Day 35: YOU, Sir ... are an asshole

I've been 'pointing fingers'. Blaming.  What I see as myself within this process of blame is myself not being honest with myself about my reactions.  When another outside of myself reacts to me, an other, an event, an environment, etc., I become physically uncomfortable - like, I'm stuck or in a survival situation that I cannot escape and within this, I panic and I allow my inner-dialogue to take over as such:

"I'm stuck with this person and this persons crap and I see NO way out.  Okay, breath.  Be present.  Do NOT let this person get you down.  I know what's right and what's wrong ... -I- am the one doing the work to stop my crap and so therefore, -I- am the one that's going to stop this person.  This jerk that's unwilling to take the time to do the work because they would rather sit around and play games/watch TV has no foot to stand on with me and thus they get no access to me as they cannot be trusted."  My physical defenses go up where I curl my shoulders toward my chest and use my shoulder as a 'block' while crossing an arm over my mid-section and holding on to my elbow.

Within this, I see that I have already established judgements of another based on what they are doing/saying or what they are not doing/saying and because I've allowed these judgements to accumulate within me via my inner-dialogue arguments with myself, I am ready to fight at any moment as I have already counter-attacked myself with 'Right's for every 'Wrong'.

This is where my 'YOU Sir ... Are An Asshole ..." Character can come into play. I like using this character because it is an effective mind-job.  My physical expression of this character is myself relaxing my body and taking my shoulders from a defensive position to a confident position where I roll my shoulders back.  I elongate my neck, relax my eye-lids but keep my eyes steady with a 'twinkle' that I learned while participating in Positive Affirmations.  I smile ... ever-so-slightly and say, "You, sir (pause) are an asshole."  I get a 'charge' from the moment after I deliver the words as I WIN.  Silence.  Game over.  And not only am I 'safe', I have effectively diverted attention from myself/my reactions, placed blame, handed down judgement as an authority, and created a back-door for myself to exit the discussion with very little guilt because I have entertained.  And when I say/call-out someone as an 'asshole', there's also that moment of shock because I THINK this word of others/myself, fantasize about telling others they are an asshole and talk about others to others by saying they are an asshole but I rarely, actually, physically SAY it to an other that I think is a jerk.  It's a Trump Card.

Continuing with Self-Forgiveness in my next blog.

Day 34: Please Don't Leave Me - Part 2

Here I am continuing with Self-Commitment Statements from Self-Forgiveness within Day 33: Please Don't Leave Me.



I commit myself to no longer allow my 'Please Don't Leave Me' Character to take control and/or direct me within my walking and living.  I see, realize, and understand that when I fear loss, I will accept loss as me and become it within and as my living.

I commit myself to becoming equal to my thoughts where instead of participating with my thoughts and allowing my thoughts to direct me, possess, and mold who/what I am, I commit myself to establishing an equal partnership to my Memory-Picture-Thought Play-Out in my mind.

Art By Marlen Vargas Del Razo

I commit myself to no longer accept or allow myself to integrate within and as myself additional mannerisms, behaviors, expressions, and judgements as personalities/characters - instead, I commit myself to directing myself within an equal and one partnership with my mind to deconstruct my existing personalities/characters and to remove the personalities/characters that are abusive.  Within this process of investigation, deconstruction, and removal, I commit myself to not judge what I have accepted and allowed myself to be as I see how I am self-sabotaging myself by responding/reacting to my inner-dialogue and outer-expressions with conflicting statements of 'what I should be'.

I commit myself to writing out my Character Suits that I see myself changing into from moment-to-moment.

I commit myself to stop denying myself as my fears from myself.  I commit myself to embracing my fears and thus embracing myself.

I commit myself to stop suppressing and denying my past with judgements and within this, I commit myself to an equal partnership with my physical body where when I have a fear reaction, as indicated by physical pain, I direct and move myself immediately to clear myself with self-forgiveness and thus become clear.

 I commit myself to stop the experience of shame - I no longer accept and allow myself to shame myself into guilt, remorse, and regret.  It hurts, it sucks, and it's abusive.

I commit myself to the enjoyment of myself and the enjoyment of my discovery process - I now see, realize, and understand how very cool it is to get to know myself.

Day 33: Please Don't Leave Me

Please don't leave me - I can change for you.  I can be anything and anyone that you want.

It's a very cool thing to type out the statement above and to hear myself as I have existed as my mind, communicate with myself.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how I have allowed my 'Please Don't Leave Me' character to direct me throughout my entire life because of my fear of loss, being left alone without another that I've come to depend on, and/or being rejected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts where I tell myself that I am not good enough, do not have the right personality, that I am not pretty enough, or that I am lacking in some way as I am not enough because my wants/desires are not manifesting in a way that I had previously anticipated/expected.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn new behaviors, mannerisms, and expressions of myself that I see, within my mind, as being required to become 'enough'.  I have compromised my self, time-and-time again and I continue to participate in thoughts that to act on these thoughts would continue to compromise/sell-out myself, my process, and my Journey To Life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to clearly see nor understand the statement, "All humans want to change." When I heard this statement, I assumed that all humans want to change for the better - for the betterment of life but what I did not see or realize is that us humans, within and as our minds, want to change for a better self-interested experience of life.  Change is a natural, normal function of ourselves and at the same time, we fear change ... Within this realization, I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see myself within my fear of change - I change from moment to moment, I denied this, and so I did not see me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress/avoid memories of myself as a young child when/where I experienced being rejected for who I was.  Many adults threatened to leave me alone and told me that if I did not 'clean up my act' that they would abandon me, wish/threat/inflict physical harm/pain on me, leave me with people that did not love me where I would be 'worse off', take away/give away/break my toys, and/or isolate me.  I learned very quickly that adults eventually carry through on their threats at the point of which they have 'had enough' and thus, I would have to change who I was to be accepted, loved, and/or a part of their lives.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience shame for who I was before I started thinking/judging/changing and further, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to judge myself and experience shame for who I have been through the years and who I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express my shame of myself of not being enough or the 'right fit' by forcing my body into a state of depression where I hurt myself with judgements and conflicting positive and negative emotions, feelings, and memories to the point where I, as my body, weeps, moans, screams out, and cries.  Because the pain is disruptive to my daily living and not acceptable/desirable to those around me, I suppress the depression and adopt an 'I'm Cool - I Got This Under Control' Character, recall any other character in my arsenal of personalities that will 'carry me through', and/or evolve myself into a newer, better version of my self to act out.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that how I communicate my fear of loss to myself as, "Please don't leave me - I can change for you.  I can be anything and anyone that you want ..." is my mind and myself as how I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with/in, showing me how I function.  I have accepted and allowed myself to express and live-out my multi-dimensional pre-programming as separate parts/realities of myself.  It is when I stopped, observed, and investigated myself that I was able to see/hear myself and get a clearer understanding of my mind and my physical living connection.

