Day 50: I Am Above This

ART By Jessie Arias

"You're higher than the rest of us."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to hearing, "You're higher than the rest of us," from another outside of myself.  I am reacting to this statement because I, in fact, have placed myself as 'higher' than others from a point of survival - survival of my physical self in in the world system of money and survival of myself as a mind to maintain my 'sanity' as I have told myself that if I were to be/become the 'lesser', that others would see me as a stupid and a failure within a world where 'opportunity is everywhere and that one only needs to be smart, focused, committed, driven, and willing to do the work to get higher'.  I have told myself and shown myself that if I do not apply myself within this world system of money that I will end up as insane 'bum' on the street.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as higher within myself as my mind from a point of fear - where if I do not place myself above others, that I could potentially become others - ANY others, including an 'insane bum on the street' which is real fuckin' scarey to me.  I have not been honest with myself that I fear others lives becoming my own life because I do not see myself as being able to 'manage'/control the lives of others as myself.  And thus, instead of taking responsibility for my fear that other could 'infect' me with their lives, their drama, their problems, and/or their idiocy, it was easier for me to separate myself from others and place myself as 'higher'/'above'/better/MORE than others and distract myself with my 'higher purpose' rather than allowing myself to be/as/with/equal-to and one with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to roll my eyes/flutter my eyes in annoyance/exasperation, shake my head, and physically 'shut myself off' from others via blank-staring expressions, turning my lips downward in disappointment, and/or walking away in 'disbelief' of others.  I have not seen how this physical behavior is CLEARLY demonstrating/speaking my true nature which is essentially a person who sees themselves as 'above all of this' and 'not connected to it in anyway'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back-chat, "Really ... I seriously cannot believe how stupid people are ..." and "if it were ME, I would have done <this> ... (insert Perfect Solution Personality)," to exist within and as me.  I have not allowed myself to slow myself to see that is me communicating to me how I would see myself in a similar situation - I would tell myself that I am stupid, that I failed, I am 'less than' others and that I can do 'better than that' and within not seeing this, I was also not allowing myself to see that this is myself not only judging myself but putting myself in direct competition/conflict with myself.

I commit myself to placing myself within and as others - and from within and as others, I commit myself to working with what I'm seeing/hearing within/from/as what is best for us all.

I commit myself to giving to others what I want for myself which is compassion, hearing, understanding, togetherness, and standing - standing for others when and as they are unable to stand for themselves and/or compromising themselves and within this, to give as I have been given.

I commit myself to stopping the separation that I've created as a barrier between others and myself for/because of/from fear - When and as I see myself separating myself from others, I stop and I breath through the fear as I see, realize, and understand that this is my mind's way of keeping me from realizing who I am as equality and oneness.  I assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction and agreements with myself that I can commit to for change.

I commit myself to ending my competition-conflict relationship with myself by breathing, assisting and supporting myself with self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitments as I see, realize, and understand that it is a pattern of mine that I must break-free from in order to focus on what's really here - additionally, if I am to end the abuse of myself and others within the external world system of money, I must end the abuse of myself and others within my internal system of energy creation.

Day 49: I Am Perfect

This blog is a continuation of Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person

ART by Marlen Vargas Del Razo

"You're perfect."

I forgive myself for accepted and allowing myself to react to hearing, "You're perfect ..." from another outside of myself by shaking my head, pushing my eyebrows together with concern and saying, "No! No, that's not cool.  That's not true at all.  I am NOT perfect." and then within myself as back-chat, I tell myself that I've messed up and look for a quick way out within the information and knowledge that I've accumulated to come up with an answer that's going to 'fix it'.  I have not allowed myself to see this is me judging myself and then defending myself with information and knowledge. Additionally, from and as a point of defense, I will become the Calm-Wise-Stable-Guru Character that smiles and speaks slowly and softly to gently guide whom I am communicating with toward the point by speaking accumulated information and knowledge because I have not stood equal and one with the point.

I commit myself to breathing and hearing when I am in communication with another about a point that I have not investigated within/as myself as I see, realize, and understand that it is not required for me to defend myself but rather that I require of myself to understand myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back-chat of 'I messed up' to exist within and as me.  When I say, "I messed up," I am actually saying, "I failed," and thus not taking responsibility for my mistake because when I say 'I messed up'/'I failed', I stop investigating myself and do not work out a solution for myself for when and as the same point comes up for myself in the future.  I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and be honest with myself that when, instead, I say, "I made a mistake ..." that I will immediately go into a problem-solving process to assist myself from making the same mistake in the future.

