Day 144: ADD and ADHD - What's The Difference?

1. What is the difference between ADD and ADHD?

Attention deficit disorder (ADD) is a general term frequently used to describe individuals that have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder without the hyperactive and impulsive behaviors. The terms ADD and ADHD are often used interchangeably for both those who do and those who do not have symptoms of hyperactivity and impulsiveness. 

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is the official name used by the American Psychiatric Association, and it encompasses hyperactive, impulsive, and/or inattentive behaviors.

Problem

• ADD and ADHD are being clumped together.  When one does a search for ADD, the symptoms, causes, and treatments for ADHD will show up on the search.  ADD and ADHD are two totally different problems for different reasons that are not understood.  One has to dig to find scientific differentiation between the two disorders.
• What is not understood is that ADD and ADHD are coping mechanisms.  Yes, the symptoms are quite real - however, what is not understood is how the person actually developed ADD and ADHD and how the person uses these mind-developments as a means to tune out their environment.
• Medical and Psychological sciences have not yet made a connection between the factors within a child's physical environment - from womb, birth, and on - and the child's development of ADD or ADHD.  There is a common thread that the mother smoked cigarettes or drank alcohol during her pregnancy with the child as well as a genetic pattern.  The sciences are not looking beyond this point - they never have.  Being a person with ADD, this lack of interest of the medical and psychological sciences in the actual causes and potential cures for ADD and ADHD has been something that is frustrating and aggravating because there is no actual support - no one knows what the heck is going on or is putting 1+1 together as to WHY there are so many beings with ADD and ADHD today as compared to 20 years ago.
• Instead of getting the core of the problem and using resources to assist the human in curing this disorder, those with ADD and ADHD are given Cocaine-like drugs, suggestions for changing their choices of food, behavior modification therapy, and/or a pat on the back and told, 'Good luck!'  There are some homeopathic remedies which are supportive in re-building the structure of the brain which assists with person's learning - however, again, we are not looking at fixing the core-source-origin point of the problem as we're not putting 1+1 together.
• The healthcare system is giving ADD patients the identical medications, therapies, and suggestions for ADHD living which is a huge mistake. 

Solution

Utilize the scientific resources that we have to fully understand the problem with ADD and ADHD.  See, realize, and understand that medicating the symptoms of ADD and ADHD that make others uncomfortable is not going to make the problem go away and that it's most likely going to get worse - also within this, stop giving those with ADD drugs that are designed for ADHD as this is actually makes a person with ADD into a person with ADHD.  

As it is realized that ADD and ADHD are coping mechanisms used to 'tune out' the environment, we must re-educate the person to no longer tune out their environment and to instead find ways of taking responsibility for it and changing it. 

We utilize our Psychologists to be an actual support point for assisting others with ADD and ADHD with making the best decisions and showing ways that these decisions can be lived - and we continue to do this until the person establishes self-trust and shows the ability to make the best decisions over-and-over-again. 

Reward

Instead of having generations upon generations of humans medicated with Meth-Amphetamines and other reality-altering drugs to assist them in ignoring the problems that are here and having to continually live with the consequences of this within our world, we create a new human that takes responsibility for their family, their community, and their world and has the ability to make the best decisions.

We can relax because we've actually solved a problem instead of ignoring it - and within this, improved our world for ourselves, others, and future generations of others.

Establish trust with ourselves and others in our world - trust with ourselves that nothing is 'too much' to handle and trust with others that they can handle problems, make the best decisions, and live in a way that is best for everyone. 

Day 143: Ending My Relationship With Smoking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use smoking as an escape from life, a way to make myself push through life, and as a reward for times when the 'job is done'. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a place in my imagination for me to escape to - where, for the first time in months, I escape to my mind within my thoughts and my imagination for long-periods of time without stopping myself because I do not want to be here and facing the reality of myself without my time-outs and smoke breaks.  Because if I cannot have a physical break, I create one within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate a reward of 'something' within and throughout my day where I have programmed myself to constantly be chasing after the carrot (cigarette) on the string.  I saw but did not want to believe that when and as I would make the decision to stop smoking, that the process would be difficult and disruptive because of the extent of the rewards I have given myself for doing even the most menial/simple tasks.  The consequence of this is that I have trouble functioning within my daily tasks/responsibilities because I have tied all of these things into smoking.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let smoking go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as my mind to re-mind me over-and-over-again as pictures of myself that I would/should/could be enjoying a smoke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be triggered into an addictive response when and as I tell myself, "No.  Stop. That is not happening," as a re-direction from me showing myself as thoughts and imaginations of me sitting down and having a nice, quiet smoke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and experience guilt for the reactions that I have had while the drug is being removed from my body.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be reactive to others because of my irritation at myself within the detoxing process as well as accepting and allowing myself to be required to go through this process - when I could have made the decision to not start smoking at all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself because I have made a decision that makes me physically uncomfortable, someone unstable, tired, sick to my stomach, and placed myself in a position where I am bored and restless.  Because I let this anger accumulate within and as me instead of directing this with Self-Forgiveness, it has spilled out and I have projected it outward which is not cool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself and thus expect that others should support me within my decision to stop smoking and that others should change their daily living/routines so that I do not have to worry and can focus on breathing and relaxing. Regardless of the fact that I see, realize, and understand that having expectations for others to change any part of their anything that isn't directed by themselves is a HUGE mistake and only sets me up for a situation in-which I will accumulate more anger and other negative emotions because I am reacting to my backchat of things not working out in the best way for ME.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest with myself that I'm so emotional and angry because I do not like my decision - I do not like that within my decision, I have forced myself to give up my moment-to-moment incentives, rewards, and escape-times.

I stopped smoking cigarettes this week.  It is interesting to see how I use smoking as both an escape and a reward.  I've found that I need to keep physically moving and breathing as a way to keep myself from going into my mind and into my imagination where I can create a space to escape from the day-to-day moments of my life.  The reward part is the tough one and is the point throughout my day that will trigger my addiction response.  As I write I am fidgeting in my seat, rocking back and forth, keep looking out the window, and continually having to bring myself back from the 'fuzziness' in my head.  I have spent most of my time this week outside and I started cardio and strength training again.

