Thursday, July 5, 2012

Day 28: Re-Defining Commitment - Part 3

This writing is a continuation of Day 27: Re-Defining Commitment - Part 2.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see within myself as my mind negative meanings and messed up pictures of others outside of myself as 'commitment' and/or 'being committed'. I see that within myself as my mind that 'committing' oneself or 'being committed' does not only mean 'to apply oneself within responsibility and dedication', it also means to place oneself or to be placed by oneself against one's will into a mental facility and/or a rehab center where one loses all of their 'rights' and responsibilities to/for their life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word 'commitment' because I live in fear of it happening to me because within myself as my mind, I see this as a real possibility in my life because I have seen, witnessed and heard accounts of threatening from those that I am close with to have others that they care for 'committed' so that they could get control of the committed persons finances and life decisions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate/connect/attach/and create a relationship between/of/with the word 'commitment' to images of another threatening to 'have <Name>' committed if <Name> does not get themselves together'. I have not seen how this image has been burned into me as myself as my memory within and as my mind, because this statement was repeated over-and-over again - after the event is over, the repeat continues when/as <Name> is mentioned in conversation where the repeat flows as, “... <Name> ... Did I ever tell you that I threatened to have <Name> committed?”, “I almost had <Name> committed.”, “<Name> hasn't talked to me since I threatened to have them committed <part shameful laughter>.”, “<Name> really should have been committed, you know. I -know- that <Name> was on drugs and they probably have AIDS too -- they looked just awful.”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I not only allowed myself to absorb this information but I also deepened and/or imbedded it further within and as myself as fear because in this specific event above with <Name>, <Name> had done a lot for the people I care for - financially and as someone that we could 'count on' to assist us and provide us with means from which to support ourselves (mostly with interest, lol). Within myself as my mind, I solidified my fear of the word 'commitment' with/within/as my fear because within myself I tell/told myself that “if it can happen to <Name>, it can happen to me.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and/or manipulate myself within as myself as my mind a relationship of fear to another where and when I see this person in my physical world and my memories of a picture of this person within and as my mind of them sitting at a computer in boredom, plotting, pushing, and manipulating their way into others lives as a means to gain control and/or power over another - that this person could in fact, gain control and/or power over me at any time that this person desires and/or sees within themselves that I require to be committed and thus controlled if I 'mess up'. Further, this person has demonstrated that they will repeat over-and-over-again, with a sly Ego smile, what they did, their justifications/reasoning for what they did, and how they did it within their mastery of the system to anyone that is present, listening and/or obligated to listen as if to say, “Look at the power over others that I have,” and then reasoning with words that indicated they are/have doing/done what was required for anothers, “Best interest.”

From here, I direct my Self-Forgiveness statements from a point of structure and the realizations of myself via the support of the Journey To Life Blogs, group and one-on-one chats, and Eqafe Interviews.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that my acceptance and allowance of myself as being controlled and/or under the power of someone or something indicates that I have already given up my control and that I have already given over my power because if this did not exist within me, I would not allow it. So, as I see this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of blame and fear with another instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that this was simply myself communicating to myself that I am not the director of myself in my life - I live in a state of blame where I 'beat myself up' with judgment and thus fear because I cannot trust myself to not abuse myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I have assigned conflicted meanings to words from which to contain myself from being a living expression of my words. I have not seen how this is another layer/dimension of my self-entrapment that has been directly reflected back to me in the way that I move from one thought to a conflicting thought in my mind which I observe gets me no where and changes nothing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that it will be impossible to determine what it is that I in-fact want/need/require for myself to care for myself for who I am as life if I do not remove the polarity from my thoughts, words, and actions because if I do not, I will remain in a constant Tug-of-War with myself. I have not seen that I must be vigilant and be the director of my life at all times as it is self-sabotage to give in and sell myself out to the pictures that I desire to have within my mind and my world for a moment of energetic-experience-high which does not last and leaves me empty - High and Dry.


Photo: Pull-Error-t
By Andrew Gable
Art By Andrew Gable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ACCEPT and LIVE-OUT a pre-defined, pre-determined conflict within/of/as the word Commitment where: If I think, live, and communicate Commitment Positively as an Agreement with another to stay Together which we accomplish via Working with each other toward a common goal of Service as what's important to each other by establishing effective Communications and Actions that we can have a Positive Result and thus attain Peacefulness, Tranquility, and Silence within. And/or if I think, live, and communicate Commitment Negatively as Neglect, Failure, and/or Non-Completion of my positively defined understanding of Commitment as how I -should- be living Commitment via Comparing and Judging, I will force myself into a position of Slavery to another as I see myself as unworthy until I reach a point of neutrality within myself where I tell myself that I do not care thus creating a median between myself and another which I justify through back-chat as them using, abusing, and/or taking advantage of my 'good nature' from which I begin the process of Separation in my mind and then my physical life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become controlled and/or caught in my cycle of Commitment polarity conflict where when I am at the point of final mental and physical separation as divorce or 'moving on' without the other that I have made a commitment with, that I will allow myself to go back into a Positive Commitment after a high-energy competition fight with the other as a result of either winning or losing where: If I win, the other has agreed to change or I think my way into 'feeling bad' for hurting the other and thus give them 'another chance'. OR, if I lose, I become disappointed and angry with myself for letting the other down/not living up to their expectations and thus work on creating and changing into a Positive Commitment Personality that I see the other as needing to be happy. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how I have been existing within/as this cycle - nor have I allowed myself to realize and be honest with myself that I perpetuate my Positive and Negative meaning/definition of Commitment by an under-lying acceptance and allowance of fearing to lose my high-energy experiences as my partner and I think, live, and communicate pre-defined postive meanings of Commitment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see, realize, and understand that by bringing my pre-defined meanings of Commitment into a relationship with another instead of into a relationship with myself that I have not allowed myself to place this point into a position of/from WHERE I can see WHAT I am doing to/within myself and HOW I continue to sabotage myself within my living expression of Commitment as an additional layer of control/containment/enslavement of myself via separation on ALL levels/dimensions of/within which I participate.

