Day 172: Procrastination & Laziness

 

The acts of procrastination and laziness are behaviors that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as for as long as I can remember. When moments come up within my day that I can do chores, take care of a responsibility, work on an assignment, work on a project, and/or do something that requires actual physical application, I say, “I'll do it later”, “I will get to that at a better time”, “I have plenty of time to get this done” or “This can wait, I'd rather be doing something else right now”. Instead of getting done what I can get done in the moment, I decide to lounge on the furniture, play simple games, or pace around the house in waiting and wanting for something interesting to happen. The result of this procrastination and laziness is that my chores, my responsibilities, my assignments, and my projects accumulate and as they accumulate more-and-more-and-more, I experience being overwhelmed, tell myself that what's accumulated is 'too much', it is 'too late', and I give up on some things - especially the projects and tasks that will now take a lot of time and physical labor to get done. When it gets to this point of where it's 'too much' or 'too late' and become overwhelmed, I will go into a depression because I see that there is no hope, no point, and that nothing I can do will make any difference. I would like to be a person that gets things done, that is self-disciplined, and self-willed - which causes conflict within me because who I am and how I am accepting and allowing myself to live are not at all aligned with a self-motivated person that actually lives a life here - to the contrary, I have trapped myself with complacency, lethargy, and waiting around for something more which is not living here but instead in my mind with the past moments that I told myself I'd do later and imagined future-projections where I see myself in my mind with everything done and comfortable with myself and my external environment.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the acts of procrastination and laziness for as long as I can remember - I have seen in my external world many examples of those that are self-disciplined, self-willed, self-motivated and get things done and in my imagination I see how it is possible for me to be this way and yet, I have not physically moved myself to create and be this for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say, “I'll do it later,” “I will get to this at a better time,” “I have plenty of time to get this done,” or “This can wait ... I'd rather be doing something else right now,” when and as moments come up within my day that I can do chores, take care of responsibilities, work on an assignment and/or do something that requires actual physical application and movement. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lounge on the furniture, play games, and/or pace around the house instead of physically moving myself to get things done - I wait around for these things to get done or for a later date when I could get help from a source outside of myself and while I'm waiting, I entertain myself because I am bored while waiting. This makes no sense! Why do I deliberately place myself into situation where I will become bored - Especially when there are so many opportunities to NOT be bored, be productive, and be a contributing member to my family, to those that I work with, and society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my chores, my responsibilities, my assignments, and my projects to accumulate. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and thus experience that the accumulation is 'too much' or 'too late' and then allow myself to give up only because what now needs to be done will require more physical movement than if I had moved myself in the moment to work on and/or get these things done. Here, instead of seeing that this too-muchness and too-lateness is a reaction to a mind-projection where in my mind I take a small point and blow it up into something HUGE - I do not see it for what it is and push myself to move and no longer be mind-controlled, I believe what I am seeing and telling myself within and as my mind. In that moment where I could move myself, I make it quite easy for myself to move away, ignore, and hide from what is required to get done - I mean, if the thought comes up that I 'don't have to do it right now', it makes it REAL right? Obviously NOT given the state of the accumulation that I'm looking at and sorting through. It is interesting how I have never questioned my mind and will believe my mind over and above what I am seeing in actual physical reality - and if I am in agreement with my mind because I am showing myself, as my mind, what I would like to see - what does that tell me about who/what I am?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a mind and physical state of depression after I have told myself time-and-time-again 'it's too much' or 'too late' and have allowed myself to become overwhelmed by accumulation for an extended period of time. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for, access, pull-up, and have an inner-dialogue with myself of, “There is no hope, no point, and there's nothing I can do that will make a difference ...” as an excuse/reason/response that explains to myself why I am not moving myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to apply myself - in any way - to become the self-disciplined and self-willed person that I would like to be. Instead, I allowed myself to go into complacency, lethargy, and waiting around for something more - for something to happen in some sort of future-self-projection that would change me to want to and/or suddenly become self-willed and self-disciplined.

Day 171: Is Appearance Everything?

Here continuing with self-correction and self-commitment statements from self-forgiveness on Day 170: Appearance Is Everything.

SELF-CORRECTION AND SELF-COMMITMENT STATEMENTS

When and as I see myself becoming possessed/obsessed with/by physical beauty, as indicated by me going into the ways that I can make myself appear beautiful/pretty/attractive/sexy to others in order to have an easier life and/or get something I want from others, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am participating in this Beauty possession/obsession from a point of desiring positive experiences and controlling/manipulating others to get these experiences - and I allow this participation because in my mind as thoughts, imaginations, beliefs, and ideas, I show myself that my life will be easier and I will get the things that I want if I am beautiful/pretty/attractive/sexy - which, requires much less effort than actually applying myself to develop skills, educate myself, and expand myself so that I am able to create a life for myself and by myself that I am satisfied with.

