Day 140: I Need Adderall: Requirement, Addiction, or Justification?

With the assistance, support, education, and the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction I was able to let go my dependence on Adderall and the fear that I could not survive or 'be okay' without it.  In this post, I'm showing how this was done.




Writing

I have defined myself as An Addict – I say, “I Am An Addict”, and in my world this is perfectly acceptable to be An Addict and all that is required for one to gain acceptance is to admit it – and once one as admitted it, it becomes one’s justification for participating in activities that are considered ‘bad’ for oneself. It has been easy for me to be An Addict.

I have defined myself as addicted to several things.  I have often told myself and others that ‘if there’s something to be addicted to, I will be addicted to it’.

I am currently working on my addiction to Adderall and my obsession with this drug consumes me - so I will be focusing specifically on this point.

Every day that I wake up without Adderall, I begin with the thought and expression of myself as, “different day, same crap” – without this drug I experience myself as unsatisfied, unfulfilled, unmotivated, unhappy, and complacent. My general attitude is sarcastically as ‘yay – another day, woopty-doo, I wonder how much weight I’ve gained –today-!’. I do not want to leave my home and I am bored with the tasks that I participate in while being in my home.

I make a decision at several points during my day to not call up and have my prescription for this drug filled at the pharmacy and I do this because of the commitments that I have made to myself as well as to show my self that I can stop this addiction with the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am addicted to Adderall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse and justification that I am addicted to Adderall to not stop taking the drug and when/as I am not taking/consuming the drug, I use this excuse and justification of myself being addicted to think about the drug and think of reasons to start taking the drug again so that I do not end my relationship with/to the drug. I tell myself: I am addicted to Adderall, I need it to be ‘okay’, I can’t stop this addiction, and I need this drug to gain control over my life/my body because my life/my body is out of my control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I Am An Addict and thus, within and as myself telling myself this I act out the part of an addict where I express myself as needing a drug, like Adderall, to make it through my day, my daily tasks, my job, and my over-consumption of food. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attached the Word Addict to the Word Adderall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself and others, “I am addicted to Adderall – I am an addict,” where I tell myself within and as myself that I speak and play-out the part of ‘Admission of Guilt’ that I will not have to take responsibility for my decision to take Adderall, I will not have to change, and I can go back to taking it whenever I like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to Adderall because I told myself that it ‘could happen’ and gave myself permission to form an addiction to the drug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to replace Adderall with Sugar which I am well-aware is of almost equal harm to my physical body as Adderall. Within my walking this process of removing Adderall from life forever, I see that I punish myself with the sugar – I am aware that I feel physically like crap after I eat sugar and that I experience pain and discomfort in my digestive system – and yet, I continue. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand why I punish myself with sugar consumption.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt for abusing my body with Adderall – where a specific, observable indication of my abuse is my teeth that darkened, changed shape, began to break/rot, and became painful. Unfortunately, I never allowed myself to be shamed by the harm I caused my physical body because of the extent of separation I have created with my physical body where I see it as a separate entity for/from me. And thus, because I never allowed myself to be a shamed for what I have done, I have not changed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself because I what I did to my teeth and ignored the problem – angry that I lost a tooth (a body part) and angry because of the amount of money I have had to spend to get my mouth healthy again because of the crippling pain. Within this, I am angry at myself that I had to live through an extensive amount of pain that pretty much had me unable to function before I directed myself to do anything about the problems in my mouth.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that ‘being angry’ at myself changed nothing in my application because I would still take Adderall if I saw a loophole and I would again not take care of my physical body within the justification and excuse that: It’s too expensive, I don’t have time, or I just can’t for whatever reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the consequences of my Adderall abuse – even after I did research on Meth-Salts which are an ingredient in the drug and found that it can be linked to Parkinsons Disease. Because I don’t want to give the drug up and desire the physical/mental/emotional positive effects of the drug, I hurt myself, my physical existence, and the future quality of my physical existence – the future consequences of my actions/decisions are easy to ignore because I tell myself that, “I will be fine,” and that “I’m healthy. I never get sick. I am strong.” And that, “I age slower than others so I have more time to play with.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with ‘having to give up’ my Adderall addiction – where, because I did not want to let this point go, I continue to bring it up over-and-over again in my writing. I blame almost all of my problems on myself stopping taking Adderall – my weight gain, my lack of ‘energy’, my ‘not caring’, my lack of motivation to get up in the morning, my not wanting to participate with others in my world, my not wanting to exercise, my not wanting to leave the house, my not getting big projects done around the house, and my depressed ‘mood’. Because I am blaming my problems on something outside of myself, I am not standing – and as long as I allow it to continue, I will never establish self-acceptance and self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that, “I had to give up Adderall,” as if someone outside of myself was making me do it. When, in fact, it was a direct decision that I made to stop taking it because of the damage it can cause to my physical body, my self-development, and my standing as an example of a responsible, trustworthy human being. I have not seen, realized, nor understood that because I am separating myself from my decision to change, I am not allowing my decision to ‘stick’ because if I allowed myself to stick to my decision, I would change. And I don’t want this – what I want is an easy, ‘for now’ way out instead of the having to face myself.

Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that, “I had to give up Adderall,” for someone/something outside of myself as a means to not take responsibility for myself if I fail because if I decided to start taking Adderall again, I can say to myself, “I did not do this for ME. I did this for THEM. And until I do this for me, there’s no point in bothering to give up this point.” I have not seen nor realized that I have programmed myself to give up on my decisions and my commitments to live a specific way that is best for me because I have accepted this – I have heard it MANY times where we tell one another over-and-over-again, “If you’re doing this for someone else and not yourself, it will never work – you’ll just go right back to it.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself and others, “If you’re doing this for someone else and not yourself, it will never work – you’ll just go right back to it.” I do not see, realize, nor understand when I do this that I am giving myself and others a backdoor out of our commitments and life decisions – For myself, I am making it ‘okay’ for me to fail so that I do not have to experiencing myself negatively within guilt, shame, anger, or the imagined verbal abuse of my inner personalities. I have never allowed myself to embrace my guilt, shame, anger, self-abuse, and the personalities that exists within my mind because I have told myself that it is ‘too painful’ and pain is BAD – and anything BAD must be resisted, ignored, run-away-from.

Yesterday, I found an empty bottle of my Adderall prescription on my jewelry box – it was odd because it looked like it had been ‘placed’ there. I saw the bottle and immediately got excited, “I wonder if there is anything left in there? Did my partner find this and leave it out for me? Am I being tested to see how I will react to seeing the bottle? Does my partner want me to start taking this again – is he in hopes that if I see this bottle that it will trigger me to call up the pharmacy and re-fill it?” I held the bottle ‘lovingly’ in my hands, opened it up, I looked in and then ran my finger around the inside to see if there was a ½ of a pill or maybe some ‘crumbs’ – nothing. I smelled the bottle, and again nothing. I sighed, put the cap back on, and dropped my shoulders – I was a mixture of sad and missing it - I missed the relationship I had with the drug which I connected to a life without the pain, anger, and disappointment of being overweight.

I see that I have associated Adderall with giving me the ONE thing that I have always wanted for myself since I was very young and that is to have a normal-sized body – I was able to achieve this in a matter of months and I was free from a life-long experience of outside judgment, bullying, and non-acceptance. This is something that I have not been able to give myself – I have been on special ‘diets’ ever since I can remember – none of them worked. As I gain weight back, I experience constant fear, physical discomfort as my physical freedom to move diminishes and obviously, I make myself emotional within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look to Adderall to give me something that I have not given myself. I have not been patient and have always wanted immediate results – and within this, I have not allowed myself the time to stabilize myself and my body and instead say to myself, “I will deal with this later, tomorrow, when I get a day-off, or when I get some time.” Which, I never do. So the problem accumulates because I do not give myself the opportunity to change/make changes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotion of ‘Sad’ to lack-of/missing Adderall. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself as longing/wanting/needed/craving Adderall where I allow my relationship with the drug to have power over me and change me mentally, emotionally, and physically in a moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience lacking and a deep void within myself in which I further experience myself as hopeless because of my desire for Adderall. I want to escape the pressure, the stress, and the physical discomfort that I feel in my body and see in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I take Adderall that the experience I have in/as my physical body is more aligned with my physical mind-body – when I am on Adderall I move my physical body extremely fast, I have constant physical reactions through-out my days, I am on High, I perceive myself as having an unlimited amount of energy, I communicate well with other’s as mind-consciousness systems, and I tell myself how good I feel and that this makes me happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a drug to force my physical body to align with my physical-mind-body – Instead of considering and/or allowing myself to work on aligning my physical-mind-body with my physical body where I am moving myself to make change rather than relying on an outside source. Additionally within this, because I never worked at aligning my physical-mind-body to my physical body, I have not tested to see if I could make a change with myself that is lasting – unlike drugs where I need to take them every day or twice a day to maintain my alignment.

Realizations

I see, realize and understand that I am not really addicted to Adderall. I am using the Word Addicted to justify myself wanting, needing, and desiring the drug so that I can have an excuse for myself to start taking the drug again because when/as/if I start taking the drug again, I tell myself that all I have to do to accept myself within my decision is to tell myself and others, “I am not in-control of this. This is stronger than me. It has power to give me something that I am not able to give myself. I need this to be okay.”

I see, realize, and understand that I have been using the Word Addicted to explain an experience of myself within want/need/desire where my want/need/desire is so strong that I tell myself that I may not survive/be stable without it.

I see, realize, and understand that I have connected Adderall to myself experiencing myself positively and because I do not like to experience myself negatively, it is easier to call up, get a prescription, go the pharmacy, fill it, and in the matter of moments, escape that which I see is negative about myself and my living. Via my Journey To Life blog, I have found that this is part of my pattern that locks me into not changing or considering a ‘way out’ so it’s best to stop it.

I see, realize, and understand that Adderall damages my physical body – and even though I am not aware of all the consequences of this abuse at the moment, I have investigated and found that use of amphetamines can cause/lead-to Schizophrenia and Parkinsons Disease. Additionally, I have been told that the drug ‘ages’ the body – and this is something that is definitely not best for myself as I have lots of work to do here before I leave this physical existence.

