Day 98: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 11

 

Here I am continuing with Self-Correction and Self-Commitments started on Day 97: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 10.

When and as I see that I am attempting to ignore, avoid, get out of, and/or distract myself from living up to my commitments, responsibilities and tasks that I have agreed to as indicated by myself telling myself: "I do not have to apply myself all of the time.", "I have walked this point and lived it enough already.", "This doesn't apply to me anymore so I can do what I want now.", "I have transcended this point.", and/or "This is just too risky for me to give up - I need this about me to make it in this world." - I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that this is me giving myself reasons and excuses not change and instead of allowing myself to agree to the voice because it is what I want to hear, I remind myself of my commitment, I remind myself why I made this commitment, I remind myself of the consequences if I do not live up to my commitment and I live my words and do what I said I was going to do.

I commit myself to not allow myself to be directed by my inner-voice that I use to sneak away from my commitments, responsibility, and tasks by directing myself to stick to the decision I have made to stand for/as/of/within what I said I was going to do.

When and as I hear myself saying within and without that, "I have never committed to anything in my entire life.", I do not allow myself to agree with this statement and thus do not allow myself within not agreeing with this statement to recall memories and experiences of myself to confirm that this statement is true/real.   I see, realize, and understand that my memories and my experiences of myself are tools that I am required to work with so when they come up unexpectedly, I investigate them but do not allow myself to be directed by them - instead, I move myself to direct myself through and as my memories so that I may understand myself, why I am the way that I am, and release myself from the reactions associated with the memories and experiences.

I commit myself to stopping myself from being a person that has 'never committed to anything in life' by first, seeing, realizing, and understanding that I accepted and allowed this definition of myself - I created it - second, not accepting and allowing it as a definition of myself by stopping the excuse in it's tracks and re-tracing to the original memories, experiences, and thoughts that I had where I did not want to face myself.

I will continue with self-correction and self-commitments.

Day 97: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 10

How do I change from being Just A Kid to a mature, stable and responsible human being? 

To see how I have gotten here, read:


Day 96: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 9
Day 95: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 8
Day 94: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 7
Day 93: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 6
and Day 92: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 5

Sleep of reason brings monsters (2005) by Andrew Gable

The Problem: I have made the decision to change and within this decision have made several self-commitments to myself.  Some of the self-commitments may have not been practical or when I made these self-commitments I was basing them off what others saw as best for themselves without investigating the points self-honestly for myself.  The greater percentage of the self-commitments that I have made ARE practical and livable, however, I have not actually committed myself to many of these decisions and spoken/written word to change within my definition of the word Commitment which is 'do what you say you're going to do'.  As shown in Day 96: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 9 , the consequence of this equals to a pattern of emotional turmoil which is not best for myself or others.

The Solution: When and as I make a self-commitment to myself to change, I Do What I Say I Am Going To Do within the specificity that I have stated. If I state that I am not eating sugar for 21 days where 'eating sugar' means that I do not consume any products that have sugar listed in the ingredients, then I do not consume any food that has sugar listed in the ingredients for 21 days.  Within my commitment to myself, I do not allow excuses nor argue for my limitations - I do it until it is done.

The Reward: Seeing myself, for the first time ever, as a person that I want to be which is mature, direct, stable, and responsible.  And in-fact, living this as me for real - not just in some imaginary dimension in my mind.

Self-Correction and Self-Commitments for my Journey To Life Review - Day 1

When and as I see that I am connecting the words Commitment, Failure, and/or Consequence' to fear as indicated by myself having a fear reaction in my solar-plexus when as I see, speak, or hear the Words Commitment, Failure, and/or Consequence, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that this is a moment of opportunity to open a point that I may have missed or suppressed so within this,  I bring myself back to here and then direct myself with a review my minds thoughts and reactions previous to my physical reaction to pin-point what triggered the fear response.