Day 32: If -I- WERE you ...

Opinions.

I have opinions.  I have been forcing my opinions on others and thus, accepting and allowing myself to consider and/or internalize the opinions of others that I see, at times, as being forced on me.  I have formed my opinions from memories as stored experiences from the past.  I utilize this stored experiences as a way to understand others, correlate their experiences with my own experiences, and then establish points of judgement.  Further, I will also use opinions to manipulate myself, others, and events depending on what character I am playing and what the self-interests of my character are in any given moment.

Dictionary Definition of Opinion:

o·pin·ion

noun

1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.

2. a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.

3. the formal expression of a professional judgment: to ask for a second medical opinion.

4. Law . the formal statement by a judge or court of the reasoning and the principles of law used in reaching a decision of a case.

5. a judgment or estimate of a person or thing with respect to character, merit, etc.: to forfeit someone's good opinion.

Yes.  There it is: Judgement and A Personal View

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, or understand that my opinions are thoughts that I respond/react to with an inner and outer dialogue where I converse with myself and others about my experiences that I have stored within me as memories.  I have stored these memories inside my body and attached these memories to Positive, Neutral, and Negative experiences.  I have not allowed myself to observe myself searching through myself for experiences from which I can communicate my understanding of myself and others from a point of Judgement - further, I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself that this 'understanding' of myself and others as myself is not real as my 'Judgement Calls' are never 100% accurate and that I am essentially Playing Hit-Or-Miss as a Psychic where I am searching for confirmation until I AM RIGHT and when I find that point of Being Right, I then give/force my opinion.  I commit myself to delete the Positive, Neutral, and Negative Experiences that I have stored within my body and within that commitment, I commit myself to remove and thus no longer play The Psychic or The Judge Characters.

When and as I see myself beginning to make a relationship connection between other's experiences and my own experiences, I stop.  I realize that what I am in fact doing at that moment is preparing myself to make a judgement from which I can communicate an opinion.  I see and realize that I have found a point of fear - fear of loss of myself as a character that I am seeking out confirmation for as being REAL and RIGHT and within seeing and realizing this, I direct myself and commit myself to become equal to and thus delete these characters with Self-Forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, or be honest with myself that each and every one of us has lived different experiences separate from each other - because we have lived our lives separate from each other and not in 'each others shoes', we/I can not fully understand another human beings experiences.  I have not allowed myself to see how working to understand another by walking them in MY SHOES, is a waste of time - I participate in this behavior because it is a distraction for myself and it allows me to beLIEve that I am manifesting my self-interests.  I commit myself to place myself in OTHERS SHOES by listening to others and not interjecting nor interrupting with my judgmental thoughts and self-interested opinions.  I realize that thoughts and behaviors are going to surface within me as I communicate with others and within that realization, I commit myself to be aware of my reactions while I listen to others so that I am able to investigate my reactions when the moment of conversation/communication has ended.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act out my characters that are protecting my self interest.  When I am the 'I Am Right' Character, I cross my arms, narrow my eyes, and communicate with an impatience that demonstrates that I am 'trying to be patient with you to help you -- I am busy -- but I am setting this time aside for you so you better get this'. When I am The Psychic, I blur my vision and smile a 'knowing, cocky smile', I speak softly but directly as I give my opinion - I move my body in ways as to get the most attention and/or produce a hypnotic effect on the other that I am 'getting through to'.  When I am at the receiving end of an opinion, my physical acting depends on whether the others self-interest or character is stronger than mine: If the other character is stronger than me, I sigh, I fold my arms around me, I lower my eyes as if I am 'considering/internalizing' and I pretend to be be listening by locking my jaw and making steady-full-focused eye-contact periodically between 'considering' and nodding my head.  If the other character is weaker than my self-interests, I blow the other person 'off' - I roll my eyes, say 'whatever', and give a half-cocky smile and end with, "We'll see," in a patronizing tone of voice.  Within this realization that I am using these acts to hide what is that I am seeing but afraid to communicate, I commit myself to stopping the act.  When and as I begin to physically feel the fear inside of me during these moments, I breath my way through and I commit myself to be aware of the character but not participate with the character nor reacting as the character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become influenced by others opinions.  I have seen myself adopt others opinions as a means of survival where I tell myself that <this> worked for <that person> so I must make this my opinion as well so that I can be happy, satisfied, and as a double-bonus, the person that gave me their opinion will respect and love me if I can 'pull it off'.  Further, when I adopt the opinions of others, internalize the opinion, and demonstrate that I understand and agree with the opinion, I do not have to face my fear of loss - I do not have to live through the pain of being doubted, looked 'down upon', and/or being rejected/replaced.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the opinions of others because I do not want the person who is giving me their opinion to have to live through the pain of being doubted, being seen as being stupid, or being rejected/replaced - it is here, also, that I will allow and/or manipulate another into believing that I am following/internalizing/walking/changing as per their opinion even though I am not.  I commit myself to no longer accept nor allow opinions - from myself or anyone else.  In fact, I commit myself to removing the word OPINION - I no longer accept nor allow myself to live out the pre-defined and pre-programmed meaning of the word Opinion as I see that to live out this meaning is not in the interest of life. When and as I see myself forming an opinion to share with another or see myself accepting/considering an opinion from another, I stop.  I see and realize that opinions are self-interested judgements and thus, I do not participate.  When and as I am faced with my judgements and self-interests as Opinion, I realize that I am hiding a fear and thus, I commit myself to be aware of the points that come up inside of me so that I can investigate the core source as fear.