My decision to stop smoking was because I wanted to.  That's pretty much it.  There's the health factors to consider but those weren't entirely apart of my decision process and instead an incentive.  This is one of those decisions that was made in a moment and that is that - these are my favorite decisions because after the decision is made, all I have to do is physically walk it and make the changes required to make sure that the decision can be lived.

The problem that I have faced is that I used smoking as both quick get-away and a reward for completing almost every task.  So, when I experienced myself as emotional, I'd quickly run out (escape) and have a smoke. Or, after I got the dishes done, I'd go have a smoke.  And now that I'm not smoking, there is no escape and there is no reward - lol.  There's this lingering anticipation that exists within and as me - like, I am expecting at any moment to get a reward and then I remember, "Oh, right.  There is no reward ..."  And so I move and breath.

I have deliberately avoided writing for the last two days because I used to take smoke breaks while I was writing or use the anticipated reward of the cigarette to push myself through finishing a writing.  I have paired smoking with other activities as well so I'm currently working on restructuring - AGAIN.

It is fascinating to see the moments within my day when I would have run out.  It's like I was giving myself 'time-out's from life.  I mean, any little tiny point of reaction and I was outta here for 10 minutes, plus or minus.  I see that it could be the tone of another's voice, a certain expression, or a moment that I'm uncomfortable being in.

So, it's an interesting time in my life right now - all this cool (and not-so-cool) stuff is right here where I can see it and investigate it rather than ignore it, forget about it, or rush through it. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-142-smoke-break.html#sthash.Z40sx62N.dpuf

I stopped smoking cigarettes this week.  It is interesting to see how I use smoking as both an escape and a reward.  I've found that I need to keep physically moving and breathing as a way to keep myself from going into my mind and into my imagination where I can create a space to escape from the day-to-day moments of my life.  The reward part is the tough one and is the point throughout my day that will trigger my addiction response.  As I write I am fidgeting in my seat, rocking back and forth, keep looking out the window, and continually having to bring myself back from the 'fuzziness' in my head.  I have spent most of my time this week outside and I started cardio and strength training again.

My decision to stop smoking was because I wanted to.  That's pretty much it.  There's the health factors to consider but those weren't entirely apart of my decision process and instead an incentive.  This is one of those decisions that was made in a moment and that is that - these are my favorite decisions because after the decision is made, all I have to do is physically walk it and make the changes required to make sure that the decision can be lived.

The problem that I have faced is that I used smoking as both quick get-away and a reward for completing almost every task.  So, when I experienced myself as emotional, I'd quickly run out (escape) and have a smoke. Or, after I got the dishes done, I'd go have a smoke.  And now that I'm not smoking, there is no escape and there is no reward - lol.  There's this lingering anticipation that exists within and as me - like, I am expecting at any moment to get a reward and then I remember, "Oh, right.  There is no reward ..."  And so I move and breath.

I have deliberately avoided writing for the last two days because I used to take smoke breaks while I was writing or use the anticipated reward of the cigarette to push myself through finishing a writing.  I have paired smoking with other activities as well so I'm currently working on restructuring - AGAIN.

It is fascinating to see the moments within my day when I would have run out.  It's like I was giving myself 'time-out's from life.  I mean, any little tiny point of reaction and I was outta here for 10 minutes, plus or minus.  I see that it could be the tone of another's voice, a certain expression, or a moment that I'm uncomfortable being in.

So, it's an interesting time in my life right now - all this cool (and not-so-cool) stuff is right here where I can see it and investigate it rather than ignore it, forget about it, or rush through it. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-142-smoke-break.html#sthash.Z40sx62N.dpuf

I stopped smoking cigarettes this week.  It is interesting to see how I use smoking as both an escape and a reward.  I've found that I need to keep physically moving and breathing as a way to keep myself from going into my mind and into my imagination where I can create a space to escape from the day-to-day moments of my life.  The reward part is the tough one and is the point throughout my day that will trigger my addiction response.  As I write I am fidgeting in my seat, rocking back and forth, keep looking out the window, and continually having to bring myself back from the 'fuzziness' in my head.  I have spent most of my time this week outside and I started cardio and strength training again.

My decision to stop smoking was because I wanted to.  That's pretty much it.  There's the health factors to consider but those weren't entirely apart of my decision process and instead an incentive.  This is one of those decisions that was made in a moment and that is that - these are my favorite decisions because after the decision is made, all I have to do is physically walk it and make the changes required to make sure that the decision can be lived.

The problem that I have faced is that I used smoking as both quick get-away and a reward for completing almost every task.  So, when I experienced myself as emotional, I'd quickly run out (escape) and have a smoke. Or, after I got the dishes done, I'd go have a smoke.  And now that I'm not smoking, there is no escape and there is no reward - lol.  There's this lingering anticipation that exists within and as me - like, I am expecting at any moment to get a reward and then I remember, "Oh, right.  There is no reward ..."  And so I move and breath.

I have deliberately avoided writing for the last two days because I used to take smoke breaks while I was writing or use the anticipated reward of the cigarette to push myself through finishing a writing.  I have paired smoking with other activities as well so I'm currently working on restructuring - AGAIN.

It is fascinating to see the moments within my day when I would have run out.  It's like I was giving myself 'time-out's from life.  I mean, any little tiny point of reaction and I was outta here for 10 minutes, plus or minus.  I see that it could be the tone of another's voice, a certain expression, or a moment that I'm uncomfortable being in.

So, it's an interesting time in my life right now - all this cool (and not-so-cool) stuff is right here where I can see it and investigate it rather than ignore it, forget about it, or rush through it. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-142-smoke-break.html#sthash.Z40sx62N.dpuf

I stopped smoking cigarettes this week.  It is interesting to see how I use smoking as both an escape and a reward.  I've found that I need to keep physically moving and breathing as a way to keep myself from going into my mind and into my imagination where I can create a space to escape from the day-to-day moments of my life.  The reward part is the tough one and is the point throughout my day that will trigger my addiction response.  As I write I am fidgeting in my seat, rocking back and forth, keep looking out the window, and continually having to bring myself back from the 'fuzziness' in my head.  I have spent most of my time this week outside and I started cardio and strength training again.

