Day 85: What If I Die In My Sleep? - Part 3

Continuing from Day 82: What If I Die In My Sleep? and Day 84: What If I Die In My Sleep? - Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough money.  Bringing this point back to me dying in my sleep, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not have enough money to cover the expenses of myself dying unexpectedly in my sleep – afterall, I had simply planned on going to sleep and waking up after a few hours, I did not plan on dying and so, I did not prepare for my body to be taken care of when I no longer could.  And this takes money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not having enough money’ to fear of dying in my sleep and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear spending money.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear spending money because if I die unexpectedly and I have spent all of my money; there will be no money to fulfill my end of the financial responsibilities – my funeral expenses, my son’s education, my home, my bills, the care of my animals, the disposal of my material possessions – all of these things will become the financial burden of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘spending money’ to fear of dying in my sleep and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my money will be stolen.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that this fear of my money being stolen is equal-to and one with my fear of dying in my sleep in that it is an unexpected event that I cannot control that would place me in a position of having to look to another to assist with/take on the burden of my financial commitments and responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘my money being stolen’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to afford to pay my bills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to afford to pay my funeral bills and/or bills that may accrue after my death that I see myself as responsible for handling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not being able to afford my bills’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will have to compromise myself to make money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not being able to afford my funeral/death bills’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will have to compromise myself to make money so that I can die with a ‘clear conscious’ – because I experience guilt for not having yet placed myself in a financial position where all that I am responsible for here will be taken care of when and as I die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘self-compromise to make money’ and ‘self-compromise to make money to die’ to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing money.  Bringing the point back to dying in my sleep, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I die in my sleep unexpectedly without having a legally documented and signed plan for where my money/possessions/assets will go, that I, as my family, will lose that money that I see as their ‘right’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘losing money’ to fear and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not able to make money.   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not able to make the money required to support my family in the event that I die unexpectedly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not being able to make money’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not being able to make enough money to support my family in the event if I die unexpectedly’ to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I die unexpectedly that my family will lose our home, not have enough food to eat, have no clothes, not be able to support our animals, not have enough money to keep a vehicle on the road, be forced to place Hunter into a mainstream school system, lose/be forced to sell everything that we’ve worked for and be labeled as ‘poor’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘lose our home’, ‘not enough food’, ‘no clothes’, ‘lose animals’, ‘no running vehicle’, ‘Hunter in mainstream school system’, ‘lose/sell all that we have labored for’, and ‘labeled as poor’ to fear.  And thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what may happen in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what may happen in the future if I were to die unexpectedly – I see, realize, and understand that my fear of the future if I were to die unexpectedly is based on past experiences that I expect will occur or might occur again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I have watched others go through during my existence when and as a family member that the other family members count on as income to survive dies unexpectedly – over and over and over again in my world I have seen this – I have seen this in families, I have seen this on TV/movies/media, and I see others outside of myself preparing themselves and their finances in anticipation of this dying unexpectedly in the future point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect my expectations of ‘the future if I were to die unexpectedly’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that fear of the future equals fear of death and fear of self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that in the future my family will have no money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘my family with have no money in the future’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that in the future that I will get old – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that in the future that I will get old and die in my sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘getting old and dying in my sleep in the future’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I cannot change the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘cannot change the future’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

Day 84: What If I Die In My Sleep? - Part 2

Continuing from Day 82: What If I Die In My Sleep?

