Day 81: I Listen To My Inner Voice - Part 2

Here I am writing Self-Correction and Self-Commitment from Day 80: I Listen To My Inner Voice writing and Self-Forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen-to, trust, and be directed by my 'inner voice' that tells me what to do, where to go, who to be, and who to be with at any given moment.  I accept and allow my conscious to be my guide and my companion in my daily living and the result of this is me being in constant conflict with myself where I am always pulled in two different directions of Bad/Wrong/Negative and Good/Right/Positive.

When and as I see that I am directing myself according to what my inner-voice suggests without considering the consequences of what I am doing, where I am going, who I am, and who I am with in the moment which is indicated to me by myself not making a self-directed decision, I stop.  I see, realize and understand that allowing my consciousness to be my guide places me in constant conflict with myself because on 'one side of me' I'm experiencing myself as negative due to the points that I have not stabilized myself within/as and 'on the other side of me' as my consciousness, I will deny the negative, tell myself 'how good I am' to off-set the negativity, and do whatever 'feels good' and comfortable in the moment.  Within this, I see, realize, and understand that if I keep ignoring, down-playing, smoothing over, resisting, distracting myself from, and/or fleeing from what I judge as bad or wrong about me that the negative will keep coming back.

So, I commit myself to releasing myself from judging what I do, where I go, who I am, and/or who I am with as being bad and/or wrong by assisting and supporting myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction for these negative points which will equalize me with the points and thus prevent myself from being in constant conflict with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself that my negative reactions to others and things that I do not like is my 'inner voice' and my 'intuition' speaking to me.

When and as I see myself telling myself that my 'gut feeling' is me communicating to me as my 'inner-voice' and/or 'intuition, I stop.  I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that if I am experiencing movement in my 'gut' or 'solar-plexus' area that what I am in-fact looking at is a point of fear or excitement that is required to be cleared and that I am giving myself an opportunity to direct myself in this moment rather than be directed.

I commit myself to 'listening to my gut feeling' as a point of support for myself where I will take the opportunity to walk my reaction to an event, situation, person, memory, and/or thought - I will walk these trigger reaction points utilizing breath, my physical body, and my mind to communicate with myself about what it is that I'm required to be self-honest within/as myself and within this process, assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore, 'X'-out, close my eyes, turn my head, walk away, or pretend something or someone doesn't exist in my world if it/they are negative in nature or don't 'vibe' with me.

When and as I see that I am abdicating my responsibility to my world and my reality as indicated by me attempting to ignore, cancel-out, x-out, close my eyes, turn my head, walk away, or pretend something or someone doesn't exist because I do not want to experience a negative reaction or investigate my 'bad vibe', I stop.  I breath.  First, I see, realize and understand that any 'vibe' that I experience is an energetic reaction that must be walked.  And second, I see, realize, and understand that attempting to ignore or delete anything within in this existence with the 'power of my mind' and 'creative visualizations' has not worked - it is all still here and that if I want it to stop and not be apart of this world then I must stand up and be stable within my standing if I am ever going to be a part of changing this world.

I commit myself to no longer 'look away' from or 'x-out' something/someone here that I experience a negative 'vibe' from and instead breath and investigate myself with bringing the point that I'm reacting to back to myself as I see, realize, and understand from previous writings, self-forgiveness, and my studies that what is happening is simply a reflection of myself that I do not want to face.  And so, I breath and I face it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my 'intuition' and my 'inner-voice' to have a power greater than my own where I make a religion out of following my 'intuition' and my 'inner voice' - I give my 'intuition' and 'inner-voice' God-like status. Instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is me as a physical body communicating to myself about myself, I separate myself into parts where my 'intuition' and 'inner-voice' are the All-Seeing and All-Knowing entity that exists within me that is my 'real self' that is not 'from this earth'.  Within this, I do not take responsibility for or investigate what I communicate to myself - I make assumptions, I create wondrous imaginations, and I tell myself that this is all an illusion because it's easy to do this and I make myself 'feel better' about myself in this way.

When and as I see that I am going into my mind and making connections from the experiences in my daily living to my assumptions and imaginations, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that if I participate in this behavior of accepting and allowing myself to make assumptions based on my imagination connections, that I am taking the chance of creating a self-religious experience guided by my 'inner-voice' and 'intuition' that I have given God-like status because I tell myself what I want to hear as my Ego.