My decision to stop smoking was because I wanted to.  That's pretty much it.  There's the health factors to consider but those weren't entirely apart of my decision process and instead an incentive.  This is one of those decisions that was made in a moment and that is that - these are my favorite decisions because after the decision is made, all I have to do is physically walk it and make the changes required to make sure that the decision can be lived.

The problem that I have faced is that I used smoking as both quick get-away and a reward for completing almost every task.  So, when I experienced myself as emotional, I'd quickly run out (escape) and have a smoke. Or, after I got the dishes done, I'd go have a smoke.  And now that I'm not smoking, there is no escape and there is no reward - lol.  There's this lingering anticipation that exists within and as me - like, I am expecting at any moment to get a reward and then I remember, "Oh, right.  There is no reward ..."  And so I move and breath.

I have deliberately avoided writing for the last two days because I used to take smoke breaks while I was writing or use the anticipated reward of the cigarette to push myself through finishing a writing.  I have paired smoking with other activities as well so I'm currently working on restructuring - AGAIN.

It is fascinating to see the moments within my day when I would have run out.  It's like I was giving myself 'time-out's from life.  I mean, any little tiny point of reaction and I was outta here for 10 minutes, plus or minus.  I see that it could be the tone of another's voice, a certain expression, or a moment that I'm uncomfortable being in.

So, it's an interesting time in my life right now - all this cool (and not-so-cool) stuff is right here where I can see it and investigate it rather than ignore it, forget about it, or rush through it. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-142-smoke-break.html#sthash.Z40sx62N.dpuf

I stopped smoking cigarettes this week.  It is interesting to see how I use smoking as both an escape and a reward.  I've found that I need to keep physically moving and breathing as a way to keep myself from going into my mind and into my imagination where I can create a space to escape from the day-to-day moments of my life.  The reward part is the tough one and is the point throughout my day that will trigger my addiction response.  As I write I am fidgeting in my seat, rocking back and forth, keep looking out the window, and continually having to bring myself back from the 'fuzziness' in my head.  I have spent most of my time this week outside and I started cardio and strength training again.

My decision to stop smoking was because I wanted to.  That's pretty much it.  There's the health factors to consider but those weren't entirely apart of my decision process and instead an incentive.  This is one of those decisions that was made in a moment and that is that - these are my favorite decisions because after the decision is made, all I have to do is physically walk it and make the changes required to make sure that the decision can be lived.

The problem that I have faced is that I used smoking as both quick get-away and a reward for completing almost every task.  So, when I experienced myself as emotional, I'd quickly run out (escape) and have a smoke. Or, after I got the dishes done, I'd go have a smoke.  And now that I'm not smoking, there is no escape and there is no reward - lol.  There's this lingering anticipation that exists within and as me - like, I am expecting at any moment to get a reward and then I remember, "Oh, right.  There is no reward ..."  And so I move and breath.

I have deliberately avoided writing for the last two days because I used to take smoke breaks while I was writing or use the anticipated reward of the cigarette to push myself through finishing a writing.  I have paired smoking with other activities as well so I'm currently working on restructuring - AGAIN.

It is fascinating to see the moments within my day when I would have run out.  It's like I was giving myself 'time-out's from life.  I mean, any little tiny point of reaction and I was outta here for 10 minutes, plus or minus.  I see that it could be the tone of another's voice, a certain expression, or a moment that I'm uncomfortable being in.

So, it's an interesting time in my life right now - all this cool (and not-so-cool) stuff is right here where I can see it and investigate it rather than ignore it, forget about it, or rush through it. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-142-smoke-break.html#sthash.Z40sx62N.dpuf

Day 142: SMOKE BREAK!

 

I stopped smoking cigarettes this week.  It is interesting to see how I use smoking as both an escape and a reward.  I've found that I need to keep physically moving and breathing as a way to keep myself from going into my mind and into my imagination where I can create a space to escape from the day-to-day moments of my life.  The reward part is the tough one and is the point throughout my day that will trigger my addiction response.  As I write I am fidgeting in my seat, rocking back and forth, keep looking out the window, and continually having to bring myself back from the 'fuzziness' in my head.  I have spent most of my time this week outside and I started cardio and strength training again.

My decision to stop smoking was because I wanted to.  That's pretty much it.  There's the health factors to consider but those weren't entirely apart of my decision process and instead an incentive.  This is one of those decisions that was made in a moment and that is that - these are my favorite decisions because after the decision is made, all I have to do is physically walk it and make the changes required to make sure that the decision can be lived.

The problem that I have faced is that I used smoking as both quick get-away and a reward for completing almost every task.  So, when I experienced myself as emotional, I'd quickly run out (escape) and have a smoke. Or, after I got the dishes done, I'd go have a smoke.  And now that I'm not smoking, there is no escape and there is no reward - lol.  There's this lingering anticipation that exists within and as me - like, I am expecting at any moment to get a reward and then I remember, "Oh, right.  There is no reward ..."  And so I move and breath.

I have deliberately avoided writing for the last two days because I used to take smoke breaks while I was writing or use the anticipated reward of the cigarette to push myself through finishing a writing.  I have paired smoking with other activities as well so I'm currently working on restructuring - AGAIN.

It is fascinating to see the moments within my day when I would have run out.  It's like I was giving myself 'time-out's from life.  I mean, any little tiny point of reaction and I was outta here for 10 minutes, plus or minus.  I see that it could be the tone of another's voice, a certain expression, or a moment that I'm uncomfortable being in.

So, it's an interesting time in my life right now - all this cool (and not-so-cool) stuff is right here where I can see it and investigate it rather than ignore it, forget about it, or rush through it.

Day 141: Is ADD Real?

 

Is ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) Real?

Yes. ADD is a real, actual physical experience of limitation. In 1982, I became aware that 'something was missing' when learning fractions in the 4th grade and I could physically feel that my brain was not making the connections required to comprehend the material. In addition to not being able to make connections, I also had other behavioral issues such as: being 'off in the clouds', being disruptive at home and in-class, being 'out-of-control', impulsive, and aggressive. When I was a child, Psychologists had not yet started diagnosing anyone with ADD - in-fact, I was not diagnosed until I was 20 years old. So as I was growing up and being educated, the adults in my world were frustrated and so I was almost always in some sort of trouble. I was the kid in school who was often sent out of the classroom and made to sit in the hallway.