I commit myself to removing my relationship that I've created within and as myself as 'A Mess-Up' where I no longer accept nor allow myself to use the excuse 'I Messed Up' and instead see, realize, and understand that I have simply made 'A Mistake' and mistakes can be corrected with practical, common-sense solutions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to go back into my memory and see where my reaction and conflict with hearing, "You're perfect," originated from.  Because between 6 and 12 years old, I would have wanted to hear that I am perfect as hearing it from outside of myself would have given me sooooooo much comfort as I learned, prior to these ages, how imperfect I was from my world and this shocked me as I saw myself as perfect.  I was AWESOME. However, when the world told me, over-and-over again how imperfect I was, I changed myself to prove that this wasn't true about me and thus, I looked outside of myself for confirmation that I made the correct changes and that I could/would now be seen as perfect.  What I did not/have not allow myself to see is that after the age of 12, I accepted and allowed the nasty spoken back-chat from others that said, "Oh. Look at her.  She thinks she's SOOOOOOO perfect ..." and within accepting and allowing that, adopted it within/as myself as a jealousy relationship and thus attached a negative meaning to the word, 'Perfect'.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a positivity as: I AM AWESOME, a negativity as SPITE and JEALOUSY, and a neutrality as WAITING FOR CONFIRMATION to the word, 'PERFECT'.

I commit myself to simply being who I am and within that, keeping what's best for myself as/for all as Life and removing what's NOT best for myself as/for all as Life so that I can be someone that -I- accept and enjoy being with.

Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person

 

Withing my world, I'm hearing:
"You're perfect."
"You're higher than the rest of us."
"You're the bigger person."
"You are more.  More than us."
"Nothing you do is wrong."

I say, "No, no, no.  This is not how I want you to see me.  This is not my objective.  That is not cool at all." And within me I say, "This sucks - crap.  Where am I messing up here - I do not want this person to feel as though I am better than them because I've been there all of my life within that trap of seeing others as better than myself - please don't see me like that ..."

I'm taking it personal.  I'm even hearing spite resonating with the words as their spoken from others - spite mixed with honesty.  And it's that honesty that my Ego picks up on and I breath, smile, and within that honesty I experience a positive success and then use that energy within my communication that follows to cover-up and/or ignore the negativity.

We all want to be seen as a positive personality that is 'doing the best thing' and I don't like it when the truth of myself and my application is reflected back at me as honest spite.  To test this, I looked at myself and saw myself as separate from the others in my life - I've been in conflict everywhere in my life and the picture of myself that I see within my mind is outside of the group.  As the negative, I see myself firmly standing with my arms crossing my body and my foot tapping impatiently.  As the positive, I see myself with my arms open and myself saying, "Come here.  Communicate with me.  Let's work this out." And as the neutral, I see myself distracting myself with work or what's within my physical environment while I wait for them to 'come around'.  When I put my Ego into the picture equation, I am suddenly MUCH bigger than everyone else - am a giant, I am God-Like, I am a guru waiting for the flock to come into my arms where I embrace them all motherly and lovingly 'show them the way' ... and we all live happily ever after.

In my real, physical world I am seeing frustration, disappointment, sadness, loneliness, and anger.  I see heads shaking.  I hear of others being scared of me and see those others lingering around corners watching me like I watched others when I was experiencing myself as small and powerless - wanting to understand and 'help' but afraid to get caught in the cross-fire.

Continuing writing in the next post.

Day 47: I Know What You're All About ...

Continued from:  Day 46: That Is SO Not True About Me,  Day 45: Excuses, Excuses, Day 44: Task and Self-Support Management and Day 43: Starting Over

I commit myself to trusting that I am completing tasks, responsibilities, objectives, goals, chores and/or work  effectively and to the best of my ability. And within this commitment:

When and as I see that I am doubting myself and my abilities to effectively complete a task that is well within my ability to do so, I stop.  I breath through the fear of failure.  I see, realize and understand that I have NEVER FAILED - I have made mistakes - and as I make mistakes, I correct my mistakes, move on, test my correction and re-adjust if/when/as it's required to do so.

