Day 178: How To Stop Being A Stress Junkie - Part 1

In this entry, I'm continuing with self-correction and self-commitment statements from writing and self-forgiveness on Day 177: Addicted To Stress? Whaaat?

SELF-CORRECTION AND SELF-COMMITMENT STATEMENTS

When and as I see that I am using stress as a way to have an experience, I stop and breathe.  I realize that having experiences does not necessarily mean that I'm living or having a life.

I commit myself to stop using stress as a way to experience life by when and as I am in this state of stress, breathing, slowing myself down, and reminding myself that being in this constant state of fear, worry, and reaction is not living - it is actually quite harmful for myself, my body, and my mind.  So, within this, I commit myself to take care of myself and to no longer accept and allow myself to go into stress for the sake of 'feeling something'.

When and as I see that I am telling myself and/or allowing myself to be influenced by the belief that I must feel something in order for me to be alive, I stop and breathe.  I realize, at the moment, that living for me is being here, being present, breathing, and being aware of my physical body as well as the processes/patterns that are playing out within my mind.  So, instead of focusing on what 'more' I could with physical energetic experiences, I focus on what I do have - myself, breathing, my body, and my mind processes/patterns that are required to be sorted through, understood, and restructured.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to be influenced by the belief that I must feel something - something different, something more, something exciting - in order for me to be classified as 'being alive'.  And within this, I commit myself to stopping this desire to 'be alive' by allowing myself to actually, really live here, breathing, and being/becoming aware of myself as a mind and physical being.  I will work with what I have rather than being on the look-out for what I must have that I apparently do not.

When and as I see that I have or that I am considering placing myself in a situation of stress or trauma, I stop, I breath, and I slow myself down.  I realize that by allowing myself to go into the stress or trauma that I am choosing to follow my mind and when I do this, I am a willing participant within and as the thoughts, fears, worries, emotions, feelings and the general seeing myself as not being in-control - the ingredients that go into my recipe for stress and trauma.

I commit myself to stopping myself from deliberately placing myself in stress and/or trauma by no longer allowing myself to automatically go into my thoughts, worries, fears, emotions, feelings and the belief of having no control within and as situations - where, instead, when faced with the choice to go into my thoughts, worries, fears, emotions, feelings, and beliefs about control OR to breath, relax my body, straighten my posture, and slooooooow down, I choose to breath, relax my body, straighten my posture and sloooooow down.

When and as I see that I am experiencing an uncomfortableness when and as I am quiet with myself, I stop and breath.  I realize that the uncomfortableness I am experiencing is me not wanting to face the consequences of the stress and trauma that I have accepted and allowed.  The truth is that I'm never actually quiet -- aside from the the usual physical movement within and as my physical body, my ears are usually ringing and my skin feels like it's constantly and continuously 'swirling-moving-resonating-vibrating' as a result of the energy that I've allowed to accumulate within and as me.  Instead of turning to stressful situations as a 'cure' and thus accumulating more energy, I support myself to sort though and diminish the energy build-up from my stress and trauma that I've already accumulated.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to run from the uncomfortableness I experience when I am alone, breathing, and silent by pushing myself to continue to breath, allowing myself to be with myself as the consequence that I have created for myself, and within this, allowing myself to let this energy go and to diminish.  I commit myself to stop agitating myself so that I can settle and be stable.

Day 177: Addicted To Stress? Whaaat?