Day 31: You're JUST Like ME - I Trust You.

Trust.

I see that I have been trusting others when they first come into my life.  There are some that I trust immediately and some that I do not trust at all.  Those that I trust immediately are those that I am able to connect with via communication where if we have the same interests, behaviors, and/or personalities, I see myself in them and thus place my trust in them.  Those that I do not trust immediately are those that I am not able to connect with via communication where I do not see that we have the same interests, behaviors, and/or personalities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust others who have not yet shown nor proven to me who they are and what they stand for.  I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that what I am seeing of a person that I have just met is that person reflecting back to me what they see as themselves in me - this is not who they really are.  Despite the fact that over-and-over-again, others interests, behaviors, and/or personalities have 'miraculously and suddenly changed' from who and what I thought these people were, I did not allow nor want myself to see that this interest/behavior/personality change follows a pattern and thus should have been predictable.  I commit myself to stop trusting others until they have shown and proven over an extensive amount of time, that they are who/what they are and who/what they are does not change.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that the reason that I have trusted others and not wanted to see the pattern is that I WANT to trust others.  In spite of the fact that there has never been a human in this world that I have been able to maintain trust with, I still continue to look for someone to trust.  And trust, demonstrated in this way is not real because even though I want to trust another, I am looking for reasons NOT to trust them during the entirety of our relationship.  So, within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught up in a polarity trap of trust where I drive myself to find another that I can trust while at the same time, I collect reasons why I cannot trust another so that I am not able, in fact, to trust another.  I commit myself to remove myself from the 'I-Want-This-But-I-Fear-This' Polarity Trap.  When and as I see myself within the 'I-Want-This-But-I-Fear-This' Polarity Trap, I stop.  I realize that fear is not real - fear is created by me and for me and thus is me.  I commit myself to self-forgiving my fears and becoming equal and one with my fears.

Within this, I forgive myself that I haven't accepted or allowed myself to see that my need, want, and desire to trust another is need, want, and desire to trust myself.  I fear myself and thus distrust myself.  I commit myself to remove my fear of myself as my fears as a step toward establishing trust with myself.

Day 30: Re-Defining Commitment - Part 5

Continued Self-Commitments from Day 26: Re-Defining Commitment - Part 1,

Day 27: Re-Defining Commitment - Part 2, Day 28: Re-Defining Commitment - Part 3, and Day 29: Re-Defining Commitment - Part 4.

I commit myself to stop the guilt as a reaction to seeing that there are others that require to be cared before that I have ignored or are unable to assist at this moment.  When and as I become guilty for what I have not and could have done, I stop. I realize that this moment is over.  I self-forgive myself for the experience of guilt that I have accepted and allowed and I move to the next moment.  I see, realize, and understand that to continue to allow myself to be/become guilty drains me and changes nothing.  My experience of guilt is my own creation.

I commit myself to no longer be a character that looks for validation, appreciation, nor Love outside of myself.  So, within this, I commit myself to establish a relationship with myself where I validate, am grateful, and loving of myself by removing the memories, thoughts, and reactions that I constantly and continuously abuse/beat myself up and/or beat myself down with so that I look outside of myself to 'feel better'.  I commit myself to remove myself from this polarity cycle and within this commitment, I commit myself to establish trust of/with/for myself.

I commit myself to removing my self-created fears - I made-up my fears to give depth, purpose, and protection to/for my characters which, in the end, I found the 'protection' was never real nor was the 'depth' - and the 'purpose' was a lie as my purpose changes with each character.

I commit myself to slowing myself down so that I can communicate specifically and effectively.  I have come to see and thus understand that when I slow down, communication is faster/less time-consuming.

I commit myself to stop functioning as a word-processing 'auto-corrector'. I commit myself to stop correcting others and/or speaking for others when communicating in written or spoken conversation.  I see, realize, and understand that all are equally responsible for our words within written and spoken conversation. We are all equally able.

I commit myself to continuing to remove and/or not make any new distractions within my life at the moment.  When and as I am able/ready to test my character removal - I will consider re-introducing myself into specific environments that may bring out the character(s) that I am removing to test my effectiveness within Character Removal - I will see.

I commit myself to stop 'trying' - I commit myself to replace my 'trying' with ACTUAL DOING.  Within this, I commit myself to remove the words, 'I'm trying' from my written words, spoken words, and inner-dialogues.

I commit myself to walking within my seeing, realizing, and understanding that I only can 'determine' or decide when I fail and only I can decide to allow myself to react to what I am seeing as my 'being-at-fault' by 'falling'.  Within walking this, I commit myself to be aware that when I react with the fear of loss of myself as a Character that I 'thought I was' within any given scenario/environment, that this a flag-point for me to investigate within/without/as/of/from myself.

I commit myself to stop making up excuses and justifications for commitments that I have made that I do not want/desire to follow through with. When and as I over-extend myself within commitments that I have made, I commit myself to investigate and thus be self-honest with myself as to what I can or cannot physically do/not do and direct myself from that point.

I commit myself to no longer accept nor allow myself to accept pity, whining, bitching, or complaining from myself and others.  And within this commitment, I commit myself to investigate each point of pity, whining, bitching, and/or complaining that comes up within/without of myself.

I commit myself to stop the Manipulation Game that I play with others and within that, I commit myself to remove the strategic manipulation tactics that I create as thoughts in response to my fear of loss or fear that I won't get what I want, desire, or need.

I commit myself to taking back my power by taking responsibility for myself, removing my relationship creations, and building self-trust.