ART By Andrew Gable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT be honest with myself that a predominant reason that I do not want to die and that I do not want to leave this physical body, MY human body, is that I do not want to share with others what I have. Because I have defined everything in my world as MINE, I do not want to give it up unless it’s on MY TERMS.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself on in regards to death and other Destonian discussion regarding the ‘here-after’ and ‘swapping’, that I fear suffering, I fear pain, I fear losing what I ‘have’, and I fear that when I die, the work is just beginning and thus, there can be no rest for me – not here, not ‘there’, not anywhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my son will have a ‘new mommy’ if I die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my partner will choose a new partner that is better than I am if I die – to add to this fear, I have connected it to the fear that if I die, my partner will choose a new partner that is a better mom than I could have ever been – and within this, I show/tell myself that my partner and my son are ‘happier’ and stable without me so that I can experience sadness, sorrow, depression and self-pity as, “Everyone is better off now that I’m gone.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my partner will choose a new partner that is WORSE than I am if I die – to add to this fear, I have connected to it the fear that if I die, my partner could choose a partner that is abusive to my son, that he may be raised Christian, and/or that he would be forced into the public school system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the positive and negative events within my fear of death/dying in my sleep to additional layers of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my son and/or my partner’s reaction if they were to find me just dead – whether it be in the bed ‘in my sleep’ or on the floor ‘waking up from a heart attack in my sleep’.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my son and my partner will ‘freak out’ and be lost if/when/as they were to find me unexpectedly dead.  In my mind, I see my son crying, alone with my dead body and not knowing what to do – and I see my husband trying to revive me and when he can’t:  holding me, crying, rocking me.  This is some really fucked up imagery that’s mostly been learned via the media/Hollywood and we’ve all bought into it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious and nervous when and as I think about what could happen if I were to die unexpectedly in my sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anxiousness and nervousness when and as I imagine all of the events, situations, and problems that could arise if I were to unexpectedly die in my sleep – What if I shit my pants when I die and others find me in a stinky, shitty, disgusting mess?  What if my son comes in to wake me up in the morning and finds me dead – who would he call, what would he do, would he be traumatized for the rest of his life? What about all the stuff I own? What happens when people start coming into my house and finding all of this unorganized stuff that I did not get to?  What will they think of me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience nervousness and anxiety when I think about dying or dying in my sleep because I don’t know for certain the outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience nervousness and anxiety about dying and dying in my sleep because I see others as separate from me, as being better/superior to me, and/or being ‘super-human’ in that they may transcend shitting themselves when they die when I have not – I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I am communicating to myself here that I, am in-fact, in fear that my body will have the ‘last laugh’/the ‘last word’ – and I do not like this – I must be in complete control, even at the moment of death to ‘avoid embarrassment’.  I am competing with myself in separation where I, as my mind, will not give up on WINNING, even in that last moment of breath and I, as my mind, will make sure that I get what I want from my body – even if I have to abuse my physical body with shame, embarrassment, guilt, remorse, nervousness, and anxiety for every moment for the rest of my ‘life’ here on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience nervousness and anxiety about dying and dying in my sleep because I do not trust my physical body – I have not seen, realized, nor understood that this relationship that I have created of ‘distrust’ with my physical body can be applied to other aspects of my life – to other humans, places, events, etc. – all because I cannot control any of these.  I live in constant polarity of seeing other humans, places, animals, events, nature, etc., as both greater and then, to compensate, lesser than me. Back-and-forth-and-back-and-forth.  Because I have not allowed myself to be/become equal-to/one/amalgamate with my physical body, other humans, places, animals, events, etc., everything that I have allowed to exist outside of me – because I cannot control these things – I have not allowed myself to establish a relationship of trust with any of them.  It’s the BIG FUCK-YOU – where I say, ‘Fine, if you won’t promise to do what I want and do it, fuck you - you no longer exist in my world, you’re dumb, you’re dead weight to me, we are done here.’ Separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to separate and sever all relationships within myself and everything outside of myself in my world when I say, “I Am Done,” and then run-away from the relationships that I have created instead of taking responsibility for them. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience uncomfortableness, anxiety, and nervousness when faced with points within my relationship creations within myself and outside of myself as ‘others’ that I see myself as responsible for – instead of being self-responsible, I run away and try to ignore what I’ve created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety when I do not know how to handle the relationships that I’ve created instead of trusting myself, here as myself, in every moment of breath.  Bringing the point back to my fear of death and fear of dying in my sleep, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety because I do not know how to handle/control anything that happens in the moment and after the moment of death – and because of this one point that makes no common sense, I have separated myself from my physical body rather than trusting myself here as myself in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future of myself dying and dying in my sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘the future’ to ‘fear of dying’/’fear of dying in my sleep’, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear of dying/dying in my sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create expectations of how ‘things might be’ if/when/as I die and/or die in my sleep so that I feel and experience myself as having control over the future, because I fear the future.