Unfortunately, my learning process was difficult to understand as those in my immediate environment were fast learners that excelled in school. And to make matters worse, my report cards often said something similar to: Carrie is intelligent and she could do so much better if she would apply herself.

I'm certain there are many that can relate to the report card.

Anyway, in my next blog I'll be going into the different therapies that I tried throughout the years as well as their effectiveness. And after that, showing how the way that I manage my living did not change until I began studying Eqafe learning materials, working on the Desteni 'I' Process courses, and participating with a group that is taking responsibility for themselves.

Relative Power Z-Score Maps from Quantitative Electroencephalography (QEEG)

Differences in activity in normal and ADD children
The brain maps on the left (1&2) are of normal individuals: a 14 year old female and 9 year old male. The ones on the right (3&4) are ADD individuals: a different 14 year old female and a different 9 year old male. Notice how the two ADD individuals (3&4) demonstrate high (more red) Theta and Alpha activity in their maps than do the normal individuals, respectively. High Theta wave activity is generally associated with drowsiness; High Alpha activity is generally associated with idleness. The ADD results (3&4) are characteristic of states of non-attentiveness, and too little stimulation of the reticular activating system, and probable inadequate number of connections. Thus the ADD/LD child can effectively "tune-out" his/her environment. In contrast, the normal children's results of low Alpha and Theta wave activity (1&2) are characteristic of alertness and focused attentiveness, demonstrating adequate stimulation of the reticular activating system, and thus, an adequate number of neural connections.

 (http://www.drugfreeadd.com/default/index.cfm/our-programs/add-adhd/medical-evidence/)

Day 140: I Need Adderall: Requirement, Addiction, or Justification?

With the assistance, support, education, and the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction I was able to let go my dependence on Adderall and the fear that I could not survive or 'be okay' without it.  In this post, I'm showing how this was done.




Writing

I have defined myself as An Addict – I say, “I Am An Addict”, and in my world this is perfectly acceptable to be An Addict and all that is required for one to gain acceptance is to admit it – and once one as admitted it, it becomes one’s justification for participating in activities that are considered ‘bad’ for oneself. It has been easy for me to be An Addict.

I have defined myself as addicted to several things.  I have often told myself and others that ‘if there’s something to be addicted to, I will be addicted to it’.

I am currently working on my addiction to Adderall and my obsession with this drug consumes me - so I will be focusing specifically on this point.

Every day that I wake up without Adderall, I begin with the thought and expression of myself as, “different day, same crap” – without this drug I experience myself as unsatisfied, unfulfilled, unmotivated, unhappy, and complacent. My general attitude is sarcastically as ‘yay – another day, woopty-doo, I wonder how much weight I’ve gained –today-!’. I do not want to leave my home and I am bored with the tasks that I participate in while being in my home.

I make a decision at several points during my day to not call up and have my prescription for this drug filled at the pharmacy and I do this because of the commitments that I have made to myself as well as to show my self that I can stop this addiction with the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am addicted to Adderall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse and justification that I am addicted to Adderall to not stop taking the drug and when/as I am not taking/consuming the drug, I use this excuse and justification of myself being addicted to think about the drug and think of reasons to start taking the drug again so that I do not end my relationship with/to the drug. I tell myself: I am addicted to Adderall, I need it to be ‘okay’, I can’t stop this addiction, and I need this drug to gain control over my life/my body because my life/my body is out of my control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I Am An Addict and thus, within and as myself telling myself this I act out the part of an addict where I express myself as needing a drug, like Adderall, to make it through my day, my daily tasks, my job, and my over-consumption of food. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attached the Word Addict to the Word Adderall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself and others, “I am addicted to Adderall – I am an addict,” where I tell myself within and as myself that I speak and play-out the part of ‘Admission of Guilt’ that I will not have to take responsibility for my decision to take Adderall, I will not have to change, and I can go back to taking it whenever I like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to Adderall because I told myself that it ‘could happen’ and gave myself permission to form an addiction to the drug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to replace Adderall with Sugar which I am well-aware is of almost equal harm to my physical body as Adderall. Within my walking this process of removing Adderall from life forever, I see that I punish myself with the sugar – I am aware that I feel physically like crap after I eat sugar and that I experience pain and discomfort in my digestive system – and yet, I continue. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand why I punish myself with sugar consumption.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt for abusing my body with Adderall – where a specific, observable indication of my abuse is my teeth that darkened, changed shape, began to break/rot, and became painful. Unfortunately, I never allowed myself to be shamed by the harm I caused my physical body because of the extent of separation I have created with my physical body where I see it as a separate entity for/from me. And thus, because I never allowed myself to be a shamed for what I have done, I have not changed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself because I what I did to my teeth and ignored the problem – angry that I lost a tooth (a body part) and angry because of the amount of money I have had to spend to get my mouth healthy again because of the crippling pain. Within this, I am angry at myself that I had to live through an extensive amount of pain that pretty much had me unable to function before I directed myself to do anything about the problems in my mouth.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that ‘being angry’ at myself changed nothing in my application because I would still take Adderall if I saw a loophole and I would again not take care of my physical body within the justification and excuse that: It’s too expensive, I don’t have time, or I just can’t for whatever reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the consequences of my Adderall abuse – even after I did research on Meth-Salts which are an ingredient in the drug and found that it can be linked to Parkinsons Disease. Because I don’t want to give the drug up and desire the physical/mental/emotional positive effects of the drug, I hurt myself, my physical existence, and the future quality of my physical existence – the future consequences of my actions/decisions are easy to ignore because I tell myself that, “I will be fine,” and that “I’m healthy. I never get sick. I am strong.” And that, “I age slower than others so I have more time to play with.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with ‘having to give up’ my Adderall addiction – where, because I did not want to let this point go, I continue to bring it up over-and-over again in my writing. I blame almost all of my problems on myself stopping taking Adderall – my weight gain, my lack of ‘energy’, my ‘not caring’, my lack of motivation to get up in the morning, my not wanting to participate with others in my world, my not wanting to exercise, my not wanting to leave the house, my not getting big projects done around the house, and my depressed ‘mood’. Because I am blaming my problems on something outside of myself, I am not standing – and as long as I allow it to continue, I will never establish self-acceptance and self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that, “I had to give up Adderall,” as if someone outside of myself was making me do it. When, in fact, it was a direct decision that I made to stop taking it because of the damage it can cause to my physical body, my self-development, and my standing as an example of a responsible, trustworthy human being. I have not seen, realized, nor understood that because I am separating myself from my decision to change, I am not allowing my decision to ‘stick’ because if I allowed myself to stick to my decision, I would change. And I don’t want this – what I want is an easy, ‘for now’ way out instead of the having to face myself.

Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that, “I had to give up Adderall,” for someone/something outside of myself as a means to not take responsibility for myself if I fail because if I decided to start taking Adderall again, I can say to myself, “I did not do this for ME. I did this for THEM. And until I do this for me, there’s no point in bothering to give up this point.” I have not seen nor realized that I have programmed myself to give up on my decisions and my commitments to live a specific way that is best for me because I have accepted this – I have heard it MANY times where we tell one another over-and-over-again, “If you’re doing this for someone else and not yourself, it will never work – you’ll just go right back to it.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself and others, “If you’re doing this for someone else and not yourself, it will never work – you’ll just go right back to it.” I do not see, realize, nor understand when I do this that I am giving myself and others a backdoor out of our commitments and life decisions – For myself, I am making it ‘okay’ for me to fail so that I do not have to experiencing myself negatively within guilt, shame, anger, or the imagined verbal abuse of my inner personalities. I have never allowed myself to embrace my guilt, shame, anger, self-abuse, and the personalities that exists within my mind because I have told myself that it is ‘too painful’ and pain is BAD – and anything BAD must be resisted, ignored, run-away-from.

Yesterday, I found an empty bottle of my Adderall prescription on my jewelry box – it was odd because it looked like it had been ‘placed’ there. I saw the bottle and immediately got excited, “I wonder if there is anything left in there? Did my partner find this and leave it out for me? Am I being tested to see how I will react to seeing the bottle? Does my partner want me to start taking this again – is he in hopes that if I see this bottle that it will trigger me to call up the pharmacy and re-fill it?” I held the bottle ‘lovingly’ in my hands, opened it up, I looked in and then ran my finger around the inside to see if there was a ½ of a pill or maybe some ‘crumbs’ – nothing. I smelled the bottle, and again nothing. I sighed, put the cap back on, and dropped my shoulders – I was a mixture of sad and missing it - I missed the relationship I had with the drug which I connected to a life without the pain, anger, and disappointment of being overweight.

I see that I have associated Adderall with giving me the ONE thing that I have always wanted for myself since I was very young and that is to have a normal-sized body – I was able to achieve this in a matter of months and I was free from a life-long experience of outside judgment, bullying, and non-acceptance. This is something that I have not been able to give myself – I have been on special ‘diets’ ever since I can remember – none of them worked. As I gain weight back, I experience constant fear, physical discomfort as my physical freedom to move diminishes and obviously, I make myself emotional within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look to Adderall to give me something that I have not given myself. I have not been patient and have always wanted immediate results – and within this, I have not allowed myself the time to stabilize myself and my body and instead say to myself, “I will deal with this later, tomorrow, when I get a day-off, or when I get some time.” Which, I never do. So the problem accumulates because I do not give myself the opportunity to change/make changes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotion of ‘Sad’ to lack-of/missing Adderall. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself as longing/wanting/needed/craving Adderall where I allow my relationship with the drug to have power over me and change me mentally, emotionally, and physically in a moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience lacking and a deep void within myself in which I further experience myself as hopeless because of my desire for Adderall. I want to escape the pressure, the stress, and the physical discomfort that I feel in my body and see in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I take Adderall that the experience I have in/as my physical body is more aligned with my physical mind-body – when I am on Adderall I move my physical body extremely fast, I have constant physical reactions through-out my days, I am on High, I perceive myself as having an unlimited amount of energy, I communicate well with other’s as mind-consciousness systems, and I tell myself how good I feel and that this makes me happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a drug to force my physical body to align with my physical-mind-body – Instead of considering and/or allowing myself to work on aligning my physical-mind-body with my physical body where I am moving myself to make change rather than relying on an outside source. Additionally within this, because I never worked at aligning my physical-mind-body to my physical body, I have not tested to see if I could make a change with myself that is lasting – unlike drugs where I need to take them every day or twice a day to maintain my alignment.

Realizations

I see, realize and understand that I am not really addicted to Adderall. I am using the Word Addicted to justify myself wanting, needing, and desiring the drug so that I can have an excuse for myself to start taking the drug again because when/as/if I start taking the drug again, I tell myself that all I have to do to accept myself within my decision is to tell myself and others, “I am not in-control of this. This is stronger than me. It has power to give me something that I am not able to give myself. I need this to be okay.”

I see, realize, and understand that I have been using the Word Addicted to explain an experience of myself within want/need/desire where my want/need/desire is so strong that I tell myself that I may not survive/be stable without it.

I see, realize, and understand that I have connected Adderall to myself experiencing myself positively and because I do not like to experience myself negatively, it is easier to call up, get a prescription, go the pharmacy, fill it, and in the matter of moments, escape that which I see is negative about myself and my living. Via my Journey To Life blog, I have found that this is part of my pattern that locks me into not changing or considering a ‘way out’ so it’s best to stop it.

I see, realize, and understand that Adderall damages my physical body – and even though I am not aware of all the consequences of this abuse at the moment, I have investigated and found that use of amphetamines can cause/lead-to Schizophrenia and Parkinsons Disease. Additionally, I have been told that the drug ‘ages’ the body – and this is something that is definitely not best for myself as I have lots of work to do here before I leave this physical existence.

I see, realize, and understand that I have been using Adderall to give to me what I have not allowed me to give to myself – specifically in regards to the body-size/shape that I am most comfortable. Suggest here for me to continue to investigating this point for myself as I am seeing that the problem may not only be with my food choices and/or the quantity of food that I eat – it is also linked to the amount of stress that I have allowed to accumulate within/as me.

I see, realize, and understand that I have been using Adderall to force my physical body to align with my mind and my systems that I live in – and thus, I see a cool opportunity here to work on aligning my mind and my systems to my physical body.