I commit myself to stopping my fears from controlling, moving, and directing me and instead control, move, and direct my fears as a method of investigating myself with the assistance of my mind and physical body to pin-point what is causing a fear reaction within and as me. 

When and as I see that I am telling myself that 'I fear that I will disappoint, let myself down, or go back to the way that I was', I stop.  I breath.  I see, realize and understand that this statement of myself makes no sense, is not real, and is a back-door excuse for a moment that I did not want to do something - because as long as I am living my commitments then fear that I will disappoint myself, let myself down, or go back to the way that I was, does not exist.

I commit myself to stopping myself from telling myself, taking the bait, and then reacting to 'I might fail, that I might disappointment myself, that I might let myself down, and that I might go back to the way that I was' by standing within/for/as my self-commitments.  Within this, I commit myself to stopping myself from allowing myself to consider these back-door-out excuses by seeing, realizing, and understanding that allowing these will only lead to the consequence of inner-conflict.

When and as I see that I am imagining that 'consequence is out to get me', I laugh. I see, realize, and understand that consequence is a product of me and my living - I created it - it is not a separate entity from me and thus I must bring it back to myself and see where my application requires support, assistance and/or fine-tuning.  Instead of fleeing from the Big Scarey Consequence Monster when and as it comes, I re-direct myself to breath through my experience, stand, and assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction within the realization that moments to see myself self-honestly are gift and not a curse.

I commit myself to, when and as facing consequence, to breath, stand, and assist and support myself with the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction so that I can flag-point and address areas of my living that I have not been effective as per my decision to change.

More to come in the next entry.

Day 96: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 9

What are the consequences of allowing oneself to exist as a child within one's mind where one says, "I'm just a Kid At Heart.  I will never grow up ... " ??  Read here and find out.

For additional dimensions within the exploration of this topic, refer to:

Day 95: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 8
Day 94: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 7
Day 93: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 6
and Day 92: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 5



The Problem: The consequences of my acting out my Just A Kid character are that I never gave myself the opportunity to stand - when things get tough I experience turmoil, I rely on others to take care of me, I need someone outside of myself to confirm my experiences as 'special', I look to others for praise and I battle inside of me with these things because I judge myself as a result of me separating myself from this and defining myself as a strong, secure, and stable person.

When the truth is, I have been arguing for my limitations all along.  As this, I can find an excuse for myself in every moment for me not standing, not living my self-commitments, not sticking to my decisions, not taking control of my living, and not changing.

The Solution: See, realize and understand that when I do not live a practical self-commitment that I am being dishonest with myself as I formulate excuses - and within this seeing, realizing, and understanding, I direct myself within these moments when I am arguing for my limitations to instead self-forgive myself for accepting and allowing these excuses to exist within and as me and then re-direct myself to complete what I have set out to do and/or what must be done.

The Reward: I will see change in myself and my living as I will no longer be participating in a fight within myself and thus actually getting done for myself what I set out to do.  As I see that I can be trusted with what is important to me, I will establish self-trust.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the consequences of me acting out my Just A Kid character - I have created a life that is filled with chaos, mental and emotional turmoil, instability, and break-downs because I have continually, over-and-over again argued for my limitations as I tell myself that I Am Just A Kid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself NOT to see that me not standing is me not 'doing what I said I would do' within and as my re-definition of Commitment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require another outside of myself to confirm, feed, and comfort my limitations so that I can make them real and thus continue within the pattern and not change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself negatively within Guilt for not living up to my self-commitments - instead of standing as myself within the commitments that I have made for myself and making self-directed decisions in breath, I compare myself to others, judge myself, and from here, become guilty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself positively within my Escapism and separation when and as I am within this guilt.  Instead of facing the guilt, I flee from it and within this, perpetuate consequences.

Next up: Self-Commitment Statements for my Journey To Life Review - Day 1 processes.