I commit myself to stop my participation in my imagination connections to the experiences in my life and thus my self-religion assumptions by 'grounding myself' here in physical reality - I do this in breath because from here in the moment of breath, I see when I am going into my mind because my sight blurrs, my thoughts begin moving away from me and/or disappear and I stop breathing and/or hold my breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my 'vibes' to dictate who or what I am around.  I have not see, realized, nor understood that by me accepting and allowing myself to push others away because I get a 'bad vibe' that I am missing an opportunity to get to know someone that could be cool and show me parts of myself that I never considered.  On the flip-side, I choose to be around certain people and in specific situations that I am comfortable with because as long as I am in-control of my situation and/or the others in my life, I do not have to change.

When and as I see that I am pushing others away as indicated by me not wanting to be around them or be seen with them, I stop.  I breath.  I remain here in the moment of breath where I investigate myself as others outside of myself reflect me back to myself because I see, realize, and understand that when in the situation where I want to get out/get away from others that do not fit my mind's description of how I want to be seen or who I want to be seen with, that what is in-fact happening is that I do not want myself or others to see the reflection of me or an interpretation of me that I do not 'approve'.  Within this, when and as I find points within myself that I am attempting to control others perception of which will become clear to me in breath with others, I commit myself to an investigation of myself as to why I am attempting to control others perceptions of me and what exactly that is is that I fear losing and from here, I will assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiving, and self-correcting the points that I find while interacting with others.

Day 80: I Listen To My Inner-Voice

Throughout my life I have trusted my inner voice that tells me what to do, where to go, who to be, and who to be with at any given moment.  When I become uncomfortable with someone or something, I close my eyes, turn my head, ignore, pretend that it doesn't exist in my world or walk away.  When I'm watching TV, I will change the channel when pictures or stories of abused and starved animals and children come onto the screen - I tell myself that whatever it is that's giving me 'bad vibes' is only real I let it be real or if I give it attention. I have not seen myself as having the words to explain or make sense of the 'bad vibes' and 'negative feelings' that I am getting and in my world - I'm told that this okay and that I don't need to. I am told that I need to follow my 'gut instinct' and intuition.  I like this and I am comforted by this because I do not have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen-to, trust, and be directed by my 'inner voice' that tells me what to do, where to go, who to be, and who to be with at any given moment.  I accept and allow my conscious to be my guide and my companion in my daily living and the result of this is me being in constant conflict with myself where I am always pulled in two different directions of Bad/Wrong/Negative and Good/Right/Positive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself that my negative reactions to others and things that I do not like is my 'inner voice' and my 'intuition' speaking to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore, 'X'-out, close my eyes, turn my head, walk away, or pretend something or someone doesn't exist in my world if it/they are negative in nature or don't 'vibe' with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I imagine an 'X' over something 'bad' or 'negative' that I will cancel it out and/or remove it from existence.  With the power of my mind, I believe this will work and that all I have to do was 'will it'.  While I practice this, I never once investigate the point to see if actually works in reality because I 'trust' that the Universe gets my message and will do with it what it will do with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my 'intuition' and my 'inner-voice' to have a power greater than my own where I make a religion out of following my 'intuition' and my 'inner voice' - I give my 'intuition' and 'inner-voice' God-like status. Instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is me as a physical body communicating to myself about myself, I separate myself into parts where my 'intuition' and 'inner-voice' are the All-Seeing and All-Knowing entity that exists within me that is my 'real self' that is not 'from this earth'.  Within this, I do not take responsibility for or investigate what I communicate to myself - I make assumptions, I create wondrous imaginations, and I tell myself that this is all an illusion because it's easy to do this and I make myself 'feel better' about myself in this way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my 'vibes' to dictate who or what I am around.  I have not see, realized, nor understood that by me accepting and allowing myself to push others away because I get a 'bad vibe' that I am missing an opportunity to get to know someone that could be cool and show me parts of myself that I never considered.  On the flip-side, I choose to be around certain people and in specific situations that I am comfortable with because as long as I am in-control of my situation and/or the others in my life, I do not have to change.

 Self-Correction and Self-Commitment to follow.