More in the next blog.

Day 83: A Gift - PLEASE READ

Hi Everyone,

I am pausing my writing in-relation to my previous post because I have something important to share with you.

It is a gift. Here it is:

• All of your debt is removed.
• You have a quality home.
• You have the highest quality of food available to you at all times.
• You have healthcare.
• War is ended.
• All education is available to you.
• You are highly trained.
• You are employed at a job that you enjoy.
• You work 20-40 hours per week.
• At the age of 30, you may retire if you choose.
• You have true freedom of choice.
• You can actually live your life.
• You can vacation.
• You can explore.
• You have everything that makes your life comfortable, fun, and worth living.

Now, imagine: You are truly happy - for the first time ever.

Now, compare that imagination to where you are at the moment. You may have some of these things at a price - your time, your health, your life in fear that you could lose it all at any given moment, or a constant state of guilt that others do not have what you have. So, no matter how much you pay, you will NEVER have all of these things until you receive this gift.

We have had many discussions about what's been going on in this world. Together, we've opened each others eyes to many of the problems. This has been an intense process at times - what we've found is NOT cool, we have been overwhelmed, we see our situation as deeply rooted, and it just seems like there's no way we're going to get out of this mess we've allowed. And yes, we have Equal Money as a solution but we've all become way too dependent on the system of Capitalism and we have a long way to go before getting everyone into an agreement on the change.

Daily we are seeing things getting MUCH worse - and because of this, we need prevention now.

This is where Equal Money Capitalism comes in. This system will work as a bridge between from where we are at the moment as slaves to Capitalism to our destination which is free from Capitalism.

We have economists, psychologists, therapists, physicists, healthcare professionals, business owners, farmers, engineers, dieticians, educators, writers, web developers, researchers, artists, analysts, historians, activists, musicians, photographers, travelers, social workers, service professionals, software developers, students and parents working together to re-define Capitalism and create this new system. These are individuals who truly care for you, your children, your animals, your planet, your future, your children's future, your animals future, and the future of this planet. We do this because you, your children, the animals, nature, the Earth - all of these are important to us and we see that it is simple to prevent you or anything else that's important to us from ever having to suffer.

Myself specifically, for those of you that have been with me, heard me, and watched me over the past 2 years, you may see and be aware that what I am telling you is true - and I will say it again: I care. You are important to me. Here, in my life, in my work, my career directions, in my decision to change - I consider you, how these things will impact you, and how you can benefit from them. I imagine you genuinely happy, worry-free and no longer afraid that you are going to lose anything - and in moments when I doubt myself, this assists me in standing and not giving up.

The truth is, the best times of my life have been with the people in my world - my family, my friends, the people that I work with - yeah ... you're like, more than awesome and we've had a blast. I mean, really, when you look at it, WHY wouldn't I be doing the work I'm doing - why wouldn't I support Equal Money or EMC when it frees my friends up as much as it would free me up to enjoy this life together. It just makes sense.

So,

I have one more thing for you. A project.

Print out the EMC image above.

• After the EMC image has printed, cut it out and tape to a window that is facing out to the road or your driveway, parking lot, etc.

I will do the same.

This will show that you're hearing what's being communicated and when the time comes that you will support a solution that provides basic human rights as well as the prevention to make sure that these basic rights are never denied again.

When you have done this, please leave me a comment in the Comment area below to let me know when it's done.

Thanks everyone.

Take care,

Carrie

Day 82: What If I Die In My Sleep?