I commit myself to removing my Polarity Points/Buttons/Traps so that I am able to have the opportunity to give, receive, and enjoy life.

I commit myself to stop suppressing my  thoughts, feelings, emotions, and memories - within this, I commit myself to stand up, face, and become equal to my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and memories that I have been suppressing as a fear response to my not wanting to 'go back' to 'who I was' or 'what I was'.

I commit myself to grounding myself within my reality where I see there are NO superheros, NO superpowers, and there is NOTHING SUPERNATURAL. I commit myself to understanding the REAL NATURE of this existence - when and as I see myself as 'hopeful', 'inspired', and imagining possibilities of myself being enlightened, super, or of physical/mental/spiritual powerful, I stop.  I realize that this does not exist in my current reality and the fact of matter is that NOT ONE PERSON can bring about a world that's best for all and that for one of us to be a superhero, we must ALL be superheros. Until that day comes, I commit myself to working with what is here.

Day 29: Re-Defining Commitment - Part 4

Self-Commitment Statements and Self-Correction for Re-Defining Commitment - Parts 1-3

When and as I see myself avoiding commitments as a fear reaction to thoughts that I have allowed myself to participate with, I stop.  I commit myself to removing thoughts that I can react to in fear with writing and self-forgiveness.  Within this, I commit myself to walking through not only my conscious mind as my thoughts but also my subconscious mind as my internal-back-chat-conversations/reactions and my unconscious mind as my physical behavior.

I commit myself to no longer making-up/creating excuses for myself not taking responsibility for myself.  Within this, I commit myself to removing/deleting the characters that I have created within/for myself to hide behind, blame, become distracted within/as, and abdicate my responsibilities to.

By Matti Destonian Freeman

I commit myself to stop my reactions to words by investigating words that I'm reacting to with fear/tiredness as resistance by clearing myself from the polarity relationships that I have created, accepted and allowed to/with words with Self-Forgiveness, creative writing, and giving myself a re-definition of words that have no polarity that I can live with/as/for eternally.

I commit myself to being present within myself so that I am able to clear/stop my back-chat responses and internal conversations with Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction.

I commit myself to pop/remove my Self-Interest bubbles by looking at myself and my decisions/choices self-honestly where I stop myself from moving myself in directions that are in my best interest only and consider the consequences of the Self-Interest that I had wanted/desired.  From here, I commit myself to act/direct/move myself within/as decisions that are in the best interest of all that could be effected.  I commit myself to be/become a caring human for myself and others where I place myself as equal to myself and others by 'walking in our shoes'.

When and as I see myself as seeing myself as better off or worse off than others, I stop this value judgement that I have created for/as Myself as Money.  I commit myself to remove my judgements of myself and others as Money Value.  Further, I commit myself to removing myself from this Polarity Cycle of Better-Worse as it is clear that existing in this Polarity Relationship, as all Polarity Relationships, supports my Mind only and not all of me as equal.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to give myself over to my mind as I write, Self-Forgive, and Self-Correct, so, when and as I am writing and self-forgiving, I direct myself to stay on point, disciplined, and structured.  Within this, I commit myself to direct myself to go back through the Self-Forgiveness structure that has been given as well as to listen to Self-Awareness Steps for The Elite again and take notes.

Continued in next blog.

Day 28: Re-Defining Commitment - Part 3

This writing is a continuation of Day 27: Re-Defining Commitment - Part 2.
 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see within myself as my mind negative meanings and messed up pictures of others outside of myself as 'commitment' and/or 'being committed'. I see that within myself as my mind that 'committing' oneself or 'being committed' does not only mean 'to apply oneself within responsibility and dedication', it also means to place oneself or to be placed by oneself against one's will into a mental facility and/or a rehab center where one loses all of their 'rights' and responsibilities to/for their life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word 'commitment' because I live in fear of it happening to me because within myself as my mind, I see this as a real possibility in my life because I have seen, witnessed and heard accounts of threatening from those that I am close with to have others that they care for 'committed' so that they could get control of the committed persons finances and life decisions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate/connect/attach/and create a relationship between/of/with the word 'commitment' to images of another threatening to 'have <Name>' committed if <Name> does not get themselves together'. I have not seen how this image has been burned into me as myself as my memory within and as my mind, because this statement was repeated over-and-over again - after the event is over, the repeat continues when/as <Name> is mentioned in conversation where the repeat flows as, “... <Name> ... Did I ever tell you that I threatened to have <Name> committed?”, “I almost had <Name> committed.”, “<Name> hasn't talked to me since I threatened to have them committed <part shameful laughter>.”, “<Name> really should have been committed, you know. I -know- that <Name> was on drugs and they probably have AIDS too -- they looked just awful.”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I not only allowed myself to absorb this information but I also deepened and/or imbedded it further within and as myself as fear because in this specific event above with <Name>, <Name> had done a lot for the people I care for - financially and as someone that we could 'count on' to assist us and provide us with means from which to support ourselves (mostly with interest, lol). Within myself as my mind, I solidified my fear of the word 'commitment' with/within/as my fear because within myself I tell/told myself that “if it can happen to <Name>, it can happen to me.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and/or manipulate myself within as myself as my mind a relationship of fear to another where and when I see this person in my physical world and my memories of a picture of this person within and as my mind of them sitting at a computer in boredom, plotting, pushing, and manipulating their way into others lives as a means to gain control and/or power over another - that this person could in fact, gain control and/or power over me at any time that this person desires and/or sees within themselves that I require to be committed and thus controlled if I 'mess up'. Further, this person has demonstrated that they will repeat over-and-over-again, with a sly Ego smile, what they did, their justifications/reasoning for what they did, and how they did it within their mastery of the system to anyone that is present, listening and/or obligated to listen as if to say, “Look at the power over others that I have,” and then reasoning with words that indicated they are/have doing/done what was required for anothers, “Best interest.”