Day 79: An Angel Watches Over Me - Part 2

Here I am writing Self-Correction and Self-Commitments for Day 78: An Angel Watches Over Me


For additional context see:
Dec 27, 2012 - On Guardian Angels and Dec 30, 2012 - Are Guardian Angels Real?

When and as I see that I am experiencing a fear of loss as indicated by me, participating in my thoughts and in my mind, searching for answers, signs and/or salvation from a being that I have made a relationship with as Greater, More Influencial, and More Powerful than myself, I stop.   I see, realize and understand that my fear of loss has never preventing anything from 'going wrong' in my life - additionally, I see, realize, and understand that I am giving my 'power' to control myself and make decisions that are best over to someone/something outside of myself that may or may not exist instead of directing, moving, changing, and taking care of myself, the beings in my world, and the points that important to me.

I commit myself to being/becoming my own Guardian where I take responsibility for my mistakes, make corrections for my mistakes, and prevent future mistakes - this is a self-directed act where I no longer look outside of myself for someone else to 'fix it' for me.

When and as I see that I have disconnected myself from my physical reality as indicated by myself thinking about and/or telling myself about my Specialness, my Special Purpose, my Meaning, my Influential Status, and the all the Good Karma/Points that I am adding up that will ensure I have an easy After-Life, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that by the act of living my life in preparation for my death that I am in-fact living to die - and because I am living to die, I have not once participated in this physical world as instead, I have been planning my escape because I Am Special and I Do Not Belong Here amongst this evilness.

I commit myself to being here - to no longer distract myself with my plan of escape.  I will amalgamate myself with this physical world by releasing myself from all of my mind creations because I see, realize, and understand that living in my mind and living out the pre-programming of my mind is not a life worth living.  I will assist and support myself to release myself from all of my mind creations with self-forgiveness.

When and as I see myself imagining that there is an entity outside of myself looking over me, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that I am communicating to myself that I must look-over myself - I must watch myself, keep myself safe, and stabilize my system of survival.  Additionally, I see that I am telling myself that 'no one can see me' which is a point that I see that I am required to investigate.

I commit myself to watch/observe myself, keep myself safe, and to stabilize my system of survival.

Additionally, I commit myself to investigate why it is that I'm telling myself that 'no-one can see me' - I will assist and support myself within this commitment with the tools of writing and self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to stop saying mean and nasty things about others within my mind-backchat by being self-honest about what I'm telling myself and releasing the mind-backchat with immediate self-forgiveness.

When and as I am in the process of telling/showing myself that I Am A Good Person, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that I am telling myself this about myself because in a previous moment I have told/shown myself that I Am A Bad Person and so I must turn the negative into a positive so that I can turn my negative depressive experience into a high experience.  This is not life - this is a mind-induced bi-polar rollercoaster.  Additionally, I see, realize and understand that if I am experiencing a 'High' that it's 'too late' - what's done is done and instead, I must stop myself at the Negative thoughts and release myself with self-forgiveness so that I do not compensate with the opposite polarity.

I commit myself to the prevention of myself from going into a Positive Energy High by slowing myself with breath and observing myself for my Negative thoughts - and instead of accepting and allowing myself to react, I will direct myself to release myself from my starting Negative points with writing and walking self-forgiveness.

When and as I see that I am attempting to go into a Personality Suit that deliberately attempts to show others that I Am Special-Confident-Blessed, I STOP.  I see, realize, and understand that using this expression is NOT was is best for anyone as it perpetuates Hope, Faith, Peacefulness, and separation from my fellow Earthlings.

I commit myself to stop expressing myself physically as Special, Confident, and Blessed within separation by stopping myself immediately from 'putting on the suit' which has always been a direct, deceptive act.

I commit myself to show that we as a group of humans are responsible for our World Systems as these systems are in existence precisely as they are because these systems are precisely what we wanted them to be.

From my perspective, we've never taken this place seriously anyway - why would we take it seriously when we see this existence as temporary - like this is the shitty apartment that we're waiting out our time in while we have hope, faith, and trust that we'll get into our Dream Home someday.  Why fix up the place when we've got a place waiting for us that's bigger, BETTER with Angels, halos, sparkles, gold, our favorite music playing 24-7 and everyone in our community is Happy, Blessed, and Special?

Regardless of what's waiting for us on the Other-Side, let's get to work on fixing this place up and making it into the Dream Home that we never want to leave. 