As I was listening to How Addiction To Pain and Suffering Killed Me, I identified that I am addicted to stress.  Stress has become channel for me to have an experience - whether that experience is positive or negative does not matter as much as long as I am experiencing something.  When I'm not putting the pressure of stress on my mind and my body, I find that there is a quietness within me that I am not comfortable with because I physically feel a blankness, an emptiness, or a nothingness that I have equated to being blank, being empty, or being nothing - as if this a wrong way of being and that I have failed at living a satisfying life full with the thrill and excitement of unpredictability, ups-and-downs, feelings, emotions, and all kinds of physical energetic sensations.  When I am not within this state of speeding thoughts, reactions, excitement, and fear and instead, simply being here alone with myself with not much going on within me our outside of me, I will eventually interpret this state of being as 'a depression' because that's the word that I have connected to moments where there is very little to nothing going on within me.  Depression is something that I fear because in mind, I judge depression as a negative expression of oneself - that being depressed is wrong, bad, and that I could lose myself within the blankness, emptiness, and nothingness that I have associated with depression.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to stress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself use stress as a way/channel for me to have an experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have some sort of an experience at all times and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must have some sort of an experience at all times for me to experience being alive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my body and mind in a state of stress and trauma.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and be uncomfortable with a physical experience of quietness, blankness, emptiness, and/or nothingness.  I have defined the experiences of quietness, emptiness, blankness, and nothingness as being 'wrong', 'bad' and/or 'negative' - like something is wrong with me if I am not 'feeling something'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that something is wrong with me if I am not feeling something and within this believe that I must have thrills, excitement, unpredictability, ups-and-downs, feelings and emotions and all kinds of physical sensations in order for me to have a well-rounded, balanced, and satisfied life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret quietness and/or little-to-no energetic movement going on within/as me as Depression and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect Depression to 'quietness', 'emptiness', 'blankness', and 'nothingness'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energetic highs of speeding thoughts, reactions, excitement, and fear rather than allow myself to be here and be alone with myself without much going on inside nor outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Depression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see Depression as a negative thing that must be avoided.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I could lose myself within the state of blankness, emptiness, quietness, and nothingness that I have connected to Depression.  Instead of facing this fear, I run from it and go to activities that are stressful and have consequential effects on my mind and body that are not easy to live with, that are harmful, or aren't best.

Day 176: How To Deal With Jealousy

Continuing with Self-Correction and Self-Commitment Statements from Day 175: Is The Grass Greener?

SELF-CORRECTION AND SELF-COMMITMENT STATEMENTS

When and as I see that I am allowing myself to go into jealousy as indicated by me comparing myself to others - comparing what I see that they have that I do not see myself having, I stop and breathe - I let go. I realize that going into and becoming Jealous is my decision and that I no longer choose to be this way. Instead of going into comparison and negative self-judgment, I listen to myself communicating to me about what it is that I would like to give to myself and allow myself the time, attention, and focus to see if what I would like is practical and physically possible for me to give to myself.

I commit myself to stop automatically going into jealousy and I commit myself to question what it is that I am seeing in/as/with another that I would like to have myself - is what I want practical? If so, how do I plan to realize what I would like to have? Is this plan possible, non-compromising, and supportive?

When and as I see that I am wanting to possess or have for myself what others have because it looks better/superior to what I possess or have that I am seeing as less-than/inferior, I stop and breath. I realize that if I accept something and/or someone as being/having/possessing something/someone that is better-than/superior to what I am/have/possess, that I am and what I have as inferior/less-than. Within this, I realize that I have been existing within/as a perpetual movement between two polarities instead of seeing that I have rarely, if ever, made a real decision and that I have rarely, if ever, looked nor outside of the Superior/Inferior Polarities for what is actually best and supportive.

I commit myself to stop seeing what others have/are as being better/superior to what I have/am and within this, will stop seeing what I have/am as being less-than/inferior to what others have/are by reminding myself that when and as I allow myself to go into this Superior/Inferior Polarity-Pattern that I am not actually ever moving and that I am not actually ever changing anything - for better or worse. Instead of continuing to exist within my Superiority/Inferiority Polarity-Pattern, I will myself to change my perspective and utilize these moments with others to see, realize and understand where/how I have been limiting myself and where/how I can assist myself to be, live, and support myself with what I'm seeing in/as/with another.

When and as I see that I'm thinking, imagining or allowing a belief that I will express as others are expressing if/when/as I have the same exact internal and/or external object, relationship, career, experiences and/or point-of-view, I stop and breathe. I realize here that I am obviously creating this in my mind as indicated by my thinking, imagining, and belief processes from the starting point of want/desire and leading to expectations/hopes. Within this, there is no self-expression and most likely a great deal of self-disappointment depending on the extent that I have believed my thoughts and imaginations were possibly real.

I commit myself to stop going into believing, imagining, and thinking that I can have a certain positive experience/expression of myself if/when/as I can emulate/obtain the objects, relationships, career, experiences, and/or point-of-view of another who looks to be having a positive experience/expression. I will change my starting point of want/desire to curiosity and investigation when/as I find myself enjoying another's expression - here, I do not allow comparison and instead allow myself to be present, be grateful for the moment of being with myself and others, and ask questions about how others arrived at their individual expressions. So: I will enjoy, I will be curious, I will investigate, and I will ask questions!