From here, I direct my Self-Forgiveness statements from a point of structure and the realizations of myself via the support of the Journey To Life Blogs, group and one-on-one chats, and Eqafe Interviews.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that my acceptance and allowance of myself as being controlled and/or under the power of someone or something indicates that I have already given up my control and that I have already given over my power because if this did not exist within me, I would not allow it. So, as I see this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of blame and fear with another instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that this was simply myself communicating to myself that I am not the director of myself in my life - I live in a state of blame where I 'beat myself up' with judgment and thus fear because I cannot trust myself to not abuse myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I have assigned conflicted meanings to words from which to contain myself from being a living expression of my words. I have not seen how this is another layer/dimension of my self-entrapment that has been directly reflected back to me in the way that I move from one thought to a conflicting thought in my mind which I observe gets me no where and changes nothing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that it will be impossible to determine what it is that I in-fact want/need/require for myself to care for myself for who I am as life if I do not remove the polarity from my thoughts, words, and actions because if I do not, I will remain in a constant Tug-of-War with myself. I have not seen that I must be vigilant and be the director of my life at all times as it is self-sabotage to give in and sell myself out to the pictures that I desire to have within my mind and my world for a moment of energetic-experience-high which does not last and leaves me empty - High and Dry.

Commitment.

Art By Andrew Gable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ACCEPT and LIVE-OUT a pre-defined, pre-determined conflict within/of/as the word Commitment where: If I think, live, and communicate Commitment Positively as an Agreement with another to stay Together which we accomplish via Working with each other toward a common goal of Service as what's important to each other by establishing effective Communications and Actions that we can have a Positive Result and thus attain Peacefulness, Tranquility, and Silence within. And/or if I think, live, and communicate Commitment Negatively as Neglect, Failure, and/or Non-Completion of my positively defined understanding of Commitment as how I -should- be living Commitment via Comparing and Judging, I will force myself into a position of Slavery to another as I see myself as unworthy until I reach a point of neutrality within myself where I tell myself that I do not care thus creating a median between myself and another which I justify through back-chat as them using, abusing, and/or taking advantage of my 'good nature' from which I begin the process of Separation in my mind and then my physical life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become controlled and/or caught in my cycle of Commitment polarity conflict where when I am at the point of final mental and physical separation as divorce or 'moving on' without the other that I have made a commitment with, that I will allow myself to go back into a Positive Commitment after a high-energy competition fight with the other as a result of either winning or losing where: If I win, the other has agreed to change or I think my way into 'feeling bad' for hurting the other and thus give them 'another chance'. OR, if I lose, I become disappointed and angry with myself for letting the other down/not living up to their expectations and thus work on creating and changing into a Positive Commitment Personality that I see the other as needing to be happy. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how I have been existing within/as this cycle - nor have I allowed myself to realize and be honest with myself that I perpetuate my Positive and Negative meaning/definition of Commitment by an under-lying acceptance and allowance of fearing to lose my high-energy experiences as my partner and I think, live, and communicate pre-defined postive meanings of Commitment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see, realize, and understand that by bringing my pre-defined meanings of Commitment into a relationship with another instead of into a relationship with myself that I have not allowed myself to place this point into a position of/from WHERE I can see WHAT I am doing to/within myself and HOW I continue to sabotage myself within my living expression of Commitment as an additional layer of control/containment/enslavement of myself via separation on ALL levels/dimensions of/within which I participate.

Messy. Messy. Messy.

Bernard repeated the same on chat the other day. He nailed it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire my positive meaning of Commitment as I experience an energetic high and because of my desire for this high, I have not accepted nor allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I have sold myself out as I must also accept and allow the negative meaning of Commitment in which I become empty and looking for my next high. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become/be and live as a mind-controlled and physically-controlled Commitment Addict as a consequence of myself separating myself from the equation rather than placing myself as Self-Controlled, Self-Will, present, and countable.

An addict will always be without ... Another point nailed by Bernard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react time and time again to the word Commitment where I would become physically uncomfortable, have movements within me, and/or have a fear rush. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a word to push my polarity buttons of hope and fear rather than stop and realize that my life does not have to be this way - that I do not have to be a pre-programmed robot that responds to words as commands.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life as a programmed robot without question and/or allowed/forced myself to suppress questions because those that were here before me made certain to establish themselves as the Authority of me by using bullying and abuse until I gave up and gave in.

During a chat with Maya H., she brought up a cool perspective that I have kept with me for the last few weeks of this process: Commit - Come Meet. Come meet yourself as who you are.

When I consider this, I experience a fear reaction in response to meeting myself as who I am seeing the 'who I am' as an unknown and thus scarey variable. Yet, YET within the next thought, I become hopeful and positive that 'who I am' could be someone awesome, amazing, and more that I am now -- dude, I could be a super-hero-human as the light at the end of this tunnel!