Here I am sharing writing and self-forgiveness for my Fear of Dying In My Sleep. For previous writings in-relation to my walking the point of death, see: Honest Parent Dec 22 2012: On Death

Recently, a family member died from a heart-attack in their sleep.  It was assumed that the family member died painlessly.  I did not buy into this because a comedian on TV described a different scenario of those that die in their sleep – that, what in fact happens is that one wakes up from sleeping, grasping at their chest and gasping for air until they die and fall right back into the place that they were sleeping prior to their heart-attack – alone, looking as though one had died ‘peacefully’ with no one wiser to their pain.  Later, a woman described to me how her husband had woken up from sleep and suffered a heart-attack – she watched him die, she said she was powerless, and that it was horrific. 

So, when I heard from my partner that my family member died of a heart-attack in their sleep and that all assumed that the person had ‘probably slept right through it’ with the reasoning that they had diabetes, I did not for one moment believe this.  Within my mind, I saw my family member waking from sleep, grasping at their chest and neck with fear while they tried to get air into their lungs until they died, falling right back into the position that they had been sleeping in.

Physically, I crossed my arms in front of me, set my jaw, and watched my partner’s features for any physical indication that he was not convinced about the ‘painless story’.  Not seeing any, I questioned myself, ‘…perhaps diabetes would numb the heart area and maybe this person didn’t feel any pain … maybe they did sleep through it …’ I communicated this to my partner and he confirmed that diabetes could have numbed the pain, which is why the family member didn’t wake up.

Either way, in the end, I had a faint graven image of my family member in my mind – curled up in the fetal position on their side in bed and gray.

They are dead. 

I have always had a fear of dying in my sleep because I have feared that if I died in my sleep that I would get lost in my dreams and that it would take me a long time to find my way back to myself or back to ‘home’.  Also, where I am now, I do not want to miss any detail of my death.  When I die, I want to be aware that I am in fact dying and not suddenly wake up in someplace where I don’t know where I am or how I got there.  Additionally, I’m always afraid that I’m going to ‘miss out on’ or lose an opportunity for an experience that others have and/or had.