When and as I see that I am competing from a starting point of jealousy, as indicated by me judging, becoming arrogant, manipulating, disregarding my physical body requirement of food and rest, and me CONSIDERING thinking, speaking, and/or acting in nasty, spiteful ways, I stop and breath. Just stop. I realize that I start this from an initial point of comparison from which I judge myself as inferior and so I go to the extreme polarity to prove myself to myself and the external world that I am superior. It's absolutely unnecessary.

I commit myself to stop comparing myself to others in a negative way. And I commit myself to stopping my automated arrogance, manipulation, disregard for myself, and nasty, spiteful thoughts, spoken words, and actions - here, I will slow myself down, be the directive principle, say, 'no, I will not go there,' and sound self-forgiveness.

When and as I see that I am allowing myself to think and believe (and act as if) I am lazy and procrastinator, I stop and breath. LOL. I realize that I am lazy and procrastinate when/as a point, moment, or specific physical movement does not interest me as my mind and that when/as a point, moment, or specific physical movement benefits me as my mind in some way, that I am extremely driven. So, I see that I am required to change my perspective, embrace my drive, and apply to points, movements, and my personal development.

I commit myself to embrace the physical drive-ability that I have shown myself time-and-time-again exists within and as me - and to utilize this drive, empowerment, and passion to move myself within and as points, movements, and personal development. I remind myself that it's a matter of changing my perspective - changing my mind - to see just how much of an adventure that I can have here by expanding myself, learning, testing out new things, and pushing myself beyond my comfort zone to see what I can actually do.

Day 175: Is the Grass Greener?

It is fascinating to review my life thus far and see that I have always been jealous. Was I born this way? I mean, even as a baby I wanted what others had for myself because I saw that what others possessed had an effect on them - gave them an experience of themselves that I wanted for myself. What is interesting is that: when I would acquire what others possessed, I rarely experienced myself [with the possession] in the exact same way that I had perceived another as being [with the possession]. This is a pattern that I have repeated throughout my existence within objects, relationships, and my career - it has all been from seeing myself as not having, seeing others as having, desiring having what I see others having, getting what others have, and then not experiencing what I had expected with what I have acquired. As this wanting, needing, desiring, and jealous person, I am competitive - I allow no boundaries to stand in the way of me getting what I want - no person, no situation, no excuses. So, I have to ask myself: given that I have also identified a pattern of laziness and procrastination that exists within and as me, what is it about jealousy that drives me into the opposite polarity of self-will and self-determination? Why have I never harnessed these skills and applied them toward better supporting myself and others?

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always exist with/in/as jealousy. I never question why I always want what I do not have and why I want to get what others have that I do not have - in-fact, I never slow the process down enough to the point where I can look at it and see that it is a pattern that I constantly and continuously participate in. I simply accept that jealousy, that wanting, needing, and desiring what others have is who I am - something negative about myself that I cannot change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want what others possess when and as they look to be having a better/superior experience as a result of that possession. I see what I possess as inferior and as being less-than and/or not as good as what others have for themselves. I exist in this constant and continuous state of: The Grass Is Greener On The Other Side, where when I get to where the grass is apparently 'Greener', I see that what I possessed before and how I experienced myself at that time was Better/Inferior. So, no matter which side I am on, I am never satisfied - I move back-and-forth-and-back-and-forth, trapped in this Superiority/Inferiority - Better/Worse Polarity - never making a decision nor moving in regards to what is actually supportive for myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, think, and imagine that: if someone is happy, content, and/or satisfied with something about themselves, their lives, or something they own, that I will be happy, content, and/or satisfied too with that same exact something as myself and/or something separate and outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be competitive in response to my jealousy. When I compete from a starting point of jealousy, I often compromise myself - I judge, I gossip, I think and speak nasty things, I am spiteful, I am arrogant, I am manipulative and I push my physical body - all to show I am the better person, the better choice, better able, and that I am superior. So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed judgment, gossip, nasty thoughts and spoken word, spite, arrogance, manipulation, disregard for my physical body to exist within and as me - as competition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe (and act as if) I am lazy and a procrastinator when it is quite clear that I will move and physically push myself in response to my mind desires and self-interests. I do not allow myself to see my actual physical drive-ability, embrace myself as that ability, and develop myself to my full potential - no, I being a mind and a mind only apply myself only on those things that separate myself from myself, where I am not taking responsibility, and I'm not standing - most anything that is not actually supportive for me, others, and my external world.

Day 174: Is Divorce or Separation Really Necessary?