Day 78: An Angel Watches Over Me

In this blog I am writing self-forgiveness in relation to my writings in my Honest Parent blog where I was looking at the point of Guardian Angels.  Within self-forgiveness I will be take responsibility for my beliefs in Angels/Powerful and Influential Entities as well as the consequences of my acceptance and allowance of these beliefs.  For context, see:



Dec 27, 2012 - On Guardian Angels and Dec 30, 2012 - Are Guardian Angels Real?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing - losing my life, losing my health, losing my identity, losing my children, and losing that which I see myself as possessing, and with this fear of losing, I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is an entity outside of myself with Great Mystical Powers and Influence that will assist me and save me if anything were to 'go really' wrong in my life that would threaten my life, my health, my identity, my children, and anything that I see myself as possessing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that there are Angels watching over us Special Humans that have purpose, meaning, good hearts, doing 'good work', have a special place in God's Heart, and have connections in a Heaven that is waiting for us.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I am 'invincible' and/or 'untouchable' by anything 'bad' because I am a Special Soul That Is Being Watched Over By A Guardian Angel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine a specific Angel looking over me - in-fact, I have further created the image in a dream and thus from that image been able to transpose the image of my Guardian Angel onto my physical reality where I am the only one that can see, feel, and experience my Angel as being with me - even though no one can see her, I know she is there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself with my mind-backchat, "If you don't have a Guardian Angel, it's your own fault because you don't believe or you're just a mean, nasty person that does not deserve an Angel."  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back-chat, "If you don't have a Guardian Angel, it's your own fault because you don't believe or you're just a mean, nasty person that does not deserve and Angel," to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react Positively when I get into a situation that I see is threatening that turns out 'okay' because it confirms my belief that I am still Special and that I have someone Special with Special Powers and Influence watching over me and keeping me from harm - I feel 'good' about myself, my life, and my purpose in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react Negatively when I get into a situation that I see is threatening that does not turn out in a way that I would have liked, expected, or hoped for because I tell myself that I 'probably did something wrong', that I was 'not good enough', and that My Special Entity With Special Powers and Influence is no longer watching me, looking out for me, or looking out for my best-interest.  Within this, because I experience myself as lost, worried, confused, over-whelmed, and in Emotional Turmoil and I do not like this, I will then react Positively and tell myself that I can do better - that is was just a fluke or that I am being tested as to make myself feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically express myself as confident, blessed, and knowing of my 'specialness' within and as myself and others telling me that I have an Angel or a Special Mysterious Entity watching over me - I square my shoulders, a tip my lips up at the edges, and I make my eyes rounder and 'sparkly'.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand the consequences of placing the responsibility of myself, my life and my livelihood within the protection of a entity outside of myself - Instead of taking care of myself and my physical body, I told myself that an entity would make sure that I was 'okay' - so, I would put off going to the doctor.  Instead of being cautious with my actions in my life, I had faith that I was protected - so I acted recklessly and once gave up everything that I had with the belief that I was blessed and would never have to worry about not having clothes, food, or shelter.  Additionally, because I placed the fate of myself in the hands of another outside of myself, I never taught or got myself in the habit of directing myself and instead, mis-placed my trust which led to one disappointment after another never seeing, realizing, or understanding that I have the Power of every moment of breath to direct myself and my life.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that because I have accepted and allowed myself to mis-place my responsibility and trust for the care and what is best for myself and humanity into the hands of an entity outside of myself, I have in-turn accepted and allowed an existence where we place our livelihood in the hands of our Education System, our companies that provide us with employment, our system of money, the banks, our State, our Country, the politicians, our Government - all of these that we as a group of humans separate ourselves from and blame each and every day of our lives instead of saying, "Thanks for the service that you have provided when I did not see myself as able - now that I'm seeing where we are required to make changes, it is time for us to establish a new agreement."

Self-Correction and Self-Commitment to follow in my next blog.