Self-Correction

 

When and as I see that I am telling myself that I am addicted to Adderall, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that this is me justifying my wanting, needing, and desiring to start taking the drug again and not taking responsibility for the point. Instead of allowing myself to separate myself from my wanting, needing, and desiring to take Adderall, I direct myself to take the opportunity to explore points that I may have missed by breathing, slowing myself down, and investigating the process that led me to wanting/needing/desiring the drug as I see, realize, and understand that I have had a negative experience of myself that I am trying to escape from.

I commit myself to stopping myself from trying to escape from a negative experience of myself with the assistance of Adderall by allowing myself to actually experience the negative of myself so that I can work on understanding my negative experiences – within this, I will stabilize myself with breathing and assist and support myself with writing and self-forgiveness.

When and as I see that I am telling myself that I need Adderall because I have become or may become unstable, I STOP. I BREATH. I see, realize, and understand that I am able to stabilize myself by breathing and that this is better than any drug because it is here with me, it actually keeps me alive, and the effects are lasting and supportive.

I commit myself to question my wants, needs, and desires as I see, realize, and understand that I created these attachments and ‘lack of things’ in my mind. Within this point, I will continue to investigate myself and find out what I am not giving myself/allowing myself to have/punishing myself and why.

When and as I see that I am wanting, desiring, needing, considering, and/or thinking about calling in a prescription for Adderall because I am experiencing myself negatively – I STOP. I see, realize, and understand that I am facing my pattern that I have committed myself to stopping. I do not call, I do not seek out the drug, and I do not accept the drug if it’s offered to me. Instead, I breath until I am stable and then assist and support myself with writing out my negative experience and self-forgiving myself.

I commit myself to stopping myself from automatically telling myself that the only solution to my instability is Adderall – I see, realize, and understand that the solution to my instability is to stabilize myself with breathing – this is not something outside of me, it is something with/in/as me that I will have with me until I die. Instead of looking outside of myself for ways to stabilize myself, I re-direct myself remain here with myself and BREATH – this is ‘faster-acting’, more effective, and last longer than any drug.

When and as I see/hear myself showing/telling myself that I am in great health, that I am untouchable by disease, and that I do not age so it’s ‘okay’ to take Adderall because the reported consequences do not apply to me – I stop. I see, realize, and understand that even though I am not aware of the consequences at this moment, that there may be damage at a level that I cannot see. Also, as I see my world, I see that consequences are happening sooner than later and that it’s best not to get caught up in these consequences IN ADDITION to the daily consequences/tests that I am faced with – to allow this to happen would essentially be me giving up on myself.

When and as I see myself experiencing discomfort with myself within/as my physical body and thus consider Adderall as a possible solution to make myself comfortable – I stop. I remind myself that I do not need a drug to make comfortable. I breath and allow myself to be here with my physical discomforts as I see, realize, and understand that what I am physically experiencing is nothing to be afraid of, I do not have to separate myself from it, and it’s not weird – in-fact, being here with/in/as my physical body is a cool way to see how well I am doing within my process of sorting out and managing my life.

I commit myself to stopping myself from automatically telling myself that there is an easy way out for me – that everything will get easier for me if I call in my prescription for Adderall and that it’s ‘okay’ – I will do this by reminding myself that I have chosen to walk my process here – and yes, it is not easy but a ‘way out’ is self-dishonest and delusional. And from here, I assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction until I have established a point of self-trust.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to place myself in a position of where I could get ‘caught up’ in Adderall again – I do not look for it and I do not accept the drug if it’s offered to me. When and as I struggle with this and/or am in a position of where I could potentially compromise myself on this point, I say, “No,” and remove myself from the temptation. Within this, I continue to work on points that emerge with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction until I am no longer struggling and/or in conflict with myself about saying No to Adderall.

When and as I see that I am attempting to force my physical body to move at the speed/frequency/vibration of my mind and/or my physical world by either considering taking drugs or creating an energy high for myself, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that this is pointless – for one, doing this to my body hasn’t really improved much in my world/my mind and two, going faster creates much more work for me later as it takes a lot more time to stabilize my body/my life than it would if I were to breath and move forward steadily.

I commit myself to aligning myself as my mind to my physical body and stopping myself from forcing my physical body to align with myself as my mind by allowing myself to be here in/as/with my physical body, breathing, and ‘getting toknow’ myself with/in/as my physical body as I see, realize, and understand that it is here in my physical body that I can check myself, test my progress, and/or communicate with myself about points that I must be self-honest with myself about.

Day 139: How I Use Fear To Keep Me On Adderall

Here are self-correction and self-commitments for self-realizations from

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like The High.

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like the High

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like the High

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like the High

When and as I see that my application is not effective because I am not facing and/or dismissing the points that come up within communication with myself and others as indicated by myself justifying who I am and what I do, I see, realize and understand that I am cheating myself out of an opportunity to see myself as I am and thus not allowing myself the opportunity to change. I see, realize and understand that I must change – there is NO WAY OUT for me and there is NO GOING BACK – I have made the decision and the commitment to stand and within that, the only choice I have is to change and do what is best for/as all Life, including my own.

I commit myself to stop NOT facing myself, to stop dismissing points that come up within communication with myself and others, and to stop justifying myself for who I am and what I do by breathing, not taking communication with myself and others as personal, hearing, and then assisting and supporting myself to change with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

I commit myself to stop myself from looking for ‘another way’ or a ‘better way’ to walk my process and instead push as the group is pushing, and stand as the group is standing.

When and as I see myself not wanting to give up anything, I see, realize, and understand that I am communicating to myself about a self-interest that I am deliberately ignoring and/or putting off – this gets me no-where as I am cheating and deceiving myself and others. Additionally, I see, realize, and understand that I have been willing to abuse my body for a Reward of a Better Mood and Increased Stamina and thus, I have been abusing Life/Substance for a momentary High which is irresponsible, not cool and just plain ignorant.

I commit myself to giving up my self-interests by assisting and supporting myself to writing out, self-forgiving, and self-correcting myself for what I am deliberately ignoring and/or putting off what I do not want to give up.