When my husband and I were considering divorce a couple of years ago, we were in a mental and emotional state of wanting the conflict, turmoil, and disappointments to end.  We had been reacting to each other for many years and within this time, neither one of us were taking responsibility for our own reactions because we believed that we, as individuals, were not at fault for our reactions and that the way that we were experiencing ourselves was a result of the other person's words, actions, and unwillingness to change for the betterment of the relationship.  After an extensive amount of time of living like this and on a day where we directing ourselves from a point of giving up after being angry for several weeks, we decided to consider discussing the possibility of divorce as we believed that this was the only way we could release ourselves from the stress and emotional and mental trauma that would accumulate and explode when we were in the same physical space.  It looked like we were in a loveless relationship that had no potential nor future and that it was time to let each other go, move on, and give each other the opportunity to have a better life.

The following day the topic of divorcing wasn't as prevalent as the day before and as the days progressed we talked less-and-less about divorcing and more-and-more about how we could come to agreements in our relationship/partnership.  For one, it was not practical for us to divorce - we have a child, a home, finances, and other responsibilities together that are intertwined.  So, if we had gone ahead with the divorce at that time it would have been from a point of self-interest and from my perspective, irresponsible because we wouldn't only be creating consequence for ourselves that would be difficult to live with, we would be placing unnecessary conflict, confusion, fear, anxiety, stress and other negative experiences, memories, and emotions onto our child.  Another point that was realized is that because we became less-and-less concerned about divorcing after time that the decision to divorce would have been made from a state of energetic reaction - meaning, responding to the negative experiences that were coming up as a result of our fears, memories, thoughts, emotions, and individual desires rather than the actual reality of our situation which was that were required to make some adjustments to our day-to-day living.


When the energy had diminished, we sat down together and wrote out what each of us physically and mentally required in order to maintain stability in our living.  We found that most of my concerns were focused on responsibilities and chores that weren't getting done and accumulating and that my husband simply wanted to be more together as a family and a couple.  Looking back, I see that it would have been quite ridiculous to have separated and divorced for these reasons.  I mean, all that was required is that we give a little bit of ourselves and our time to each other, our child, our home, and our other responsibilities!

After we wrote out our list of what would assist and support us to remain stable within the relationship, we then allocated who would be taking care of what and how often we would be doing this.  So, it would be my daily responsibility to cook dinner and my husband's daily responsibility to dishes or my husband would give our child a bath and then I would be the one to get our child into bed at night.  For time together as a family, we go out on a Saturday and have mini-adventures where we have lunch, get groceries and/or go somewhere local that we've never been before.  As a couple, we make sure to be together when we're not working outside of home - we watch movies and TV series, we have dinner together, having cool discussions, and other things depending on what we're interested in at the moment.  The point is that we're in the same room and we're doing whatever we're doing TOGETHER!

Since then, our agreement has stood.  Once or twice we have had to go back to our agreement and make a few adjustments depending on work schedules or other changes in our day-to-day living situation which is easy because we've already set time aside together and it only takes a few moments.

A result of this is that there is very little conflict in our relationship/partnership and when points emerge that need to be faced as a couple, it is no problem because we're no longer caught up with anger, dissatisfaction, blame and all of the fear and emotional turmoil that comes with these.  Even better, we're getting into understanding and getting to know each other which is something that we weren't able to do before as we always had to assume what the other personal wanted or needed and because of that, there was a tendency to misinterpret and create a lot of unrealistic expectations.

So for those considering divorce or in the process of divorce, I would suggest to slow down, wait for the energy to pass (and it will), and together write out what it is that each of you wants, needs, and requires in order for you to be satisfied with your daily life together.  Within this, set-aside blame, righteousness, and other mind-created projections and imaginations and look at the facts - the real actual physical things you each require to assist and support you - and from here, decide on a plan of how each of you will commit yourself to getting these things done for yourselves and each other.  Then, move your selves to do it.  You will find that your lives together will become easier and easier and easier and you may even look back one day to where you started and see the unnecessary stress that you placed yourself in and how you can now  'pat yourself on the back' because you've not only improved your relationship with your partner but you've also improved your relationship with yourself.

Day 173: Can it really wait until later?

In this blog I am continuing with self-correction and self-commitment statements from Day 172: Procrastination & Laziness.