·          

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will lose myself, within this implying that I am able to ‘get lost’.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is possible for me to be lost within the realization that I am here always.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘lose myself’ to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing myself in my sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect losing myself in my sleep to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my life while I am sleeping.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect losing my life while I am sleeping to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the physical experience of death because I am sleeping, dreaming, and/or not aware.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘losing the physical experience of death because I am sleeping, dreaming, and/or not aware’ to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing – even at death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘losing – even at death’ to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself changing at death – whether it be in my sleep or otherwise, however I get there – where because I have defined myself by my characters, the way I look, the people that I know, the ‘things that I own’, and my physical reality, I fear losing this work that I have done to create the characters, the look, the relationships with people, and the ‘things that I own’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to that which I have accepted and allowed to exist separately from me within my world and thus, within and as that separation, I believe, show, and tell myself that when I die, all of those parts that I have separated myself from will be gone from me forever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in placing myself in material and emotional possessions in my world, where if I were to physically die, I would be gone, I would go, I would disappear, I would forget/be forgotten – I can’t handle that; I have to control my experiences and my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and control my experiences and my world because as long as I am able to control my experiences my world, I see that I am in control and I do not have change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a method of control in my world where I manipulate, lie, tell part-truths, avoid, create conflict, speak knowledge and information, blame and enforce guilt to control the human beings in my world to keep them locked-in to the way that I want them to be so that I do not have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might lose part of myself if I change.  And bringing this point back to my fear of death and dying in my sleep, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will lose the human beings and physical materials that I control and possess – everything that I know that I can control with my methods of control, are gone when and as I physically die and thus, lose myself and how I have come to define myself within and through that which I have separated myself from.  I see death as the ‘ultimate change’ – the BIG change, the inevitable change that can happen at any moment and the where, when and how of my death is the unknown variable that I cannot control and instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is myself communicating to myself about my negative fear of losing everything if I change, I tell myself that ‘to die would be a great adventure’ positively and then ‘it happens when it happens’ as means of ‘settling’ myself within a neutral standing in which I express my living as, ‘I have no power or control so I accept’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘losing parts of myself when and as I change from being here physically to not when I physically die’ to fear and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that changing from being here physically to not being here physically will be difficult, painful, hell, torture, frightening, and confusing.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood this is me communicating to myself about my perspective and living expression within and as the point of change – my ‘not wanting to’ and resistance to changing is actually myself self-sabotaging myself with fear of difficulty, pain, hell, torture, fright and confusion – and because I have accepted and allowed this fear to exist within and as me in relation to change, it has in-fact become my relationship with change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘changing being difficult, painful, hell, torture, frightening, and confusing’ to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not able to change.  Bringing this back to death and dying in my sleep, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I die in my sleep that I will fuck up death too – that I will lose out on that moment because I was sleeping, sucked into my mind, and not aware.  Additionally, I fear that after my physical death that I will not be able to change and that I will continue to repeat the same patterns over-and-over-and-over again, not ‘get it right’, and be lost for eternity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changes in my environment where ‘my environment’ in relation to death is:  I fear that I will catch a disease from my environment/my living/others that I cannot control that would be ‘the end of me’ and kill me. As my mind where I negatively tell/show myself that I cannot control others and the diseases that others spread so I must control myself by positively demonstrating myself as ‘above disease/others with disease’ and so neutralize my physical environment with separating myself from others when there is a ‘flu’ going around and neutralize myself and the environments that I control with chemicals that kill diseases.  I have not seen nor realized that the chemicals that I use to kill and/or neutralize disease in my environment can also kill me – and thus, fearing changes in my environment that could kill me manifests changes in my environment that can kill me.  Additionally, until now, I have not seen, realized, nor understood just how vicious, dangerous, and physically abusive neutrality is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear leaving this physical existence forever – and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being in a non-physical existence because I have no fucking clue how the here-after functions, how it works, what the ‘rules’ are, how it ‘looks’ and how I must change myself to not be lonely for eternity.  Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death because I fear that I will never be able to come back here within and as this physical existence – because this physical existence is ‘all that I know’ and ‘all that I have defined myself within and as’, I cannot imagine any other existence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘changes in my existence’ to fear of The Unknown and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing/adapting to the beings around me in the here-after – if there are any beings around me at all.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear any changes in the beings in the here-after – where, I become uncomfortable and insecure when I try to imagine what beings in the here-after are/will be ‘like’ because my mind cannot ‘wrap itself around’/see/make a connection and/or relationship to that which I, as a mind consciousness system have never had an experience with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘changing/adapting to the beings around me in the here – after, if there are any beings around me at all’ to fear.  And thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing because my fear of being alone – I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will have to change my ‘role’ within existence over-and-over again.   Where I’m seeing the here-after as hard-work that one CAN NOT simply just ‘settle’ into one position, master the position, and make a choice later on of whether one stays within their position or if one moves on.  I am scared that I will have to live many ‘illusionary’ lives in the here-after to their fullest potential and once this is done, as I am about to live a life of enjoyment and fun, I will be removed/removed myself and placed/place myself within and as another.

Continuing with Self-Forgiveness in my next entry.

Day 81: I Listen To My Inner Voice - Part 2

Here I am writing Self-Correction and Self-Commitment from Day 80: I Listen To My Inner Voice writing and Self-Forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen-to, trust, and be directed by my 'inner voice' that tells me what to do, where to go, who to be, and who to be with at any given moment.  I accept and allow my conscious to be my guide and my companion in my daily living and the result of this is me being in constant conflict with myself where I am always pulled in two different directions of Bad/Wrong/Negative and Good/Right/Positive.

When and as I see that I am directing myself according to what my inner-voice suggests without considering the consequences of what I am doing, where I am going, who I am, and who I am with in the moment which is indicated to me by myself not making a self-directed decision, I stop.  I see, realize and understand that allowing my consciousness to be my guide places me in constant conflict with myself because on 'one side of me' I'm experiencing myself as negative due to the points that I have not stabilized myself within/as and 'on the other side of me' as my consciousness, I will deny the negative, tell myself 'how good I am' to off-set the negativity, and do whatever 'feels good' and comfortable in the moment.  Within this, I see, realize, and understand that if I keep ignoring, down-playing, smoothing over, resisting, distracting myself from, and/or fleeing from what I judge as bad or wrong about me that the negative will keep coming back.