After seeing this, I see that additional self-forgiveness is required.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I am as indicated by my pre-programmed physical fear fight-or-flight response because WHO I AM in the past and at the moment, is/has been seen by myself and others as a threat to our collective survival where if I do not act or live in a specific, acceptable way in which I have been taught, then I am a danger and not worthy to be in the presence of others. And within seeing myself and/or being seen as a danger, there is a potential or possibility for myself to be punished where my punishment is a loss of others as an answer/consequence of/as the question, “If others do not like me, end up hating me, or do not 'feel comfortable' around me, what will become of me and how do I survive without them if they all gang up, unite together within their distrust/hate/discontentment and all leave me?”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress, interfere, and to block myself from myself by using shame, regret, and sadness against myself so that I do not see, realize, nor understand from where in my life that this fear of loss as punishment comes from. When I consider who I am, I go back to when I was a child because I see this as a point of reference to assist myself in understanding/seeing who I started as before I gave up, gave in, and gave myself over to bullies as peers and authoritarians as those who have been here longer than myself. I do not and have not wanted to see who I was before and/or during my programming because I judge who I was and what I've done as evil, wrong, messed-up, unacceptable and weird from the outside of myself through and as others eyes which then take back into myself and hurt my self and my body with deep pain in response to becoming ashamed and/or embarrassed. This suppression/trying to make myself forget is dishonest because I am telling myself that this is 'not who I am anymore' so I can 'move on' yet I continue to bring up these shameful and embarrassing memories of myself as who I was to test my Acceptable-Popular-Charismatic-Attractive Personality and to keep myself 'in-check' so that I do not consider EVER going back there. I have not seen how I have been using specific memories and physical pain to keep me in fear so that I never see, realize, nor understand myself nor realize any possible indicators of WHO I AM from WHAT I WAS.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope that who I am at the end of the tunnel is super-hero version of myself where I participate with my Ego. As I participate with my Ego, I am inspired by the possibility of being/becoming more than human where what I am seeing as 'more than human' is a human that can defy the laws of the reality that is here by being invincible, protected by a divine/authority force of goodness because one is SO PERFECT, able to stop aging, mold and shape the body at will where I could say, “I want to be <this> today!” and it's done, travel forward, through, and backwards through time and dimensions, re-locate my physical body from one point to another by simply /thinking/ about a point, and a bunch of other things that have no practical reality at all. I have not allowed myself see, realize and understand that these fantasies are CLEARLY my mind's desires as they are a reflection of how my mind moves. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting these thoughts and thus accepting and allowing for the possibility of myself to be/become a mundane, bored, depressed, empty, and miserable human that does not make process and thus could be screwed for eternity.

New Definition of the Word Commitment

When I say, 'I commit', I am saying 'I agree to live as this' where I am prepared to take on the consequence of NOT living as my agreed upon words. So, when I commit, I must be 100% certain that I can live up to my words.

Commitment = The action of taking responsibility for one's written and spoken words that one has agreed to live and apply themselves to.

If I were to explain to my 4 year old son what 'Commitment' is, I would say, “Commitment is DOING what you say you are going to do.”

Day 27: Re-Defining Commitment - Part 2

This writing is a continuation of Day 26: Re-Defining Commitment - Part 1.

Here I am sharing Self-Forgiveness for the word Commitment.  As mentioned in the previous post, this has taken some time for me to walk. Also, within this I have required a great deal of support from my Desteni I Process buddy, the Desteni group, and the Journey To Life blogs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid any types of commitment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say, as my living word, to myself and others: I generally avoid any types of commitment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a personality as myself that allows me to avoid and abdicate any commitments via my observations and studies of others reactions and what 'works' in this world as it exists. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an acceptable form of transportation for myself within this personality from within which I can make a clear get-away from commitments and responsibilities to myself, others outside of myself, and my world.

I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that I am pairing and supporting my definition of the word 'commitment' with the word 'responsibility'.

I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that I am placing the word 'commitment' equal to or following the word 'responsibility' and that by doing so, I am hiding my fear and reactions to the word 'responsibility' within my fear and reactions to the word 'commitment'. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid looking at the word 'responsibility' as equal to my avoidance of looking at the word 'commitment'.

I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that my avoidance of the words 'commitment' and 'responsibility', two words that must become myself as my living world within what is best for all, is my resistance to these words and my resistance to what 'could happen' as me, as my reality, as a result of taking on these words as me.

I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that my avoidance and resistance to the words 'commitment' and 'responsibility' is my allowance of myself as the mind to become fearful in response to seeing myself as living these words and thus living out the burden, self-sacrifice, tiredness, martyrdom, and burnt-out-ness of these words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct myself from within myself as my secret mind in response to the words 'commitment and responsibility' when I see and say within myself as my secret mind, “I do not want to become a fucking Mother Theresa. I want to be left alone, within my own little bubble. I do not want to stop my life, give up my life, nor give over my life to someone else outside of myself. I do not want to allow the leaches of the world, those that are helpless within their misfortune, to suck the life out of me and make me old before my time. I do not want to give any of myself to anyone outside of myself – I want all of myself to myself. I want all that is here for myself and myself only. I hate sharing what I have and I see that I have to shift into an alternate state of mind where I soothe myself within meditation and positive thoughts when faced with being required to share what I consider as mine. I see that by having others in my immediate world, by default, I am required to share what it is here and I do not like this. On the other side, I expect that you will share with me and give to me yourself and what you consider as yours, unconditionally.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want and desire to be left alone in my self-created bubble where I am not required to have to do anything that is not within my own self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see a picture of Mother Theresa in myself as my mind when I consider giving of myself and/or committing myself to other beings who are less fortunate than myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as being drained of life, wrinkled, and having nothing left for myself as myself if I am to give myself, unconditionally, to others less fortunate than myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the belief that I will be drained by others less fortunate than myself if I give of myself because beyond the picture of Mother Theresa that have placed as a protection point within myself as my mind, there is another picture of a child who has been in need and is now cared for because someone outside of him cared.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place the picture of Mother Theresa as wrinkled and drained as my starting point within seeing myself as a committed being so that I will fear, hide behind this fear, and not allow myself to see that within myself as my mind I see commitment as an act of caring for others outside of myself that are less fortunate then myself and in return gratitude and a 'look' of Love/adoration is expressed, in this case, from a child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my self-programmed fear of being wrinkled and drained of the color of life against myself so that I allow myself to become distracted in the moment, so that I do not consider what it is that I have created within myself beyond my point of fear, and what I am hiding within and as myself that I have kept secret from myself and others.

I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to look at when I type and/or write the words 'commitment' and 'responsibility' that 9 out of 10 times I will write these words 'wrong' – I see that I have been struggling with my writing the word 'responsibility' since I was in middle-school when I was writing about 'responsibility' and see/saw myself as trying to find myself within others statements to me that I am 'not responsible' and that I need to learn 'responsibility'. I see that my mis-spelling of this word for the past 30 years of my life, I have been indicating to myself as myself a point of resistance that I have been avoiding. I have totally been avoiding responsibility because I am scared of responsibility and the consequences of my failing with a responsibility (I am STILL using my auto-correcter – LOL).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on a program and/or other person outside of myself to correct my words, and thus myself, because I do not and have not allowed myself to slow down, look at my words, myself, how I am writing, what I am writing, how I am living and what I am living so that I can correct myself.

