I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use smoking as an escape from life, a way to make myself push through life, and as a reward for times when the 'job is done'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a place in my imagination for me to escape to - where, for the first time in months, I escape to my mind within my thoughts and my imagination for long-periods of time without stopping myself because I do not want to be here and facing the reality of myself without my time-outs and smoke breaks. Because if I cannot have a physical break, I create one within and as my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate a reward of 'something' within and throughout my day where I have programmed myself to constantly be chasing after the carrot (cigarette) on the string. I saw but did not want to believe that when and as I would make the decision to stop smoking, that the process would be difficult and disruptive because of the extent of the rewards I have given myself for doing even the most menial/simple tasks. The consequence of this is that I have trouble functioning within my daily tasks/responsibilities because I have tied all of these things into smoking.I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let smoking go.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as my mind to re-mind me over-and-over-again as pictures of myself that I would/should/could be enjoying a smoke.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be triggered into an addictive response when and as I tell myself, "No. Stop. That is not happening," as a re-direction from me showing myself as thoughts and imaginations of me sitting down and having a nice, quiet smoke.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and experience guilt for the reactions that I have had while the drug is being removed from my body. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be reactive to others because of my irritation at myself within the detoxing process as well as accepting and allowing myself to be required to go through this process - when I could have made the decision to not start smoking at all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself because I have made a decision that makes me physically uncomfortable, someone unstable, tired, sick to my stomach, and placed myself in a position where I am bored and restless. Because I let this anger accumulate within and as me instead of directing this with Self-Forgiveness, it has spilled out and I have projected it outward which is not cool.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself and thus expect that others should support me within my decision to stop smoking and that others should change their daily living/routines so that I do not have to worry and can focus on breathing and relaxing. Regardless of the fact that I see, realize, and understand that having expectations for others to change any part of their anything that isn't directed by themselves is a HUGE mistake and only sets me up for a situation in-which I will accumulate more anger and other negative emotions because I am reacting to my backchat of things not working out in the best way for ME.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest with myself that I'm so emotional and angry because I do not like my decision - I do not like that within my decision, I have forced myself to give up my moment-to-moment incentives, rewards, and escape-times.
I stopped
smoking cigarettes this week. It is interesting to see how I use
smoking as both an escape and a reward. I've found that I need to keep
physically moving and breathing as a way to keep myself from going into
my mind
and into my imagination where I can create a space to escape from the
day-to-day moments of my life. The reward part is the tough one and is
the point throughout my day that will trigger my addiction response. As
I write I am fidgeting in my seat, rocking back and forth, keep looking
out the window, and continually having to bring myself back from the
'fuzziness' in my head. I have spent most of my time this week outside
and I started cardio and strength training again.
My decision to stop smoking was because I wanted to. That's pretty much it. There's the health factors to consider but those weren't entirely apart of my decision process and instead an incentive. This is one of those decisions that was made in a moment and that is that - these are my favorite decisions because after the decision is made, all I have to do is physically walk it and make the changes required to make sure that the decision can be lived.
The problem that I have faced is that I used smoking as both quick get-away and a reward for completing almost every task. So, when I experienced myself as emotional, I'd quickly run out (escape) and have a smoke. Or, after I got the dishes done, I'd go have a smoke. And now that I'm not smoking, there is no escape and there is no reward - lol. There's this lingering anticipation that exists within and as me - like, I am expecting at any moment to get a reward and then I remember, "Oh, right. There is no reward ..." And so I move and breath.
I have deliberately avoided writing for the last two days because I used to take smoke breaks while I was writing or use the anticipated reward of the cigarette to push myself through finishing a writing. I have paired smoking with other activities as well so I'm currently working on restructuring - AGAIN.
It is fascinating to see the moments within my day when I would have run out. It's like I was giving myself 'time-out's from life. I mean, any little tiny point of reaction and I was outta here for 10 minutes, plus or minus. I see that it could be the tone of another's voice, a certain expression, or a moment that I'm uncomfortable being in.