So, I commit myself to releasing myself from judging what I do, where I go, who I am, and/or who I am with as being bad and/or wrong by assisting and supporting myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction for these negative points which will equalize me with the points and thus prevent myself from being in constant conflict with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself that my negative reactions to others and things that I do not like is my 'inner voice' and my 'intuition' speaking to me.

When and as I see myself telling myself that my 'gut feeling' is me communicating to me as my 'inner-voice' and/or 'intuition, I stop.  I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that if I am experiencing movement in my 'gut' or 'solar-plexus' area that what I am in-fact looking at is a point of fear or excitement that is required to be cleared and that I am giving myself an opportunity to direct myself in this moment rather than be directed.

I commit myself to 'listening to my gut feeling' as a point of support for myself where I will take the opportunity to walk my reaction to an event, situation, person, memory, and/or thought - I will walk these trigger reaction points utilizing breath, my physical body, and my mind to communicate with myself about what it is that I'm required to be self-honest within/as myself and within this process, assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore, 'X'-out, close my eyes, turn my head, walk away, or pretend something or someone doesn't exist in my world if it/they are negative in nature or don't 'vibe' with me.

When and as I see that I am abdicating my responsibility to my world and my reality as indicated by me attempting to ignore, cancel-out, x-out, close my eyes, turn my head, walk away, or pretend something or someone doesn't exist because I do not want to experience a negative reaction or investigate my 'bad vibe', I stop.  I breath.  First, I see, realize and understand that any 'vibe' that I experience is an energetic reaction that must be walked.  And second, I see, realize, and understand that attempting to ignore or delete anything within in this existence with the 'power of my mind' and 'creative visualizations' has not worked - it is all still here and that if I want it to stop and not be apart of this world then I must stand up and be stable within my standing if I am ever going to be a part of changing this world.

I commit myself to no longer 'look away' from or 'x-out' something/someone here that I experience a negative 'vibe' from and instead breath and investigate myself with bringing the point that I'm reacting to back to myself as I see, realize, and understand from previous writings, self-forgiveness, and my studies that what is happening is simply a reflection of myself that I do not want to face.  And so, I breath and I face it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my 'intuition' and my 'inner-voice' to have a power greater than my own where I make a religion out of following my 'intuition' and my 'inner voice' - I give my 'intuition' and 'inner-voice' God-like status. Instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is me as a physical body communicating to myself about myself, I separate myself into parts where my 'intuition' and 'inner-voice' are the All-Seeing and All-Knowing entity that exists within me that is my 'real self' that is not 'from this earth'.  Within this, I do not take responsibility for or investigate what I communicate to myself - I make assumptions, I create wondrous imaginations, and I tell myself that this is all an illusion because it's easy to do this and I make myself 'feel better' about myself in this way.

When and as I see that I am going into my mind and making connections from the experiences in my daily living to my assumptions and imaginations, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that if I participate in this behavior of accepting and allowing myself to make assumptions based on my imagination connections, that I am taking the chance of creating a self-religious experience guided by my 'inner-voice' and 'intuition' that I have given God-like status because I tell myself what I want to hear as my Ego.

I commit myself to stop my participation in my imagination connections to the experiences in my life and thus my self-religion assumptions by 'grounding myself' here in physical reality - I do this in breath because from here in the moment of breath, I see when I am going into my mind because my sight blurrs, my thoughts begin moving away from me and/or disappear and I stop breathing and/or hold my breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my 'vibes' to dictate who or what I am around.  I have not see, realized, nor understood that by me accepting and allowing myself to push others away because I get a 'bad vibe' that I am missing an opportunity to get to know someone that could be cool and show me parts of myself that I never considered.  On the flip-side, I choose to be around certain people and in specific situations that I am comfortable with because as long as I am in-control of my situation and/or the others in my life, I do not have to change.

