as I was before I developed myself to be a ‘hard-working machine’ where within these memories I recall how others within my working world reacted negatively to me and wanted to fire me and so from these memories, I decide day-after-day to never be this person at any cost and that I will do whatever it takes to be successful.
In my next entry, I will begin the process of going back to Day 1 of my Journey To Life, reviewing my commitments, looking at where I have not been effective and why, and then assisting and supporting myself with re-writing my self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitments when and as it is relevant to me practically walking my process back to here.

Day 86: The Enemy

Posted on January 15, 2013

Walked in-private.

Day 56: I Am More - Self-Correction, Continued

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This blog entry is continued Self-Correction from Day 55: I Am More - More Than You - Self-Correction for Day 54: I Am More - More Than You - Continued,  Day 53: I Am More - More Than You writings and Self-Forgiveness.  For additional context, refer to: Day 52: I Am Above This - Continued - Self-Correction,  Day 51: I Am Above This - Continued, Day 50: I Am Above This, Day 49: I Am Perfect, and Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person

When and as I see myself separating myself from others from fear that others will bother me, bully me, challenge me, harass me, embarrass me, and/or talk crap about me, I stop. I clearly see, realize, and understand that I am fearing myself as I have 'bothered', bullied, challenged, harassed, embarrassed, and talked crap about others - and within this, I now see realize and understand that I have 'bothered', bullied, challenged, harassed, embarrassed, and talked crap about others to get attention from others within my world and that by separating myself from others that demonstrate these same behaviors, that I am separating myself from myself.  I commit myself to stop distancing myself from others within and as my mind by becoming equal-to what I am seeing in others that I am uncomfortable with via observing myself, writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.  Additionally, I commit myself to no longer bully, harass, intentionally embarrass, or talk crap about others by slowing myself with breath and not allowing myself to act/speak out/as the narrator within me - instead, I commit myself to writing out my narrator, self-forgiving my narrator,  and self-correcting myself to act/speak out/as a being that values, cares, and considers life.

When and as I see that I am considering manipulating others for attention as indicated by myself feeling insecure, 'less-than', small, being 'little', 'curling into' myself, hearing my tone of voice change to a higher-pitch within me, and seeing myself within my mind as physically going to someone bigger than me for comfort, I stop - I commit myself to not act on my desire to comfort my insecurities by 'going-to' and/or manipulating another for attention, but to instead slow myself with breathing and go back within myself to the point/trigger in which I told and/or showed myself something that I experienced insecurity from and from here, write out my investigation of myself, self-forgive myself, self-correct myself and make a practical agreement with myself for a solution where I am giving myself what I am seeking in others.

Additionally within this, when I see myself going to the opposite polarity of 'being little' to 'being big', being strong, setting my jaw, becoming firm, flexing my muscles, and 'puffing' myself 'up', I stop, I breath, I relax.  I see, realize, and understand that this is myself changing my character to manipulate depending on the environment and the beings within the environment so that I can get attention - I see, realize, and understand that any of these attention-getting behaviors as characters have been created by myself from a foundation of my fear of loss which I show to myself by not seeing myself as 'good enough', as 'missing out'/'missing something', and experiencing myself as insecure within this.  I commit myself to stop myself from acting out my attention-seeking-chameleon characters by NOT expressing/being what myself as my mind is telling/showing me to do in a moment to get attention, instead, I breath, I relax, and I bring myself here, and give myself and opportunity to BE here, as myself, in moments with others.

When and as I see myself working on a personality/character/plan that would place me in a position of importance/power/being THE ONE/being the savior, I stop. I now see, realize, and understand that my leadership role in my world is and had begun from a platform of fear of loss - where if I have had importance, respect, power, helped/protected others, and been the ONLY ONE that could do this for others, that I would secure my position in the world/in the group/on the team and thus be irreplaceable - I am starting to see the not cool consequences of this and thus, for the moment, I commit myself to stop myself from working on securing my place/my status/my position in my world and the others in my life by NOT ACTING on my programming that I created from fear - I commit myself to, instead, for the moment, develop and establish a trusting relationship with myself by showing myself that I can SUPPORT MYSELF with daily writing in my Journey To Life blog, catching up on and submitting assignments on-time, attending and participating in scheduled chats, stabilizing myself/my relationships/my animals/other life that I have taken responsibility for at home and effectively completing tasks within my survival system - EQUALLY.