So, it's an interesting time in my life right now - all this cool (and not-so-cool) stuff is right here where I can see it and investigate it rather than ignore it, forget about it, or rush through it. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-142-smoke-break.html#sthash.Z40sx62N.dpuf
My decision to stop smoking was because I wanted to. That's pretty much it. There's the health factors to consider but those weren't entirely apart of my decision process and instead an incentive. This is one of those decisions that was made in a moment and that is that - these are my favorite decisions because after the decision is made, all I have to do is physically walk it and make the changes required to make sure that the decision can be lived.
The problem that I have faced is that I used smoking as both quick get-away and a reward for completing almost every task. So, when I experienced myself as emotional, I'd quickly run out (escape) and have a smoke. Or, after I got the dishes done, I'd go have a smoke. And now that I'm not smoking, there is no escape and there is no reward - lol. There's this lingering anticipation that exists within and as me - like, I am expecting at any moment to get a reward and then I remember, "Oh, right. There is no reward ..." And so I move and breath.
I have deliberately avoided writing for the last two days because I used to take smoke breaks while I was writing or use the anticipated reward of the cigarette to push myself through finishing a writing. I have paired smoking with other activities as well so I'm currently working on restructuring - AGAIN.
It is fascinating to see the moments within my day when I would have run out. It's like I was giving myself 'time-out's from life. I mean, any little tiny point of reaction and I was outta here for 10 minutes, plus or minus. I see that it could be the tone of another's voice, a certain expression, or a moment that I'm uncomfortable being in.
So, it's an interesting time in my life right now - all this cool (and not-so-cool) stuff is right here where I can see it and investigate it rather than ignore it, forget about it, or rush through it. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-142-smoke-break.html#sthash.Z40sx62N.dpuf
I stopped
smoking cigarettes this week. It is interesting to see how I use
smoking as both an escape and a reward. I've found that I need to keep
physically moving and breathing as a way to keep myself from going into
my mind
and into my imagination where I can create a space to escape from the
day-to-day moments of my life. The reward part is the tough one and is
the point throughout my day that will trigger my addiction response. As
I write I am fidgeting in my seat, rocking back and forth, keep looking
out the window, and continually having to bring myself back from the
'fuzziness' in my head. I have spent most of my time this week outside
and I started cardio and strength training again.
My decision to stop smoking was because I wanted to. That's pretty much it. There's the health factors to consider but those weren't entirely apart of my decision process and instead an incentive. This is one of those decisions that was made in a moment and that is that - these are my favorite decisions because after the decision is made, all I have to do is physically walk it and make the changes required to make sure that the decision can be lived.
The problem that I have faced is that I used smoking as both quick get-away and a reward for completing almost every task. So, when I experienced myself as emotional, I'd quickly run out (escape) and have a smoke. Or, after I got the dishes done, I'd go have a smoke. And now that I'm not smoking, there is no escape and there is no reward - lol. There's this lingering anticipation that exists within and as me - like, I am expecting at any moment to get a reward and then I remember, "Oh, right. There is no reward ..." And so I move and breath.
I have deliberately avoided writing for the last two days because I used to take smoke breaks while I was writing or use the anticipated reward of the cigarette to push myself through finishing a writing. I have paired smoking with other activities as well so I'm currently working on restructuring - AGAIN.
It is fascinating to see the moments within my day when I would have run out. It's like I was giving myself 'time-out's from life. I mean, any little tiny point of reaction and I was outta here for 10 minutes, plus or minus. I see that it could be the tone of another's voice, a certain expression, or a moment that I'm uncomfortable being in.
So, it's an interesting time in my life right now - all this cool (and not-so-cool) stuff is right here where I can see it and investigate it rather than ignore it, forget about it, or rush through it. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-142-smoke-break.html#sthash.Z40sx62N.dpuf
My decision to stop smoking was because I wanted to. That's pretty much it. There's the health factors to consider but those weren't entirely apart of my decision process and instead an incentive. This is one of those decisions that was made in a moment and that is that - these are my favorite decisions because after the decision is made, all I have to do is physically walk it and make the changes required to make sure that the decision can be lived.