When and as I see that I am pushing others away as indicated by me not wanting to be around them or be seen with them, I stop.  I breath.  I remain here in the moment of breath where I investigate myself as others outside of myself reflect me back to myself because I see, realize, and understand that when in the situation where I want to get out/get away from others that do not fit my mind's description of how I want to be seen or who I want to be seen with, that what is in-fact happening is that I do not want myself or others to see the reflection of me or an interpretation of me that I do not 'approve'.  Within this, when and as I find points within myself that I am attempting to control others perception of which will become clear to me in breath with others, I commit myself to an investigation of myself as to why I am attempting to control others perceptions of me and what exactly that is is that I fear losing and from here, I will assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiving, and self-correcting the points that I find while interacting with others.

Day 80: I Listen To My Inner-Voice

Throughout my life I have trusted my inner voice that tells me what to do, where to go, who to be, and who to be with at any given moment.  When I become uncomfortable with someone or something, I close my eyes, turn my head, ignore, pretend that it doesn't exist in my world or walk away.  When I'm watching TV, I will change the channel when pictures or stories of abused and starved animals and children come onto the screen - I tell myself that whatever it is that's giving me 'bad vibes' is only real I let it be real or if I give it attention. I have not seen myself as having the words to explain or make sense of the 'bad vibes' and 'negative feelings' that I am getting and in my world - I'm told that this okay and that I don't need to. I am told that I need to follow my 'gut instinct' and intuition.  I like this and I am comforted by this because I do not have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen-to, trust, and be directed by my 'inner voice' that tells me what to do, where to go, who to be, and who to be with at any given moment.  I accept and allow my conscious to be my guide and my companion in my daily living and the result of this is me being in constant conflict with myself where I am always pulled in two different directions of Bad/Wrong/Negative and Good/Right/Positive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself that my negative reactions to others and things that I do not like is my 'inner voice' and my 'intuition' speaking to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore, 'X'-out, close my eyes, turn my head, walk away, or pretend something or someone doesn't exist in my world if it/they are negative in nature or don't 'vibe' with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I imagine an 'X' over something 'bad' or 'negative' that I will cancel it out and/or remove it from existence.  With the power of my mind, I believe this will work and that all I have to do was 'will it'.  While I practice this, I never once investigate the point to see if actually works in reality because I 'trust' that the Universe gets my message and will do with it what it will do with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my 'intuition' and my 'inner-voice' to have a power greater than my own where I make a religion out of following my 'intuition' and my 'inner voice' - I give my 'intuition' and 'inner-voice' God-like status. Instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is me as a physical body communicating to myself about myself, I separate myself into parts where my 'intuition' and 'inner-voice' are the All-Seeing and All-Knowing entity that exists within me that is my 'real self' that is not 'from this earth'.  Within this, I do not take responsibility for or investigate what I communicate to myself - I make assumptions, I create wondrous imaginations, and I tell myself that this is all an illusion because it's easy to do this and I make myself 'feel better' about myself in this way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my 'vibes' to dictate who or what I am around.  I have not see, realized, nor understood that by me accepting and allowing myself to push others away because I get a 'bad vibe' that I am missing an opportunity to get to know someone that could be cool and show me parts of myself that I never considered.  On the flip-side, I choose to be around certain people and in specific situations that I am comfortable with because as long as I am in-control of my situation and/or the others in my life, I do not have to change.

 Self-Correction and Self-Commitment to follow.

Day 79: An Angel Watches Over Me - Part 2

Here I am writing Self-Correction and Self-Commitments for Day 78: An Angel Watches Over Me


For additional context see:
Dec 27, 2012 - On Guardian Angels and Dec 30, 2012 - Are Guardian Angels Real?