I see, realize and understand that correction is simple - in fact, I have been doing it my entire life within my character creation process - the difference now is that I go back and correct within the principle of what is best for all instead of what is best for myself exclusively.

When and as I see/hear myself back-chatting as others to myself and thus responding with my own dialogue that I pair with a physical demonstration that anticipates others expectations, I STOP.  I see and realize that I am talking with/to myself about my own expectations and I now see, realize and understand that to respond/react physically to my expectations by slave-driving myself and my body is NOT COOL and within this, I re-direct myself to self-forgive and self-correct myself in the moment then move on as additionally, I am seeing that it takes LESS TIME to stop, self-forgive, and self-correct and MORE TIME to obsess and fix details as a response to my back-chat that do not change/improve anything of substance.

I commit myself to no longer adopting/teaching myself philosophies and/or tenets that do not prove to be true in all cases and in every application.

I commit myself to allowing myself and others an equal opportunity for change and within this, I commit myself to breathing when in the company of myself/others and seeing who we really are rather than who I THINK we are.

When and as I see/hear/tell myself that I THINK any one person is any one 'way' or of one design as per my correlation of one to a memory of another, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that I am not seeing who myself and others really are - I am seeing us as who/what I've pre-defined us as within a past moment of fear that I stored within myself.  Within seeing, realizing, and understanding that I have been projecting past experiences with/of myself onto myself and others, I re-direct myself to instead breath through the fear and allow myself to BE in moments with myself/others and in this way, 'get to know' myself/others as who/what we really are.

Day 46: That is SO Not True About Me

Art By Kelly Posey

Continued from: Day 45: Excuses, Excuses, Day 44: Task and Self-Support Management and Day 43: Starting Over

When and as I see that I am taking others words, actions, reactions, and/or feedback personal as indicated to me by me experiencing an adrenaline-fear reaction, holding my breath, clenching my teeth, putting a hand on my hip, scrunching my face, and/or allowing my mind to flood with thoughts and memories of why that other is wrong, I stop. I breath and I slow down.  I see and realize that I am reacting out of fear of being seen as incompetent and/or lazy and that I am about to react with words that PROVE that I am not less than another and that I am, in fact, better than another - and because I see the consequence of this as causing conflict, I do not move myself to prove that I am in the right/better - instead I take this as an opportunity to breath and show myself that I can trust myself to take responsibility for myself for my taking it personal reaction in that moment by continuing to breath, hearing others, and taking an inventory of what I am reacting to about myself and why so that I am able to be effective within my taking responsibility for my actions/reactions.

I commit myself to breathing when in a state of reaction and taking an inventory of what is triggering me and why.

When and as I see/hear myself expecting others to do things for me because I do things for them, I see, realize, and understand that this is me looking for appreciation. Additionally, I realize that by doing 'things' for others, that I expect others to labor for me, without question/reaction/negativity - I am making investments in others because I expect a return of servitude. So from here, I stop myself from doing things for others ONLY IF it benefits me and benefits me only and instead, re-direct myself to doing things for others from within/as compassion, caring and what is best.

I commit myself to no longer move myself within doing things for others to prove myself as a worthy, caring, hard-working individual - instead, within this, I commit myself to moving myself within supporting myself and others with tasks that show myself that I am a worthy, caring, hard-working individual within/as/from the point of what is best.

Day 45: Excuses, excuses

Continued from Day 44: Task and Self-Support Management and Day 43: Starting Over

When and as I see that I am compromising myself in the name of money/survival, I realize that I am using money/survival as an excuse and justification for my avoidance of putting all other things in my life on hold.  I stop, I take an inventory of what is absolutely necessary to get done to secure my survival system and then I move on.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to be/become consumed by my system of survival.

I commit myself to no longer use 'work' as an excuse to avoid supporting myself and others.

When and as I see that I am responding to others back-chat as myself within my mind by taking on more and more to please others, I stop.  I breath.  I see and realize that responding to others complaints with my own back-chat drives me to do more/take on the agreed upon responsibilities of others because I am in fear of being a target of the gossip/nasty-talk shared between others. I no longer allow myself to physically abuse myself as a response to my back-chat nor the back-chat I accept, allow, and memorize from within my world.  Instead of allowing myself to be directed by back-chat, I move myself to do what practically needs to be done to get a job/task/objective done.