Day 95: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 8

Here I will be walking the Imagination of my Just A Kid Character.
For additional writings, self-forgiveness, and realizations of myself within this character, see:
Day 94: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 7
Day 93: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 6
and Day 92: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 5

Problem: In my imagination I see that see myself as very tiny - my partner and I have defined this as 'being small' where I experience myself as vulnerable, having little-to-no-voice and wanting to hide.  Within my imagination of myself being this way, I require a significant amount of nurturing because as I see myself as I imagined myself as a child, as Just A Kid, I will act this out.

An additional layer of my imagination with being Just A Kid is seeing myself as carefree, being able to play when I want to play, being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it because it is fun, and having moments where I just don't worry about anything.  From the memories that I created this imagination with, I will attempt to 'go back there' when I get overwhelmed.

Solution: Self-Forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitment for my imaginations within and as my Just a Kid Character.  Here I will be sharing my self-forgiveness and then self-corrections and self-commitments will be shown soon in following blogs.

Reward: Because I have become equal-to my Just A Kid imaginations with self-honest self-forgiveness, I will see my imaginations when/as I am attempting to activate my Just a Kid character, I will not react, and I will direct myself within my self-corrections and self-commitments to myself.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself as small, vulnerable, having no voice, and wanting to hide behind/within the comfort of another that will protect, save, soothe, and/or comfort me when and as I am faced with a situation or event in which I experience myself as afraid or overwhelmed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my voice and my physical expression to that of a small child when and as I activate my Just A Kid character - my voice becomes small and whiny, I curl myself into myself, and I seek out the comfort and warmth of another that is bigger than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed 'being small' to exist within and as me.  Instead of standing up, writing out the points that I am facing in a moment, prioritizing myself to complete tasks and/or clear myself of what I am experiencing as a burden that I 'do not want to do', and pushing through until I've reached a completion that I am satisfied with, I gave my power up because I told myself that I was 'not strong enough' or that I did not have the knowledge/tools/experience within a specific point to get me through.  And this is not true - this is simply me taking the bait of my thoughts and reacting because I see that it is easier in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I could go back and be who I was when I was a child - before I was required to do things 'on my own' without another to do them for me.  Because I accept and allow this imagination of myself which is a positive, feel-good memory of myself as a reaction to when and as I'm experiencing myself negatively and looking for a way out - I give myself permission to be Just A Kid - the kid that I imagined myself being that 'did not have to worry about this stuff'.  And as Just A Kid, I will find something fun to do and tell myself that I don't have to deal with it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I accept and allow the imagination of myself as being Just A Kid with the attached positive energy that I will try to become that - because it feels good.  And when I take the bait, I am both setting myself up for self-sabotage and living in the past and the future rather than here in the present.

The Consequence Dimension to follow.

Day 94: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 7

Posted on February 7, 2013

 

Here I am continuing with the Thought Dimension of my ‘Just A Kid’ Character writings on Day 93: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 6 and Day 92: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 5.

Thought Dimension
So – looking at the re-occurring thoughts that I will bait myself into the I Am Just A Kid character, I see:
“This is too much for me. WHY do I have to do this? WHY do I have to live through this?  Why must I make a decision? I am not equipped to deal with this.”  And from this point of fear and being overwhelmed, I will respond within/as/to myself, “Okay, okay, I don’t have to deal with this right now.  But I will – later.  Right now, I just really need to have some fun and not think about this.  If I forget about it, someone will remind me. Yes!  And if still can’t deal with this, someone else will deal with it for me – I never had to learn how to deal with this stuff … I’m just a kid and I’ll always be just a kid. Everyone knows that I’m not the most responsible person so they don’t expect much from me anyway …  I am okay with this!”