Day 77: I Have Everything - Part 7

In this blog I am writing out, self-forgiving, self-correcting, and making self-commitments for my Ego within the point, "I Have Everything".  For previous work within this point, see:

Day 70: I Have Everything - Fears
Day 72: I Have Everything - Part 2 - Thoughts
Day 73: I Have Everything - Part 3 - Imagination
Day 74: I Have Everything - Part 4 - Backchat
Day 75: I Have Everything - Part 5 - Reactions
Day 76: I Have Everything - Part 6 - Physical Dimension



When I was in my early 20's, I spent a lot of time with a person who taught me Positive Thinking and the Law of Attraction (before it was The Secret).  This person taught me Positive Affirmations, would share inspirational stories and books, introduced me to a Psychic that taught me Psychometry, and was a living example of what 'Having Everything' looked like.  I can still see this person's euphoric expression within my mind every time I look at what I have and/or don't have with worry and hear her affirmation, "I Have Everything That I Need ..."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would not have everything that I need and/or want and from this fear, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a 'Positive Thinker' in Hopes that it would keep me from ever going without and to calm myself when I worry about the lack of stuff/over-abudance of stuff that I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if I 'just think positively' and do not allow negative thoughts within myself, my environment and my world, then everything will be 'just fine'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine within my mind that 'everything I need and want' will come to me if I close my eyes, smile, breath, and imagine everything/something that I want/need coming to me and the exact details of how it will arrive to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the back-chat, "That person thinks SO negative - eww - I can't stand to be around them and I don't want their negativity to influence my positivity..." to exist within and as me.  And thus, I forgive myself that I have not see, realized, nor understood that I am in-fact communicating to myself within my back-chat, telling myself, "I am so negative ...  Why can't I make this stop ... I hate being around myself and I'm not worthy of those positive people that can make this 'Positive Thought'-thing work - I don't want to taint their goodness and success with my failure."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react positively when I 'get' what I wanted/needed and react negatively when I did not 'get' what I wanted/needed with my Positive Thinking Affirmations.  When I get what I wanted/needed, I experience a euphoria, a confirmation of myself as being recognized by 'The Universe' as deserving/good, being Superior over others, and taking pleasure in the fact that I have something that others do not.  When I do not get what I wanted/needed, I experience anger with myself, disappointment with myself, depressed that I 'must not be good enough or I did not do it right', being Inferior to others, and jealous and/or spiteful that others have something that I wanted/needed.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically express myself within myself being a 'Positive Thinker' character as a smiling, good-natured person that is blessed - when I see myself this way within my mind, my eyes are closed and the Light and Love of the Universe illuminates my face.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the consequences of myself participating in this 'I Have Everything I Need' Character is that I created self-doubt within myself, I have created competition for money/energy between myself and others, dishonesty within/as myself that anything 'Positive' exists, a physical expression of myself as a 'Blessed Being' as a cover-up so that I do not have look at what's really going on with me which is Anger, Disappointment, Depression, Not Being 'Good Enough', 'Wrong', Inferiority, Jealousy, and Spitefulness.

When and as I see that I am shifting into my 'I Have Everything' Character as indicated by my telling myself that 'I have everything I need ...' as an affirmation, I stop.  I breath myself back to my physical reality where I see, realize, and understand that the consequences of myself participating in this character's affirmations is that I'm self-sabotaging myself and my process of realizing myself when I accept and allow myself to be dishonest with myself - and within this dishonesty, I will get 'caught up' in reactions.

I commit myself to no longer allow the 'I Have Everything I Need' Character by stopping myself from participating with the affirmations that I have programmed into myself.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to physically express myself as a 'Blessed Being' of 'Light and Universal Love' by not allowing myself to direct my physical body based on a memory of another's expression.  Additionally, when other points come up within this 'Blessed Being' of 'Light and Universal Love'-ness, I commit myself to assist and support myself with self-forgiving myself for accepting and allowing these memories and/or visions to exist within and as me.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to see, realize, and understand WHY I am so miserable with being here that I must look outside of myself for rewards and positive experiences in order to 'feel better' - I will do this by investigating myself and writing out points that come up in my day-to-day living when and as I am experiencing myself as either High or Low.

I commit myself to stop projecting my 'negativity' on to others while seeing myself as as the 'positive' one by bring the points of negativity back to myself and self-honestly seeing how this negativity is in-fact me - from here, I will assist and support myself to write out and self-forgive myself for the negative, the bad, the ugly, and the out-right evil that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as me.

I commit myself to no longer direct/be directed by imagination within my own self-interest but to instead use my imagination to assist and support myself and others in bringing to reality a solution that is in the best interest of all.