The problem that I have faced is that I used smoking as both quick get-away and a reward for completing almost every task. So, when I experienced myself as emotional, I'd quickly run out (escape) and have a smoke. Or, after I got the dishes done, I'd go have a smoke. And now that I'm not smoking, there is no escape and there is no reward - lol. There's this lingering anticipation that exists within and as me - like, I am expecting at any moment to get a reward and then I remember, "Oh, right. There is no reward ..." And so I move and breath.
I have deliberately avoided writing for the last two days because I used to take smoke breaks while I was writing or use the anticipated reward of the cigarette to push myself through finishing a writing. I have paired smoking with other activities as well so I'm currently working on restructuring - AGAIN.
It is fascinating to see the moments within my day when I would have run out. It's like I was giving myself 'time-out's from life. I mean, any little tiny point of reaction and I was outta here for 10 minutes, plus or minus. I see that it could be the tone of another's voice, a certain expression, or a moment that I'm uncomfortable being in.
So, it's an interesting time in my life right now - all this cool (and not-so-cool) stuff is right here where I can see it and investigate it rather than ignore it, forget about it, or rush through it. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-142-smoke-break.html#sthash.Z40sx62N.dpuf
I stopped
smoking cigarettes this week. It is interesting to see how I use
smoking as both an escape and a reward. I've found that I need to keep
physically moving and breathing as a way to keep myself from going into
my mind
and into my imagination where I can create a space to escape from the
day-to-day moments of my life. The reward part is the tough one and is
the point throughout my day that will trigger my addiction response. As
I write I am fidgeting in my seat, rocking back and forth, keep looking
out the window, and continually having to bring myself back from the
'fuzziness' in my head. I have spent most of my time this week outside
and I started cardio and strength training again.
My decision to stop smoking was because I wanted to. That's pretty much it. There's the health factors to consider but those weren't entirely apart of my decision process and instead an incentive. This is one of those decisions that was made in a moment and that is that - these are my favorite decisions because after the decision is made, all I have to do is physically walk it and make the changes required to make sure that the decision can be lived.
The problem that I have faced is that I used smoking as both quick get-away and a reward for completing almost every task. So, when I experienced myself as emotional, I'd quickly run out (escape) and have a smoke. Or, after I got the dishes done, I'd go have a smoke. And now that I'm not smoking, there is no escape and there is no reward - lol. There's this lingering anticipation that exists within and as me - like, I am expecting at any moment to get a reward and then I remember, "Oh, right. There is no reward ..." And so I move and breath.
I have deliberately avoided writing for the last two days because I used to take smoke breaks while I was writing or use the anticipated reward of the cigarette to push myself through finishing a writing. I have paired smoking with other activities as well so I'm currently working on restructuring - AGAIN.
It is fascinating to see the moments within my day when I would have run out. It's like I was giving myself 'time-out's from life. I mean, any little tiny point of reaction and I was outta here for 10 minutes, plus or minus. I see that it could be the tone of another's voice, a certain expression, or a moment that I'm uncomfortable being in.
So, it's an interesting time in my life right now - all this cool (and not-so-cool) stuff is right here where I can see it and investigate it rather than ignore it, forget about it, or rush through it. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-142-smoke-break.html#sthash.Z40sx62N.dpuf
My decision to stop smoking was because I wanted to. That's pretty much it. There's the health factors to consider but those weren't entirely apart of my decision process and instead an incentive. This is one of those decisions that was made in a moment and that is that - these are my favorite decisions because after the decision is made, all I have to do is physically walk it and make the changes required to make sure that the decision can be lived.
The problem that I have faced is that I used smoking as both quick get-away and a reward for completing almost every task. So, when I experienced myself as emotional, I'd quickly run out (escape) and have a smoke. Or, after I got the dishes done, I'd go have a smoke. And now that I'm not smoking, there is no escape and there is no reward - lol. There's this lingering anticipation that exists within and as me - like, I am expecting at any moment to get a reward and then I remember, "Oh, right. There is no reward ..." And so I move and breath.