What is interesting here is that my actual living does not show this as Who I Am.  What has happened, in-fact, is that I am responsible for large groups of individuals – this is how I am living.  Which is the complete polar opposite of what I tell myself that I Am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bait myself with re-occurring thoughts into and as my Just A Kid character – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that these re-occurring thoughts indicate that I am activating a character/personality, I allow myself to follow myself into my mind with and as my thoughts and thus activate and become Just A Kid as it’s easier to do this rather than face myself, look at practical solutions for my situation, and then direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thoughts, “This is too much for me.  WHY do I have to do this? WHY do I have to live through this? Why must I make a decision? I am not equipped to deal with this,” to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught up in the problem that I am faced with rather than directing myself within/toward a practical, livable, down-to-earth solution.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that my reward for myself within this is my freedom and independence which is something that I have always wanted for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepting and allowed myself to create my Just A Kid character for myself so that I do not have to experience myself negatively within/as being overwhelmed and fearing because I am faced with a situation that I, as my mind, have not given myself the tools to sort out effectively.  So that I do not have to experience this sinking, boxed-in, and trapped-ness, I create an experience of myself for myself that is positive as the Just A Kid Character.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and imprint myself with the positive, uplifting thoughts of, “I’ll deal with this later – I’m going to go have some fun right now to take my mind off of this.  If I forget, I’ve got someone to remind me!  And if I ‘forget’ again, someone else will sort this out for me!”

LOL – I rarely forget anything.  However, I have created and played this character so perfectly that those that ‘remind’ me and sort my messes out for me, believe that I forget everything.  Even though, when asked to recount situations/events, I can do so right down to the minute details.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and experience guilt for manipulating and using tactics of deception to serve my self-interest and to maintain my control of others ‘doing things for me’.  Within this manipulation and deception, I did not see, realize, nor understand that allowing myself and others to define me as Just A Kid limited me – I have limited myself from being able to make clear, direct decisions and have compromised my integrity. This is my consequence for not standing equal to myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that how I have been living in my world – within my survival system – is in polarity conflict with how I have been living outside my system of survival.  When in system survival mode, I take responsibility for large groups of others – I enjoy this and I do this with ease. Outside of my survival system, I am Just A Kid and this takes some effort and does not come ‘natural’ which shows me that I am intentionally sabotaging myself and keeping myself trapped so that I do not face myself, realize myself, see anything real as myself, and thus never be free as Life.

Next, I will be walking my Imagination Dimension for my Just A Kid Character

Day 93: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 6

Posted on February 4, 2013

 

Here I am writing out my ‘Just A Kid’ Character  from writings on Day 92: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 5.

When I think about what it means to be ‘Just A Kid’, I see an image of a child that is happy, carefree, and has no responsibilities, obligations, nor commitments.  This is the kid that I wanted to be – which was an unrealistic expectation that I created early on in my life.  As and when I was into what is considered my ‘adult years’, I was angry, bitter, and remorseful that I did not have the care and worry free childhood that I had imagined for myself and so, when I was officially ‘an adult’ and could then make my own decisions, I decided that Just A Kid was how I was going to be.

Fear Dimension
I fear being an adult.  I fear losing the comfort and love from others who took care of me when I was a child because when when becomes and adult – that’s it, Game Over, you are now grown up and there will be no more childhood.  I have attached fear to the Words Commitment and Responsibility because if I were to welcome Commitment and Responsibility into my life it means that my childhood would be lost forever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach fear to being and adult.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being an adult because I tell myself that when I become an adult that I will lose comfort and love from those that take care of me, that I will lose my childhood forever, and that I am now on my own to make the important decisions in life with no one to blame but myself if I make mistakes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach fear to the Words Responsibility and Commitment because I have aligned these Words to mean that I am out on my own, I am alone, my carefree days are lost forever, any mistakes that I make could have huge consequences, that I must work until I am old and almost dead, and that imaginary-play-and-fun-time is over.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I have made my fears real for myself – the person that I fear becoming is precisely the person that I have become.  Instead of being self-honest with myself about this, I created the ‘Just A Kid’ character for myself to play-out in an attempt to not have to face myself.

Continuing with Thought Dimension in next entry.