Responsibility. Resposnibility. Responsibility. Responsibility. Responsibility. Responsibility. Respons-ibil-ity. Responsibi-bil-ity. Responsibility. Responsibl-ity. Responsibliity. Responsibility. Responsibilty. Responsibilty. Respons. Responsi. Responsibility. Responsibility. Responsibilty. Respons-ability. Ability. Response-Ability. Response-Able.

(Turning off auto-correct)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go on auto-pilot when I am typing where I am not considering each word that I say as I write. On the other side, I see that there are times when I am going slow because I am afraid that I will 'miss' something in my writing because I am allowing myself to be distracted within writing and my fear of not communicating in what I have accepted and allowed as/in an 'acceptable way' of writing and/or communicating.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create polarity within myself as I write. I see that I have allowed myself to program myself within my relationship to writing as both 'good' and 'bad' so that I am able to become distracted and/or trapped within my self-created behavioral pattern/cycle/bubble and within that ability to trap myself, I have allowed myself to 'give in', 'give up', procrastinate, and/or not finish writing that I have started as I am allowing myself to not push through my resistances to writing and/or communicating.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I am also using myself as my fear of not being 'perfect' person, writer, mom, thinker, see-er, self-forgiver, self-corrector, self-realizer, and/or Destonian as a back door for myself from which to escape my commitment to writing every day. Within and as this realization of myself that I fear not being perfect within my application and commitment to life, I direct myself to open up and expose these fears, one-by-one, to myself, in continued writings.

responsible. responsiblity.

I forgive myself for accepting myself as requiring to be auto-corrected.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be auto-corrected within my fear that I will spell words wrong and that I will be judged by others outside of myself for not writing clearly and coherently. I see that this is my projection of myself onto others outside of myself as a consequence of my accepting and allowing myself to correct others and be corrected by others outside of myself within spelling, grammar, writings, and communications with words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'try' to become responsible.

I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that by telling myself that I am 'trying' to become responsible, that I am creating a back-door from myself where I am able to remove myself from the process of understanding what responsibility is by using the excuse 'I am trying'. I see that when I have said to others and myself as my mind within/as reaction, 'I am trying', myself and others outside of myself 'leave me alone' and so it is a proven effective way for avoiding, ignoring, or releasing my responsibilities and/or commitments to/for/as anything, including myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a back-door for myself from which I can fail myself within my self-realizations of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting the excuse of 'I'm trying' from/as others and myself as an acceptable form of justification for procrastination and/or abdication to not actually commit myself, expect commitment from others, and to see myself and others within the words of 'I'm trying' as absolved from responsibility and/or spoken living words of commitment to/for myself and others.

I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see, hear and be aware that when I speak the words, 'I'm trying' that I am saying, “I have been asked a question regarding my status and/or progress within a point of commitment, from within me or outside of me. I do not want to talk and/or have a discussion about this point within which I have committed myself to as I do not see myself as making progress, I am afraid of myself and others seeing myself as failure, or I do not have a stand and/or understanding of myself within/as that point. Because I do not want to push myself within this point, my response is 'I'm trying' in which I am indicating for myself and others to be aware that I most likely will fail within the point. Dialogue/discussion/conversation over. Now I go back to my regularly scheduled programming.”

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and be/become aware that when I say that 'I am trying' that I am also saying, “Iiiiiii'm tryyyyyyyying'. Waaaaaaaa. I am whining. Poor me, look at allllllllllll the things that I have to DO and BE for someone or something outside of myself. I am JUST SO overwhelmed! I NEVER get time for myself and just want to forget my commitments and responsibilities for a day so that I can I can retreat within myself, distract myself from my shitty life, and re-set.” When I say 'I am trying' within this whining and/or complaining to/as myself within/as my mind and to others, I see myself within myself as my mind as showing others 'how bad I've got it' and thus I/others will pity me. Within myself as seeing myself as pitied, I see within myself as my mind that I will get 'my own way' in that I will somehow, someway be mystically granted my wish for time for myself, alone within myself, within and as the illusions/fantasies of/with/as myself with/as my mind or curled up in bed eating and watching a movie. I see within myself as my mind that others see/will see my desperation and exasperation and say to themselves and everyone in my immediate world, “Poor Carrie. She sure has got a lot going on. I feel so bad for her. I wouldn't want to be in -her- shoes. Let's do something for her to help her feel better.” Once I've established this point of myself getting what I want for myself within my imagination and/or in my world via my manipulation of others outside of myself, I will see myself being relieved of responsibility and/or what I see as obligation via others taking my responsibility and/or obligations for me, for a day, a week, or forever. This abdication of my commitments, responsibilities, and/or obligations has been self-programmed into myself as my mind and my physical body via my participation in a world that has given everything to me - my mom, my family, my friends, my co-workers, and others outside of myself that have come in and out of my existence. I have allowed myself to give up and/or give over my responsibilities, commitments and what I see as 'obligations' to others time-and-time again so that I can pursue myself as/with/within my self-interests and be FREE from care or worry. YAY - WOO - PAR-TAY!

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the pattern of behavior that I have created/programmed within/as myself of bitching, complaining, and crying until I get what I want from others outside of myself because I have seen, learned, and proven time-and-time again that it works within my self-interests of myself relaxing, having fun, fucking off, not having to consider the needs of others, being absolved of my consequences of having children, and escaping into myself within/as my mind where imagine all kinds fantasies of being a hero, awesome sexual encounters, and ways in which I can 'get what I want' and/or satisfy my desires.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop, look, and see that none of my escapes, abdications, and/or self-interests are lasting: In the end, the movie ends, the party stops, I wake up (possibly hungover), I go back to work, parenting, directing others, being a wife, and being a housekeeper.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that 'the end' is the end of my nurturing my self-interests and me going back to my responsibilities again - which is not true. It does not end here. The consequence is not having to go back to my 'shitty life'. The consequence is that I am in debt - I am in-debt to others outside of myself for taking on my responsibilities for a moment. Within myself as my mind, I see that I am now vulnerable to the self-interests of others outside of myself and that I have placed myself within a position of being a 'servant'. I do not like this. I do not see myself as required to give as I have been given as I see others outside of myself as tools to get what -I- want for myself. Because I do not stop and give as I have been given, I have created and/or manipulated withinside myself as my mind a System of Debt.