I have deliberately avoided writing for the last two days because I used to take smoke breaks while I was writing or use the anticipated reward of the cigarette to push myself through finishing a writing. I have paired smoking with other activities as well so I'm currently working on restructuring - AGAIN.
It is fascinating to see the moments within my day when I would have run out. It's like I was giving myself 'time-out's from life. I mean, any little tiny point of reaction and I was outta here for 10 minutes, plus or minus. I see that it could be the tone of another's voice, a certain expression, or a moment that I'm uncomfortable being in.
So, it's an interesting time in my life right now - all this cool (and not-so-cool) stuff is right here where I can see it and investigate it rather than ignore it, forget about it, or rush through it. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-142-smoke-break.html#sthash.Z40sx62N.dpuf
I stopped
smoking cigarettes this week. It is interesting to see how I use
smoking as both an escape and a reward. I've found that I need to keep
physically moving and breathing as a way to keep myself from going into
my mind
and into my imagination where I can create a space to escape from the
day-to-day moments of my life. The reward part is the tough one and is
the point throughout my day that will trigger my addiction response. As
I write I am fidgeting in my seat, rocking back and forth, keep looking
out the window, and continually having to bring myself back from the
'fuzziness' in my head. I have spent most of my time this week outside
and I started cardio and strength training again.
My decision to stop smoking was because I wanted to. That's pretty much it. There's the health factors to consider but those weren't entirely apart of my decision process and instead an incentive. This is one of those decisions that was made in a moment and that is that - these are my favorite decisions because after the decision is made, all I have to do is physically walk it and make the changes required to make sure that the decision can be lived.
The problem that I have faced is that I used smoking as both quick get-away and a reward for completing almost every task. So, when I experienced myself as emotional, I'd quickly run out (escape) and have a smoke. Or, after I got the dishes done, I'd go have a smoke. And now that I'm not smoking, there is no escape and there is no reward - lol. There's this lingering anticipation that exists within and as me - like, I am expecting at any moment to get a reward and then I remember, "Oh, right. There is no reward ..." And so I move and breath.
I have deliberately avoided writing for the last two days because I used to take smoke breaks while I was writing or use the anticipated reward of the cigarette to push myself through finishing a writing. I have paired smoking with other activities as well so I'm currently working on restructuring - AGAIN.
It is fascinating to see the moments within my day when I would have run out. It's like I was giving myself 'time-out's from life. I mean, any little tiny point of reaction and I was outta here for 10 minutes, plus or minus. I see that it could be the tone of another's voice, a certain expression, or a moment that I'm uncomfortable being in.
So, it's an interesting time in my life right now - all this cool (and not-so-cool) stuff is right here where I can see it and investigate it rather than ignore it, forget about it, or rush through it. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-142-smoke-break.html#sthash.Z40sx62N.dpuf
My decision to stop smoking was because I wanted to. That's pretty much it. There's the health factors to consider but those weren't entirely apart of my decision process and instead an incentive. This is one of those decisions that was made in a moment and that is that - these are my favorite decisions because after the decision is made, all I have to do is physically walk it and make the changes required to make sure that the decision can be lived.
The problem that I have faced is that I used smoking as both quick get-away and a reward for completing almost every task. So, when I experienced myself as emotional, I'd quickly run out (escape) and have a smoke. Or, after I got the dishes done, I'd go have a smoke. And now that I'm not smoking, there is no escape and there is no reward - lol. There's this lingering anticipation that exists within and as me - like, I am expecting at any moment to get a reward and then I remember, "Oh, right. There is no reward ..." And so I move and breath.
I have deliberately avoided writing for the last two days because I used to take smoke breaks while I was writing or use the anticipated reward of the cigarette to push myself through finishing a writing. I have paired smoking with other activities as well so I'm currently working on restructuring - AGAIN.
