Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Day 32: If -I- WERE you ...


I have opinions.  I have been forcing my opinions on others and thus, accepting and allowing myself to consider and/or internalize the opinions of others that I see, at times, as being forced on me.  I have formed my opinions from memories as stored experiences from the past.  I utilize this stored experiences as a way to understand others, correlate their experiences with my own experiences, and then establish points of judgement.  Further, I will also use opinions to manipulate myself, others, and events depending on what character I am playing and what the self-interests of my character are in any given moment.

Dictionary Definition of Opinion:



1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.
2. a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.
3. the formal expression of a professional judgment: to ask for a second medical opinion.
4. Law . the formal statement by a judge or court of the reasoning and the principles of law used in reaching a decision of a case.
5. a judgment or estimate of a person or thing with respect to character, merit, etc.: to forfeit someone's good opinion.

Yes.  There it is: Judgement and A Personal View

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, or understand that my opinions are thoughts that I respond/react to with an inner and outer dialogue where I converse with myself and others about my experiences that I have stored within me as memories.  I have stored these memories inside my body and attached these memories to Positive, Neutral, and Negative experiences.  I have not allowed myself to observe myself searching through myself for experiences from which I can communicate my understanding of myself and others from a point of Judgement - further, I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself that this 'understanding' of myself and others as myself is not real as my 'Judgement Calls' are never 100% accurate and that I am essentially Playing Hit-Or-Miss as a Psychic where I am searching for confirmation until I AM RIGHT and when I find that point of Being Right, I then give/force my opinion.  I commit myself to delete the Positive, Neutral, and Negative Experiences that I have stored within my body and within that commitment, I commit myself to remove and thus no longer play The Psychic or The Judge Characters.

When and as I see myself beginning to make a relationship connection between other's experiences and my own experiences, I stop.  I realize that what I am in fact doing at that moment is preparing myself to make a judgement from which I can communicate an opinion.  I see and realize that I have found a point of fear - fear of loss of myself as a character that I am seeking out confirmation for as being REAL and RIGHT and within seeing and realizing this, I direct myself and commit myself to become equal to and thus delete these characters with Self-Forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, or be honest with myself that each and every one of us has lived different experiences separate from each other - because we have lived our lives separate from each other and not in 'each others shoes', we/I can not fully understand another human beings experiences.  I have not allowed myself to see how working to understand another by walking them in MY SHOES, is a waste of time - I participate in this behavior because it is a distraction for myself and it allows me to beLIEve that I am manifesting my self-interests.  I commit myself to place myself in OTHERS SHOES by listening to others and not interjecting nor interrupting with my judgmental thoughts and self-interested opinions.  I realize that thoughts and behaviors are going to surface within me as I communicate with others and within that realization, I commit myself to be aware of my reactions while I listen to others so that I am able to investigate my reactions when the moment of conversation/communication has ended.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act out my characters that are protecting my self interest.  When I am the 'I Am Right' Character, I cross my arms, narrow my eyes, and communicate with an impatience that demonstrates that I am 'trying to be patient with you to help you -- I am busy -- but I am setting this time aside for you so you better get this'. When I am The Psychic, I blur my vision and smile a 'knowing, cocky smile', I speak softly but directly as I give my opinion - I move my body in ways as to get the most attention and/or produce a hypnotic effect on the other that I am 'getting through to'.  When I am at the receiving end of an opinion, my physical acting depends on whether the others self-interest or character is stronger than mine: If the other character is stronger than me, I sigh, I fold my arms around me, I lower my eyes as if I am 'considering/internalizing' and I pretend to be be listening by locking my jaw and making steady-full-focused eye-contact periodically between 'considering' and nodding my head.  If the other character is weaker than my self-interests, I blow the other person 'off' - I roll my eyes, say 'whatever', and give a half-cocky smile and end with, "We'll see," in a patronizing tone of voice.  Within this realization that I am using these acts to hide what is that I am seeing but afraid to communicate, I commit myself to stopping the act.  When and as I begin to physically feel the fear inside of me during these moments, I breath my way through and I commit myself to be aware of the character but not participate with the character nor reacting as the character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become influenced by others opinions.  I have seen myself adopt others opinions as a means of survival where I tell myself that <this> worked for <that person> so I must make this my opinion as well so that I can be happy, satisfied, and as a double-bonus, the person that gave me their opinion will respect and love me if I can 'pull it off'.  Further, when I adopt the opinions of others, internalize the opinion, and demonstrate that I understand and agree with the opinion, I do not have to face my fear of loss - I do not have to live through the pain of being doubted, looked 'down upon', and/or being rejected/replaced.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the opinions of others because I do not want the person who is giving me their opinion to have to live through the pain of being doubted, being seen as being stupid, or being rejected/replaced - it is here, also, that I will allow and/or manipulate another into believing that I am following/internalizing/walking/changing as per their opinion even though I am not.  I commit myself to no longer accept nor allow opinions - from myself or anyone else.  In fact, I commit myself to removing the word OPINION - I no longer accept nor allow myself to live out the pre-defined and pre-programmed meaning of the word Opinion as I see that to live out this meaning is not in the interest of life. When and as I see myself forming an opinion to share with another or see myself accepting/considering an opinion from another, I stop.  I see and realize that opinions are self-interested judgements and thus, I do not participate.  When and as I am faced with my judgements and self-interests as Opinion, I realize that I am hiding a fear and thus, I commit myself to be aware of the points that come up inside of me so that I can investigate the core source as fear.

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