I commit myself to stop going into thoughts, imaginations, and possessions/obsessions with beauty and physical attractiveness by when and as the thoughts and/or imaginations come up in regards to beauty/physical-attractiveness, to make the decision to not participate - and I remind myself that I have been in these thoughts over-and-over-and-over again - it always begins and ends the same with me desiring a specific outcome, me showing myself how I can get this outcome via my physical appearance, and me acting it out in physical reality with real physical consequences. Within this, I commit myself to: instead of going into the ways that I can change/improve my appearance to improve my living, I look at the ways in which I can improve upon and change myself via education, learning new skills, and self-awareness - and to stop limiting myself. I also commit myself to look deeper into why I desire to control and manipulate others by when and as the points come up in-relation to how I can get others to do 'what I want' and/or how I see and/or would like things to work out as per my mind-fantasy, I breathe, slow myself down, observe my thought-process that got me to this point.

When and as I see that I am allowing myself to go into the belief that if I am beautiful, as per my mind's definition of physical beauty, that my life will be easier, that I will not have to worry about others judging me nor speaking negatively about me, that there will be more opportunities for me, and that I will 'fit in' better, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am seeing how I am/have been allowing my programming to direct me and that I am communicating to myself about how I judge myself, limit myself, and attempt to force my physical body to align with my mind definitions/pictures/ideas/imaginations/expectations of physical beauty - and I do this from a point of fear - fear of getting to know myself and express myself.

I commit myself to stop going into my beliefs about beauty and how it will benefit me if/when/as I allow my programming to direct me to align myself to my mind definitions/pictures/ideas/imaginations/expectations of physical beauty. First, I remind myself that it's physically impossible to shape my body as per my mind's definitions/pictures/ideas/imaginations/expectations - I have tried and tried and tried and this has compromised me and my physical body. Next I use the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction for the Fears in relation to myself that are coming up. And finally, I allow myself the opportunity to get to know me - as me - instead of me as an image that I am attempting to project.

When and as I see that I am seeking out positive energetic experience via Beauty and/or fleeing from negative energetic experiences via 'Ugly' as indicated by me going into looking at ways that I can be more physically attractive to others and attempting to hide/mask/suppress/alter what I see about myself that is/may be unattractive to others, I stop and breath. I realize that I am limiting myself when and as I participate in these behaviors, patterns and polarities. I additionally realize that I am not standing and directing myself to create an admirable life for myself by paying attention to myself, accepting myself, respecting myself, and caring for myself.

I commit myself to stop seeking out positive energetic experiences of attention, admiration, acceptance, respect, and love from others and within this, stop attempting to make myself more physically attractive to others - and I commit myself to stop fleeing from the fear of having a negative experience of disregard, being ignored, being loathed, being bullied and/or being 'cast-out' by others. Instead of entering into negative and positive polarities and allowing myself to be directed by my mind in response to my wants, desires, fears, beliefs, and ideas, I allow myself to trust myself to direct myself in an admirable way - as what is best - and within this, trust my ability to pay attention to myself, accept myself, respect myself, and care for myself.

Day 170: Appearance Is Everything

I see physical Beauty as something that is required for myself to possess so that I can have an easier existence and get what I want from others. I have come to believe that if I am beautiful as per my mind's definition of physical beauty that my life will be easier because I will no longer worry about being judged by others, about others speaking negatively about my physical appearance, that there will be more opportunities for me in this world, that I will fit in better, and that I will not have to work as hard to make friends with others. During my time here on earth, I have seen and experienced the difference between being seen as 'ugly' and being seen as 'beautiful' where being seen as 'ugly', I have been disregarded, ignored, loathed, bullied and being a 'cast-out' - and on the opposite polarity, when I am seen as beautiful, I receive attention, admiration, acceptance, respect, and Love - all of the things that I want from others because I have not given these things to myself. In addition, I see that I have also connected Beauty to Survival where the more beautiful I can project myself as being, the more money I can make and/or get from others. Within this, it is interesting that I have not questioned why I chose an industry to work in where 'appearance is everything' and how my income is dependent on others impressions of me and whether or not I provided a positive experience within my ability to assess and/or anticipate an individuals wants, needs, and desires.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see physical beauty as something that is required for myself to possess because I believe that if I am seen as beautiful and/or physically attractive that my existence here will be easier and I think that I will get 'what I want' from others. Within this, I have NOT seen how in my desire to possess physical beauty that I have allowed myself to become obsessed and possessed-by beauty and the desire to be beautiful/attractive - in-fact, I think about it constantly and continuously. Further, when and as I do not experience an 'easier' life and/or I do not get what I want from others, I blame it on my physical appearance as: I am not pretty/sexy/beautiful/attractive enough. I do not consider the things that I can actually change about myself to assist with my life to be easier - like skills, education, and self-awareness. And I do not ask myself why I want to control others and manipulate as to 'get what I want' from them - and why I have come to accept the belief that being beautiful/physically-attractive assists with controlling and manipulating others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am beautiful, as per my mind's definition of physical beauty, that my life will be easier because I will no longer have to worry about others judging me or saying about me in a negative way. I tell myself that there will be more opportunities for me in this world if others see me positively, that I will 'fit in' better and that I will not have to work as hard to make friends with others. Here, I have completely disregarded my self-communication - it is actually me that is submitting to my own mind definition/picture/idea of physical beauty: It is me judging myself. It is me speaking about myself in a negative way. It is me limiting myself and not allowing myself to explore opportunities for myself within the world. It is me enforcing myself as my mind onto my body in an attempt to make my physical body 'fit in' to my definition/picture/idea of beauty. And it's me not wanting to actually get to know myself nor anyone else in the external world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect positive and negative energetic experiences in the past to Ugly and Beauty. I have connected being disregarded, ignored, loathed, bullied, and being an out-cast to 'Ugly' with a negative energetic charge and I have connected attention, admiration, acceptance, respect and Love to 'Beauty' as a positive energetic charge. Because I have not given myself attention, admiration, acceptance, respect, and love, I look to others to give this to me - it is a weakness that I use against myself as to ensure that I will not stand and that I will keep myself locked into a pattern of fleeing from a negative energetic experience and seeking out a positive energetic experience. If I were to develop and stand within/as/for points of self-attention, self-admiration, self-acceptance, self-respect, and self-love, I would not flee away from nor seek out these points because I would be equal and one with them.