It is fascinating to see the moments within my day when I would have run out. It's like I was giving myself 'time-out's from life. I mean, any little tiny point of reaction and I was outta here for 10 minutes, plus or minus. I see that it could be the tone of another's voice, a certain expression, or a moment that I'm uncomfortable being in.
So, it's an interesting time in my life right now - all this cool (and not-so-cool) stuff is right here where I can see it and investigate it rather than ignore it, forget about it, or rush through it. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-142-smoke-break.html#sthash.Z40sx62N.dpuf
I stopped
smoking cigarettes this week. It is interesting to see how I use
smoking as both an escape and a reward. I've found that I need to keep
physically moving and breathing as a way to keep myself from going into
my mind
and into my imagination where I can create a space to escape from the
day-to-day moments of my life. The reward part is the tough one and is
the point throughout my day that will trigger my addiction response. As
I write I am fidgeting in my seat, rocking back and forth, keep looking
out the window, and continually having to bring myself back from the
'fuzziness' in my head. I have spent most of my time this week outside
and I started cardio and strength training again.
My decision to stop smoking was because I wanted to. That's pretty much it. There's the health factors to consider but those weren't entirely apart of my decision process and instead an incentive. This is one of those decisions that was made in a moment and that is that - these are my favorite decisions because after the decision is made, all I have to do is physically walk it and make the changes required to make sure that the decision can be lived.
The problem that I have faced is that I used smoking as both quick get-away and a reward for completing almost every task. So, when I experienced myself as emotional, I'd quickly run out (escape) and have a smoke. Or, after I got the dishes done, I'd go have a smoke. And now that I'm not smoking, there is no escape and there is no reward - lol. There's this lingering anticipation that exists within and as me - like, I am expecting at any moment to get a reward and then I remember, "Oh, right. There is no reward ..." And so I move and breath.
I have deliberately avoided writing for the last two days because I used to take smoke breaks while I was writing or use the anticipated reward of the cigarette to push myself through finishing a writing. I have paired smoking with other activities as well so I'm currently working on restructuring - AGAIN.
It is fascinating to see the moments within my day when I would have run out. It's like I was giving myself 'time-out's from life. I mean, any little tiny point of reaction and I was outta here for 10 minutes, plus or minus. I see that it could be the tone of another's voice, a certain expression, or a moment that I'm uncomfortable being in.
So, it's an interesting time in my life right now - all this cool (and not-so-cool) stuff is right here where I can see it and investigate it rather than ignore it, forget about it, or rush through it. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-142-smoke-break.html#sthash.Z40sx62N.dpuf
My decision to stop smoking was because I wanted to. That's pretty much it. There's the health factors to consider but those weren't entirely apart of my decision process and instead an incentive. This is one of those decisions that was made in a moment and that is that - these are my favorite decisions because after the decision is made, all I have to do is physically walk it and make the changes required to make sure that the decision can be lived.
The problem that I have faced is that I used smoking as both quick get-away and a reward for completing almost every task. So, when I experienced myself as emotional, I'd quickly run out (escape) and have a smoke. Or, after I got the dishes done, I'd go have a smoke. And now that I'm not smoking, there is no escape and there is no reward - lol. There's this lingering anticipation that exists within and as me - like, I am expecting at any moment to get a reward and then I remember, "Oh, right. There is no reward ..." And so I move and breath.
I have deliberately avoided writing for the last two days because I used to take smoke breaks while I was writing or use the anticipated reward of the cigarette to push myself through finishing a writing. I have paired smoking with other activities as well so I'm currently working on restructuring - AGAIN.
It is fascinating to see the moments within my day when I would have run out. It's like I was giving myself 'time-out's from life. I mean, any little tiny point of reaction and I was outta here for 10 minutes, plus or minus. I see that it could be the tone of another's voice, a certain expression, or a moment that I'm uncomfortable being in.
So, it's an interesting time in my life right now - all this cool (and not-so-cool) stuff is right here where I can see it and investigate it rather than ignore it, forget about it, or rush through it. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-142-smoke-break.html#sthash.Z40sx62N.dpuf
Thanks Carrie!
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