I see, realize, and understand that I have been using Adderall to give to me what I have not allowed me to give to myself – specifically in regards to the body-size/shape that I am most comfortable. Suggest here for me to continue to investigating this point for myself as I am seeing that the problem may not only be with my food choices and/or the quantity of food that I eat – it is also linked to the amount of stress that I have allowed to accumulate within/as me.

I see, realize, and understand that I have been using Adderall to force my physical body to align with my mind and my systems that I live in – and thus, I see a cool opportunity here to work on aligning my mind and my systems to my physical body.

Self-Correction

 

When and as I see that I am telling myself that I am addicted to Adderall, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that this is me justifying my wanting, needing, and desiring to start taking the drug again and not taking responsibility for the point. Instead of allowing myself to separate myself from my wanting, needing, and desiring to take Adderall, I direct myself to take the opportunity to explore points that I may have missed by breathing, slowing myself down, and investigating the process that led me to wanting/needing/desiring the drug as I see, realize, and understand that I have had a negative experience of myself that I am trying to escape from.

I commit myself to stopping myself from trying to escape from a negative experience of myself with the assistance of Adderall by allowing myself to actually experience the negative of myself so that I can work on understanding my negative experiences – within this, I will stabilize myself with breathing and assist and support myself with writing and self-forgiveness.

When and as I see that I am telling myself that I need Adderall because I have become or may become unstable, I STOP. I BREATH. I see, realize, and understand that I am able to stabilize myself by breathing and that this is better than any drug because it is here with me, it actually keeps me alive, and the effects are lasting and supportive.

I commit myself to question my wants, needs, and desires as I see, realize, and understand that I created these attachments and ‘lack of things’ in my mind. Within this point, I will continue to investigate myself and find out what I am not giving myself/allowing myself to have/punishing myself and why.

When and as I see that I am wanting, desiring, needing, considering, and/or thinking about calling in a prescription for Adderall because I am experiencing myself negatively – I STOP. I see, realize, and understand that I am facing my pattern that I have committed myself to stopping. I do not call, I do not seek out the drug, and I do not accept the drug if it’s offered to me. Instead, I breath until I am stable and then assist and support myself with writing out my negative experience and self-forgiving myself.

I commit myself to stopping myself from automatically telling myself that the only solution to my instability is Adderall – I see, realize, and understand that the solution to my instability is to stabilize myself with breathing – this is not something outside of me, it is something with/in/as me that I will have with me until I die. Instead of looking outside of myself for ways to stabilize myself, I re-direct myself remain here with myself and BREATH – this is ‘faster-acting’, more effective, and last longer than any drug.

When and as I see/hear myself showing/telling myself that I am in great health, that I am untouchable by disease, and that I do not age so it’s ‘okay’ to take Adderall because the reported consequences do not apply to me – I stop. I see, realize, and understand that even though I am not aware of the consequences at this moment, that there may be damage at a level that I cannot see. Also, as I see my world, I see that consequences are happening sooner than later and that it’s best not to get caught up in these consequences IN ADDITION to the daily consequences/tests that I am faced with – to allow this to happen would essentially be me giving up on myself.

When and as I see myself experiencing discomfort with myself within/as my physical body and thus consider Adderall as a possible solution to make myself comfortable – I stop. I remind myself that I do not need a drug to make comfortable. I breath and allow myself to be here with my physical discomforts as I see, realize, and understand that what I am physically experiencing is nothing to be afraid of, I do not have to separate myself from it, and it’s not weird – in-fact, being here with/in/as my physical body is a cool way to see how well I am doing within my process of sorting out and managing my life.

I commit myself to stopping myself from automatically telling myself that there is an easy way out for me – that everything will get easier for me if I call in my prescription for Adderall and that it’s ‘okay’ – I will do this by reminding myself that I have chosen to walk my process here – and yes, it is not easy but a ‘way out’ is self-dishonest and delusional. And from here, I assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction until I have established a point of self-trust.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to place myself in a position of where I could get ‘caught up’ in Adderall again – I do not look for it and I do not accept the drug if it’s offered to me. When and as I struggle with this and/or am in a position of where I could potentially compromise myself on this point, I say, “No,” and remove myself from the temptation. Within this, I continue to work on points that emerge with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction until I am no longer struggling and/or in conflict with myself about saying No to Adderall.

When and as I see that I am attempting to force my physical body to move at the speed/frequency/vibration of my mind and/or my physical world by either considering taking drugs or creating an energy high for myself, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that this is pointless – for one, doing this to my body hasn’t really improved much in my world/my mind and two, going faster creates much more work for me later as it takes a lot more time to stabilize my body/my life than it would if I were to breath and move forward steadily.

I commit myself to aligning myself as my mind to my physical body and stopping myself from forcing my physical body to align with myself as my mind by allowing myself to be here in/as/with my physical body, breathing, and ‘getting toknow’ myself with/in/as my physical body as I see, realize, and understand that it is here in my physical body that I can check myself, test my progress, and/or communicate with myself about points that I must be self-honest with myself about.