Day 169: I Hope Things Get Better - Part 2

Here continuing with Self-Correction and Self-Commitment from Day 168: I Hope Things Get Better - Part 1.

When and as I see that I am going into Hope as indicated by me deliberately attempting to ignore, put-off, and wait-for the events and situations in my reality to ‘work themselves out’ in a positive way, I stop, breath, and do NOT go into a distraction. I realize that I must stand up, take responsibility for myself and my reality and move myself to make decisions for change, plan how to implement these decisions, and then physically do the work required to change the situation.

I commit myself to stop going into Hope and within this stop attempting to ignore, put-off, and wait-for the events and situations in my reality to ‘work themselves out’ by instead standing up, taking responsibility for myself and my reality and moving myself to make decisions for change, planning how to implement my decisions for change and then physically doing the work required that will actually change my situation.

When and as I see that I am not being the direct guiding principle of myself as indicated by me becoming overwhelmed with problems instead of going into solutions, I stop and breathe. I realize that this is how I begin the process of my self-sabotage and that if I go into this overwhelmed experience that I will then trigger my pattern of procrastination and justify my not standing with the statement, “there’s nothing I can do to change this at the moment,” where I wait and do nothing.

I commit myself to be the direct guiding principle of myself by not allowing myself to become overwhelmed when I see problems and stopping myself from saying, “there’s nothing I can do at the moment,” and stopping myself from procrastinating. Within this, I commit myself to go into the solutions creation process when and as I see problems.

When and as I see that I am deliberately attempting to ignore what I see are problems and/or overwhelming events as indicated by me distracting myself with other tasks, ‘forgetting’ about a problem, and/or telling myself that, “things will work out on their own if I leave them alone,” I stop and breathe. I realize that problems don’t work themselves out and that problems are actually potential solutions that require physical movement/force to be worked out. I realize that I have limited myself by allowing myself to believe that I am not capable of physically moving a problem to a solution and within this, taking the easy way out instead of facing my personal beliefs of insecurity and fear.

I commit myself to STOP my deliberate attempts at ignoring a problem and then trying to pass the problems off to others when I am unable to forget the problem and/or the problem doesn’t ‘work out on its own’ and continues to emerge by when and as I see problems, remind myself that problems are potential solutions that require physical movement and from here, push myself to be that force that moves the problem to a solution. Here, I show myself that I am able to realize solutions and within this, assist and support myself to see that how I have allowed my beliefs, insecurities, and fears have limited me.

When and as I see that I am not moving myself to assist and support myself to make changes, improvements, and/or preventative actions with the reason, justification, excuse, and/or belief that I have had miraculous experiences in the past where my life ‘suddenly gets better’ and so it’s ‘okay’ to Hope that it will happen again, I stop and breath. I realize that within Hope, I am looking and waiting for a positive energetic experience – I am addicted to and possessed with/by this tiny sliver of ‘goodness’. Not once have a stopped to question why I apparently need this positive energetic experience nor have a looked beyond placing my trust in Hope and investigated ways of making changes, improvements, and/or preventative actions so that I am no longer looking-for and waiting-for a positive sudden energetic fix.

I commit myself to stop looking for and waiting for something positive to happen – I commit myself to stop going into Hope by when and as points come up that require to be fixed, improved, and/or change, I physically move myself to fix, improve, and/or change these points.