When and as I see that I am not physically moving myself within opportunities to become self-disciplined, self-willed, and self-motivated to get things done, I stop and breathe. I realize that is in the moment where something can get done that I have the opportunity to will myself to do it and within this, I will show myself that self-discipline, self-will, and self-motivation are not simply ideas, imaginations in my mind and/or ways of being that are separate from me and instead real, actual physical living expressions of my potential.

I commit myself to move on and within opportunities where I can practice self-discipline, self-will, and self-motivation by when and as I see something in the moment that can be done to do it in that moment.

When and as I see that I am telling myself that I can do something later, I will do something at a better time, that I have plenty of time to get things done, and/or things that require to be done can wait, I stop and breathe. I realize that within these words I am waiting for some date in the future to get things done and as I wait, I become bored and will decide on activities to entertain myself with while I am waiting my time out. This makes no practical, realistic sense for me to put myself on hold and place myself in a holding-pattern while I wait for something that most likely won't manifest in the future when I could simply move myself to get it done here in this moment.

I commit myself to when and as moments come up that I can move myself to get things done - my assignments, my chores, and other responsibilities - to simply do them and no longer accept and allow myself to give myself over to my voice, as my mind, where I tell myself that these things can wait. I remind myself of the future-projection, waiting, boredom, and entertainment pattern/habit that I have allowed myself to be caught up in and how this has limited me - and from here, PUSH myself to stop and break-out of this pattern/habit and commit myself to physically moving myself into and as my utmost physical potential.

When and as I see myself looking at my chores, my responsibilities, my assignments, and/or my projects through my minds-eyes, as indicated by me seeing a huge accumulation, experiencing a too-muchness and/or telling myself that it is 'too late' for me to work on what must be done, I stop and breathe. I realize that these chores, responsibilities, assignments, and projects that I have allowed to accumulate are what they are - they are simply areas in my living that require a solution - where, the solution is my actual physical movement and applying myself.

I commit myself to stopping looking at my chores, responsibilities, assignments, projects and other tasks through my minds-eyes by when and as I see these tasks as HUGE/more/bigger/greater-than myself and my ability, reminding myself of my tendency to project small points requiring to be directed into BIG problems. Within this, I commit myself to stop the excuses and to stop making it easy for myself to move away, ignore, and/or attempt to hide from what is required to be done and instead will myself into physical action to work on and take care of chores, responsibilities, assignments, projects and other tasks.

When and as I see that I am looking for, attempting to access and/or pulling up excuses, reasons and/or inner-dialogue responses for me allowing myself to go into a mind and physical state of depression because what I perceive to be an overwhelming accumulation of things that are required to be done, I stop and breathe. I realize that my apparent depression is a cover-up for me just not wanting to do something and me simply being lazy. Instead of me being honest with myself about this laziness, seeing that it's not best for me or anyone else and making changes in how I make moment-to-moment and day-to-day situations, I actually -make- myself pity myself and 'feel bad' for myself.

I commit myself to no longer look for, attempt to access, and/or pull up reasons from within me as to why I am overwhelmed and thus apparently allowed to go into depression, self-pity, and 'feeling bad' for myself. By slowing myself down, breathing, and observing myself, I can see myself going into these kinds of inner-dialogues and see that it's an act - a cover-up, a drama, a temper tantrum - to hide the fact that I do not want to do something. So, from here, I make the decision to no longer accept and allow myself to act out the lies and I will myself to stop being lazy by applying myself. There are no more excuses here.

When and as I see that I am considering waiting around for something to happen that will change me and/or imagining a future-projection of myself as a person that has the self-discipline and self-will to get a task done later that could just as easily be done here and now, I stop and breathe. I realize I can't wait around to be some imaginary person who's miraculously developed self-discipline and where I have used these miraculous skills to get everything done in some imaginary living experience in the future. I realize that this isn't going to 'just happen' for myself and that I must actively practice and physically develop self-discipline and self-will for myself. There is no 'Later' - 'Later' is an illusion.

I commit myself to stop placing myself into projections of who/what I imagine myself to be in the future - and within this, I commit myself to stop waiting around for something to happen that will change me. I see that I would like to be a person that is self-disciplined and self-willed - this is what I want for myself as I see that self-discipline and self-will will assist and support me with walking out of self-limitation and walking into my potential. I commit myself to practice and thus physically develop self-discipline and self-will for myself DAILY where if I see a commitment, responsibility, task, project, and/or activity come up that can physically be done/worked-on in that moment, I will myself to do it and to no longer accept and allow myself to put it off for Later.