I commit myself to stop myself from abusing, cheating, and taking off years of myself, my life, and my physical body/substance for the Rewards of Better Moods and Increased Stamina – starting first with stopping myself from taking Adderall, speed, energy drinks or energy/fat-burning/metabolism pills.

When and as I see that I am in a polarity cycle of negativity, positivity and neutrality as indicated by my ups, my downs, and then my balancing out with excuses and justifications, I commit myself to stop my participation in the polarity cycle and to assist and support myself by taking responsibility for myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction to release myself from these cycles/patterns.

When and as I see that I am abdicating myself as indicated by my backchat where I tell myself ‘I can’t …’ or see others outside of myself as ‘unable’, I stop. I see, realize and understand that no one is going to walk my process for me and that no one is going to make me walk my process. Additionally, I see, realize and understand that I am communicating to myself about my abdication of myself within the words of ‘Can’t …’ and ‘unable’.

I commit myself to stop deceiving and lying to myself about what I can’t or what I’m not able to do by investigating myself and looking honestly at what I have done, how far I come, where I want to be, what is required for me to get where I want to be and what is actually, for real, physically practical for me to accomplish and how I will accomplish my purpose/objective/goal.

I commit myself to developing/establishing a relationship of self-trust and self-understanding with myself by writing out my purposes/goals/objectives, what I can practically do to accomplish/complete my purposes, goals, and objectives, and then self-commit myself to move on/with my plan.

When and as I see that I am suppressing my anger as indicated by me physically grinding my teeth while telling myself that I’m not angry, that I am not sad, that I am above emotions, that I am clear, that I am stable, that I am focused, or any other positive affirmation, I stop. I see, realize and understand that my suppressing emotions only prolong my process. Additionally, I see, realize and understand that this suppression is having a detrimental effect on my body – I NEED MY TEETH and thus it is neither within my best interest nor my future survival for me to grind them down.

I commit myself to stop myself from suppressing my emotions by being aware of myself physically grinding my teeth and within this awareness, stopping, breathing, slowing myself down and walking myself backward through my thoughts and reactions – and from here, I commit myself to write out what’s ‘grinding my gears’ that I do not want to see/see myself as equal-to, self-forgiving myself for these suppressed thoughts and reactions, and then self-correcting myself as I now see, realize, and understand that I am giving myself a direct link to realizing myself and thus, I commit myself to exploring/realizing myself via this obvious mind to physical body suppression.

When and as I hear/see myself telling/showing myself that I am going to become fat because I am giving up something outside of myself, I see, realize, and understand that this is myself using one of my greatest fears against me as a way to keep myself from changing – I am using my fear of being fat/being physically big, round, bulbous/becoming disconnected with myself to keep me locked into a pattern of compromising and abusing my body as I go from one polarity – being big bodied to the opposite polarity – being small bodied.

I commit myself to writing out my fears of being fat as well as my experiences within not being fat and from here, forgiving myself for the memories, experiences, and current living within each polarity so that I can self-correct myself to no longer have this fear have power and/or influence over my decisions.

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like the High

On November 5, 2012 is when I decided to no longer hide from my dependence on Adderall and to instead begin writing about it.  At this point in my walking my dependence, I shared the writings in private and not public because I was not yet prepared to discuss the situation in public and I saw that revealing this could put a strain on some relationships that were already in conflict.

So, this point emerged when I reacted to the statement: You're Higher Than The Rest of Us.

Here it is:

I have been in conflict for many months within my decision to take Adderall - AKA, amphetamine salts. I have justified to myself that I NEED this drug to effectively live up to my work, home, and other responsibilities. I have told myself that this drug assists me in staying focused, alert, 'social', and requiring a very small amount of sleep, however, I am seeing that I have been lying to myself. The truth is, I LIKE this drug - I like being on High, I like being seen as having a great amount of stamina, I like going fast, and I LOVE it that I do not suffer from the 'lows' that others around me are experiencing.

So, yes, I AM, in physical fact, higher.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to hearing, 'You are higher than the rest of us," with dismissal - I have not allowed myself to see that I am receiving a clear indication of why my application is not effective in that by making myself physically, mentally, and emotionally higher than others, that I am cheating myself and others as I am not allowing myself to be equal-to and one with myself and others. From close to the very start of my decision to take Adderall again,  it became clear to me that I was not standing equal-to and one with myself and others and yet instead of taking responsibility for my decision at that moment and stopping all of my fears in relation to stopping myself from taking this drug, I continued as it was easier to justify myself as needing this for my 'own reasons' and thus separate myself from others rather than facing the physical resistance that I saw others experiencing. I saw but did not want to be honest with myself that the consequence of this decision would separate me by my own accord as within my understanding of oneness and equality. I told myself that I was not working as hard as others and thus I am not allowed to stand equal-to and one with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a moment of 'being high' to self-sabotage my participation in my world where there were many times that I dropped out of participating in activities that were best because I feared having to change myself to be/become equal-to others and did not want to give up my High Reward - I have sold myself out for a Reward where the cost is my future physical self and the Reward is a guarantee that I won't become Low, that I am now 'thin', that I can engage others within a demonstration of high-energy, and that I can push my body to the point of agony.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience MANY moments of negativity within my taking of Adderall as Regret, Shame, and Guilt for not standing and then positively as telling myself that I am 'doing the right thing' and in the end it would 'all pay off', and the neutral as, 'I'll stop when I am ready and/or have less responsibility'. I have seen this negative to positive to neutral cycle within myself but have not moved myself to change myself nor remove myself from this cycle via my own direction - instead, from my point of neutrality, I waited for and outside 'sign' that CLEARLY and without a doubt would show me that 'it is time - are you life or are you not - are you here with us or are you not' before taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back-chat, "I cannot do this without Adderall," and "If I do not take Adderall, I'm going to go 'down'," and "Yeah ... you're bringing the rest of us down, you need an addy," to exist within and as me. I have not allowed myself to hear myself communicating to myself that I see myself as not being able to move and direct myself effectively without the assistance of something/someone outside of myself and that if I am not 'high' that I will bring others 'down' - and instead of taking responsibility, investigating, and assisting and supporting myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction, I accepted the lie and allowed myself to live-out the lie over-and-over again rather than de-bunking the lie and giving myself the gift of self-trust via understanding and then agreement with myself to move myself in a way that is best rather than desiring for others to move with me and my self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see  - or see and dismiss that when I am taking Adderall, that I clench and grind my teeth until my jaw is sore because I am angry and 'grinding my gears' and yet, I suppress this within telling myself that, "I'm on Adderall. I cannot be angry! I cannot be sad! I am above this! It is all THEIR FAULT - it must be! I am clear, focused and getting MY work done! GO ME!" - I have definitely not allowed myself to see until now that I use my information and knowledge about Adderall, to tell myself that I am POSITIVE, amazing, and perfect rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding that the REAL indicator is my physical body and that I am demonstrating to myself that I am willing to put myself in pain and ignore my body's signals which are telling me that all is not cool in exchange for the promise of positivity/Good Things.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to accept the belief that Adderall has magically changed me from a fat person to a thin person and because of my fear of getting 'big' again and my telling myself that if I stop taking Adderall that I will become physically big and no longer be comfortable in/with my body, I tell myself that is not in my best interest to stop taking Adderall. I have not seen nor realized that Adderall has not made me physically thinner and that what has actually made me physically thinner is increased physical activity, dehydration, and improper nutrition because I have trapped myself within my mind-backchat where I ignore my physical body instead of being aware of what my physical body needs.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that if stop taking Adderall, that I will become heavy again and within this, for every day of the 8 days that I have not taken Adderall, I weigh myself to see if there is any change - On days where it looks as though I've gained weight, I become frustrated, worried, anxious, and angry and say, "What am I gonna do? I'm going to be fat and miserable again -- I can't go back there ..." and on the days where my weight is below a certain marker, I say, "Phew. Okay. I'm okay. Maybe it wasn't the Adderall making me thin ..." I have not see, realized, nor understood that I am going from one polarity to another, day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute as I allow myself to swing back and forth between being 'okay' with myself and then in the next moment, 'not okay' with myself.