Messy. Messy. Messy.
Bernard repeated the same on chat the other day. He nailed it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire my positive meaning of Commitment as I experience an energetic high and because of my desire for this high, I have not accepted nor allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I have sold myself out as I must also accept and allow the negative meaning of Commitment in which I become empty and looking for my next high. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become/be and live as a mind-controlled and physically-controlled Commitment Addict as a consequence of myself separating myself from the equation rather than placing myself as Self-Controlled, Self-Will, present, and countable.

An addict will always be without ... Another point nailed by Bernard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react time and time again to the word Commitment where I would become physically uncomfortable, have movements within me, and/or have a fear rush. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a word to push my polarity buttons of hope and fear rather than stop and realize that my life does not have to be this way - that I do not have to be a pre-programmed robot that responds to words as commands.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life as a programmed robot without question and/or allowed/forced myself to suppress questions because those that were here before me made certain to establish themselves as the Authority of me by using bullying and abuse until I gave up and gave in.

During a chat with Maya H., she brought up a cool perspective that I have kept with me for the last few weeks of this process: Commit - Come Meet. Come meet yourself as who you are.

When I consider this, I experience a fear reaction in response to meeting myself as who I am seeing the 'who I am' as an unknown and thus scarey variable. Yet, YET within the next thought, I become hopeful and positive that 'who I am' could be someone awesome, amazing, and more that I am now -- dude, I could be a super-hero-human as the light at the end of this tunnel!

After seeing this, I see that additional self-forgiveness is required.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I am as indicated by my pre-programmed physical fear fight-or-flight response because WHO I AM in the past and at the moment, is/has been seen by myself and others as a threat to our collective survival where if I do not act or live in a specific, acceptable way in which I have been taught, then I am a danger and not worthy to be in the presence of others. And within seeing myself and/or being seen as a danger, there is a potential or possibility for myself to be punished where my punishment is a loss of others as an answer/consequence of/as the question, “If others do not like me, end up hating me, or do not 'feel comfortable' around me, what will become of me and how do I survive without them if they all gang up, unite together within their distrust/hate/discontentment and all leave me?”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress, interfere, and to block myself from myself by using shame, regret, and sadness against myself so that I do not see, realize, nor understand from where in my life that this fear of loss as punishment comes from. When I consider who I am, I go back to when I was a child because I see this as a point of reference to assist myself in understanding/seeing who I started as before I gave up, gave in, and gave myself over to bullies as peers and authoritarians as those who have been here longer than myself. I do not and have not wanted to see who I was before and/or during my programming because I judge who I was and what I've done as evil, wrong, messed-up, unacceptable and weird from the outside of myself through and as others eyes which then take back into myself and hurt my self and my body with deep pain in response to becoming ashamed and/or embarrassed. This suppression/trying to make myself forget is dishonest because I am telling myself that this is 'not who I am anymore' so I can 'move on' yet I continue to bring up these shameful and embarrassing memories of myself as who I was to test my Acceptable-Popular-Charismatic-Attractive Personality and to keep myself 'in-check' so that I do not consider EVER going back there. I have not seen how I have been using specific memories and physical pain to keep me in fear so that I never see, realize, nor understand myself nor realize any possible indicators of WHO I AM from WHAT I WAS.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope that who I am at the end of the tunnel is super-hero version of myself where I participate with my Ego. As I participate with my Ego, I am inspired by the possibility of being/becoming more than human where what I am seeing as 'more than human' is a human that can defy the laws of the reality that is here by being invincible, protected by a divine/authority force of goodness because one is SO PERFECT, able to stop aging, mold and shape the body at will where I could say, “I want to be <this> today!” and it's done, travel forward, through, and backwards through time and dimensions, re-locate my physical body from one point to another by simply /thinking/ about a point, and a bunch of other things that have no practical reality at all. I have not allowed myself see, realize and understand that these fantasies are CLEARLY my mind's desires as they are a reflection of how my mind moves. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting these thoughts and thus accepting and allowing for the possibility of myself to be/become a mundane, bored, depressed, empty, and miserable human that does not make process and thus could be screwed for eternity.

New Definition of the Word Commitment
When I say, 'I commit', I am saying 'I agree to live as this' where I am prepared to take on the consequence of NOT living as my agreed upon words. So, when I commit, I must be 100% certain that I can live up to my words.

Commitment = The action of taking responsibility for one's written and spoken words that one has agreed to live and apply themselves to.

If I were to explain to my 4 year old son what 'Commitment' is, I would say, “Commitment is DOING what you say you are going to do.”

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