Day 92: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 5

Posted on February 3, 2013

 

As I was reading over Parts 1 – 4 of my JTL Day 1 Review, I asked myself the question, “Where was it that I started telling myself that I am this person that does not make commitments?”

I remember when I was told that I was not responsible.  I remember this so clearly that I can still see myself, as a middle-schooler, struggling to write out the Words ‘Responsible and Responsibility ‘ for a writing assignment.  I remember that being told that I was not responsible really bothered me as this is not how I saw myself – the Word did not match up to the definition of myself that I had already accepted for myself at that time which was, ‘Just A Kid’.

So, I learned how to use this new Definition of myself as Irresponsible to my advantage and as such, I lived this Word out as per the world’s definition of the Word and would attach this principle of living to other living Words like, ‘Commitment’.   My world made this very easy for me to do because it’s generally accepted that one can be irresponsible and not live up to one’s commitment agreements.

In this world, we value individuality and free choice for one to be whatever is best for one’s own interests.  In my life I’ve seen us do unspeakable acts toward each other and it’s seen as ‘okay’ if it has been done with ‘good intentions’ or if a person is seen as a ‘good person’.

Having realized this, I can use my free choice to release myself from the memories that I’ve used to define myself and from here re-define myself as an individual that cares for myself and others by living responsibly and living my self-commitments.

The reward for myself within this is that I will no longer have to look outside of myself for confirmation that I’m doing okay and that I’m a good person.  I will take a great deal of pressure off of myself and no longer require myself to have to continually re-define myself to please or prove myself to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to integrate the Word Irresponsible into and as myself and my living because a source from outside of myself that I considered an authority over me told me that this is who and what I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought, “I Am Irresponsible,” to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out the definition of the Word Irresponsible as a response to myself listening to the thought, “I Am Irresponsible.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the Word and Meaning of the Word Responsible to the Words, “I Do Not Make Commitments – I Am Not A Committed Person – I Avoid Commitments – I Have Others That Take Care of My Commitments For Me”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative judgement of myself within and as my living as Irresponsible and Non-Committed.  I tell myself that a person that lives in this way is a ‘bad person’ that does not deserve the life that they have been given – so, bringing this judgement back to myself, I am telling myself that I am a bad person that does not deserve the life that I have been given.  Within this judgement of myself that I have attempted to separate myself from, I do not give myself the opportunity to see a mistake that I have made nor the opportunity to release myself from the obsessive/possessive thoughts, memories, and reactions to a mistake that I have made.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself turn the negative about myself that I do not want to experience into a positive where I use that which I see as negative about me to get a positive result that is in my best interest.  Instead of changing myself so that I no longer am that which I see as not acceptable, I abdicate myself.  This is easy when in a moment where I am desiring to not have a negative experience of myself – however, within this, I do not see the long-term effect/consequence of me avoiding, justifying, and abdicating myself is that because I have given the power to make responsible decisions and commitments to another, I place myself at the will of another to to tell me who I am, what I am, what’s important, and what I stand for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine what an Irresponsible Person That Does Not Make Commitments acts, lives-out, and speaks as to make the playing of this character real and believable.  Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine the negative scenarios that I can encounter within which I can use this character to ‘get out of it’.  Time-and-time-again, when I have not been actually able to escape from the negative consequences of my actions by using this character, I have a temper-tantrum and blame everything and everyone outside of myself until someone steps in and takes responsibility for my commitments and/or cleans up the mess from my not taking responsibility for my commitments.  Instead of standing up and taking care of my mistakes, I expect others to do this for me as this is how I imagined it would be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically express myself as an Irresponsible Person That Does Not Make Commitments by making myself appear to be submissive to those that claim to have the ability to fix my mistakes – I show myself as vulnerable and helpless to this big-scarey-world by demonstrating insecurity, naivety, innocence, confusion, and mentally-emotionally unable/disabled/unstable.