Day 137: Adderall or Life?

In the next several blogs I will be sharing the process I've walked with Adderall and some perspective, realizations, and research that I have found in relation to ADD and ADHD.

Adderall is a drug that is prescribed for ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and Narcolepsy.  I was able to get a prescription for this drug because I have been diagnosed with ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) by a Psychologist.

What IS Adderall?

Amphetamine and Dextroamphetamine Mixed Salts or simply Amphetamine Salts sold under the brand name Adderall.


When I took Adderall, I experienced alertness, sociability, happiness, irritability, a significant weight loss, a rush of relief and a general feeling of being able to make it through my day and be okay.

The Problem of Adderall

I decided to stop taking Adderall for many reasons with the most important being that the drug was not supportive for my physical body and there was an increased risk of speeding the aging process and developing Parkinsons disease later in life.  When I made my decision, I was at a point in my process where I saw that it was time for me to choose whether or not I was going to use my time here to the best of my physical and mental ability and whether I would be a part of Life or not.  I chose to be here for as long as possible and to not speed up the process of death so that I could be a part of the change for a New World. Additionally, I had become addicted to the drug as I had convinced myself that I could not function normally in the world without it.

The Solution

I took 1-2 pills per day on-and-off for about 3 years.  After I had made my decision and my bottle of pills was low, I began taking 1/2 of a pill twice a day and then 1/2 to 1/4 once per day until the bottle was empty.  I did not call in to have my prescription re-filled.  It was within this time that I began assisting and supporting myself with writing, Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction.  I also was given full support as well as an education about Addiction via my Desteni I Process lessons.  When and as other points related to desiring Adderall emerge, I get support, I work on my self-realization process, I refine my self-correction, and I apply myself.

The Reward

Because I am no longer accepting and allowing myself to be dependent on the drug or tell myself that I require the drug to survive in this world, I no longer make excuses, justifications and reasons for my continued use of a substance that is harmful to my physical and mental health.  This self-limitation is being removed.  I no longer experience the side-effect of irritability with myself because I made a self-honest decision that was best for myself and who I would like to be.  I am no longer taking a chemical that makes everything feel good or that fixes what I see as problems - instead, I am facing the points that come up and supporting myself with investigation, asking questions, testing answers, writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.



In the following posts, I will be sharing what's been walked so far.

Day 136: Guarding My Thoughts and Words

When and as I see myself reacting to a topic, situation, or event within which I experience a compulsion to speak, I stop - I place a guard on my thoughts and words.  I do not participate - I remove myself if I must, get myself stable with breathing and then write out the topic, situation, or event and what I am seeing as a problem within the topic, situation, or event.  From here, I self-forgive for why I am reacting and what I want to say - which, I see, realize and understand is actually what I want to say to myself and work out a solution for. 

I commit myself to stop speaking when and as I experience a compulsion by allowing myself to be aware of myself within and as compulsion as indicated by imaginations that play into my fear, increased blood-pressure, movement in my solar-plexus, and jerky physical movements. 

I commit myself to further practice perfecting putting a guard on my thoughts and words by allowing myself to slow myself down so that I can stop myself when and as I am faced with a physical, mental, and/or emotional reaction. 

When and as I see that I am putting myself in-conflict with myself as indicated by the amount of thought, effort, time, justifications, and reasons for my actions, reactions, and my allowance of myself existing in-conflict with myself and others, I STOP.  I see, realize, and understand that this self-dishonesty takes a lot more time and effort to keep up and/or maintain and that it is best to make it simple for myself by taking a moment to write out what's going on and bring the points that emerge within this back to myself with self-forgiveness.

 

I commit myself to stopping placing myself in-conflict with myself by re-Minding myself that it takes a great deal more effort and time to justify my actions with reasons for 'why I did what I did' - additionally, I re-Mind myself that any reaction that I have after a thought is a response to fear -- that my thoughts are showing me who/what I am and because I fear what I am showing myself, I attempt to separate myself with a reaction when and as I say, 'Oh, that's not me ... let me show myself why'.

Within this,
I commit myself to watch my thoughts and to investigate where these thoughts are coming from by allowing myself to slow myself so that I can actually see/hear my thoughts and then look-back at my memories which will assist and support me in seeing and understanding where my thoughts are actually coming from and why.