I commit myself to stop telling myself that 'everything is going to be fine' as I see, realize, and understand that this is not true when I see my life and my world as it exists currently.  I will do this by stating to myself 'STOP' when and as I am attempting to calm, relieve, ignore and/or give myself a back-door out of an emotion, reaction, situation, and/or event within myself or my world.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to fear that I will 'go without' as fearing 'going without' hasn't changed a thing - I have gone without and I have gone with.  Further, fear is not real - fear is either a memory of the past or an imagination for/in the future - neither of which exist here in the moment breathing.

Day 76: I Have Everything - Part 6

In this blog I am writing out, self-forgiving, self-correcting, and making self-commitments to change for the Physical Dimension of the point, "I Have Everything".  For previous work within this point, see:

Day 70: I Have Everything - Fears
Day 72: I Have Everything - Part 2 - Thoughts
Day 73: I Have Everything - Part 3 - Imagination
Day 74: I Have Everything - Part 4 - Backchat
Day 75: I Have Everything - Part 5 - Reactions

Physical Dimension

In my previous blog, I wrote as a Negative Reaction the following:
Rushing around my home from one task to another with no clear direction - within this, sighing, rubbing my face, expressing myself as 'run-down', overwhelmed and 'running out of time'

In addition to this, I will express myself Neutrally, like in a Zombie State where I wander from one task to another with either a blank face or a slightly smiling face with my eyes turned downward or away from others.  Within this expression, I tell myself that I am 'happily and contentedly puttering around' and that 'it makes me happy to take care of my family by taking care of their stuff or making them stuff as it makes their life easy and worry free.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself as/within a Neutral Zombie State while taking care of everything that I have within my home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to either make my face look 'blank' or 'slightly smiling' as I communicate to myself and others within my environment that I am 'happy and content' to be serving what is is that I perceive as being 'their needs'. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that it 'makes me happy and content to take care of my family and our stuff because it allows my family time to rest, relax, and not have to worry'.  

I forgive myself that I have not accepted nor allowed myself the see, realize, nor understand that within this physical expression of myself that I am being dishonest with myself about what I 'like' to do and/or what gives me enjoyment because instead of expressing myself as I would if I truly enjoy something, I am telling myself that I have to move/act/hold my body in certain ways in an attempt to fool myself and others that I am enjoying what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am communicating to myself about what I want for myself within and as this physical expression of myself as: I want someone to take care of me and my stuff and I want someone to enjoy doing it.  Essentially, what I clearly want is to be able to abdicate the responsibility of myself, my stuff, and my messes - I want someone else to take the burden and be a character that consistently, day-after-day does not change within their desire to take care of stuff for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for not wanting to take of their things/their stuff/their problems/their world/themselves/others - instead of being equal-to this point, I have separated myself from this point and projecting it onto others in my world - in one way or another - where I would actually create a scenario within my environment and world where it is acceptable and allowable.

When and as I see myself acting out the I'm A Happy-Housewife-Zombie, I stop.  I breath.  I do not allow myself to go into mind, get fuzzy, and become among the 'living dead' as I see, realize, and understand that I am acting out a character that I have seen of the Happy Housewife That Takes Care of Stuff and Her Family - and this is not me - who I am is who I am within breath.

I commit myself to no longer physically become the Happy-Housewife-Zombie by stopping, breathing, and expressing myself as who I am within each moment of breath. 

I commit myself to no longer go into this Zombie-state so that I can pretend to not hear my thoughts and back-chat and instead, investigate and self-forgive my thoughts and back-chat when and as I am 'taking care of others' and/or 'take care of everything that I have'.

I commit myself to further investigate when/why/what/who I am changing for when I change my physical expressions of myself so that I can become equal-to these expressions and thus decide for myself what is necessary to keep and/or throw away - and as I sort through my everything that I have in my home, I sort through everything that I have in myself.