Day 44: Task and Self-Support Management

'The Hidden Dimensions of Self' by Andrew Gable

Continuing from Day 43: Starting Over

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pair my back-chat-inner-dialogue responses to others with physical expressions of appearing stunned, sighing, dropping my shoulders, shaking my head in disappointment/disbelief, rubbing my face, and/or then retreating to a space separate from others where I sit, fold my arms over my mid-section, lean my head back, clench my teeth and stare at the wall and/or ceiling.  It's within this physical state that I suppress my anger, frustration, and disappointment and make a memory relationship between the experience and label these experiences as precisely 'why I can't trust others' and then make a decision/plan of my future self and how to avoid this experience again by doing the work myself and/or delegating a task to another that has met my expectations time-and-time-again.  I have not seen nor realized that this 'another' person does not exist for any extended amount of time and that eventually, the person that is/was meeting my expectations begins by expressing, "I will do this.  But I don't want to ..." and it all goes downhill from here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instantly recall memories of negative experiences with others that are similar to experiences with others that I am having with others in any given moment and within that, allow myself to be directed by those similar memories as to how I told myself I would act/react if that similarity showed up again in my life - I have not allowed myself to slow myself down and see that this pairing/correlating of the past with a moment and responding as if I were in the past, keeps me in the past and keeps me in a pre-determined pattern which is easier than directing myself/situations as what is best in that moment.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pre-determine my trust of others based on my past similar experiences with others instead of giving myself and others the chance to work out a practical solution/agreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to teach myself and be taught by others that no one outside of oneself can be trusted to complete tasks that need to be done without constant and continual supervision, direction and/or reminders.  Specifically, I have allowed myself to buy into the shared philosophy that 'If you want a job done right, you have to do it yourself' and 'When others are left on their own, they will behave like children'.  Because I have accepted and allowed these tenets to exist within and as my leadership/management/home/life, they have become very real in my world where I end up doing more and more and taking on more and more because I do not trust that others will do it if I am not there 'lording over' them.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself that within my reactions and secret-mind-back-chat that I am actually communicating to myself about myself about why I do not trust myself - I do not trust that I am doing the job 'right', I do not trust myself to direct myself within choices/decisions that are in everyone's best interest, I am 'tired' of physically laboring for others when I do not see an immediate benefit for myself, and I would very much 'appreciate it' if another took on some of my task responsibilities so that I can relax for a few moments and enjoy some time where I do not have to 'worry'. Instead of being honest with myself about what my mind is showing me about what I really want within my own self-interest and thus taking responsibility, I projected it onto others.

When and as I see that I am allowing myself and my body to be consumed by work/tasks/duties/responsibility as indicated by me not taking breaks to rest, eat properly, and sufficient time in bed because I am worrying about time, obsessing, back-chatting, and/or responding to fear of survival/failure, I stop.  I re-direct myself to support myself with moments off of my feet, food that is supportive for my body, sleep/resting in bed, and breathing to assist with the stabilizing myself, relaxing myself, and my continued investigation of myself.

I commit myself to managing my time to include resting, sleeping, eating quality foods, and supporting myself with daily blog entries, scheduled chats, and working on my assignments.

I commit myself to drinking water throughout my day and to limit my intake of frozen from concentrated juices and coffee.

When and as I tell myself I am thirsty and thus go to juice, coffee, and/or milk products, I stop. I re-direct myself to instead get/buy/fill a bottle of water and drink it.

I commit myself to, again, stopping my sugar addiction - and within that, for the next 21 days, I commit myself to removing sugar from my diet completely to assist with breaking this habit.

When and as I see that I am compromising myself, my body, my family, my studies, my assignments, my writing, my projects/'me time', and my life for a job/commitment/responsibility as indicated by anger, physical soreness, and/or back-chat that is a response to myself as a 'people pleaser' telling myself that my work is 'probably not good enough so it has to be flawless', I stop.  I breath, separate myself from my task, and work out a plan on paper for what is absolutely required for me to complete the task - I return to my task and complete what needs to be done as per my written plan and when that is done, I remove myself from that task and then move on to go home, support my family, support myself, and/or support those that are supporting me.

Additionally,
When and as I see that I am distracting myself with other tasks that I see need to be done from a point of fear of agitating, annoying, disappointing, and/or giving others a 'reason' to think/communicate negatively about me, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that I am responding to my back-chat and taking others back-chat/negative communication personally and within that I am self-sabotaging and allowing myself as my mind to leach off of me.  Additionally, I now see, realize, and understand that this is a pattern and patterns get me no-where/change nothing - So, I stop.  I remove myself from the task and go back to my written time-task management plan.  Nothing more, nothing less.