Tired/Worn Down/No Time for Self = Screaming/Crying/Tantrum = Satisfying My Interest At the Expense of Others = Debt for Momentary Gratification = Work To Pay Off Debt = Tired/Worn Down/No Time for Self

Within the above, I see these points within myself:

• I can see my pattern of allowing myself to place myself within a debt to the bank/mortgage company when we 'bought' our house - I was tired of renting and wanting a place to settle/relax that I could call 'home' = I would get angry and annoyed at my landlords within the 'terms' of our rental agreements and I was not satisfied that my money was going directly into my landlord's pocket and I would have 'nothing to show' for my expenditure of hard-earned money = A bank/mortgage company loaned me money so that I could purchase my own home - with interest (their self-interest) which increased the amount of my debt = For a moment, I was elated within my getting something that I had wanted my entire life = I work hard from the starting point that I 'must do this' = tiredness/worn down/needing time to myself.

• I can now, within my pattern of 'not paying bills' how I do not see that paying my debt as equal to myself satisfying my interests where I see my self-interest as being more important than anything else within a moment.
• To add to my allowance of myself considering my self-interests as more important than the my debt agreements, I have had a backdoor available to me throughout my life from which I can escape and not take responsibility for my commitments to those whom I owe money to as I have a person in my life who is a Master of the System, in this case, the Debt System, specifically, and satisfies their own self-interests by messing with debt collectors. This person has been saving my butt my entire life within opening back doors/escape routes and then assisting me to clean up my mess that I left behind. Not only do I not like paying my bills, I do not like cleaning up my messes and I don't see myself as 'having to' because I have learned, that someone else outside of myself will do it for me. Further, I am now 'in-debt' to the person that bailed me out in that they expect me to do what they tell me to do and when they tell me to do it. I do not like someone telling me what to do.
• The back doors are closing - the Debt System, specifically, is hardening as a result of myself and others like myself who do not live up to their responsibilities and their commitments. The Debt System is saying, “You missed your payments? You did not live up to our agreement. You lose - You are cut-off/shut-off/and on your own. Bye.” I see this process of hardening as separation, as my own separation where I layer and harden the walls between myself, another outside of myself, my world, and the systems of my world, because my self interests are not being satisfied - “I want what I want and want it now. If you can't provide me with that which I require to survive and to be/look successful here. I will go elsewhere to someone who can.” The 'someone who can' is the Elite and/or the Masters of the Systems.

With and within myself as understanding myself within and as my acceptance and allowance of myself as both participating in and being/becoming in-conflict with the System of Debt, I bring my realizations of myself back to my original point of: Commitment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a negative meaning on the word commitment in that I see commitment as placing myself in debt to another outside of myself within myself as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a negative meaning and/or attached a negative definition/experience/relationship to debt within myself as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place and/or attach to myself as myself within and as my mind a negative meaning, definition, experience, and/or relationship to the words 'commitment', 'responsibility' and 'debt' because I have allowed myself to associate these words to a fear reaction inside of me where I am scared that if I give of myself within committing myself, becoming responsible for myself, and living up to the terms and agreements of debt, that I will have nothing left within and as myself to satisfy my self-interests - I see that all that I have of and as myself must be given to another outside of myself within my commitments, responsibilities, and debts and that by giving all of myself that I will not be allowing myself time to have 'a life' worth living.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that is my fear of not 'having a life not worth living' within myself as my mind that I accept and allow myself within this fear into and as my accepted agreement with debt, commitments, and responsibilities. I have not seen or become aware that by my attaching fear to living words that exist within and as myself and myself as the systems that are manifested here within and as my world, that I am thus manifesting the fear that I have a attached to these words for/as myself as my mind. When my starting point is myself as fearing that I will not have a life worth living because of commitment, responsibility, or debt, then when the words, pictures, memories, and manifestations of commitment, responsibility, and/or debt is/are face-to-face with me, I react in fear and thus my life no longer becomes worth living because from fear, I inject an experience of anxiety, panic, sadness and/or depression within and as myself my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted nor allowed myself to see that by placing myself in-conflict with my debts that I've agreed with/as/to within moments of satisfying myself as my self-interests, I am allowing myself within and as my mind, to manipulate myself to extract energy from myself as my physical body as a consequence/result of allowing myself to manipulate/create both negative and positive relationships with the words commitment, responsibility, and debt and thus, I fuel the fear that I have attached to the words commitment, responsibility, and debt as myself as my mind with that which I have extracted from myself as my physical body and inject the energy back into myself as my physical body so that I am able to 'experience' myself within and as my physical body as anxiety, panic, overwhelmed, tired, worn-down, and/or depressed - it is from these emotions that are a physical sensation within my physical world as my physical body, that I a manipulate myself within and as the belief as myself as a my mind, that my fear is real and thus the point of origin of the fear as my mind, is real. And so, the cycle of lies, deception, and manipulation that I create/store/memorize within as myself as my mind, continues. By my own acceptance and allowance of myself as my mind creating, manipulating, and participating within and as the process of layering conflicted relationships within/as/on that which I see as manifested here within and as my physical world that I have not become equal to nor responsible for with as myself, as my mind, as my physical body, I am seeing how I have built my separation as a wall and/or hardening of myself from the pain I inflict upon myself within and as my physical body.

Self-Forgiveness continued in the next blog entry.