 

Day 75: I Have Everything - Part 5

In this blog I am writing out, self-forgiving, self-correcting, and making self-commitments to change for my Reactions to the point, "I Have Everything".  For previous work within this point, see:

Day 70: I Have Everything - Fears
Day 72: I Have Everything - Part 2 - Thoughts
Day 73: I Have Everything - Part 3 - Imagination
Day 74: I Have Everything - Part 4 - Backchat


Reactions

Negative - Rushing around my home from one task to another with no clear direction - within this, sighing, rubbing my face, expressing myself as 'run-down', overwhelmed and 'running out of time'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with sighing and rubbing my face as I express myself as 'run-down', overwhelmed and 'running out of time' when I look and see all the tasks I must complete in my home before I can experience myself as 'comfortable'.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood how angry I have become that I do not allow myself to move slowly and/or rest because I tell and show myself that there's always 'something more to do' and that my house must be/look a certain way before I can truly relax.  Everyday of my life has been me racing against the clock because with each passing day, it never gets better and so I tell myself that I am simply not working hard enough or that I am not doing enough with my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become angry with others as well as myself that I cannot relax/rest when and as others are relaxing.  I have not allowed myself to slow myself down enough to hear myself tell myself that the time spent doing things that I might enjoy or that require me to be off my feet are a waste of my time.  And thus, I have allowed myself to be/become resentful of others that are able to relax, rest, slow themselves down, and not be compelled/motivated/driven to constantly be 'on the move'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for me not being able to relax, rest, and or enjoy moments 'off my feet' because the way I'm seeing others is as lazy - and if they would take the time to assist me with what needs to be done instead of relaxing, resting, and participating in times that they enjoy, that chores/things that need to get done around my house would get done twice as fast and then we would all have the opportunity to relax.  I'm seeing myself as doing all of the work and/or the only person in my home motivated to create a comfortable, safe, relaxing, and clutter-free environment for myself and my family.

Positive - When I make progress within cleaning/clearing out areas in my home and making them organized, I experience accomplishment and happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react positively to being in an area of my home that I have cleaned/cleared and/or organized to my mind's standards and definitions of what 'looks' best where when I am able to make myself physically and mentally comfortable and/or stable in a space in my home, I experience a 'sense' of 'accomplishment' and 'happiness'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'like' my home only if specific tasks are completed.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am communicating to myself about myself when I am projecting my reactions, emotions, and feelings onto my home.  I have not allowed myself to see: that I am uncomfortable with myself unless I 'look' clean, well-organized, and 'attractive enough'; that I do not 'like' myself nor experience accomplishment and/or happiness if I do not appear to myself and others as clean, clear, and organized.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by myself as my mind's eye/view of what 'clean, cleared, and organized' looks like and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because of this unreal expectation of myself, to never have developed self-love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the 'sense of' 'happiness' and 'accomplishment' as positive feelings to cover up the truth of my matter which is: I don't like myself very much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I will 'only like me' when I do what I, as my mind, direct myself to do - and within this, allowing myself to chase after an infinite dangling carrot instead of being here in breath.  

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the person that I see myself being/becoming in the future is not real.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am never going to be 'good enough' for myself if I continue to direct myself based on what I, as my mind, shows/tells me is required for me to be 'good enough'. 

When and as I see myself within a loop of returning back to something in my physical environment over and over again within my environment as an obsessive pattern of checking with my mind to see if what I've done is 'good enough'.  I stop.  I BREATH.  I see, realize, and understand that this is me from/as my mind, entrapping me into an obsessive-compulsive pattern as to make sure that my time continues to be 'tied up',  instead of giving myself time to realize myself within physical relaxation.  I commit myself to stop going back to projects and/or work that I've done within my environment to check to see if my 'mind approves' by slowing myself down so that I can see myself within this pattern and actually telling myself to STOP - and thus, I do not allow myself to be trapped.



When and as I see that I am looking toward a version of myself that is not how/what/where I am in that moment, I stop.  I bring myself back to who I am, here.  I see, realize, and understand that who/what/where I am is/has been/ever will be here in the moment in breath.  I commit myself to stop creating a version of myself as how, what, who, and where I will be in the future within the realization that this is not real - this person does not exists - and so, I stop - I breath myself back to myself in the moment.

When and as I see that I am trying to cover up the negatives that I see around me and/or within me with positives, I stop.  I back up my process of thoughts that lead to my positive thought to the original negative point.  I self-forgive myself in the moment for accepting and allowing the negative, positive, polarity, and over-compensating points to exist within and as me.  I commit myself to stopping this pattern of covering of the negative stuff with positive stuff.