I will continue writing tomorrow.

Day 43: Starting Over

 I haven't written in my Journey To Life blog for weeks.  From here, I re-commit myself to push myself to write everyday and since it has been an extensive amount of time since I have written in this blog, I'm starting over with where I am at the moment as well as what I have accepted and allowed as justification for myself not supporting myself.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body over and over and over again - day in and day out - night in and night out - late nights, early mornings, overnights and some days where I do not allow myself to rest/sleep for 36+ hours at a time.  For what? For WHO?  It changes NOTHING.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to additionally abuse my body by not allowing myself to stop, remove myself from working, and eat foods that are supportive for my body - instead, I have allowed myself to put myself in a pattern of eating 'whatever I can find' when my body starving which consists of ALL SUGAR and drinking beverages like coffee, fake juices, and chocolate milk to keep myself from 'going down'.  The consequence of this behavior/pattern is that my body is sore, my teeth are getting damaged at a faster rate then I can financially fix them, I am severely dehydrated, I am shakey, I am cold, and the skin all over my body is itchy and breaking out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my body to a point of exhaustion where when I stop moving, sit down, or begin to write, that I 'shut down', 'go blank', am unable to focus my eyes, and my head drops as my awareness moves between being here with others and being unable to participate in any activity outside of work.  I have not allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I do not rest my body and within that, continue to push myself within exhaustion day in and day out, that it is not possible within my current state as completely within my mind to be present, breathing, and pushing through resistance/excuses/justifications/distractions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to literally sacrifice/compromise myself and beat on my physical body in the name of survival.  I have told myself that if I do not fully commit myself to my work and the requests of those that determine if I will have a job or not, that I will not have a job and if -I- do not have a job then many others will not have a job - I have been so afraid of failing myself, failing others, and securing a future for myself and others that 'depend' on me, that I did not see that I was failing and the more I took on out of fear/anger/disappointment/ego, the worse my world/situation/physical pain became.  Instead of stopping, saying 'NO. No more.' I said, 'I will make this work - no matter what it takes - if I have to abuse myself, change myself, put myself on hold to uphold my commitment, then so be it.'  In the end, I have lost it all - all of those days, nights, times, and moments are gone and my system of survival follows soon.

---

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that all that I need to make something work is myself and that if I want something done 'right', done 'on time', done efficiently, or DONE PERIOD, that, in the end, I would have to do it myself.  It was easier for me to continue to push and push and push my physical body, work against the clock, and not allow myself to support myself and my family, rather than stand up, communicate what needed to be done, and establish agreements with others regarding what has to be done, within what time frame, and as per specific standards - instead of making agreements and then making certain that all were following through, I compromised - and within that compromising, I did not allow myself or others a chance build trust nor learn how to assist and support each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to others not following through, not 'being here for me' as per my expectations, and/or being pissy/angry/huffy about doing duties that save me time and/or physical exertion/exhaustion.  I have reacted within/as anger, frustration, disappointment, sadness, shock and disbelief. I took it personal over and over again - and the more I took it personal, the worse it got - it never improved.  The only thing that strengthened was my distrust, backchat, and absolute disliking/hatred/intolerance/impatience with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed backchat, as a nasty inner dialogue to exist within me as: "WTF? REALLY? Did you JUST back out on me after you said you'd be here?", "You can't be trusted.  Go away now.", "Is it really that hard to do this ONE simple thing every day?", "Dude.  It's your job ... sigh, whatever, you obviously don't care - I'll take it from here.", "If I continue to see you lingering around here and doing nothing while I am doing YOUR JOB and fixing YOUR MISTAKES and doing things that are your job and YOU DON'T WANT TO DO, I swear to God, I'm going to come unglued.", "You have no clue what I am doing for you ... don't you realize that I am putting my entire life on hold for you so that you can not be burdened and enjoy/be apart of the end result?"  "Do you have ANY clue how much I have saved up from doing this on my own so that you can have your party?  No, you don't.  Maybe if you did, you might help me out some over here - and not because you HAVE to but because it's for all of us." aaaaaaaaaand, "Idiots.  Everyone of you.  Well, maybe except for you over there - you're cool."

I will continue tomorrow.