When and as I see that I am experiencing a fear of loss as indicated by me, participating in my thoughts and in my mind, searching for answers, signs and/or salvation from a being that I have made a relationship with as Greater, More Influencial, and More Powerful than myself, I stop.   I see, realize and understand that my fear of loss has never preventing anything from 'going wrong' in my life - additionally, I see, realize, and understand that I am giving my 'power' to control myself and make decisions that are best over to someone/something outside of myself that may or may not exist instead of directing, moving, changing, and taking care of myself, the beings in my world, and the points that important to me.

I commit myself to being/becoming my own Guardian where I take responsibility for my mistakes, make corrections for my mistakes, and prevent future mistakes - this is a self-directed act where I no longer look outside of myself for someone else to 'fix it' for me.

When and as I see that I have disconnected myself from my physical reality as indicated by myself thinking about and/or telling myself about my Specialness, my Special Purpose, my Meaning, my Influential Status, and the all the Good Karma/Points that I am adding up that will ensure I have an easy After-Life, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that by the act of living my life in preparation for my death that I am in-fact living to die - and because I am living to die, I have not once participated in this physical world as instead, I have been planning my escape because I Am Special and I Do Not Belong Here amongst this evilness.

I commit myself to being here - to no longer distract myself with my plan of escape.  I will amalgamate myself with this physical world by releasing myself from all of my mind creations because I see, realize, and understand that living in my mind and living out the pre-programming of my mind is not a life worth living.  I will assist and support myself to release myself from all of my mind creations with self-forgiveness.

When and as I see myself imagining that there is an entity outside of myself looking over me, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that I am communicating to myself that I must look-over myself - I must watch myself, keep myself safe, and stabilize my system of survival.  Additionally, I see that I am telling myself that 'no one can see me' which is a point that I see that I am required to investigate.

I commit myself to watch/observe myself, keep myself safe, and to stabilize my system of survival.

Additionally, I commit myself to investigate why it is that I'm telling myself that 'no-one can see me' - I will assist and support myself within this commitment with the tools of writing and self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to stop saying mean and nasty things about others within my mind-backchat by being self-honest about what I'm telling myself and releasing the mind-backchat with immediate self-forgiveness.

When and as I am in the process of telling/showing myself that I Am A Good Person, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that I am telling myself this about myself because in a previous moment I have told/shown myself that I Am A Bad Person and so I must turn the negative into a positive so that I can turn my negative depressive experience into a high experience.  This is not life - this is a mind-induced bi-polar rollercoaster.  Additionally, I see, realize and understand that if I am experiencing a 'High' that it's 'too late' - what's done is done and instead, I must stop myself at the Negative thoughts and release myself with self-forgiveness so that I do not compensate with the opposite polarity.

I commit myself to the prevention of myself from going into a Positive Energy High by slowing myself with breath and observing myself for my Negative thoughts - and instead of accepting and allowing myself to react, I will direct myself to release myself from my starting Negative points with writing and walking self-forgiveness.

When and as I see that I am attempting to go into a Personality Suit that deliberately attempts to show others that I Am Special-Confident-Blessed, I STOP.  I see, realize, and understand that using this expression is NOT was is best for anyone as it perpetuates Hope, Faith, Peacefulness, and separation from my fellow Earthlings.

I commit myself to stop expressing myself physically as Special, Confident, and Blessed within separation by stopping myself immediately from 'putting on the suit' which has always been a direct, deceptive act.

I commit myself to show that we as a group of humans are responsible for our World Systems as these systems are in existence precisely as they are because these systems are precisely what we wanted them to be.

From my perspective, we've never taken this place seriously anyway - why would we take it seriously when we see this existence as temporary - like this is the shitty apartment that we're waiting out our time in while we have hope, faith, and trust that we'll get into our Dream Home someday.  Why fix up the place when we've got a place waiting for us that's bigger, BETTER with Angels, halos, sparkles, gold, our favorite music playing 24-7 and everyone in our community is Happy, Blessed, and Special?

Regardless of what's waiting for us on the Other-Side, let's get to work on fixing this place up and making it into the Dream Home that we never want to leave.